unearthly laughter echoes off the dank cave walls.
“ha,” fitzroy says, “ha ha. yes, i am - i am very funny. my comedic prowess is - it’s unparalleled. knows no bounds.” he pauses; looks around. it’s very dark. after a moment, the laughter subsides. the chamber is very quiet. “hello? uh, mister ranier’s dad?”
fitzroy watches as the bones lining the chamber rattle like maracas. they roll over and do not play dead. he flinches as one bumps up against his ankle - grody - and then takes a step back as it takes a tumble towards a tender reunion with its brethren. fibula and tibia lock themselves in a loving embrace with the patella; the femur says hello to pelvis and they come together like dear old friends. fitzroy watches every notch of the spine realign itself. if ranier were here, she’d probably think it quite elegant.
alas, ranier is not here! this is fitzroy’s nightmare.
the skeleton comes together like rewinding time. fitzroy glimpses the gentle coil of intestine and valiantly does not puke. fine hair clings to fair skin, which coalesces over red ropes of muscle over marrow, and around that, a soft red robe appears. it’s still pretty dark, but if fitzroy squints he thinks he can see a pair of - are those blue jeans?
“hey,” the undying lord says. it is extremely unsettling that the lich king of a hundred worlds sounds just like a regular dude. he winces. “sorry about that. bones. you know how it is.“ fitzroy does not, but he nods anyway. "you’re, uh - fitzroy, right? s'nice to meet you. i’m ranier’s dad, but you can just call me barry.”
“hello,” fitzroy says. “so - uh, mister undying lord, sir, so nice to meet you, ranier’s said very good things - can i just say? i hated that. did not like it! like, i’ve been to a literal hell dimension filled with madness and, uh, demons? hell demons, with scary fire breath, and i have to say, that was just the worst. wow. where’s ranier?”
“huh? oh, if she didn’t come through the portal with you, she’s probably still back at school,” barry says, distracted. he turns and waves a hand. one by one, torches illuminate the room. “didn’t she read the instructions i gave her?”
“apparently not!” fitzroy says. the cave around them is mostly empty, because, well - it’s a cave. there’s a decrepit desk pushed up against the far wall. some maps above it, all lined with red string. a few chests. a grody looking bed. it’s a little disappointing, to be honest. what’s the point of corrupting your soul with untold magic and saving the world if it doesn’t earn you a walk-in closet? “if she’s back at school, where are we? is this your house?” that would explain a lot.
barry laughs. “no, no - this is, uh - s'more like… a bunker? i spent a lot of time here a couple years ago. we’re just outside of new phandalin.”
“yeah! it’s game night back at the house, but i didn’t want to subject you to all of that. everybody’s home, and we can be - we’re kind of a lot. ranier said you had something important you wanted to talk about, though.”
“also, i was excited to meet the sir fitzroy maplecourt, knight in absentia to the realm of goodcastle. ranier’s told me a lot about you.”
fitzroy breaks off and absolutely does not flush. “she has?”
barry nods, leaning back against the desk. on it, there is a skull; barry picks it up and tosses it back and forth between his hands absently, like a baseball. fitzroy assumes this is an intimidation tactic. he puffs up so barry can’t tell it’s working. "s'not every day she brings a boy home, y'know? like i said, our family is… excitable. so before we go any further, i gotta ask -“
he looks up at fitzroy, suddenly serious. "what are your intentions with my daughter?”
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