₰

Anna - 25 - Vienna/Austria chronicling my adventures in a life littered with struggles relating to mental illness (AN b/p, social phobia, ADHD-PI and OC(P)D being the most debilitating) {honest, naked, and raw here.} trigger warnings do apply.

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

then (barely turned 16/18) and now (25/27). (fun fact, that first photo was taken on the day I ~officially~ lost my virginity (whatever that means. ~had PiV sex~))

Had barely any sleep last night so oversharing whoops sorry for the TMI. I made a photo book for G (it’s his birthday soon) so loads of looking through old and new photos. 

(no we haven’t been together for 9 years, but we’ve been ~involved~ for I think 12 years now? Half of them platonically (because other relationships.) We’re edging towards 4 years of solid relationship though)

[demiiwhiffin]

redshift // darwin deez

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

Me after interacting with someone: I'm sorry

Them: what?? What are you sorry for

Me: I am so sorry

[c3rvida3]

My new meds make my skin throw a fit. It’s not terribly bad, just a few things here and there, but it’s bumming me out because I’ve never really had too many run-ins with acne.

My four-year-old sister, however, is under the impression that it’s just “3D freckles”, and that they look very, very pretty. She wants all of my freckles to “pop out”, especially the ones across my nose; they’re her favourite.

And it puts me in this weird position where I can’t say, “No, this is acne, and it’s bad,” because I don’t want to teach her that it’s a bad to have unclear skin, you know?

Because the more I think about interactions I have with children, the more I realise that children will consistently compliment “flaws” until they’ve been taught not to.

Like, a kid at the library, whose sister has vitiligo, saw my scars once and suggested that his sister and I should be cats for Halloween, since I have “tabby skin” and she has “calico skin”. “I can be a black cat,” he immediately added. “It’s not AS cool, but they’re the spookiest.”

When I started losing weight, my little brother immediately demanded that I gain it back, because I wasn’t as comfortable to cuddle with anymore.

And my other little sister always wants to wear her paint-stained clothes to school so that “everyone can tell [she’s] an artist”.

I don’t know. I guess talking to little kids just reminds me that all of this superficial shit we worry about really is 100% made up.

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

I had a super good weekend btw - beer fest in Vienna on Thursday, rented a car over the weekend to go to Český Krumlov (in the Czech Republic) and spent one day in Passau (Germany), where I lost my phone in a museum. They found it though and are sending it to me, yay. 

(Gained about a thousand kilos probably, but ugh trying to ignore.)

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

anxiously awaiting election results.

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

Experiences weigh more than any weight I may gain because of them. Experiences weigh more than any weight I may gain because of them. Experiences weigh more than any weight I may gain because of them. So off to the Beer Festival and lunch with G beforehand (to quote "Um eine Unterlage für die Fettn zu schaffen, weil wie ich dich kenn, wirst du vorher noch nix gegessen haben." // "To create a base for the beer, because the way I know you you won't have had anything beforehand.") Going to be drunk and happy soon, it's going to be ok.

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

I think I actually am back on tumblr for now. 

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

Commence brain dump/attempts at curbing my excruciating anxiety:

Everything is alright, it literally doesn’t mean ANYTHING that he’s taking super long in the shower, stop projecting your fears into every little thing he does. Stop interpreting every little thing he does against your favour. Sometimes people are just tired, sometimes people need time to themselves, sometimes people just want to fucking play a computer game. It has nothing to do with you?! Stop brushing over everything nice that’s happening in your relationship. Everything is ok. Everything is alright. I know you need a hug 24/7 in order to feel secure in your relationship. Just because it’s physically impossible it doesn’t mean something is wrong. You can trust them to tell you when something is wrong. Stop interpreting.

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

Ok i haven't been on tumblr in eons, partly because my computer crapped out on me and I only have less than stellar replacement, and my phone is too old and weak-chested to be used as a ~surfing machine~ but I need a place to talk to myself/post positive affirmations (if I write down something and don't post it, has it really been written down?) so here we go. (idk I thought I'd see how my life went without tumblr - answer is, I don't feel any better or worse without it. Possibly worse in certain situations (when a brain dump would be helpful), neutral overall.)

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

NO G, I AM TOTALLY MOTIVATED! AND IN FACT I DECIDED TO TRY AND NOT GIVE A FUCK ABOUT FOOD TODAY

YADA YADA YADA NOT DEPRESSED ALL BETTER!!

~is drunk by 11am~

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

Every time I bring up my bulimic behaviours in front of G he's so helpless and full of ideas which won't work. Let the lying and hiding commence, I guess.

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

Tango is still the most clusterfucking clusterfuck for me, but it's getting better? Baby steps? (social) anxiety and crippling perfectionism doesn't pair well with Argentine tango. It IS getting better for me, very very slowly, after one and a half years. Last night, for the very first time in one and a half years of being part of the fucking team (three years, if counting other tango events), I dared sit at the team table. One and a half years. Friends and acquaintances of team members sit there all the fucking time, yet I didn't dare in one and a half years of doing actual work. But yes, I AM trying my best. I AM taking steps forward. I shouldn't compare myself to others, others don't face the particular difficulties I do in that respect. The past couple weeks brought with them a change in sociability for me. As in, my ability to be sociable/anxiety surrounding it has increased/lessened, respectively. Not sure if that's due to a recent change in medication, the fact that I've been actively trying to get out more, or a combination of both, but i'm trying to make the best of it (i.e. be sociable while I can and run with it)

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

I want nothing more than to eat and for it to be OKAY.

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

Speaking of my mum, we had this conversation on whatsapp yesterday: her: hi could you come over this week, we have to talk about something (don't worry!!) [insert trying to find a time we're both available, which proved harder than expected] me: well then what do you need to talk to me about? It's all very nice not having to worry and such but as long as I don't know, I AM going to worry. No response. (message was seen) So now i'm worrying even more and slightly freaking out, like. ??? CAN'T YOU JUST TELL ME. I should just call her, but ~anxiety~.

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

My e-reader broke recently and after a lot of back and forth I contacted someone who's selling their barely used Kindle paperwhite. I didn't want to go down the Kindle route (I had a Kobo Touch) because amazon and blahblah, but tbh I haven't been too impressed with Kobo as a company (and I've had several instances over the years of my Kobo seeming dead without reason (like low battery), it could be revived every time though up until now). My mum has had similar trouble with her Kobo Glo. My sister purchased a kindle paperwhite last year and is super happy with it, while I've read mixed reviews about the range of Tolino models, so a Kindle it shall be. Hopefully the person is going to contact me back soon, I didn't think I'd miss having an e-reader that much! (also oh the luxury of a backlit display! Very excited about that feature)

[silentviolentseduction-blog]

Ugh, I kinda self-medicated over the weekend with some Seroquel IR I had lying around from almost three years ago and no no no, definitely won't be doing that again. I remember I disliked the medication and there was a reason I secretly spat them out again in hospital, I've forgotten how godawful it feels though (to me). I'm struggling with sleep atm (the usual 5am wake up), the reasoning behind taking them was that it must surely be better/safer than taking benzos. Yeah no. I'm just feeling off, definitely not like myself, kind of really disconnected from everyone, like i'm behind a glass wall. Very disoriented. It's weird and off and unpleasant. (feelings are so hard to describe, i'm not doing a great job.) (I took 50 and 75mg, respectively, so definitely not a huge dose)