Unfiltered.

[silentsensitivesoul]

U suck.

It’s a shitty feeling when you think someone has your back and you find out that they don’t.

I need support and love, not someone who will be distant and only there for me when they want to be.

[silentsensitivesoul]

Going on vacation at the perfect time can be really eye opening; I just experienced that.

Something about my trip made me feel differently; hanging out with the people I met there, feeling their vibes, it was thought altering.

I need to live my true life, be my real me.

It makes me want to not stress the small stuff, keep good people around, and let go of the ones that don’t really want to be here.

I used to try and fight that but after this weekend, I feel like that’s not necessarily a good thing. I can’t make someone stay in my life. I can’t force someone to like me or keep me around.

I like the feeling that I want to change, really be someone new, do the things I want to do. I’m excited for this new me.

I feel like a lot of people won’t be happy for me or understand where I’m coming from. It upsets me to thing that people wouldn’t be supportive of me or how I want to live my life.

But after this weekend and seeing my brothers relationships with his friends, I can honestly say there’s a lot I want to work on in my life.

I can’t wait to see where this new mindset takes me. Out with the old, in with the new. You may not like me but eventually I’ll find someone that will.

[silentsensitivesoul]

Wasting away.

Sometimes, I hear it in my head, “YOURE A WASTE OF MY TIME!” My heart aches, it hurts to think about.

So many thoughts run through my head; what is wrong with me? is this why I have no friends? is this why I’ve always been single? because that’s how people feel about me? that’s how people look at me? as a waste of time.

A waste of time might as well be a waste of space. I can’t get it out of my mind right now. It’s driving me crazy to over analyze everything that’s happened in my life, second guess everything.

It hurts me to know someone could hurt me this way and not feel upset.

It’s a sensitive subject though, I don’t want to talk about it, not right now at least.

Goodnight.

[silentsensitivesoul]

[silentsensitivesoul]

It's a weird feeling when something you never expected to end, comes to a sudden painful ending; I would've never seen this coming and if someone would've told me things would happen the way they did, I would've said they were lying.

Being told by the one person you can be open and honest with that you're a waste of their time is probably one of the shittiest feelings I've felt in a long time.

It's coming on the first year anniversary of my grandmothers passing and I feel like I have no one. All I want to do is talk to her and hug her; she'll tell me everything will be fine and she's proud of the way I'm handling everything being thrown at me.

I need someone in my life that will actually stay there and be there for me when I need them.

I had a best friend of 10 years there for me; through the ups and the downs, even after moving 500 miles away. We talked all day, every day and I love her deeply, even still.

That's what I need now, someone that will honestly be there for me through everything. Someone that I can actually count on would be fabulous. I need someone I can trust.

Through time, I'm learning how much people truly suck. People can be fake and lie to your face. People can say they'll be there for you and then flake. People can try and make you believe what they want you to believe for shits and giggles.

I need more genuine people in my life and I feel like that's damn near impossible, it shouldn't be this hard, honestly.

[silentsensitivesoul]

If I hurt...

I hurt.

I don't need to explain to anyone why. Just let me be hurt.

If I hurt; I may come off as distant or short.

I don't have to justify my feelings to anyone. Just let me be hurt.

If I hurt; it's because I'm feeling a raw emotion.

I can't always describe how I feel, the pain is unreal. Just let me be hurt.

If I hurt; I may take things out on the wrong people.

I can't help it sometimes, I want to break down. Just let me be hurt.

If I hurt; I hurt.

[silentsensitivesoul]

You're a waste of my time. You're fucking stupid.

-the one I write about

[silentsensitivesoul]

Now I understand.

Having feelings for someone but realizing they're not for you is a shitty feeling. It's not that easy to just let it go; now I understand.

I understand how people hold on even though they say they're done, they keep going back knowing it'll never be what it once was; now I understand.

When you want to be able to let go and move on like you say you will but you just can't because you miss the way it was before; now I understand.

If someone doesn't want me or like me, they don't have to, I need to learn to let it go because it's not healthy; now I understand.

Everything can't go the way I have planned or imagined in my mind, it doesn't work that way; now I understand.

I can't make people change to be the way I want them to be, no ones perfect, everyone's going to do what they want; now I understand.

Now I understand; you can't have everything you want and you need to move on.

[silentsensitivesoul]

TMWYGH.

Text me when you get home; That's probably one of my favorite things for someone to say when I leave their company.

Text me when you get home; Because you care about me? My safety?

Text me when you get home; Is what I want out of a relationship with someone.

Text me when you get home; One of the most simple things you could say to me but will probably get the biggest smile out of me for it.

