sweet nothing

“If I were wanting to insult you, you would know of it right away. I do not enjoy playing petty mind games with those I dislike. I’m far more straightforward with my distaste.” Though he was confused as to why she would want another dance when earlier she had said she was too tired for another, Julian still too Jacqueline’s hand into his own and nodded. He led her out to the dance floor slowly, just in case she realized that it had been too quick a statement and wanted to change her mind. Once they were in the middle of the floor though there was no turning back. Regardless of how much Julian believed the woman should sit down and let all the alcohol really process, they were going to dance.

Placing his hand on her waist much as he had before, Julian let out a soft sigh. “I didn’t mean it the way it sounded. I simply think it would be best for your son if you kept your wits about you tonight. More often than not I see people become blithering messes when they’ve drank too much. They start spouting off things that they would never say otherwise and it does no one good for you to become that person here this evening.”

“Wouldn’t it do you some good?” she said quietly, placing a hand on his shoulder, purposefully avoiding looking at him by directing her gaze out to the people around them. As if to affirm her previous statement earlier in the evening, Jacqueline was exhausted. Tired of the facade she was forced to wear around these societal types; her feet, aching in their high heels. As soon as the song ended, she vowed to herself, she’d promptly put on her game face and return home. No doubt, Austin missed her dearly by now.

Silent for a long while, Jacqueline stole a glance Julian’s way. “That’s what you want, isn’t it? For me to come undone, admit to every dark secret you think I have, say all the incriminating things everyone suspects. I-I don’t understand it. One moment you’re spewing insulting statements my way, then the next you act personable. I’m not sure if that’s how you make friends in the court of law, but it’s no way to treat anybody…” she suddenly felt all too much like a mother scolding her child, and stopped herself short. Taking a moment to blame it on the hazy cloud that had settled over her mind, she started again. “But if your concerns are genuine, and I’m simply being sensitive, then it’s fine, Julian. It’s fine.”

#come back even as a queue even as a dream #( & it's dark inside )

leikamei

“My intentions? Whatever makes you think I have actual intentions here? Perhaps I’m simply playing the role and humoring people as I do so.”

He watched as Jacqueline grabbed another glass from the waiter and though he knew that he should tell her to stop drinking so much – even if it would be slightly hypocritical of him – but he didn’t. Instead, he watched her fingers gently grip the new drink and bring it closer to her. This had been what he was wanting was it not? Here was the woman who he hoped would be up for the murder of Damien Silver drinking more than she really should and cut off from anyone else at the ball who would take sympathy on her. She was practically in a web and he was in a perfect position to dig deeper and yet all Julian wanted to do was tell her to stop drinking so much and return home to the son that needed her. This was not his ways and mentally Julian chastised himself. It had always been anything for the conviction – anything if it meant putting a villain behind bars and yet in that moment Jacqueline looked more like a pathetic shell of herself more so than a villain.

“I’m here because I was invited and I figured it would be a cruel snub to simply not show up, especially when prosecutors do not often get invitations to events such as these. I also wanted to make sure I came because there are some interesting connections one can make at events such as these.” Yet, he had spent a good part of the night talking to one person, her. “Perhaps another dance instead of another drink? You have to get home safe tonight. Your son wouldn’t do well with both his parents gone.” The words escaped him before he could stop him, though he stood by the spirit of them. He hadn’t meant to throw Damien’s death in the woman’s face, but only to give a fair warning about slowing down the drinking and yet – there was no taking it back.

“My apologizes. I didn’t mean – “

There was a sharp intake of air on Jacqueline’s part at his comment. The words threw back everything she had told him in confidence directly in her face. She pressed her lips into a tight line, wincing outright, taking a moment to let the words settle with her. Yes, Julian Crenshaw was a mean man. But she never imagined he would be the type to go that far, to push himself to such blatantly rude extremes. In a pit full of vipers, how could she possibly have expected not to be bitten by yet another snake?

