I walked away, for myself and my happiness.
I didn’t walk away because I didn’t love you. I loved you more than you can ever imagine..
I walked away because I needed to be happy for myself. I needed to understand my worth.
If there ever comes a day where I could sit down and talk to you, and remind you why. Not explain. Because respectfully...there’s no explanation needed.
I loved you to the point where I put you on a pedestal. Nearly forgetting that I needed to put myself on a pedestal, beside you. I loved you to the point where I accepted you being comfortable instead of not realizing you weren’t trying to build something solid for us. I loved you so much, I ignored everything I was going through. So I could be there for you...
December 31st 2020, at 8:30 pm I decided I was done. Not with you entirely. But I was done with the life I was living and how much I was hurting. I swallowed 10 800mg gabapentins, and was self harming myself, I spent most of that night in and out of consciousness...You weren’t there. You were out enjoying yourself (I’d never ever get mad at you for simply living life.) but I was home. The days before hand I’d had a series of horrible things happen to me, and every time... I’d pick up the phone to call you. Hearing your voice and you talking me through things was one thing I felt safe with... you never picked up the phone. Not once. You ghosted me. And I felt ALONE for the first time... I wasnt trying to leave this world behind because of just you. But I wanted to leave this world because your behavior and actions told me I wasn’t worth your time, energy, affection, or love. The very issue I told you I’ve always struggled with in my life...you’ll never understand how it felt everyday for 7 months to feel like I was an option when you always told me you had no intentions to hurt me or to ever make me feel the way everyone in my life has made me feel: an option..
I remember for the first year. Things were amazing with you and I only wanted more. I wanted dreams, goals, accomplishments... with you. But given life happens and things change. Your motive wasn’t the same anymore. You changed. And I loved you through the distance, the nights you thought less of yourself than what you truly are and how I saw you...
There was a night... your mom wanted to grill out and it started to rain. You still did it for her. And it turned out great. We sat in the drive way for a while after everyone left; and then we went to go get cigarettes. When we came back we sat in the truck. Just like we always would. But the talk wasn’t the same as it always was. And that night I realized you were not the man I was used to loving anymore. You had become dark. As expected. But that night you brought up future plans for us and I looked at you... in tears and asked you “do you want to just stop all of this? Do you want us to just split? My biggest fear is you getting so down and out that you become distant and leave me in the dark.” You looked at me and then said “no, you’re my world. I have no intentions of ever hurting you. But I don’t know who I will become”
That was the red flag. That’s when I should’ve looked at you and told you we needed to be done so you could get through what you were going through. But instead. I wanted to stay. Because I loved you. Soon enough I had to be the strong one out of both of us. Then you became a stranger and not the man I’d fallen in love with. You became the thing i feared most.
I’m not mad at you for how things went. I could never be mad at you. But I slowly found myself chasing you. I found myself making excuses for you. I found myself alone. It then became me myself and sometimes you. And I hung in there for the longest. I stayed as strong as I could for the sake of us. But sadly. It wasn’t enough for you.
I could never throw anything in your face. But I can say this. I was enough. And I wanted you. For your flaws, your perfections. I wanted you dreams and your goals. I thought if I stayed with you through one of the toughest parts of your life this far. That you’d realize you were slowly losing me.
You were slowly losing me. I wasn’t losing you. Because I lost you a long time ago and i didn’t want to accept it.
The energy wasn’t the same anymore. There was no effort. Not the same effort you took to win me over, and not the same energy you gave me when things were good for the first year.
But I will say this also, thank you so much...
Thank you for showing me at first how a man should always love his woman and trust his woman the way you did with me.
Thank you for teaching me this lesson I’m now still learning: I am worth more than what you handed me. I deserved better than how you started to treat me. You taught me how to finally say “enough is enough. I cannot stay stuck like this forever feeling like it’s one sided”
The day I left you: was the hardest thing I’ve ever done and I’m someone who tolerated being viewed as an option instead of a priority when it comes to being in love.. i meant every word I said when I left. I told you I couldn’t do this anymore, that I couldn’t continue to stay up at night and cry and wonder why I wasn’t enough for you. I told you I loved you enough to let you go so I could find my happiness because I was so neglected by you to the point where I stopped shining. I cried an entire day, non stop. And what made me realize you weren’t ready for a woman of my caliber, was when I left you and you didn’t fight for us the way I fought for you.
The day after I left you: the reality set in that I wasn’t sad. I was disappointed. I was so fucking disappointed in you. I became a mess. I spent two and a half months being drunk, and crying anytime anyone asked how we were. I wasn’t sad. I was fine if I didn’t think about it. But when I did: the disappointment set in and the memories came flooding back from start to where we ended up.
Soon enough... people who knew, saw a new side of me. A happier side. A side where I was smiling, and laughing again.