Text me when you get home; Because it's a good way to ensure a conversation to start? Because you're already wanting to talk to me again?

Text me when you get home; That's what I heard tonight.

[silentsensitivesoul]

Chapter *tbd*

Tonight I had fun; smoked a little and went out. Watched a movie and just enjoyed myself.

If I'm going to work on trying to better myself physically, I need to work on bettering myself emotionally as well. I'm honestly so excited for this new chapter in my life.

I need to go out more, meet new people, experience new things, and live life while I'm young.

I don't have any kids, I don't have a boyfriend, and I keep my bills to a minimum. I need to be doing more with my life.

Thinking back to the day I went skydiving, the moment I rolled out of the plane, the thoughts that went through my head; I need to go back to that. It's eye opening and I need to not forget the stuff I thought about and told myself.

I need to make myself into the person I want to be and that all starts now.

Waiting for the next adventure.

[silentsensitivesoul]

Unfortunate

I'm a virgin.

I often think of the same guy taking my virginity but in my mind things are different, I know in reality this would never be possible.

I want to be in a relationship with the first person I'm that intimate with and with this guy we can't be together.

It's not fair because the connection is there but I know if I just did it, I'd regret it.

Maybe not necessarily regret it but I'd be bummed on my decision because I know things are not how I want them to be.

I crave his touch but I know every time we touch my feelings grow stronger. I don't know how much longer I can take it.

I want to please him in every way possible. But I feel like I don't know how to anymore.

This feeling sucks.

[silentsensitivesoul]

The feels are real.

How do you turn off feelings for someone?

I'm super close with someone but my feelings are getting in the way, my jealousy ruins everything. I don't want to fight anymore. I just want to be happy and have fun.

How did things become so complicated?

I didn't think things would end up this way, I damn sure never would've pictured this being an outcome. When you know you can never be with someone, how do you still end up catching feelings?

[silentsensitivesoul]

November's trend; so trendy.

I feel like I'm going through something and I don't know how to express what it is.

I'm sad that I feel like things aren't the same anymore and I know that things change but sometimes I don't know how to handle it.

Almost a year without my grandmother.

Two years without my best friend.

And months since we've been able to be real.

Weeks since we've had a connection.

So much is changing and I'm sure it will end up being for the better but right now I can't deal with it emotionally, I feel like I have no one and I miss having someone.

It's sad if you think about the goodbyes you've had to say, wanted to say, or maybe even didn't get to say.

Missing people is the trend for November.

[silentsensitivesoul]

You must think that I'm stupid You must think that I'm a fool You must think that I'm new to this But I have seen this all before I'm never gonna let you close to me Even though you mean the most to me 'Cause every time I open up, it hurts So I'm never gonna get too close to you Even when I mean the most to you In case you go and leave me in the dirt But every time you hurt me, the less that I cry And every time you leave me, the quicker these tears dry And every time you walk out, the less I love you Baby, we don't stand a chance, it's sad but it's true I'm way too good at goodbyes

[silentsensitivesoul]

IWTGB;

I want to go back; to when we made each other happy and we couldn't get enough.

I miss that feeling of satisfaction I get from talking to you all day.

I want to go back; to when things were simpler, although our relationship has never been simple, it was never this complicated.

I hate that I feel like I'm never good enough anymore.

I want to go back; to trusting and believing what you say and not wanting to second guess it, knowing it may sound impossible but it's not.

I remember when you missed me in the past and made an effort to see me or speak to me.

I want to go back; to feeling like I meant something to you, being a priority, maybe not even too 10, yet still feeling like I matter.

I think about you non stop whether it be sexually or even intellectually.

I want to go back; to when our feelings felt real, nothing seemed forced, there was a connection, there was a vibe.

Take me back to the days before.

Before all of this felt like I've ruined everything.

[silentsensitivesoul]

*eye roll emoji*

I feel like ass.

Worked all day.

Phones dry as shit.

Yay for friends, it's fine.

Eventually I'll stop letting people let me down.

[silentsensitivesoul]

Idk.

I don't know that I've ever felt so low?

I had feelings for you, you told me you had feelings for me too.

I don't know.

I saw myself being with you and growing with you, but you didn't want that.

I don't know that I've ever felt so low?

I couldn't even kiss you because I knew that for me it would spark something.

I don't know.

I felt it would bring on emotions that I wasn't ready to deal with..

I don't know that I've ever felt so low?

You wanted to touch me, I wasn't sure if I was ready.

I don't know.

You wanted things that I wasn't ready to give you; I wanted things that you weren't ready to give me.

I don't know that I've ever felt so low?