“Appearing cruel certainly should be one of your greater concerns,” she said, surprised at how her voice still managed to remain prim and proper. If only she had something equally wicked to sling back at the man. Alcohol dazed her brain, leaving her in the beginnings of a haze. As if to say ‘fuck you very much’ to his comment, she brought her glass to her lips, and downed the contents in a considerably swift amount of time.

There was no hiding the visible hurt on Jacqueline’s face, but there was also no ignoring the way blood flamed on her olive-toned cheeks in both embarrassment and anger. Too many nights after Damien had she wondered if Austin would be better without her. Too many nights, she wondered if joining Damien and leaving Austin behind would be the right choice. It couldn’t have been. It wouldn’t have been.

She passed off the empty glass to a waiter who appeared almost on cue. Finally, she let her eyes meet Julian’s, their dark depths near endless. “If you’re trying to insult me, you can make yourself scarce. But if it’s such a great concern of yours, prosecuter,” she spat the word as if it were poison, “then dance with me.” Perhaps she was trying to mock him, she didn’t know. But Lord knew she’d probably make a mess of herself drinking the entire palace dry before taking her leave, otherwise.

“Well my mom raised four so it’s obviously possible. Whether or not it was easy, I never really asked her. I’ve never really been one for the children thing. Just the idea of me as a father would make anyone laugh, honestly. Right now though, it sounds like your son is just in a really big exploration phase. As he comes to learn what things are and what isn’t as interesting as he thought it was, he’ll settle down. My niece stopped asking ‘why’ for everything once she realized the answers weren’t as exciting as she was hoping for. I’m pretty sure kids are just like that; they’re eager until they start understanding a little more and then their curiosity just…leaves.”

He couldn’t help but frown at the thought before taking a sip of his drink, pleased that the alcohol provided another taste to pull his focus. “I don’t know what would be worse right now, your child choosing to stop exploring the world or simply growing out of it and giving you some peace.” Julian had never really been an outwardly curious or rambunctious child himself but instead stayed in the background a lot and simply observed everything going on around him and with his siblings. That was what happened when the two girls were just that, girls and your older brother got all the rest of the attention. Instead of just acting out for a sliver of attention, Julian learned to watch and wait for his moment, observing the weaknesses of each of his siblings for exploitation later.

“I don’t think I would have the energy to deal with even one child and then with my whole work situation, children just wouldn’t be a good idea.”

“They aren’t for everyone,” she admit softly, finishing off the contents of her drink in one long swallow. She canted her head to the side for a moment, thinking of Austin and a time when his wide-eyed curiosity toward the world would disappear. Wasn’t that what it meant to be all grown up? In fact, if her son was lucky, he’d be the opposite of her, someone who had been constantly curious, constantly looking to experience more until it bit her in the back.

“So what about you?” she quirked a brow, running her eyes over his form. Toe to the sweep of his hair, then allowing her gaze to settle levelly with his. “Believe you me, I’m not the type to enjoy speaking miles about myself.” She had been once, but those days were now long gone. What was the point of wasting breath about things she now knew people cared little for? It was-- almost nice, though, to have a conversation and not be bombarded later on with statements of ‘Oh, and Jackie darling, lament to me the woes of your pretty little existence’.

“So what about you-- Julian Crenshaw-- pray tell your motivations tonight?” Turning the tables, it seemed. Jacqueline’s gaze slipped away as she gestured over a waiter with a regal wave of her hand, extending her empty glass toward their silver tray so that she could swap it out for another.

It was until the waiter retreated that she spoke again. “Did you come simply out of social obligation?”

“Allow me to get those then.” Julian offered the woman a smile before turning and heading towards one of the waiters. This had hardly been his plan for the evening, drinking with Jacqueline Silver, but it was done and he couldn’t simply up and wonder off. For a moment Julian thought about it, but the thought was quickly ushered away. That would not only be cruel, but it would also make the woman close up completely and there was still he had to know to formulate his story about how she had killed her husband. As far as she had let the public see, she was in just as much shock about the man’s death as the rest and Julian was determined to break that strong façade to expose Jacqueline for who she really was.

