I'm Vox and welcome to Horny Warhammer Posting! I'll be doing some imagines, some self/reader insert stuff - there WILL be nsfw subjects, you have been warned! - and some general notes about things that I've learned, books that I've read, and my rambling opinions on subjects involving the canon materials!
Note about the 'self/reader insert': the insert (unless it is an OC of mine) will be GNC. They at times may have boobs or not have boobs, be a little on the shorter side or on the taller side, have a vagina or no vagina, have a penis or no penis, go through ovulation or not go through ovulation, etc. I think the Primarchs are canonically metrosexual, but this is a very self-indulgent blog about getting done by and doing the Primarchs, so we can get a little wild with it, I think.
General warning about explicit content: Some of the imagines may edge into darker territory; I will be tagging all posts that have non-con, dub-con, gore, body horror, etc, when/if they come up. If you find a post that you don't like the contents of, just go to the bottom of the post and see what content tag you didn't like and block/mute the tag. Self-curating the content you see is much healthier than hatereading it over and over again and getting into a one-sided parasocial rivalry with someone who is utterly unaware of the beef between the two of you. On a more positive note, I also tag things that make it easier to find specific types of imagines, such as sfw, nsfw, oc-centric, reader insert, etc, so people can find exactly what they're looking for with as little hassle as possible!
Feel free to drop some ideas/requests/prompts on me. I can't promise to fulfill everything that comes into my inbox, but I'm a willing ear, and if I vibe enough with a request I will absolutely ping ideas back off of you in the form of rambling my thoughts on the subject or by fulfilling it under the purview of all eighteeen (nineteen?) Primarchs.
The Writing Masterlist
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Speaking of context, maaaaaaaaan, I didn't realize how long I was going to take on this, I'm writing so much PER PRIMARCH. I think I'm gonna pass out...
I saw your post that said we could send ideas for the primarchs or whatever. And I have an idea for you.
The Primarchs with a S/O that loves to cook for them, and they're damn good at it. Their sweet S/O insists that they've worked hard and deserve an extra serving of dinner, or an extra helping of cobbler or whatever. And I'm talking about phenomenal meals; coriander lime chicken marinated in red wine served with saffron risotto, a cobbler with apricots, nectarines, and raspberries with mace, nutmeg and cinnamon with homemade vanilla ice cream.
Primarchs' reaction to your amazing cooking skills:
Alpharius (& Omegon):
Alpharius and Omegon may lie to you about things, but they never lie to you about this: your cooking is extremely impressive. You've picked up their favorite (individual) preferences and always seem to know what they want before they know it. They try hard to be there for your meals—it's one of those very intimate and wonderful acts of love that they will only allow themselves (not their sons nor their doubles) to receive from you. They will often switch their plates or bodies around when your back is turned to see if they can trick you into thinking you gave the wrong food to the wrong brother, but you always reach over—fond exasperation in your eyes—and switch them back to the correct brother. It delights them to no end. They have you sit between them so they can both lean over randomly and pepper your hair, forhead, and lips with kisses. You swat at them, but your heart isn't in it, and they adore you for trying to brush them off. Their efforts continue to double until you actually start swatting at them and they abscond back to work while you huff and puff at their antics.
Angron:
Angron loves sharing food. He fights hard to sit still and be gentle with the dishes and silverware—he can always replace them, but he knows that you start to value things (even kitchen things) the longer they're around. If both of you are worried enough about the serving plates/utensiles, you may also lean over the table to feed him while he white-knuckles his chair. It's a symbol of great care—the noticing of his (meager) preferences, your dedication to getting it right and serving it beautifully, then coaxing him to eat it from your hand like an injured animal instead of a man-shaped monster. It's almost enough to make him cry. Plus, when you lean over, he can see down your shirt and stare at your bare chest. He's not proud of doing it, but you laugh so sweetly when you notice that he doesn't feel too bad about doing it.
Corvus:
Corvus doesn't enjoy revealing himself (or his likes or dislikes) to anyone; the only exception is you. It's always a lovely surprise to see that revealing his feelings on different dishes, temperatures, and textures to you results in your remembering and honoring his wants and desires. He won't reveal himself in the kitchen unless he's feeling especially armorous, so you often bring the food to your quarters. As you're setting the table, he phases out of the shadows behind you, pressing his front against your back and wrapping his arms around your neck and leaning on top of you—just enough so you can feel him lean against you while he presses light kisses to your crown. He'll often pull you onto his lap and eat from the same plate as you. He hides it well to the outside world, but he's an utter romantic, and he enjoys listening to you talk about your day and about the dish as he eats the labor of your love.
