i dont know what prompted this rant but im so sorry
i havent been in touch with things i love anymore.
ive stopped playing videogames, ive stopped following my favourite bands or kpop groups (though i occassionally still listen to their songs).
i dont find time to do self-care stuff like oiling my hair or using a hair mask, cutting and filing my nails, putting moisturizer or even that cream the doctor gave me for the rash on my elbow, or even just taking a nice, long bath- now i only take quick showers :( sadly
i dont bother doing my hair every day- it stays in the same plait thats compulsory for school- from morning till the next morning where i just untie it and retie the ponytail, i dont even bother to use that cream that clears up my pimples anymore.
even though i desperately want to look good, i dont find motivation to put in the EFFORT to anymore.
and i really dont want anyone to be disgusted by me im so sorry but man idk whats going on
i feel so demotivated. like there are so many better things to do than all this stuff FOR MYSELF.
this one teacher of mine in school keeps complaining that i 'dont care enough' and i agree with her, i literally dont give batshit about what shes saying. all i do is apologize, move on, and dont improve myself in the slightest way.
i care less and less every day, and it kinda scares me.
but its easy. its easier than caring about every single thing, feeling burdened by the amount of tasks i still have, my flaws that i have to work on. its so much easier to just stay the way i am, even though im not that good right now.
will i ever look at myself and think that i deserve to take care of myself? hell, i cant even be motivated to go downstairs WALKING every evening, even though i know its beneficial for ME.
and i need to practice sprinting for my sports day because its coming up in a week and
i used to win all the races i ran, everyone thinks im the fastest runner in the school but im NOT, theres this one girl that no one really likes and shes kinda faster than me-
and i cant let anyone down and i cant let them be disappointed in me, so i have to go practice and i have to go train, but im so lazy that i DONT and i hate that i dont, and i wished i cared enough but i dont know why i dont.
i feel so out of control of my own body, my own MIND and my own choices and i dont like anything right now
im gonna regret it later, i just know it. when im standing on that track and waiting for the signal to start running, im gonna regret not practicing more and im gonna hate it. but im too lazy to DO anything about it and start making changes from today and i hate that about myself
im gonna let everyone down. and then once they find out i am indeed NOT the fastest they wont like me anymore.
it sounds childish, that i think people with stop liking me for something so 'trivial' as this, but ill take whatever wins i get, okay?
if being a really fast runner makes them think of me as a fast runner, and worth thinking about- worth talking about- and worth praising, then its important to me. and i need to continue being the best, or else im irrelevant.
somehow writing all this down makes me even more confused than before
theres even MORE stuff still in my head, you know? and i know i want to write them down, too, but i dont know why im not. but im just not. maybe thats a vent post for another time
also whats the difference between rant posts and vent posts? i hope im not tagging this wrong T.T
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dededos
annaxmalina
baratheonpilled
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