this is js a song i wrote in 10 mins but also basically a summary of my life except for the ending 😭
there’s a hole inside my chest
where all my feelings manifest
sometimes i wonder if any of them are wrong
especially when i hear the doorbell
i don’t want them to come home
i want to stay as i am, all alone
doesn’t anyone understand that that’s all?
that i’m not just some puppeteered doll
mom, dad, can you treat me like
that this heart’d stop beating
(glass breaking, “ano sinabi mo!?”)
wait, sorry, that was a lie
really, really, i’m fine, i’m fine
i’ll just crawl back into my den
there’s a hole in my chest
my feelings no longer manifest
i sit inside my room all day
so, this is the price i have to pay?
music helps, sometimes, i guess
ignoring all the pain i’ve dressed
inner child? what child, what child?
the one that grew up too soon, knowing touch no longer mild?
mom, dad, can i grow up faster?
now i know my injuries won’t be solved by plaster
say that i’m still your little baby
(cooing, vague “mahal kita!”)
wait, i know that’s stupid
really, really, it is idiotic
i’ll just crawl back into my den
there’s a hole in my chest
feelings are weak, i cannot rest
as the days go by, so did my cries
for help, but, oh well, no one cares about a stray’s hurt yelp
a whispered plea, unheard and unwanted
left for dead, useless even if created
every interest, a saving grace
yet lulling me more to join those of death’s race
fight, flight, freeze, fawn
every morning is the old, dead dawn
shining behind the clouds the sun rises
and i fall, past the point of crisis
mom, dad, today, i put to rest
my soul and its vessel, it’s for the best
to the place i’ve never known
(“oh, god, what have we done!?”)
hell or heaven, who cares? not me
all i know is right now, right here
(“mari! mari! oh, mari.. what did we do wrong..? ano ginawa namin?”)
(a few seconds later, flapping of wings, and “be not afraid.”)
we meet an abused child named mari, a play on the word marionette. we see inside her mind as she ages and as her days get worse, until she ultimately can’t take it anymore and she hangs herself, therefore being “asleep.”