Ferrus:
Ferrus can be rigid and overly practical, but at least once a week he makes time to enjoy a meal from you. It was a source of contention between you for a little while, but eventually you just realized that it was his personality and not a critique of your efforts that stopped him from sitting and eating with you, and he eventually realized that this was an act of love and to disregard it entirely would sour your relationship. He does enjoy your cooking, but he's extremely invested in his work. You have a pre-scheduled day each week where you can come down to his workshop and force a break upon him. He's too much of a gentleman to gripe about his work being halted, but when the first bite lands on his tongue, he forgets about his unattended work. The two of you sit in comfortable silence and eat together. He tells you earnestly that it was very good, and that you may bring him more next week at the same time and day, then he gives you a goodbye kiss and stares after you longingly for a moment before getting back to work.
Fulgrim:
Fulgrim loves the food you make, but his upbringing makes it difficult to see it as a sign of your care and attention instead of scullery work. He would much rather have his professional chefs make something that the both of you can enjoy so you don't have to labor and so he can have more time with you without having to go to the kitchens to find you (the food-prep rooms are all baseline sized, and he doesn't enjoy 'debasing' himself by crawling inside or crouching right in front of the door so he can call for you). Still, whenever you do beat him to the kitchen and whip something up, he thanks you gratuitously and makes loud, pleased noises while he eats—you're half certain that he's playing it up so you feel like your efforts are appreciated, but it could just be his over-the-top personality. Either way, if you stand too close without gushing about how happy you are that he's enjoying it, he'll pull you into his lap and let you ramble about the things you did while he was out working. When he's done with the food, he has the serfs take the dishes away and begins to tell you about how his day went.
Horus:
Horus is always proud of you, and the fact that you're so skilled in so many things pleases him to no end. He will boast about your abilities to anyone in earshot while he eats aforementioned food. More often than not, his higher-than-thou toting of your work makes others jealous. Some of the Mournival even get into fights to eat scraps of food-prep that you leave in the kitchen. The staff has to evacuate or else risk getting crushed by giant, heavily armored two-year-olds trying to wrestle shreds of carrot and left-over sauce from each other. Horus will drag you away as you watch on with concern and exasperation. He tells you all about his day, the people he met, and how much he loves and appreciates you while stuffing his face full of your cooking. When he's finally done, he'll put the plate aside to pull you into his arms. He'll flirt with you hard, reminding you over and over again that he'd be nothing without you, and that you're the brightest star in the universe, while squeezing you tight enough that you can't wriggle free. He often keeps you trapped in his arms for post-meal cuddles, even when you complain that your legs are falling asleep. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) the flush on your cheeks just spurs him on. You're adorable, and he makes sure to tell you that while holding you tight.
Jaghatai:
Jaghatai is always excited to see what new thing you've brought for him to eat. Every planet you go to with him is a chance for new experiences, and you make sure to make something from the local cuisine to share with him. He'll take the two of you to a solitary place so you won't be interrupted; then, he'll sit across from you while the two of you takes bites from the same bowl. He always completely finishes the dish, no matter where you stop in the eating of it. Every grain, every strand, every bottom-of-the-bucket sauce in the deepest recesses of the bowl, he'll finish it. He thanks you with heavy affection in his voice. He'll look deep into your eyes while he thumbs food scraps from his moustache into his mouth. When your own mouth begins to water at the sight of him sucking his fingers clean, he will grin and you and pull you close with one large hand on the back of your neck for a slow, deep kiss.
Konrad:
Konrad at first doesn't realize how good your food is. He's lived so long off of scraps and half-dead/decayed things that his tastebuds are completely shot, and his stomach is an impenetratable, lead-lined safe where food goes and never returns. It takes weeks, maybe months for him to understand that this interesting tingle in his mouth is the result of your work. He would be suspicious at first—why are you trying so hard to get him to enjoy this? Are you going to poison him? Are you trying to get him hooked so rations, rats, and rice no longer take the edge off of his hunger? Eventually, he'll learn it's a matter of care that makes you cook such amazing things for him, and he'll go quiet for a long time while staring at the food you prepared. He slows down immensely, taking time to savour every bite. It gets to the point that you have to gently coax him into eating a little faster because you both end up sitting there, staring at his food until it becomes cold or soggy. The two of you hit a balance-point maybe a year into your relationship, where he pesters you for your daily affection (food) and comes to expect it from you and whine and mope and self-isolate if you don't make something for him.
