pathetic little diary

::: SON OF A BITCH EVERYTHING IS REAL :::

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It's So Funny i feel extremely unstable

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Another one for the book boys! Bad time

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Life getting harder and stupider. suicidal thots returning .

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i have to get something off my chest.

It feels like i'm dying. Like i'm wasting away into nothingness. Physically. My body is deteriorating, I just keep getting weaker and thinner and more frail no matter what I do.

I'm worried that my time is coming. This isn't how I wanted to go. Dying of illness was always one of my worst fears, and it seems like it's coming true.

How bad will it get? Will i be able to lift anything? To walk, run, jump? Stand up? Will i be bed bound? Why can't I gain any weight? Why do I continue to lose so much volume that I can't even stand to feel my own body anymore? I'm bony and sore and it's exhausting. I feel terrible. What's wrong with me?

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ok. ok. ive done enough. theres nothing i can do. its useless to try and help. it doesnt involve me anyway. best to just stay out of it.

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Nobody will help me die. Do you all want me to be miserable

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I think the main reason. Why I stopped posting on here is bc I got a better support system. I finally have someone to talk to. So I don't need to shout into the void anymore. But sometimes I still do.

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I feel like I'm just doing progressively worse. I don't know how to stop it. I'm just slipping and getting weaker. I need help. I

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I think the main reason. Why I stopped posting on here is bc I got a better support system. I finally have someone to talk to. So I don't need to shout into the void anymore. But sometimes I still do.

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i... think i just have to accept that i'm not a very good friend. and i'm not fishing for compliments or validation but i just ... cant keep up w/ it. i'll text one person like a billion times a day for a year or two and it eventually peters out .... i kinda want to be friends with everyone but i stretch myself too thin or .... maybe i just have to accept that friends are temporary ..... and i'll just have to keep changing them out for the rest of my life. and that makes me kinda sad. i dont want to keep sharing myself with people knowing nothing will come of it. i'm not looking for love just.... friendship. companionship. someone to talk to. someone to laugh with. someone to feel better with. i don't know

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Tbh im tired of waking up scared

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i was thinking about killing myself again but then i realized thats soooo hard i hope i just passively dehydrate n die

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i lose steam really fast. i lose motivation very quickly. i get swallowed up by my toxic perfectionism and prefer to give up, rather than have to look at my failed piece and everything i did wrong in it. its demotivating and humiliating to think i could even attempt it. what a fool.

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Hard work? i haven't worked hard. sometimes it feels like i can't, but i know i can. and i still don't do it. interesting

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it's been a long time since i've posted here. no, things have not gotten better, yet. in fact, i'd say they'd gotten worse. but i survived, no worse for wear.

it feels like my entire life is slipping through my fingers and i'm powerless to stop it. too afraid, too stupid, too broke.

but at least i have friends and family who love me. at least i can be happy with what i have. but i'll always want more. i'll always yearn for more.

when will i finally take control of my life? is it too late to stop being pathetic? i've seen the light. i've seen hope. it's real & it's there, waiting for me. fun and excitement is possible for me.

that's why it's torture to endure every day that's so boring and dull in my house. falling back into those abusive, unhealthy dynamics.

i need to escape.

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My heart is pounding so hard with what i'm about to do. ive never felt this much drive in my life. and i haven't even taken my meds yet!

this is really it, isn't it? i wanted to plan it out more, but i know the longer i think about it, the less likely i'll be to go through with it.

no more overthinking. no more planning.

[Nike voice] Just Do It. ✔️

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Update: went to target to buy a rope to hang myself with, but they didn't have any

i realized they probably have some at home depot, so i looked online and the nearest one was a 40 min walk

i always already tired and kinda limping , so i decided to go home and try again tomorrow

i'll bring cash with me for a bus ticket & go to home depot and get the rope, then come home

that's if nobody catches on.... i hope

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My heart is pounding so hard with what i'm about to do. ive never felt this much drive in my life. and i haven't even taken my meds yet!

this is really it, isn't it? i wanted to plan it out more, but i know the longer i think about it, the less likely i'll be to go through with it.

no more overthinking. no more planning.

[Nike voice] Just Do It. ✔️

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i often think abou5 the fact that Virginia Woolf was a celebrated writer who killed herself in her 40s. perhaps thatll be me one day. but i've always aimed to kill myself while i was still cute