Um ok this is unreal?? I just wanted to say to anyone who listened to my music this year, anywhere in the world, thank you. Getting named Spotify’s Global Top Artist in 2023 is truly the best birthday/holiday gift you could’ve given me. We’ve seriously had THE MOST fun this year out there on tour and now this. Are you serious. So I was trying to think of a way to thank you, and a lot of you have been asking me to put “You’re Losing Me (From The Vault)” on streaming… so here you go! You can finally listen EVERYWHERE now 💋
Philotes (Φιλότης) was a minor goddess of affection, friendship and sex in Greek mythology. Sometimes she was referred to as a spirit or daimones rather than a deity. Philotes was the daughter of Nyx (goddess of the night) and sister to Hypnos (god of sleep) and according to some myths she was one of the driving forces of the creation of humankind. She was the force of good things. Additionally Philotes was offended by life-destroying offerings and demanded abstention from animal sacrifices. In some writings, she was also associated more with famous goddess of love, Aphrodite.
(Elie Saab Fall 2018 Haute Couture Collection)
Pairing: Natasha x Reader (established), Dom!Wanda x Reader
Summary: When you love someone you’d do anything to make your relationship work, but you never expected your girlfriend to suggest you have sex with someone else.
Warning: 18+ minors dni, angst, poly themes (warnings will be specific to the chapter)
a/n: honestly this is a dream-turned fic. Hope you enjoy! Special thanks to @tastetherambeau for being my soundboard and @didujustcallmedumb for giving me genius ideas.
Judgment | Part 1
6,913 words | Masterlist
| X | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | All I Ask of You Masterlist
Natasha moaned softly above you, her back arched and brows furrowed as she looked down at you with parted lips. You held onto her waist, helping her thrust against your palm as your fingers curled inside of her velvet walls. Sweat dripped down her brow and you found yourself envious as her face twisted in pleasure, whimpers falling from her lips the closer she got to her high.
You closed your eyes, trying to conjure up anything in your mind to help you cum as her fingers moved inside of you and her thumb lazily circled your clit, but your mind drew blank. You hated to admit that even if you had, your fantasies weren’t enough anymore.
“M’so close, baby.”
“Yeah, me too.”
“Cum with me.” She whimpered, “fuck baby, so good.”
Her bouncing hips lost rhythm while you nodded, faking a moan that you desperately wished was real as you arched your back and hoped that she wouldn’t see through another fake orgasm.
With a final cry of her own, she collapsed beside you making you sigh in relief and frustration as you lay there unsatisfied while she panted to catch her breath.
“I love you.” She rasped, leaning over to place a kiss on your cheek as she wrapped her arms around your waist.
“I love you too.” You whispered, a sharp pain aching in your chest knowing what she was going to say next. You were going to have to lie to your girlfriend, again and you hate it.
“Did you cum, baby?”
“Yeah, totally.” You mumbled, lips pressed into a thin smile as she placed another kiss against the corner of your mouth.
“That was amazing.” She sighed, tucking her head into the curve of your neck, humming contently before drifting off to sleep.
You’ve managed to keep up this charade for years and it was beginning to grow exhausting. Something needed to change, but you dreaded having the conversation. Most of all, you were afraid to lose her.
You absentmindedly flip through pages of your book knowing you wouldn’t be able to focus on the words, not with everything that was on your mind.
Last night was harder than most. You wanted to blame it on the lack of foreplay, but after years of doing the same thing over and over again, it would probably only cause even more frustration. You missed the days when this wasn’t a problem. You missed when you felt you could talk to Natasha without the sinking feeling in your chest that things would go wrong.
When you started dating, your friends couldn’t make sense of it. Sure you were complete opposites in almost every way, but you love her and she loves you. That should be enough right?
“Ok, so what’s going on?” You look up in time to see Carol plopping down onto the chair across from you.
“No, hey how are ya?” You jested, putting your book aside to nervously tap your fingers against your coffee cup. The warmth was slowly leaving by the second and you haven’t even taken your first sip.
“When you called you sounded weird and I’m worried, so what’s going on?”
“It’s Natasha.” You mumbled.
“I guessed as much.” She crossed her arms over her chest and you knew you’d need to explain before the blonde jumped to her own conclusion. “She didn’t do anything wrong, Carol, unclench your jaw.” You chuckled, “It’s just that we, um-.”
