Humans are Weird “Things to know about humans.”
So I know I usually write stories, but some days I will be to busy for that. The short report style is a little faster. In light of this, I ask for your suggestions on what to base these shorter writings on. I have a much harder time coming up with ideas for this kind of writing than short stories.
Please comment, ask questions, and give ideas. I love any and all of the above.
Things to Know About Humans
I have made an effort to write, a comprehensive guide for my fellow members foe galaxy, and especially for anyone who comes into frequent contact with humans. Almost two years in to my study of the humans and this list is BY NO MEANS comprehensive, but I hope it helps
1. Humans are very easily bored. If left alone with nothing to do for long periods of time they are likely to become destructive, aggressive, angry, or depressed. I recommend the following as ways of dealing with the humans.
a. Bubbles: humans love bubbles, they like it in their bathwater and in their drinks, and they like making them. It works best for small humans but has been known to occupy adult humans for a period of time
b. Colors: humans also love bright colors and having the ability to apply these pigments to a blank sheet of paper. It enhances creativity and can keep them occupied for hours. While this is traditionally for small humans, coloring pages are specifically made for adult humans. I would advise investing in some coloring books for adult humans.
c. Puzzles; as long as the puzzle is not too complicated, and as long as it is time consuming, your human should be happy. Try incorporating bright colors into the puzzle to keep their attention.
d. Television: humans like watching other humans play pretend. It’s actually kind of adorable, and they can do this for hours.
e. Give a human something to read, preferably in their native language. Humans LOVE making up stories and reading them. There are even humans who make a living out of this.
f. Music: this is like a drug to humans. They love having it all day every day, and use it to promote concentration, performance, relaxation, and even sleep. Be sure to note that not every human likes ALL music and not ALL music promotes the same effects.
2. Another important thing to remember is that humans need physical contact to be happy (in general often it is a good idea to keep two humans or more rather than just one.
a. Humans like cuddling with other members of their species. Though the female human is more likely to do this, male humans have been known to do this in large packs. This works best when there are members of both sexes.
b. When a human is upset, it is normal for them to do a sort of standing cuddle for a few seconds. If you don’t have another human to perform this procedure, you can do it yourself by following the directions in diagram A-1.
c. Humans who have been friends for a long time, or usually, a mating pair of humans connect to each other by holding hands so they won’t become separated from each other.
3. Humans collect soft objects en mass this includes blankets, pillows, sweaters, clothes, and sometimes, other animals. If you ever need to get a gift for a human get them something fuzzy.
4. Humans are aggressively loyal to their specific and have been known to. Run into burning buildings, donate their own organs, give their blood, sacrifice themselves, lavish gifts, get into fights, and kill members of opposing groups. If you have been accepted into a human group, you should consider yourself very lucky. It is always better to be friends with a human than enemies to a human.
5. To greet a human you have a couple of options.
a. They prefer the handshake, which is kind of like the holding hands mentioned earlier, but it takes place face to face and for a shorter period of time. See diagram A-1
b. Present the human with gifts, fuzzy things are recommended, though anything with ethanol in it is also good. Despite its poisonous nature humans love to consume it.
c. Friendship bracelets, now this one is debatable since I have only seen it used in context with the human larvae. However the earlier you can become friends with a human, the longer you have to be integrated into their close circle.
d. Wave your appendages. Humans do this often to greet people.
e. Jumping up and down and screaming also seems to be an acceptable method of greeting someone, use wisely.
6. Humans also enjoy wearing shiny objects. The shinier the object, the greater status they have. Males often give females shiny objects to wear on their bodies to denote their status. The human with the most shiny objects is probably the leader so defer to them. These also make very good gifts. Make sure the shiny object is small enough that they can wear it, on their arms, around their necks, or on one of their fingers.
7. While many chemical compounds can kill us, humans use them for pleasure.
a. Some drugs cause the human to be sleepy and hungry.
b. Some drugs make a human paranoid and violent
c. Some drugs make humans angry, goofy, happy, dumb, and cause them to throw up everywhere. Would not recommend.
d. Some cause extreme euphoria.
e. All of these drugs should probably be avoided for they are not healthy for the human.
8. Humans love dancing, usually paired with music, they like to use a combination of, kicking, wiggling, jumping and twirling. It is always fun to watch a human dance even if they are not very good at it…. Some humans wiggle professionally.
9. Human status is also based on how shiny and straight their teeth are. Humans use teeth to demonstrate both happiness and anger. The human with the best teeth probably has the highest status.
10. WARNING: humans have the compulsive need to touch things, even things that they don’t know the chemical makeup of. Make sure to enforce strict rules of NO TOUCHING for your human friends.
11. WARNING: Related to number 10 humans will put ANYTHING in their mouth. Like their fingers, the human mouth has many sensory cells. Humans will use their mouth to explore the enviornment. DO NOT LET THEM DO THIS.
12. Humans love playing games especially if those games have arbitrary nonsensical rules.
a. Following the instructions in table C-1 You can find instructions on making a game that humans will love to play. It is also advisable to assign a point system and a reward for the wining team.
b. Note, if the humans who lose the game is sad, give them snacks, that should make them happy.
13. Pretty sure humans worship Pizza though I’m not really sure what it is yet. Political leader, dark god, or holy symbol, I am not really sure.
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