Scattered Thoughts

A collection of bits and pieces of what goes on in my mind, my world, and my existence.

[simoneinreallife]

I feel pretty alone and helpless. I don’t have a true connection with anyone in this world. I know that sounds so dramatic but it’s truly how I feel. Yearning for a mother, a sibling, a ride or die. Scared, frustrated, exhausted, defeated. Who will truly have my back at the end of the day? I feel trapped in my own world and I’m not sure what the way out is.

[simoneinreallife]

Make a Sound, It’s Safe For You

I don’t even believe in myself anymore. I used to believe in so many things, so many hopes, so many dreams. Now it’s all just dwindling and meaningless. I’ve often thought, “what IS the point of this life?” I thought surely, on the edge of 30, it would come to me by now, but it hasn’t. Everyday, so mundane, and I can’t complain because truly I would rather have it that way. Rather than not know what disaster awaits me on the other side of the day. But this life, this perpetual cycle we all keep repeating over and over again, for what? 30 years and it all just seems so pointless. But I continue on because anything else would be so wrong.

[simoneinreallife]

Lowered Inhibitions

I want it so much,

The burn, the rush,

I see you over there, Italian lush.

And I’m puzzled by these emotions,

I’m crazy undeniably, and better off this way,

I wonder if I pursue these desires if things could ever be the same,

if things could ever be sane,

or if everything will eventually blow away

and inevitably change.

I would ultimately be to blame,

I just want to hear you say my name.

[simoneinreallife]

What Never Was

I don't know why every once in awhile I get like this. Sometimes I think it was more than it was and then I look back and realize that it's not all made up, there's some substance to the past. I miss him but I think I miss more the idea of what never was. And I wish there was something more that gave us a reason to be connected but it's just one way yearly messages of "Happy Birthday" and "hope all is well" and I know I just wait another year for minimal communication until it eventually fizzles out to no reply at all.

[simoneinreallife]

I don't really want to know what's good for me, God's dead, I said baby that's alright with me.

Lana Del Rey

[simoneinreallife]

Too Soon

Really bad things happen in life. Like really amazing and talented people get destroyed and die. Tyler has been pressing on my mind much more than ever before since August. I miss him so much. It terrifies me that come THIS August I will have officially spent half of my life without my best friend by my side. It's not right. It's not fair. But there's nothing I can do. I love him, I miss him, I hurt every time I think about him. And I know it sounds insane but if there's a life after this one please let us have a second chance. It wasn't supposed to be like this.

[simoneinreallife]

Queens. #lanadelrey #marilynmonroe #queens #classic

[funnytummyart-deactivated202603]

#funnytummyart forever

[simoneinreallife]

I used to be so full of my confidence, I used to know just what I wanted and just where to go. More than ever I could use a coincidence, But now I walk alone and talk about it when I know.

Red Hot Chili Peppers -Hey @redhotchilipeppers

[simoneinreallife]

"Don't Belong to no City Don't Belong to no Man"

A lot of people just want to be normal. They strive to fit some mold and be accepted. Not me. I want to be anything but normal. Acceptance is nice but embracing your differences and breaking the mold is more appealing. My childhood was far from normal and for a while I desperately wanted to be "normal" and fit society's idea of how it should be. Now I embrace my abnormality. I don't want the typical cliche life of marriage and kids and keeping up with the joneses, I want anything but that. I want to pave my own path and I refuse to be anything but basic and ordinary. I'm doing things my way and quite frankly I don't care what anyone has to say about it.

[simoneinreallife]

Where's Reality?

It's crazy that I'm living someone's dream and someone out there is living mine.

[simoneinreallife]

#tbt Modeling at Aveda for @laymaxx, she did such an awesome job on my hair and makeup. #Aveda #crazyfunhair #creativestyle #herworkisamazing

[simoneinreallife]

"But This is What You're Craving"

Lately I’ve been California dreamin’ But nothing is as it seems and I keep thinking it’s the only thing that Will make a difference in how I see things. Because Kiedis sold me on the dream. Californication was reverse psychology. Do you hear what I say, do you get what I mean? I don’t care what it is as long as I’m free.

[simoneinreallife]

Quite possibly one of my favorite posts I've seen on social media. #perspective #archives #captivated #stillmyfavorite #notmywords #itmovesme

[simoneinreallife]

No Response, No Reply

I hit dead end after dead, looking for friend of a friend. In the hopes that these wounds we could mend. Not giving up, the messages I continually send. Endlessly searching for some type of trend. And now we only visit in my dreams, where I hope it’s all real and my heart beams. But reality is busting from the seams, reminding me that nothing is as it seems. I’m still trying to figure out what it all means.

[simoneinreallife]

Dosed on Me

Sparks won’t ignite and in hindsight is it done? Cold kisses, forced abrasions, and I ask, “are you having fun?”. Blank stares, under his breath he swears and I’m closing off and in. Numb to the touch, frustration much and everything is getting dim. No passion, no spontaneity, no thrill, no joy. Deeply seeking fire and only getting water, I’m drowning, boy. I’ve surrendered my insides and it’s too much for your one track mind, but I can’t keep going like this telling you everything is fine, when the reality is I’m drowning inside. Don’t let my fiery passion go out of sight. I’m dying to become something but you stand on the side lines while I aimlessly fight.

[simoneinreallife]

Just Thought You Should Know

I want to hang out with the wrong crowd and get into trouble. I want to destruct and fulfill the emptiness with something less favorable than preferred and expected of me. I wish you saw how empty I am and how I’m begging for you to recognize my plea for attention, how you’re the only one I’ve confided in. I’m broken, just thought you should know this. Will I ever embark on my journey to freedom? Even though there’s no guarantees of finding it, I’m wagering and willing to find out even if I lose what little I have.