You flicked your gaze to the table, tracing your eyes over the broken pattern of the wood. Not so much embarrassed to speak what’s on your mind, but solemn that it hadn’t worked itself out like you thought it would.
“Hey,” She said, taking you out of your thoughts. Her soft smile was contagious as she reached out to grab your hand. No one would know just meeting her, but she was the kindest out of all of you. Always wanting to comfort and make everyone around her feel safe, “You know I’d never judge you right?”
“I know.”
“If she did something-
“She didn’t. That’s kind of the problem.” You sighed and took a deep breath. All you had to do was say it out loud and the hard part would be over. “The sex is bad.”
Your eyes widened not meaning for it to come out exactly like that but Carol’s laugh made it that much worse. She tried to stifle her giggles when she met your glare, but it only increased when you began to pout.
“I’m sorry, I am - It’s just, really?”
“Yes, ok.”
“Has it always been this way or is this new?”
“It wasn’t bad in the beginning. I was fine with the fact that she wasn’t that adventurous in bed. I just thought that maybe - that eventually she’d be open to trying other things, but she isn’t.”
“Aw, she doesn’t like your kinks?” She teased.
“No. She doesn’t. She doesn’t do kink at all.” You said, wishing you had talked to someone about this sooner. Even if it was your shit head best friend who loved laughing at your misery.
“Wait. You mean to tell me that you - one of the kinkiest bitches I know - has been having vanilla sex for the last five years.” You buried your head in your hands groaning as she sat back in her seat. “Oh wow. I don’t even know what to say to that.”
“It was fine, until it wasn’t.” You said, and it really was, but somewhere along the line boredom turned into your vagina rebelling against you.
“When did it stop being fine?”
“Around two years ago. I love her you know but I need more besides two fingers and maybe if I’m lucky foreplay. I just wish she’d toss me around and smack me a little or something, anything.” You grumbled.
“Like let you call her mommy while she rails you from behind?” Carol smirked.
“You are so annoying,” You blushed, hating that she knew you so well, “and she’d never. It slipped out once our first year together and she flipped.”
“How are you not cranky all the time?”
“Masturbation.” You shrugged, finally taking a sip of your lukewarm coffee.
“Is that enough?”
“Used to be.”
“You know I can’t say I’m surprised. I mean, it’s Natasha, no offense babe, but she’s always been uptight.”
“She’s not that uptight.” You said, rolling your eyes - ok she was, but it calmed down a bit over the years and It was understandable with how she was raised, but you still felt the need to defend her when anyone brought it up.
“You should join a gym. Work out all of your pent up frustration.”
“Shut up. This is serious.” You whined.
“I know, I know, but you can’t honestly tell me you didn’t know it would be like this when you started dating her.”
“I did, but she was just so different from anyone I’ve ever dated before that I didn’t make it a priority. She’s kind and gentle and she was always so patient with me and my crazy. She was the complete opposite of her, you know.”
“In every way it seems.”
“Yeah well, sex was the only good thing in that relationship.” You chuckled bitterly. “If only I could combine that sex with the relationship I have now.”
“I know. Sadly it doesn’t really work that way.” She said, “Look I had my doubts when you and Natasha hooked up and not just because she’s uptight - and demanding - she can also be a little self centered-
“Carol, get to the point.”
“Right. My point is that she made you happy. That’s all I wanted for you. Especially after the pain you went through with she who shall not be named.”
“There’s another but, isn’t there?”
“You jumped into things with her too quickly. Like you said, Natasha is the complete opposite of her. I’m not saying that you don’t love her because anyone can see that, but you also ignored your needs and wants in the process.”
“You didn’t think to maybe tell me this five years ago?” You teased, knowing she was right but you didn’t see it at the time.
“Would you have listened?”
“Fair point.” You chuckled, “I don’t regret anything. I just wish we were more compatible in bed. I also wish it wasn’t such a fucking problem for me. I mean this shouldn’t be a problem right?”
“It’s different for everyone. It’s ok if sex is a priority for you in a relationship, you know that. You’ve just never been in this situation before.”
“I feel like a dick.”
“You don’t have to feel bad for wanting more. It’s not really realistic for one person to give you everything you need and that’s ok. Why do you think Maria and I opened our relationship? Doesn’t mean we love each other any less.”
“Didn’t your open relationship close recently?”
“We just found the third piece to our puzzle, that's all.”
“Can we just talk about how you're dating two Marias’, doesn’t that get confusing?”
