pizza is overrated @simakeyboardslam - Tumblr Blog

I feel like I need to share this because idk if Europeans are familiar with the presence of Aldi in the US, but at least especially in my area they’ve been growing a lot recently. Like Aldi bought out some local failing grocery chains where I live (Louisiana) and have opened Aldis in all these somewhat rural communities and small towns, which for the record I’m fine with

But as a result of this they are advertising a lot more in my area and also in many cases, the people in these areas have never been confronted with Aldi or any European grocery store. So the ads that Aldi is pushing out to its new US customer base feature a cowboy shopping at Aldi who is explaining to new Aldi customers how Aldi works. Like this cowboy is explaining you gotta put a quarter in the shopping cart and why there are very little name brands. A cowboy is how they want to reach their American customer base. They gave us a cowboy

moghedien

Here he is, the Aldi Cowboy

monsterpotion

"You can now sort your likes from oldest to newest on web and iOS. Do you remember what your first liked post was?"

oh dear

monsterpotion

oh its bad back there.

erikjohnsonillustrator

“The Ride” by Rodolphe Guenoden

fauxboy-deactivated20180609

I said “oh shit” out loud.

lemonsweet

explodingthunder

(peer reviewed tags by @chortlebot)

chososhoeso2

I like both of those ideas but I imagined some priest kind of doing a sniper blessing as the baby flew by and the precipitation in the air acted as holy water.

Here's a shitty rendition I made in ms paint on my work laptop:

simply-a-dream

“don’t take it personally” how would you like me to take it then? professionally? romantically? academically?

creative-anchorage

suriandtaal

bafahy

New procedure

bafahy

FAQ for this post:

The trans guy neck hump, or “dowagers hump” is not exclusive to trans men but it is a result of a specific hunching posture trans guys often use to hide their tits. It’s barely noticeable to the average person so it’s not worth getting insecure about, but there are ways to get rid of it. I got rid of mine with lifting/stretching/being more aware of my posture.

Many have noticed that the medical professional is wearing a San Francisco Giants jersey, this is because it’s legendary baseball player Barry Bonds who holds the record for most home runs in a single career, making him the most qualified man for this maneuver.

nealashitposts

So I've got this friend whose nervous because she's trans and dating this guy who she hasn't told yet because they've only been on a two dates. For this story let's call the friend Jane and the guy she was dating Jason. Happy ending don't worry.

So I tell Jane to bring her boy over to a bbq I'm having and she can tell him she's trans at my place surrounded by queer and trans people who love her and will support her if he ends up being awful.

She waits till the end of the bbq to tell him the news, by which point the rest of us have learned that Jason is a kind, friendly, empathetic, hard working, dummy. So we sit down, all of us a little worried about this gym bro's reaction when she tells him she's trans, and that she understands if he doesn't want to keep dating her it's no big deal.

He's baffled, so we explain what trans is, and after the disclosure that she hasn't had bottom surgery yet...

"Oh you have a dick?"

"... yeah."

He look's around at the room full of people with baited breath, his clearly a little afraid girl friend says

"Oooohhhh! I get it! You think- don't worry Babe! Watch this!"

And ya'll this man jumps up, runs into the kitchen and returns with one of the bratwurst we had for grilling and proceeds to tilt his head back, put it down his throat, hold it in his mouth for a moment, and spit it up without even a whisper of a gag and then looks around at the group absolutely beaming with pride.

My mans saw his worried girlfriend and her support network and thought to him self "Oh they don't think I can't please my girl, but I'll show them!"

nealashitposts

I do feel the need to add that later he excitedly tell the group that as a straight guy, he never thought that skill would be useful outside hotdog eating contests.

hyperrbolic-orange

"Man its too bad that im straight since I've got like no gag reflex and all."

"Honey, I must tell you, i am in fact trans and I have not had bottom surgery."

"My god... everything's coming up Jason."

dancinbutterfly

Pure of heart dumb of ass hetero of sexual

twistcmyk

no, i do not have cameras in your home (yet)

teaboot

Huh. That actually makes me wonder how much the "oh cats are such picky eaters" thing is from offering cats food that has something actually wrong with it that's perceptible to cats but not humans. Although even if the food is fine and they just don't like it, that seems... worth respecting and not treating like they're being dumb and annoying? Like, we don't make OURSELVES eat food we don't like all the time if we have a choice, we know it's unpleasant... why inflict that on a little creature who loves you and depends on you...

Yeah I've never really understood the 'oh cats are so picky lol they refuse perfectly good food' deal.

Like damn, the little guy who is fully reliant on you for every aspect of their survival and eats basically the same damn thing every single day doesn't like it anymore because the recipe changed? Should we call the press?