Leman:
Leman loves your food. It actually becomes a problem. I sure hope you like cooking, because he's a family man, and when he realizes how skilled you are in your craft, he delegates you to head-chef for the pack. He brags loudly to the entire table as your food is served, pulling you against his side and taking quick, messy bites, forcing you to pull his face closer and dab at his mouth and chin. He often uses this opportunity to sneak a couple of kisses (or a couple dozens, who's counting?) while you're close. He doesn't force you to cook, but he will give you a sad, pathetic look and whine about how he loves your cooking, and that all his sons love your cooking too. You'll have to (metaphorically) whack the man over the head with a rolled up newspaper in order for him to give you some space. You still get wrangled into cooking for the whole clan, but it's something you choose to do. He'll still act like it's a service from a higher power every time your food graces his table though.
Lion:
Lion deeply appreciates your efforts to sustain and pleasure him. He makes time to sit down with you and eat your meals. He makes sure to let you know how good it is, and what he liked about it. If he has to go back to work, he'll lift up your chin and give you a lingering kiss before leaving. If work is over for the day, he'll offer you hand up and bring you to bed or one of his favorite recliners and lay/sit with you pulled up on top of him. He'll rub gently at your neck and shoulders and sniff your hair, allowing himself to be vulnerable with you since you so lovingly crafted something just for him. He's a simple man who enjoys his simple pleasures—he just happens to be lucky that one of his simple pleasures happens to coincide with one of your talents/interests.
Lorgar:
Lorgar is deeply moved every time you bring him food. When he learns that you're the one who makes these dishes, he just about cries. He assures you that you did nothing wrong as you grab at his wrists and demand to see his face with a tight, nervous tone in your voice. He leans forward and presses his forehead against yours as masculine tears drip from his face onto your cheeks. When he's more used to your gifts, he and you kneel together, sharing a single plate. It always seems that his favored—Erebus and Kor Phaeron—are around and in need of his help whenever you try to have time alone, but he allows himself at least five minutes of your company before rising to do his duties. If he didn't get to fully appreciate your food, he'll address himself properly when it's just the two of you in his quarters. He'll kneel before you, putting his face and lips onto your hands and thank you profusely for your effort, your understanding, and your loyalty.
Mangus:
Magnus is actually a bit of a nightmare to cook for after a while. He loves your food, always telling you his thoughts on each bite. He considers the flavor profile, the sides and drink that you paired with it, the texture, temperature, ingredients and cultural significance of the prepared dish. You're very flattered at first—impressed to hear that he did a pre-study of the food so he could wow you with interesting notes and significant historical properties of the dish. You start trying to make new things for him every day. He mows through entire restaurant-level varieties of dishes; fruits, grains, nuts, legumes, veggies, meat, different mixes from different planets with unique crops and animals and assorted byproducts. You find yourself locked in a one-sided game of Regecide, with one side being your ability to research and cook new dishes and the other side being your lover's voracious appetite of both interesting foods and interesting history surrounding those foods. He'll notice that you're running out of steam and assure you that you can remake dishes—he already knows he'll like them—before you can reach a boiling point.
Mortarion:
Mortation—much like Konrad—is somewhat suspicious of your intent when you first start making meals for him. He understands quickly that this is a service of love that you're bestowing upon him, and he flips from suspicious to sappy instantaneously. He looks at you from under his lashes as he softly thanks you for the food. He takes breaks between bites to recycle his air so neither of you get sick. He refuses to let you wash the dishes, and will stare at the clean plates and utensiles in wonder as he mentally goes over all the love and effort you put into nourishing a pathetic thing like him. He doesn't let his internal self-torture sour your mood though. He keeps his thoughts carefully sequestered away as he dries his hands and goes to hold you, swaying in place a bit to a melody only he can hear, and tells you how much he enjoyed your food. When you wrap your arms around him and squeeze, it takes all his effort not to break into tears.