“Shut up, we aren’t talking about me.” She said, playfully narrowing her eyes, “and yes, but we’re talking about you and your need to get properly laid.”
“I would settle for just an orgasm at this point.” You said, chewing your bottom lip. Carol’s eyes went wide as she leaned forward in shock. “Jesus, Y/n, Is it really that bad?”
“Yeah. I guess it is now.”
“Wow, ok. Well, bottom line is that she fulfills you romantically so maybe you just need to find someone that can fulfill you sexually.”
“Yeah sure.” You chuckled, but you stopped when she didn’t join you, “You’re serious?”
“I am.”
“Natasha would never go for an open relationship.” You weren’t sure if you’d want to either.
“She might.” She shrugged, taking your coffee cup, “Never know unless you ask her.” She took a sip, and you laughed at her grimace, “Ok, you need to get a new coffee, this is disgusting.”
“Maybe next time get your own.” You said, tilting your head.
Your phone chimed in your pocket and you took it out, rolling your eyes as Carol took another sip.
“Who is it?”
“Val, she wants to meet at Ragnarok. You free?”
“For now, but Maria wants to meet up in a few.”
“Which one?”
“Shut up.” She mumbled, smiling behind the cup as you smirked.
“Come on blondie, let’s go meet the others.” You said standing, holding out your hand to help her up. You reached for your coffee but before you could grab it, she tossed it in the trash. “Carol!”
“We’ll stop by Stumptown on the way and get you a real coffee.”
“You have the weirdest prejudice against Starbucks.”
“Hey.” She said, grabbing your hand as you left the shop to get your attention. “Be honest with me. Is sex the only thing you’re bored with?”
“What do you mean?”
“Does she still make you happy?”
You paused, completely taken off guard by the question. You never stopped to think about it yourself. You fought no more than other couples, but you also fell into a routine. You’d come home, you’d have dinner, watch a movie, and go to bed. Everyday was the same and you can’t exactly remember when it became that way. You were in a rut, that much was obvious, but were you unhappy?
“I-I don’t know.”
As your words stumbled out, Carol pulled you into a hug. The warm embrace brought out pent up emotions that you hadn’t even realized you’ve been holding in for so long.
“It’s ok if it doesn’t work out. You’re a catch you know.” She said pulling back, “If I didn’t have my hands full.” She wiggled her eyebrows, puckering her lips as she cupped your cheeks. “You’re such an ass.” You chuckled, pushing her off you. She never failed to make you smile no matter what you were going through
“Everything will be ok, Y/n, but you have to talk to her.”
When you got home Natasha was in the kitchen starting dinner. You took a moment to watch her as she tied her loose curls into a ponytail before wiping her hands on her ‘Kiss the Russian’ apron. You smiled remembering the first time she ever cooked for you. The only thing she let you do was taste as she went along, feeding you little spoonfuls here and there as she worked her magic.
Most people assume you asked her out first, but truth is, you always thought Natasha was too good for you. She was the one who always got the group out of trouble or pulled you away from the ledge when you went too far with your recklessness back in college. She’s had her shit together since the day you’ve known her. You never really understood why she ever put up with all of you.
The idea that she could have feelings for you never crossed your mind, especially when you were such a wreck after graduation - and the breakup. So much so, that when she asked you to come over for dinner you thought it was just to spend more time together as friends, until the night ended with a gentle kiss and the promise of more to come. You almost couldn’t believe that was five years ago. You consider yourself lucky that a woman like her chose to be with you. You just hoped you wouldn’t fuck it up, not when the two of you have come this far.
When her back was turned you slowly walked up to her and wrapped your arms around her waist. The tiny giggle she lets out as you litter her neck with kisses warmed your heart.
“Hey, baby.”
“Hello, gorgeous. Can I help with anything?” You mumbled, pecking her neck one more time before resting your chin against her shoulder.
“No, but thank you, love. I’d rather not have to take you to the hospital tonight.”
You rolled your eyes as she chuckled, and poked her ribs smiling when she let out a squeal, “It was one time.” You said, pulling away as she turned around in your arms. “Will you ever let me live that one down?”
She shook her head, taking your hand in hers, tracing the scar on your thumb from your five year old knife wound, “Nope.” she smirked, kissing it gently. “But this isn’t the only scar you have from being reckless with a knife.”
“Hey, blame Val. She’s the one who suggested we use knives as darts” You teased.
“And you’re the one who drunkenly agreed.”