Holding the two glasses in hand, Julian returned to the woman, his smile still intact. If the alcohol wouldn’t relax her, at least it would take his mind off of what he had just said about his mother and Marcus. How cruel was it to still feel bitter over an older son who was now dead? Julian had watched it with his own eyes, felt the pain of knowing that his brother was gone forever, and still every now and then there was this painful feeling that washed over him about not being the favorite son. He never told his parents that of course, though he wasn’t sure if he was more afraid of them denying such things or being disgusted at him for still being envious of a son that would never come home.

“Three and a half huh? Must be a handful sometimes. My sister’s children can be very active, it’s exhausting.”

“Oh, you don’t know the half of it,” she teased, taking the glass he extended to her and with learned poise brought it to her lips. She watched him from over the rim for a moment, before her eyes widened and she nodded her head at the considerable taste. She admired the drink for a fleeting moment, then was brought back to thoughts of the little one she had waiting for her at home.

“Don’t get me wrong, Austin is a fantastic little boy, but goodness-- nobody ever told me that boys were such a handful. That children were so... all over the place. I was hoping he’d be painted a bit more in my image when he was a baby: that he’d be sitting at the table coloring; singing along to little songs; being still. But Austin, he’s always moving. Constantly running about and being a rambunctious little handful,” another sip, this time accompanied with a breath of laughter, “I fear that with age, it’ll just get worse. Soon I’ll have to make him wear a bell so I can keep track of where he is.” Though as terribly active as Austin was, she didn’t mention that her little boy had grown far more stationary since his father’s passing. That the looming depression that had settled on her shoulder like a bad conscience had managed to find him too.

Jacqueline quirked a brow at Julian, amiable in her smile. “Surely you understand with those nieces of yours. I can’t begin to imagine how some parents can handle more than one.”

Julian was only slightly ashamed to admit that when the song ended, he was slow to release his hold on the woman. “One dance is all I asked for.” His voice was just as soft as he finally pulled away from Jacqueline and moved to straighten up the jacket of his suit. With a slight nod, Julian glanced around at their onlookers. If she was playing a role, she was playing it well and a little dangerously knowing what others would say about her from this. There were already so many rumors flying around and yet she had still chosen to come and even agreed to a dance with him, it was remarkable really. Clearing his throat, Julian’s attention was back on Jacqueline as if it had never left the woman in the first place. “I assume you will be returning home to your son soon? You don’t seem the type of mother to enjoy being away from her child. My own had too many of us to really want us all by her side every moment of the day. That sort of attention was reserved for the oldest.”

Though there was a slight frown on his lips, Julian didn’t stick to the topic long, instead his attention was snagged by the movement of one of the waiters carrying flutes of champagne. Alcohol would make it better, it always did if better could be considered a dulling of his memories. “If you’ll excuse me, I don’t think I’ve had enough to drink this evening. Unless, of course, you would like me to bring you one back as well?”

#i #i: julian.crenshaw #;- no no dont apologize short is GOOD #;- ignore text

Tell the bastard no. If he insists, tell him he should dash his brains in with a silver spoon, a voice inside of Jacqueline said with caution, but she couldn’t help herself. She nodded idly at his comment-- yes, she would leave soon. Just not quite yet. Everyone had their vices and as of late, alcohol was one of hers. Jackie wet her lips, trapping the bottom one between her teeth, a blatant show of contemplation as a shiver ran up the length of her spine. She was working on keeping herself from being such an open book, but those things required constant tempering, and she had only just begun chipping away at who she had once been. And to have heard so many things about the personal life of such a seemingly wicked man, and to dance with him no less, something new was piqued inside of Jacqueline. Something she hadn’t felt since long before Damien’s death and that was curiosity. An inkling of it, tangling up in her chest, forcing her to speak as she did next.