No contact was the best thing for us. You had your moments where you would reach out for whatever reason it is you wanted to. Until the day I turned around in my busy bar. And there you were. My heart was in my ass. I was nervous. I remember you wanted to buy me a shot. I remember the hug I gave you. I felt whole at that moment. It was the first time I saw your face infront of mine since Christmas Day... it was the first time I got to touch you since Christmas Day when I took you home. It seemed as if you didn’t for one minute care so much about the fact we weren’t together. But by the way you looked you were happy that we were both able to talk. That whole night we talked when I had a chance to while I was serving you your drinks. We laughed. We smiled. I was able to be the me I had always been with you and the smile on your face and how you looked at me reminded me how much I still do love you..
You told me that night when I hugged you before you left with your head on top of mine while I had my face in your chest. And you kissed the top of my head and then said “I miss you. I think about you all the time. I miss my best friend” and I told you it was the same and that ir sucked not having you in my life period. You took me by my face and you kissed me. And you asked me “do you want to work on it?” And without a beat I said I did. That I loved you so much and that I wanted to be with you. And in that moment I looked at you and told you. Let’s take it slow, and that I know you were an amazing boyfriend up until life happened and made you who you are today. That night you looked me in my eyes and said “I don’t do second chances. But you’re special enough for me to try again.”
The next night I saw you again and we talked. I bought shots to return the favor from the night before... and We were able to talk and joke around. I walked you to your truck and I kissed you and you held me. I told you I loved you again and you told me you loved me too, and that you didn’t want anything happening to me.
When we said we were gonna take it slow. I thought that meant we would start from the friendship aspect of conversation. You didn’t seem talkative the times I reached out. And then I stopped, and I haven’t heard from you since...
That’s when I realized. Those two moments of happiness felt great. But I put myself back in the same hole I was in when we were together... I found myself being upset and not smiling or joking around. I was drinking more again, and I was putting myself down because I felt like you meant everything you said. And I want to believe it. Or maybe I’m over thinking all of this.
Today... I realized something:
I am more than enough, I am beautiful inside and out, and I am an amazing woman. That’s your loss. Today I realized, maybe... just maybe I need to accept the cycle.
Please understand... you’re my twin flame. I know this in my heart. I know this because I know your heart and those energies match. They always have even before the aspect of falling in love came into play. But I don’t think in this lifetime we were meant to pursue what it was that we were trying.
You’re a twin flame and a karmic partner: we are connected for a reason. But I know this cycle was meant for me to finally know when to put my foot down when I am being treated less than what I should be... and walk away. Trust me: everyday it hurts more than you can imagine. And most days I wish I didn’t think about you, and look back at the memories we made...
But I know this much: whether we are meant to be together or not...please understand. I never wanted to hurt you. But when it comes to my happiness... I deserve that. I walked away because I love you too much. Too much to the point where I was breaking my own self...
Please understand this: I am once again disappointed in you. But this time... it’s because once I found peace and you saw that I had it... you came in and disturbed it. By stringing my heart along if even for a moment... I do still love you. But I don’t think you and I are on the same page. I don’t think you are ready for what I’m offering you and always have offered you. And that’s okay... because this is another karmic lesson I’m paying attention to. To others they questioned our relationship due to your actions and lack of affection and attention to me. But I know from when it’s you and me and the energy. You love me. But you do not love me enough to fix yourself like I’d been doing for myself...
So here I am: walking away from you again and it very well could be that I need to walk away for good from you when it comes to you being my better half. I handed you my heart and asked you to take care of it. And you decided after so much time... you didn’t want it anymore.
I love you to the moon and back. And always and forever. But please... don’t disturb my peace... and please don’t ruin the hard work I’ve put in to become strong and move forward. I’d rather be at peace and in no contact, than to take 12 steps backwards.
You’ll always have two options:
Be with me. Or let me have my peace of you ever did love me... I don’t think you understand just how much peace I wish for you and don’t intrude on. And it’s okay. You maybe never will. But I know this... you still have an impact on my life. You told me one night “I want you to be happy for yourself: not me, not your son.”
The mindset I took the day I left you, and the same mindset I have had everyday since then... Is that I’m gonna go he happy for myself. And I do it the way I think you would be proud of. And that’s how I keep going everyday....every night.
So tonight... I’m releasing you. I’m releasing all the power you’ve had over me during this healing process. I release you, and should the universe and ourselves decide this is something we can try again, that you come back when you’re at your best and when I’m at mine.
Don’t worry about me, I know you will. But I need you to worry about yourself. My heart will always belong to you, and there’s no other man who will truly be able to compare to how I feel about you and will always love and feel for you.
But I have release you. I have to keep telling you that I walked away for myself. Now I have to release you for myself...