“Fun times.” You hummed, kissing her softly. Your lips breaking out into a smile as she pulled away to playfully roll her eyes. Sometimes you wished you could live in these moments. The ones that make everything feel ok, instead of the truth that things were far from it.
“How was lunch with Carol?”
“It was fun. We um- talked and then met up with the others at Ragnarok.”
“Sorry I missed that.”
“You were working, besides we have that dinner next week to celebrate Tony becoming a baby daddy.” You said, wiggling your eyebrows.
“I still can’t believe someone let that man reproduce. Thank god Pepper’s the other half of that kid's dna.”
You jumped slightly when your phone buzzed in your pocket, not expecting to hear from anyone so soon. You took a step back, unlocked your phone, and rolled your eyes when you saw it was from Carol. She always did have perfect timing.
Talk to her you coward
Blondie
Natasha frowned when she felt your body tense slightly. “What is it, Y/n?” She asked, tucking a stray hair behind your ear before lightly cupping your jaw.
“I - um. It’s nothing. Just Carol being Carol.”
“She giving you a hard time again?”
“Something like that.”
“Pay her no mind, baby. You know she just likes to tease you.” She said, pecking your cheek before turning around to continue chopping the vegetables.
You ran your fingers through your hair contemplating if now was a good time, but was there ever a good time to tell your girlfriend you’ve been faking orgasms for the last two years? No, but it wasn’t just about that. That’s what made this so hard. Carol asking if you were happy made you realize you’ve been ignoring a lot of things over the past few years.
Frustration squirmed in the pit of your stomach and you thought of leaving it alone until last night and all the others flashed in your mind. You had to talk to her no matter how afraid you were to bring it up again. You just hoped she would actually be open to talking to you about it.
“Hey, Nat?”
She hummed in response as you leaned against the island, trying to calm your heart that was steadily beginning to race the more the words bubbled up to the surface.
“Did Carol tell you about Maria? Hill, not Rambeau?” You stammered - coward.
“No, what about her?”
“They made it official, all of them.” You said, fidgeting with the end of your sweater.
“All of them? Wait, they're all dating each other now?” She asked, turning around. “I thought Carol was just seeing Hill while she figured out her shit with Rambeau.”
“Oh, Carol and Maria weren’t having problems, they just decided to have an open relationship. Anyways, they’re all together now. It’s sweet right?”
“It’s a little different. I mean how does that work exactly?”
“Carol described it as finding the missing piece to their puzzle.” You said, looking down at your hands, kicking yourself for not being able to get the words out.
She hummed, narrowing her eyes before turning back around, “If it works for them. Guess we got lucky, huh?”
Your heart sank to your chest. You just needed to rip off the bandaid and get it over with so you can work on fixing it. You just hoped this wouldn’t be the thing that ended you.
“I kind of wanted to talk to you about something else.” You said, taking a deep breath.
“Can it wait until after dinner? I still need to prep everything before I put it in the oven.”
“Not really.” You mumbled, if you didn’t get it out now you didn’t think you’d be able to later.
“Hey, what is it?” She turned around to face you, her warm smile dropping as she sensed your hesitation. She reached forward, a questioning look on her face as she pulled you into her arms. “You can talk to me about anything. You know that, baby.”
But you couldn’t. At least you didn’t feel like you could, not about this.
“Fuck it.” You sighed, shaking off your nerves, “I know it’s been a while since we talked about this, but I think we need to. A couple of things actually.”
“Baby, what is it? You’re making me worried.”
“I’m sorry. I don’t mean to.” You said, shifting your eyes to the ground. She cupped your jaw tilting your head to connect your lips. You sighed into the kiss, adding more pressure hoping it would calm your nerves.
“I love you. You know that right.” You whispered.
“I love you too. Talk to me.”
“It’s about last night and well a couple of other nights actually.” She nodded, waiting for you to get everything out. It was one of the things you loved about her, even though you knew that what you were going to say next would pop the bubble you’ve been living in for a while, “I know in the past you’ve said you weren’t interested in trying anything new in bed and I understand, I do.”
“So then what is this about? What happened last night?”
“I faked it.” You choke out, waiting on bated breath as confusion flickered on her face until her eyes widened in realization. “Oh.” She whispered, stepping out of your arms, “Alright. Was it something I did?”
“No. Um, no.”
“Well, it happens sometimes right? I mean a lot of women have faked an orgasm once or twice.” She said, wiping her hands down her apron as she moved to turn around. “I’m adding a different spice to dinner tonight so I hope you like it.”
