whew. so i started this blog to dedicate it to my sexcapades! i was so disappointed when i did not become the sexually liberated woman i thought i would be.
i remember around valentineās day last year, i went out with a boy and we ended up going home together. he was beautiful and soft and i was attracted to him. we made out and it was enticing. and then when it was time to have penetration, we hit a wall. i remember biting my lower lip, imagining that if i just stuck this excruciating pain out for a minute, then the pleasure would come. and when i realised that i could not enjoy the experience, i gently pushed him off me. he feigned patience and kindness, but iāll never forget the exasperation that hung in the air. i will never forget it because i have felt it many times. my sex does not allow men to get away with being thoughtless. my sex cannot be casual. it requires an interest in me, and the ability to pour into my well-being. my sex is emotional, spiritual work!
at the time, the work felt like a limitation. an inconvenience. i was so tired of feeling broken. so i thought maybe i had an STD. i booked an appointment with a doctor and i got all my tests done. nothing. i was upset. then my doctor started inquiring into my sexual history and we both came to the understanding that i might have vaginismus. and then she just left it there and told me i needed a pap smear.
now, loosely explained, vaginismus is when the pelvic muscles contract/spasm when there is vaginal penetration. this makes intercourse painful (if not impossible). it can be a response to sexual trauma, or a psychological thing. i know that i have had vaginismus for a long time and just never knew because when i tried to use a tampon at 16, it was a harrowing experience. i bought the smallest size and made multiple attempts with my motherās counsel and it was just too painful.
there is something about not being able to provide penetration for men that makes you feel very useless as a woman. no matter how empowered you are, and how many ways you can critique the construction of masculinity, that struggle with sex can define you. i wanted to date. hell, i wanted to hookup. but i would end the night feeling like a tease as i never provided the main event for the boys. even what the patriarchy calls foreplay would be a rushed, half-arsed effort to be gotten out of the way so that a penis could penetrate my vagina. i walked around for a while thinking maybe i was asexual. or broken. feeling like i would not find love in this life because i would never be able to provide intercourse for men. of course, some of them would say that thereās more to sex than intercourse. that there were other forms of sex they enjoyed. but what often went missing in trying to pursue the sex i could safely enjoy, is the emotional scars that not being able to enjoy penetration left me. i never had the confidence and safety to embrace and pursue those other kinds of sex. to see what i could enjoy giving, because my past experiences had framed intercourse as the most important form of sex. and my inability to provide it as the ultimate sexual failure. a source of shame and distress. so all kinds of sex made me extremely anxious. even masturbation felt like a waste of time.
when i understood what was wrong with me, i truly sank into the loneliness that sex embodies for me. men always try to ānegotiateā their way into penetration. maybe youāre never wet enough. if i eat you out for all of three seconds, maybe youāll be ready. so, there i was in a sexual situation with a guy. a million thoughts running through my mind as he tried to figure out if iām just not attracted to him. i realised that this dynamic was the loneliest i would ever feel. living with a pain that is little known, and men who only care for their orgasm, i should be alone. thereās no point to sex or relationships for me. it always ends in an alienating sense of self-loathing as i fail once again. and yet another man reducing my pain and discomfort to an inconvenience.
but now, i have begun to masturbate again. solely for the purpose of mapping out my pleasure. doing what feels good to me. and realising that it is a worthwhile pursuit. when i live on my own, i am going to get vaginal dilators and try to stretch my vaginal walls with patience and love. and when i do have sex with someone, it will have to be with someone who is generous and whole enough to help me feel safe with all that happens inside of me. because my body has made it physically impossible for me to have thoughtless sex. ha!
