Sensation of Love
It was the only thing that felt better than kicking
That didn’t scare me, because I had many special connections to things besides things I dented
Then it felt better than banging my head, which was strange though not altogether concerning
Because I really didn’t bang my head a lot, so it was a replaceable thing
But when it started feeling better than cutting, that was when I got scared
That a person could make me feel like I was shaking and covered in blood
Without ever hurting me
That scared me
You took the place of the only thing I loved but now I had to love you too
You were a person, not a blade
I couldn’t treat you so carelessly
Just toss you out when you became dull
What I need to say
What I’m trying to get out from between my ribs,
is that I love you violently
The only comparable feeling is rage
The rage I felt when I tried to break every bone in my body
And the pain that came after
I adore you with brutality you can’t imagine (at least I hope)
I beg myself to push it down and be gentle, but my hands shake
The true weight of me would break you
So I starve
I think you may be more like the white lines on my arms,
deeply set and impossible to get off
I can’t kick you away, smash you out of my head, throw you up, or cut you out
I tried at the beginning but I couldn’t get you to go
I couldn’t scare you off
You can’t scare an angel out of Heaven, and that’s where you said you were
When you laid your head on my chest full of pain
And eased it away
I feel terrible for tricking you like this
Into thinking I am good
To think
To you this will only be words on a page
