DARTH VADER’S LAVA CASTLE OF BULLSHIT AND SADNESS IS THE FUNNIEST THING, A SUMMARY:
- He built Dramatic Bullshit Castle so that his meditation spot could LOOK OUT OVER THE SPOT WHERE OBI-WAN BROKE UP WITH HIM, the spot of where their duel ended:
IMAGINE BEING SUCH A LEVEL OF EXTRA THAT YOU BUILT AN ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE ON THE SPOT WHERE OBI-WAN KENOBI BROKE UP WITH YOU. SO THAT YOUR MEDITATION SPOT LOOKS OUT OVER THAT EXACT POINT AND YOU CAN BE MAD ABOUT IT FOREVER.
IMAGINE BEING ANAKIN FUCKING SKYWALKER WHO IS THAT FUCKING DRAMATIC BECAUSE HE IS.
- Dramatic Bullshit Castle had to be built NINE SEPARATE TIMES because it kept getting destroyed when they tried to activate it, each time with Anakin losing more and more of his patience and murdering people in his rage, JUST IMAGINE TELLING DARTH VADER, “No, no, I think we’ve definitely got the right ENTIRE CASTLE DESIGN right this time!”
AND YOU’RE ON ATTEMPT NINE. OF BUILDING UP AN ENTIRE CASTLE.
AND EVERY TIME YOU GET IT WRONG, HE MURDERS YOUR CURRENT HOST BODY IN RAGE.
ALSO LOOK AT THOSE DESIGNS. THEY ARE HIDEOUS. I LOVE THEM.
- There are not one but TWO ENTIRE CASTLES IN THE BASEMENT OF HIS DRAMATIC BULLSHIT CASTLE.
BULLSHIT CASTLE IN VADER’S BASEMENT #1:
So the brief summary of this is: Long ago, Mustafar was a beautiful green world and this Lady and Lord lived there, but he died and she couldn’t stand it, so she stole the heart of the planet, built a shrine to her ambitions to bring him back to life, but stealing the heart made the planet into a lifeless husk, and this has been lurking for untold number of years in Anakin’s basement, just chilling down there, waiting for him to find it to try to bring back his own dead wife. It goes as well as you’d expect.
LITERALLY ALL OF THE ABOVE IS TAKING PLACE IN ANAKIN’S BASEMENT.
BULLSHIT CASTLE IN VADER’S BASEMENT #2:
Brief summary: Anakin is trying to rip open the Force itself to go back in time and save Padme, so he builds his entire Dramatic Bullshit Castle like a giant tuning fork for the Force, including an entire shrine in the basement.
One of the funniest things is, when part of the ground gets ripped open because of all of this, you can see BULLSHIT CASTLE #1 IN VADER’S BASEMENT getting wrecked along with everything else.
All of this also goes about exactly as well as you’d expect it to go.
ANAKIN SKYWALKER: NOT CONTENT TO HAVE A BASEMENT SHRINE WHERE THE ENTIRE HEART OF THE PLANET WAS SUCKED AWAY, NO, HE ALSO HAS TO HAVE A SHRINE THAT IS GOING TO RIP OPEN THE FORCE ITSELF.
HE NEVER DOES THINGS BY HALVES, I’LL GIVE HIM THAT.
- There’s a magical seeing stone just chilling in a room by itself, which allows Vader to hear voices from the past and you can spy on him listening to Padme tell him she’s pregnant, while Hayden Christensen’s voice screams in agony because he does this WITHOUT HIS HELMET ON, JUST FOR THE DRAMA.
AND YES THAT IS ANAKIN SCREAMING IN RAGE AND DESTROYING THE ROOM BY HAVING A GIANT FUCKING TANTRUM AGAIN.
- He has this room where there’s pretty much nothing in it except a lightsaber on a pedestal that’s meant to be bait to lure in Force-sensitives of a specific bloodline. Because, sure, why not.
And, I mean, it doesn’t not look like SOMEONE FAMILIAR’S LIGHTSABER:
(Obi-Wan Kenobi’s second and third lightsabers.)
- THERE IS A ROOM THAT IS DEFINITELY NOT A WEIRD SEX DUNGEON HOW DARE YOU THINK SO.
THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING ABOUT THIS THAT WOULD LEAD TO STRANGE THOUGHTS, IT’S TOTALLY NORMAL TO HAVE A SPECIAL ROOM IN YOUR BULLSHIT LAVA CASTLE WHERE YOU STRAP PEOPLE DOWN OR HOLD THEM IN CAGES.
THE POOR LADY WHO HAD TO DESIGN THIS THOUGH:
SHE HAD TO ASK DARTH VADER IF HE WANTED A WEIRD SEX DUNGEON.
SHE HAD TO LOOK AT THE LIST OF DEMANDS FOR THAT ROOM AND THINK ABOUT WHAT DARTH VADER GOT UP TO IN HIS FREE TIME.
THAT POOR LADY DESERVED A MEDAL.
ANYWAY, LAVA CASTLE OF BULLSHIT AND SADNESS IS MORE AND MORE HILARIOUS WITH EVERYTHING WE LEARN ABOUT IT.
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