Silver Boy Thoughts

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I don't even want the friends to save me, I just want the world to take me.

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why is it that I wanna explore life and live it to the fullest, discover myself and learn news skills but also i know that I'm better off dead. Lol such contrast

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It was my fault for making something out of nothing

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I promise my self that I will never talk behind someone's back

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when everything feels right, it starts to feel wrong

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why do i always feel like dying everyday?

It's 3am and I'm torn between wanting to see what's on the other side and wanting to end everything. Sometimes I feel like life is so pointless. Yes life is trying to find its meaning within yourself, but sometimes it sucks to not have friends who'll always be at your back. I feel like I don't have constants that's why I feel so unloved and unimportant.

I haven't talked to my friends for a long time because I want them to reach out to me first. I'm tired of being that friend who always initiates conversations. I'm tired of being understanding. I want to drop everything, be petty and unreasonable, let my emotions win. Maybe, I'll start writing again to put out my emotions and when that day comes, they will know how I felt.

But for now, i feel like dying and it's fine.

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It's been a long time since I posted here but I just want to share something to the person who might read this.

In our life we face a lot rejections. Not everything we want, ws can get a 'yes' as an answer and most of the time it's a 'no'. I'm writing this because I had a fair share of being turned down for the past month. I didn't get the internship that I want, I didn't get that role in my organazation that I was really excited for and other losses that have accumulated. I was quite down yesterday because it suddenly hit me. Being turned down multie times and then seeing my friends getting these opportunities and becoming better versions of theirselves got me so down that it made me sad because life wasn't happening for me and I felt like a like a disappointment. All my failures had me thinking if I was good enough.

I was drowning from sadness but what I did was I soaked up all the emotions last night and decided to pick myself up the next day.

This is what I call failing fast. Not letting a failure define you. It can really help you. I let that be a redirection to a another door of opportunity in my life.

Learning to be strong and resilient all the time is a thing that I'm continuously working on and I think others should be like that, because the time we spend being down can be the time we use in exploring other opportunities.

I still have a long way to go in trying to better myself but I believe that I'll get there slowly...

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Just finished watching The Good Place's recent episode (s4 ep 10). Something got me thinking.

"It's hard when things have to end, but everything will eventually end. The question is, what's next?"

I've always been scared of endings and I always cling to memories that hold us down. We should always learn to what the future holds and continue asking ourselves what's next and what things we can learn.

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a 12am thought

Just realized how things are different now. I remembered how a few months back your messages will be the first and last thing I'll read and now those messages are gone. I know it's gonna be alright. I'll be hopeful that something better is in store for me.

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walk away

Today, I will try to accept the realities of relationships. May it be romantic ones or friendly onss.

If it is no longer serving me, I must learn to let go. It's hard walking away from something so important to me but I should remember that relationships shouldn't be as complicated as it should be.

Accept that things are different now and just walk away from the situation. Learn from it and grow. In the end it will end up for the better.

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i'm starting to get tired

I said to myself I would always choose you but now I'm starting to get tired of the things you do. I'm sick of your excuses. We haven't had a conversation for a long time. I understand that you're busy but I don't believe you're busy all the time. Eventhough I want to chat with you I know that you'll end ul replying late or reply after a few days.

You always say that you'll try to do better and you promise stuff but forget it in the end.

Maybe we aren't supposed to fix this anymore. Maybe this is already a lost case. As much as I want to fix this, it won't be fixed if it's only me who's trying. I'm sorry if ever I give up on what we have even only as friends. I'm tired of trying and we shouldn't feel like we're trying in the first place.

If I'm officially tired, I hope you'll have a good life and I'll always support you in every decision that you'll make. I hope we do better without each other in our lives. I'll miss you.

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What do I really want?

One thing I'm sure about, I want you but the world tells me to forget you. I wanted to bring back everything that we used to be but everytime I try I know I'll end up being hurt. Liking you is the best and worst feeling I have ever felt. Best because I fucking like you so much that I want to hug you, spend time with you all the time. How I wish I can tell you how much I adore you and show you how important you are to me. Worst because you ignore me and you make me feel like you don't care.

I wish that everything will work out between us because I know liking you will end up to nothing because you like someone else even though I really want to try to make you like me. There's no chance. Part of me thinks that it is a lost cause and I will not expect anything though it's hard on my part.

Should I just forget you? but I know you'll make me happy but I don't want to keep hurting myself. Do I really want to keep you? or do I want to help my self? nonetheless, I still like you and probably lo.....veeeee u? idk

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I don’t know what to do

I’ve been thinking about telling you how much I miss you and how much I care about you but part of knows that we see each other differently and that I should give up. I want to prove to you how much I appreciate by being closer to you but I feel like you’re already giving me signals to step back. I want to tell you everything and get to know you better. Sometimes it does hurt because things aren’t the same anymore and I might not be as important to you as much as you are to me. However, there is a voice inside of me that keeps telling me to just let go and just be okay with just being friends. Every time you’re near me, I want to be close to you but everything feels distant and that’s why I choose to step back.  I want to hug you and tell you how much I want to be with you everyday. 

Part of me just want to talk with you about our situation. I want to tell you everything I feel about you and become in good terms with you again..

I want to remove the awkwardness between us. I’m sure you won’t read this but I hope that everything will be settled. I want to face the new year with no baggage and as of now my feelings for you is the greatest baggage that I can’t take off myself.

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A disappointment

Today, I received my paper from an exam that I prepared for how many days. I spent late nights studying and looking for references that can aid me in understanding the lessons better. Unfortunately, I failed this exam. Not because I didn’t understand the lessons, but because I forgot to add something important to the equation which lead me to getting wrong answers. My professor will only give 0 or 100% as remark for the exam and of course I got 0. This exam was so important since it comprises 40% of our final grade, meaning I need to retake the class next semester because I got zero.

To be honest, I’ve already prepared myself for this situation because I knew I messed up fifteen minutes before the exam was done but part of me still hurts because all of the preparations I made was put to nothing because of my clumsiness. I really want to cry but I need to get back up and prepare for my other exams.

I’ll take this as a lesson that from now on there will be no more room for mistakes and I will learn to be more careful. Practice and practice until small mistakes won’t occur anymore. For now, I might be down but I’ll use this as a start for something great that’s ahead. I just need to sulk myself to this feeling of failure and disappointment and not let this happen once again the next time it happens.

I got this. Let’s not give up and keep moving forward.

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First Post!

I made this blog to let out my emotions. I’ve always liked writing when I was young and lost my liking in writing when I started college. Sometimes it’s hard to share your emotions and feelings. I’ll be posting my raw thoughts about love, friendship, school and other stuff that will cross my mind. This will serve as a reminder to myself every time I have setbacks and things that I believe in. I want to reminisce in the future of things that I felt and see how far I’ve come. 

That’s all for now. God bless!