“Nat, please don’t do this again.” You sighed.
“Do what?”
“Deflect.”
“I’m not.” She said, steeling her gaze.
“You are. You always do this.”
“Fine. Go on then.” She said, crossing her arms over chest. “Though I’m not really sure why you’re making this such a big deal. You made me think something was seriously wrong with you.”
“It is a big deal. We-We’ve been different, Nat.”
“Whose deflecting now?”
“What?”
“Nothing’s changed with us, Y/n. You’ve been different.” She said, narrowing her eyes and before you could defend yourself, she raised her hand, cutting you off as she continued, “This isn’t just about last night, so what’s this really about?”
“I just- I hate lying to you.” You mumbled, shaking your head to collect your thoughts. “I realized that I should have talked to you about how I was feeling sooner, but I didn’t know how to bring it up without hurting you.”
“Just say it.”
You nodded, chewing your bottom lip as the nerves ate you up inside. “I need more.” You sighed, running your hands through your hair as she pursed her lips. “I understand that you aren’t open to exploring, but we-
“God, Y/n. How many times do we have to talk about this?”
“This would technically be the third time but that’s not what-
“Then what?”
“If you would just let me finish a sentence.” You said, taking a beat. The last thing you wanted was to argue. “You said I could talk to you about anything.”
“I know and I meant that, but talking about this is weird for me, ok.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say.” You mumbled.
“Oh, you mean like all the other times?”
“That was in the past. I just wanted to have an open conversation about how I’m feeling.”
“I can’t. I know what you want and I can’t. I don’t know how many times I can say it until you understand.”
“I understand your side perfectly fine, but have you ever considered understanding mine? Every time I try to talk to you about this you blow me off.”
“I don’t blow you off.”
“You do, every single time or you change the subject. Hell you did it the first year we started dating and refused to bring it up since.”
“Because you called me mo- you know what, I can’t even say it. I get it, it was the slip of the tongue, but it was easier for me to pretend like it never happened.” She wiped her hands over her face, shaking her head as she turned to look away from you.
“Yeah, like last time.” You mumbled.
“What you asked me to do to you freaked me out, Y/n. I didn’t want to talk about it then and I’d rather not talk about it now.”
“I asked if you could put your hand on my neck. I didn’t ask you to choke me.”
“But you wanted me to.”
“I didn’t ask.”
“But I knew you wanted me to. Why the hell would you even-
“Just forget it.” You said, wanting to turn back time and crawl back into the bubble pretending everything was ok.
“I’m sorry it’s just when you bring this shit up it makes my skin crawl.” You hear her continue to mumble under her breath and it felt like a knife in the gut hearing the tail end of it.
“It’s sick? It’s that bad for you, huh?” You scoffed, “You knew who I was before you pursued me.”
“I thought that you’d grow out of it.”
“Grow out of it?”
“Yes, why would you want to go through that again? Why would you want me to do the same things she did to you? She was abusive, Y/n.”
“Emotionally.”
“And physically.”
“The sex wasn’t abusive and I hate when you bring Sharon up to shut me down.” You said, seeing the guilt reflect in her eyes before you ducked your head. Your hands shook as you took a steady breath. You hadn’t been able to say her name in a long time, and as you played with your rings to calm yourself down, you noticed that despite your initial reaction the very mention of her name no longer made you feel you were suffocating.
“I’m sorry, baby. That's not what I was trying to do. It gutted me seeing how she treated you. Watching you become a shell of who you are hurt so damn much and the last thing I would want is to do the same.”
“I know, but you aren’t like her, Nat. I know you’d never treat me the way she did, but I need you to hear me when I say that I liked the things she did to me in bed. She’s not the first person I had that kind of sexual relationship with.”
“Well, forgive me for thinking that you would want something different.”
“I did-
“Wow, past tense.” She scoffed.
“Can you stop? I’m just trying to be honest with you.”
“Yeah well, I guess it was my mistake for thinking you’ve been honest with me from the beginning.”
“I tried. You shut me out.”
“So this is on me?”
You took a deep breath. Too many emotions boiling to the surface and you didn’t want to say anything you’d regret.
“We’ve been together for five years, Y/n.”
“So because of that you assumed my wants and desires would just go away?”
“I’m not saying that. I just thought maybe you would change. I thought that showing you how you deserve to be treated would make you realize how-
“How sick my desires are?”