Perturabo:
Perturabo will pretend to be unaffected by your hard work, but he gruffly thanks you after each meal. He'll immediately have serfs take the empty plates, then get back to work. You only realize how much he appreciates it when he skulks around, waiting for you to make food if you haven't already, and 'reminding' you that he hasn't eaten yet. If you call him out on it, he will flush with embarassment and tell you that you're overthinking things, but he won't ask again. You have to be the bigger person and make him food again as a show of forgiveness, and he will go back to thanking you gruffly, rethink, then pull you to his side and press a kiss (while looking mad about it) onto your head. With time, he'll soften further, his gruffness softening, and his touch lingering on you. He'll hold your hand while eating if you make something particularly nostalgiac, and refuse to let you go until the food is gone.
Roboute:
Roboute considers your food one of the few things that fighting is worth continuing for. He savors every bite and rumbles grattitute at you, half falling asleep as he actually allows himself some time to enjoy something. Your presence and food are like a balm to his troubled mind, turning him into a lazy, self-indulgent couch hog. He makes little huffs of satisfaction and thinks of his childhood, when actual food—not just rations—were had day-by-day. You always sit next to him and watch his pretty pink tongue flick out, accepting food and licking off residue from forks and spoons. If he has extra time, he has one of the serfs fetch the two of you something special to drink as a pairing for your incredible dish. When it comes, he thanks the serf and sends them away, then pours two glasses. He drinks while admiring you; wordlessly toasting you while staring into your kind, intelligent eyes. His hand may also reach out and rub your thigh or knee as a physical show of his appreciation and love of you.
Rogal:
Rogal considers your food a daily romantic service to him. In turn, he attempts to make something small for you every day—mostly little stone soldiers or characters from your favorite books, but sometimes things a little more general but aesthetically pleasing. He makes smooth stone hearts and stars for you to fiddle with, different flowers with exquisite design, and small bricks so the two of you can assemble a miniature bookstore that you can decorate once finished. In the moment, he says nothing of the gifts that he will eventually be presenting to you; instead, he thanks you quietly and comes towards you with the intent to cradle your jaw in his hands, and lift your head so he can give you a soft peck on your lips or cheek. Your shared quarters eventually become an unofficial art show—with towns of small houses and businesses filled with soldiers of the Imperium, various animals from different planets, and overgrown flowers.
Sanguinius:
Sanguinius adores your efforts, but secretly wishes you wouldn't cook so often for him. He ends up suffering in silence as he inhales the scent of fresh cooked food and hungers for blood instead. He fights it for as long as he can, but eventually he begs you not to be upset, but that he can't handle the cravings he gets when presented with your food. It takes you a while to fully understand what he's getting at (mostly because he's avoiding using the word 'blood'—as if merely speaking the word will summon the Thirst) but once you do, you nod understandingly. You tentatively bring up the idea of putting your blood into the food and he bluescreens for a solid thirty seconds. He reluctantly attempts to halt you from doing it, but you tell him it's just once. If he doesn't like it, you'll stop and try to think of something else; if he does like it... Well, then there'd be no need to stop, right? He loves it from the very first try. His Thirst abates just a bit as he continuously tides himself over with daily morsels of your blood. When you deliver food to him, he now pulls you in with his wings, trapping the both of you in a protective bullet of feathers and muscle while he feasts upon your labor and your presence.
Vulkan:
Vulkan is always delighted to receive things from you. He thanks you profusely and immediately eats his fill. He offers you a share of the food you cooked, and depending on what dish it is, you may agree. He'll feed you, careful not to jab the utensile in your face to avoid hurting you. If the two of you get distracted catching up and talking about each other's day, you can hand him the plate and he'll rewarm the food with his hands. He's both a giant killer teddybear and a human-furnace. He ushers you out of his workshop so you don't boil alive in there and walks you all the way back to wherever you came from. He lets you know that he'll be back at the end of your shift to bring you back to your quarters as well, gives you a slightly sweaty kiss, then walks down to the kitchen to clean the dishes before you can protest.
Veteran astartes showing brotherly affection to young neophytes by slowly leaning over them, putting more and more weight onto their heads until the neophytes are trying, as a small team, to hold their astartes guardian upright. In the background, other veteran marines look on and laugh, remembering the days when it was them getting squashed by their older (and heavier) brothers... 🥺🥺🥺