Honestly IME it's been pretty straightforward- new brand makes them puke? Not useful for sustenance, throw it out. The brand he's always fine with it suddenly unacceptable? Either somethings wrong with it or the formula is different and he doesn't feel safe. Not useful, throw it out. Recall announcement? Company revealed to be unsafe? Dangerous ingredients? That' not NUTRITION, why would I buy it?

What's the alternative, anyways? STARVE him until he eats it?? He's my SON

Anyhow Fuck "Meow Mix" SPECIFICALLY, I have seen no other brand that has made so many different cats puke so frequently and consistently, I wouldn't feed that shit to a worm

lorddeathofmurdermountain

Also a lot of people really just. Raw dog taking care of a cat. So they'll tell me "my cat never wants to eat or drink >:/" sir you are putting their food immediately next to their water and they are hardwired to avoid that because of cross-contamination. You will literally solve this if you put the water and the food on the opposite sides of the room or the house in worst case and it takes like thirty seconds to Google.

teaboot

^^^^^^^ I had this problem with Ollie and I'd never had a cat do that before!!! SUCH an easy fix

ryan-sometimes

I think it's so funny how we bred JOBS into dogs. I have two shih tzus and they were bred to be lap dogs. All they care about is looking cute and cuddling with people. Meanwhile my grandma has a border collie and that dog needs to feel so useful all the time, he acts like he will pass away if he doesn't have a job to do constantly

halomancer

On one hand this is extremely fucking funny, but on the other hand, it really boggles my mind how many people punish their dogs for just… doing the thing they were bred to do.

Your husky isn’t “hyperactive”, it’s bred to pull sleds for 8 hours straight and you have it in a 400 sq ft yard.

Your English sheepdog isn’t “pushy”, it’s bred to herd sheep, and you have neither to space nor the herd to allow it.

Your terrier isn’t “nippy”, it’s bred to kill rats and your hamster looks a hell of a lot like one.

Your Catahoula isn’t “mean to animals”, it’s bred to hunt any and all animals smaller than it, and you didn’t acclimate it to your cat.

Your Lhasa Apso isn’t “yappy”, it’s bred to bark at any tiny noise and alert watchmen to intruders

Like Jesus Christ, if you can’t provide an environment where your dog can’t fulfill its literal life purpose, maybe?? Don’t get that dog??? And if you do, maybe know the breed characteristics so you can redirect those traits into more constructive outlets????

lemonsharks

Both your most common doodle's parts (labra and golden) want to hunt and retrieve water birds so the best suggestion I can give y'all is congratulations on your new duck hunting hobby.

safetytank

#people will overlook the perfect breeds to suit their needs based on just their looks#and get a work dog because it looks cool

queerb

tags from @gnarlystarships because YEAH

maggiedeshiboux

@gallusrostromegalus

gallusrostromegalus

Any time someone sees Herschel and says "AWWW I want a Corgi <3" (because he is Very Cute (TM)), I immediately reply: "Do not get a Corgi unless you have a job for it to do. They were bred to bully livestock across the hills of Wales. This is basically a Border Collie that knows he is cute enough to get away with murder. If you get one and it doesn't have a job, it will apply its livestock-bullying instincts to YOU. Herschel's job specifically is to help manage my crippling ADHD, because I don't have a bull for him to micromanage." This gets me odd looks at the home depot but it does get the point across.

insertusernameici

unicornempire

I love that Leverage really goes out of it’s way to show us that just because you break the ‘rules’, it doesn’t mean you’re breaking the rules. Rules and laws and society are all made up, at the end of the day, and all you really have is your own moral compass and sense of justice; is this just to you? Is it right? Should it be OK for companies to put people in insurmountable debt for the rest of their lives just because our medical care is so expensive in this modern day and age? No law or rule should change what you know in your heart is right and wrong, and I think that’s the key thing that makes someone a good person in my eyes.

theheroheart

#there was a time when parker wouldn’t have noticed, #not because she lacked the capacity to care, #but because she had narrowed herself, #to stay alive she cut off as many unnecessary things as possible, #watching her get them all back, #is one of the glories of this show (via @seananmcguire)

jack-the-bear

Leverage hands down has the best character development I’ve ever seen.

lets-go-steal-an-ot3

This scene hit me like a brick. My parents were hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt when I was 16 bc I’d had cancer the year before (my treatment ended up being free but the initial ER bills and such were not).

But somewhere along the line they just… Disappeared. My mom says they’re not being paid and they’re not in collections. It’s almost as if someone out there did…exactly what Parker did.