“That’s not-, haven't I shown you that you don’t need any of that?” She asked, taking a step forward. If you had room to move away you would, but you held your ground trying not to recoil the closer she became. You were used to having your feelings disregarded, but the woman you love being the one to do it made your heart constrict inside your chest. “Sex is supposed to be intimate, it’s about showing the person you love how much they mean to you. Slapping you, choking you- that’s not how you show love.”
Tears welled in the corner of your eyelids but you refused to let them fall, and tried to will them away every step she took.
“You don’t need it, baby.” She repeated, reaching out to grab your hand, but at the last second you found yourself flinching away. You didn’t miss the hurt in her eyes, but you were hurt too and it killed you that she didn’t see it. She dropped her hand, and took a step back not missing the way your body sagged in relief. “Are you going to say anything?”
“What if I do?” You whispered, concentrating on the window as a stubborn tear fell from your eye.
“What?”
“What if do, Natasha?” You swiftly lock your gaze with hers, hastily wiping your cheek as you stand straighter. “You say I don’t need it. So what? Wanting it isn’t enough? You make me feel like wanting to enjoy something is wrong.”
“Are you saying that you don’t enjoy having sex with me?”
Your lips parted to speak but you stayed silent not wanting to say anything rash. For Natasha, your silence was answer enough.
“Wow, Y/n.”
“Can you just let me explain?”
“And say what? That having sex with me is a chore for you?”
“That’s not what I’m saying.”
“Then what are you saying!”
“I don’t feel desired by you!” You exclaimed, wishing you could take it back as her lips parted in shock but everything you’ve been holding in begged to come out. “Your needs are always met, always, but I- fuck. The things you find so appalling make me feel wanted, but I bet that’s never even crossed your mind. How could it? You’re never open to talking to me about it! I love being intimate with you, but I can’t ignore the other part that’s missing anymore. I haven’t even been able to-.” You pause, pinching the bridge of your nose not wanting for it to come out like this.
“Haven’t been able to what?”
“I-I haven’t been able to cum and I mean really cum in years.” You sighed, knowing she was right and you should have been more honest in the beginning. Maybe you could have avoided this entirely if you had.
“You’ve been faking it, for years?” Her voice cracked as she clenched her jaw, and all you could do was nod. “I can’t believe this.”
“I didn’t want to hurt you.”
“Well, you failed.” She chuckled dryly. “I feel like such an idiot.”
“You’re not an idiot, Nat.”
“My girlfriend just told me she’s been faking orgasms for years, what else should I feel like?”
“I should have told you.”
“Why didn’t you?”
“The first time it happened I thought it might have just been an off night. I wanted to ask for - something more in the moment, but then I remembered how you reacted before so I didn’t. I didn’t know that it would keep happening.”
“Were you ever going to tell me?”
“I didn’t feel like I could talk to you about it.”
“Do you know how it makes me feel when you do? Since we’re sharing.” She said, her eyes rimmed red as tears swelled behind her eyelids. “It makes me feel like I’m not good enough for you.”
“You are, god Nat you are. You’re too good for me. You’ve always been too good for me.”
“I hate it when you talk down about yourself like that. You know that.” She mumbled, wiping away her tears as more began to follow.
“I’m sorry.” You said, ducking your head trying to come up with anything to remedy this situation, but nothing would and you knew it.
“You want something I can’t give you, and I- I just want that to be enough, but maybe it isn’t.”
The finality of her words struck a chord with you that hurt more than anything you’ve ever gone through. If you were honest with yourself you were afraid that you both were too different in the beginning to make it work, but you had for five years.
You got your act together, opened up a music studio with Carol, all so you could be someone she could say she was proud to be with. Everyday you tried to be someone worthy of being with her, but somewhere along the line you instead tried to become a different person entirely. Rejecting parts of yourself to fit into the picture you and Natasha crafted together.
She thinks she’s not enough for you, but maybe the truth is that you aren’t enough for her, and you never have been.
The clatter of pots and pans being tossed into the sink broke you away from your thoughts. She tossed the last one in before leaning against the counter with her head down. She looked as defeated as you felt.
“So what now?” You whispered.
“I don’t know.”
“Nat-
“I uh, I need to be alone right now.” She said, tossing her apron onto the counter and taking off to the bedroom before you could respond.
“Well that couldn’t have gone any worse.” You sighed, walking over to the cabinet in search of a bottle of wine.