“My, my, great minds do think alike, don’t they?,” she said, offering him an elegant smile. She extended a mild hand, allowing it to brush his arm. “A drink would be lovely, thanks.” Of course, there was the slightest inkling in the back of her mind that Julian might not return. That it was his final blow against her for the night, but she pushed the thought away. If he didn’t come back, it wouldn’t insult her any more than it would force her to roll her eyes.

wordsnquotes

They say ‘time heals,’ but even now I know that’s a lie. What people really mean is that eventually you’ll get used to the pain. You’ll forget who you were without it; you’ll forget what you looked like without your scars.

Claudia Gray, A Thousand Pieces of You (via bionicjedi)

#come back even as a queue even as a dream #( & it's dark inside )

“None of my own, no, but one of my sisters has children and I see them often. Of course that’s nothing like raising your own and I do not even see them often enough to be anything more than an uncle as my youngest sister is an aunt, but I do care for them. I know about the tendencies to believe your own child is the best seeing as my sister says it constantly about her oldest girl. I myself don’t humor the idea of children though. I’ve never really been the nurturing or parental type and the kind of things I do…it’s not suitable for a child to be involved in them.”

He thought back to all the times a threat had come into his office. That wouldn’t be any sort of life for a child nor would he want to be living in a life where his child could be used as leverage against him. The type of people that often became angry with him, Julian had no doubt in his mind that they would be exactly the type of people to use a child against someone they had problems with. There was also the factor of never really staying with a woman long enough to even consider a family, but Julian found that less of a fault and more of a coping mechanism. Never getting close meant never getting hurt.

Getting close to someone meant risking the chance that they could leave – or worse be taken – and that sort of pain wasn’t something easy to deal with. Noticing the way Jacqueline’s voice broke slightly, Julian’s eyebrow raised. It was one thing to put on a show for the onlookers, but why something so emotional when it was just him? After all, he more than anyone believed that she was guilty so there was no use playing up the grieving widow card before him. It was either a foolish attempt to change the mind of someone set in their ways or simply an actress’s inability to break the role when it was no longer needed as far as Julian was concerned.

“He’s alone tonight? What prompted you to come here then?”

“No, no, he isn’t alone,” she said, though there was no hiding the slight horror at the idea of it. What kind of mother did he take her for, if not the kind who would leave a three year old alone until the wee hours of dawn? The unspoken accusation was one that stung her more than any other. She was many things in the eye of the public, but a bad mother she was not.

“He’s at my mother’s tonight...” Yes, her mother’s house. Her mother, who she could barely speak a word to without the pair fighting. Her mother, who could be blamed in partial for Damien’s death. Her mother, who insisted that Jacqueline’s exquisite lifestyle would soon run out, and that the only solution to that problem was to wed again. To marry someone else; anyone else.

The idea was one she resented and laughed at openly. She’d sooner die than make herself out to be the gold-digger that everyone believed her to be.

“I would have been happier staying home with him, but when the invitation came in the mail... I knew that Damien would want me to go. I used to have fun at these things, and maybe I’d hoped that I would again. But such isn’t the case. Without him, it isn’t the same,” she sighed, drawing closer to her dance partner as the song neared its finite crescendo.

At that, she released her hold on him, turning her gaze outward and onto the crowd of onlookers. Certainly, if Julian Crenshaw was the garish ass she believed him to be, he would spin a rumor out of this. Claim that she’d thrown herself at him. That oh, in the wake of her husband’s murder, Jacqueline silver would sleep with just about anyone. Though she couldn’t say the same for alcohol, she was proud to know that taking comfort in the form of another person’s body wasn’t an attribute of her own.

“There you are, Julian,” she said leaning into him and speaking softly, ensuring that in a room filled with prying eyes and nosy ears, her words could be heard only by a single soul “One dance. And I think I’m too exhausted for a second.”