Ever since I saw this the first time, I’ve imagined it was Parker doing it. That she and Hardison had a free weekend and decided to take it out on a collections agency. That I was one of the lucky ones who got a little Leverage.

gay-jesus-probably

Okay but like yeah, that is actually a thing that happens, albeit not exactly like this. I don’t remember the exact process but basically there’s a booming industry to sell peoples debt - the business you owe money to sells it to someone else for a fraction of the money owed, wipes their hands of the whole affair, and now whoever bought your debt is riding your ass to get you to give the money to the. But it’s also entirely possible for people to just… buy up massive amounts of debt for pennies on the dollar, and then just. Forgive it. Because capitalism is a living nightmare, but the system is broken enough that it’s possible to exploit it for good sometimes.

Like, the main reason I know about this is because John Oliver did a piece on debt buying a few years ago, and ended it by revealing that he’d bought 15 million dollars worth of medical debt just so he could forgive all of it. Both to expose how broken the system was because some random fucker like him could buy millions of dollars in peoples debt with zero regulations, and also just to take the record for biggest TV giveaway in history.

mikkeneko

A charity where you can do this, right here.

Be Parker! Be somebody else’s Leverage!

melyzard

Reblogging for the website.

nianeyna

yes! if you want to help with the medical debt crisis in the US and have some extra money please donate to RIP Medical Debt if you can. They’re completely legit and really do what they say - you really CAN relieve an incredible amount of debt for the needy with even a small donation. I’m a monthly donor and receive a quarterly report of the debt they’ve abolished, and it truly is amazing. Based on those reports the average amount of debt abolished per person is actually I would say about $600 - which means, if you’re doing the math, that with a $6 donation to RIP Medical Debt, you can potentially pull one person out of a poverty spiral - maybe even one family. For six dollars. that’s a pretty good deal, I think.

bethanyactually

RIP Medical Debt is now called Undue Medical Debt!

Undue Medical Debt makes it easy for donors to make an impactful difference in the lives of those struggling with medical debt.

casket-girlie

Yeah running water is cool but uuh. You do know that if you use it to pour enough water into a container you can put your head in it and drown and DIE??? Yeah this is crazy and evil and sad. What if a kid does that. This is why I propose the idea to make it so people pay 200000$ every time they use the sink!!! This is because no child has that much money so they are physically unable to harm themselves <3 Wdym this is insane and we shouldn't be paying 200000$ just to get a glass of water. There are no ulterior motives. No it's not about taking your money. This is for child safety. Don't you want children to be safe??? You evil sicko freak. What's wrong with you for thinking this is wrong and won't work.

hotvampireadjacent

https://twitter.com/birdtickler/status/1552657242909904897?s=21&t=q4JEDIALmV-cAjcoEOypdw

littlemisspipebomb

ok so I looked it up, and it turns out they made a track out of PVC pipes, down a hill. The owner didn't realise PVC expanded in the heat, so on a turn the track just fell apart and the dude inside went over a fucking free way and into a swamp.

aspiringwarriorlibrarian

The funniest part is that the inspector was watching the whole time, and once the ball stopped he left without saying anything. Park management just shut it down then and there.

baronfulmen

"The ball cleared a small hill, briefly going airborne, then zipped right across Route 94, the two-lane road splitting the park. Cars honked and slammed on their brakes. If there had been opposing traffic, Frank would have become part of a real-life game of Pong, volleying from one bumper to another.

Still in pursuit, we followed the ball toward a small lake in Motor World that had been earmarked for a fleet of tiny bumper boats for children. The area wasn’t open yet, but the empty boats were being tested and floated on the surface. The ball soared over the grass and smashed into several of them, scattering the others with rippling waves from the impact, which launched some of the boats several feet in the air.

Charlie and Ken waded into the water looking for the hatch. After some difficulty, they got it open. Charlie pulled Frank out by grabbing him under his armpits like a baby. Frank crawled up the bank, coughing and sputtering. He splayed across the grass as we all stared at the ball, which bobbed in the water like it was attached to a fishing lure.

We did not ask for the inspector’s report, nor did we ever hear of one being filed. Ken Bailey returned to Canada. The snow-makers cleared away the PVC. Told to dispose of the Bailey Ball, they rolled it into the woods, where it remained for many years."

I don't know that this beats the teeth story, but it's pretty great.

crabanarchy

They say ooooh be a good boy for daddy and you'll get a reward. But then the reward is just gay sex. This is bullshit. I wanted a skateboard

crabanarchy

Then they say if you're a bad boy daddy will punish you. But what's the punishment? More gay sex! You can't escape it. This whole damn place is in the pocket of Big Sex