You’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight, that much was clear. You grabbed a glass and sulked into the living room, plopping down on your bed for the night. A part of you wished you never brought any of it up. That you’d just come home like you did every day, give her a kiss, have dinner, watch a movie, and go to bed.
People speak all the time of finding their person, someone who compliments you and who you are, makes you stronger, makes you feel like you’re enough in this world. You wanted that to be Natasha and couldn't fathom a world where she wasn’t in your life, but you didn’t know how to move forward from this.
The worst part is you didn’t get to talk about anything else. You don’t know how you got here. The silent dinners, the scheduled sex, the canceled dates. Maybe she was right and it wasn’t any different from how it’s always been. The painful truth was that It wasn’t enough anymore, but you want the love you have for her to be enough in the end.
Sleep didn’t come to you like you hoped it would. Instead, you sat on the couch staring at a blank screen. You never really slept well when you were away from Natasha and knowing that she was upset made it even worse. No matter how much you want to try and make it right, she wanted to be alone and you respected that.
You sighed, closing your eyes thinking maybe one more try to go to sleep wouldn't hurt when you heard a noise coming from the other side of the room. Natasha appeared in the doorway, her hands tucked into the pocket of her robs as she leaned against the banister. She looked as exhausted as you felt.
“Can we talk?” she asked, shuffling her feet that were tucked into the fuzzy slippers you got her randomly as a joke because she always complained about having cold feet. You actually never thought she’d wear them, but she did every single night.
“Yeah, of course.” You shifted to give her room, tucking your knees against your chest growing more fearful by the second that she would say the words you dreaded hearing her say. That you should call it quits and try to move on.
Minutes went by and you sat in silence waiting for her to speak first. You would give her all the time she needed to sort through her thoughts. Even though you were dying to know what she was thinking. She sighed heavily before running her fingers through her hair as she took a deep breath before looking at you with resolute eyes.
“What if you found someone else?”
“W-What?” Your body froze as your lips parted in shock. For a second you weren’t sure if you heard her right.
“You could find someone that can give you what you need.” She turned to fully face you, her face as serious as ever as she nodded her head. “I can’t be that for you Y/n, but you can find someone that can be.”
She reached into her pocket, pulling out a black card with red ink and handed it over to you. The word Scarlett was written in elegant cursive and you grew even more confused when you flipped it over to see that the other side was blank.
“What is this?”
“A client of mine gave this to me years ago one night as a thanks for saving her company. It’s a- club for the things that you’re into. I guess you can say she and her husband had a problem similar to ours.”
“And you kept it?” You asked, furrowing your brows.
“My assistant kept it grouped in with all the other business cards. I just never got around to throwing it out. I kind of forgot about it if I’m honest - until now.” She said, shifting as she cleared her throat. “It’s invite-only so she extended the invitation to you. She’s just given me all the information you need to get in.”
“A sex club?”
“It’s a little more classier than that apparently, but yeah. You can find someone with similar interests there.”
“Are you serious? You really want me to sleep with someone else?”
“We would need rules.”
“Nat-
“Rules that we stick by if there’s even the smallest chance of making this work.”
“Natasha.”
“I know ok, believe me this is the last thing I ever thought I’d be suggesting. I thought about it almost to the point of pulling my hair out and I even called Carol for advice.”
“You called Carol? - for advice?”
“I was desperate, ok.” She chuckled dryly. “I realized that I’ve not been entirely fair to you. Our entire relationship you’ve made more than your fair share of sacrifices. You gave up your dream to stay here with me until I finished grad school, you-
“I’d hardly call the makeshift band Val, Carol and I started a ‘dream’, babe.”
“It was at the time, and you know you’ve done more than that for me. The point is, you only really ever asked me for one thing and I refused to even try. I didn’t see how much it was hurting you that I never even tried to talk about it. I was just scared.”
“It’s ok. I understand your side in it, you know.”
“Yeah?”
“Of course I do. I never wanted to pressure you into doing anything you didn’t want to. I guess I just wanted to know that what I wanted mattered? When I say it out loud it’s stupid.”
“What no, it’s not. That’s why I’m suggesting this.” She assured, cupping your cheek gently in her hands, “You were right, I knew who you were before we got together and it was wrong of me to even want you to change a single thing about yourself.”
“I wanted you to change too.” You whispered, “You’re not the only one in the wrong here.”
She nodded, pulling away and grabbed your hand in hers. “I guess I just thought that maybe I could be enough. It’s ok that I’m not.”
“Please don’t say that.”
“It’s ok, I only mean it in the sense that what Carol told me is right.” She rolled her eyes as yours widened in shock. “I know - please never tell her I said that.” She groaned, “but she is. In some cases it doesn't make sense for one person to be everything you need. I have to accept the fact that it just so happens to be the case with us, but I want you to know before we do this that you are that person for me.”
“I’m sorry, Nat.”
She smiled softly as she cupped your jaw, “Don’t be, baby. I want you to be happy.” She said, caressing your cheek before pulling away, “Just, will you still want me when you find someone else?”
“I love you, Natasha. I will always want you.” You said, grabbing her hand in yours, kissing each knuckle making her smile grow and overtake her face.
You ducked your head, staring at the card wondering if this was really going to solve anything. If you would really be able to go through with it. Wanting her was never the problem, you two just wanted different things.
“Ok, so the rules.” She said, sitting up straight.
“Lay them on me.”
“I don’t want to know who it is, when you meet with her, or what happens when you’re with her.”
“Ok, all of those make sense. Anything else?”
“Not at the moment. They're just the only things I could think of.”
“Are you sure about this? I don’t want to hurt you.”
“I know, but Vivian said we aren’t the only couple to do this sort of thing.” She shrugged, “It seems to work for them. Maybe it can work for us too.”
“Yeah, maybe.” You said, tossing the card onto the table.
“Hey, no pressure. If it works, it works and if it doesn’t-
“I don’t want to think about it coming to that.”
“Hey, I didn’t mean it like that, love. I just meant that if this doesn’t work for us we can try something else, ok.”
“Ok.” You whispered.
“Now that that’s settled. I’d like to take you out on a date.” She said, and your lips parted in shock as she nervously chewed her bottom lip.
“Really?”
“You were right, baby. Things have been different since I got my promotion and I realized that we haven't gone out just us in a long time. I’m sorry I put that on you.”
“I could have tried more.”
“I always canceled.” She said, shaking her head, “But I want to change that. Get back to how things were before I became a workaholic.”
“I-I would like that.”
“Good.” She said, and you smiled as she played with your fingers out of habit. “Now, will you come to bed? I can’t sleep without you next to me.”
“Neither can I.” You smiled, leaning over to peck her lips before she stood and pulled you with her into the bedroom.
When you cuddled up to her side nerves settled into your stomach for what was to come. You never thought in a million years your girlfriend would suggest that you have sex with someone else. You didn’t know what else there would be to try if this didn’t work, but you didn’t want to lose her.
To fall in love is to create a religion that has a fallible god.
Sappho | Leonardo Bistolfi | Safet Zec | Richard Siken | Brokeback Mountain (dir. Ang Lee) | Emery Allen | Ron Hicks | Jorge Luis Borges | Holly Warburton | Richard Siken | Joseph Lorusso
Still a good precaution. And definitely necessary for everyone for when life has returned to normal in like three years just in case you meet the love of your life and they’re positive.
Rebloging this to add a little more info because it’s very important:
Antiretroviral therapy when used correctly can cause the user’s “viral load” (your viral load is how much of the virus is in your bloodstream), to drop because the medicine prevents HIV from creating copies of itself.
Regular blood tests are done to monitor your viral load, and after taking the medication long enough, it can drop so low that it becomes “durably undetectable”. This means that the HIV virus in you has become so miniscule that it can’t be detected, and by extension can’t be transmitted either. It’s important to note that in order to be considered durable undetectable, you MUST test as undetectable for at least 6 months after testing as undetectable for the first time.
Also very important, being durably undetectable does NOT mean that you’re cured or that the virus is gone, not by a longshot. The HIV virus is still very much there, but instead of being active, it’s gone dormant in a small number of cells called “viral reservoirs”. This why it’s EXTREMELY important that even after achieving durably undetectable status, you continue to take your Antiretroviral medications correctly. Because if you stop, the HIV virus will reemerge from the viral reservoirs and pick up right where it left off in creating copies of itself, and you will have to start all over again if you want to become durably undetectable again.
Also! PEP and PrEP are two different things. PEP is for after you have been exposed, PrEP is for use prior. If you are having unprotected sex, think that you may sleep with a partner who is HIV positive, or are sharing needles PrEP is a good idea for you.
And anyone can go on PrEP regardless of being an AFAB or AMAB person.
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