The Mad Ramblings of a Broken Dreamer

I write complicated and twisted stories so Enjoy or runaway, tis your choice

[skylerjaye]

What should the goal be?

People in my life often wonder and ask me, why I don’t share my plans for life/dreams/goals. Simple answer, because when I do you either tell me I’m stupid or make that face that says “oh! Sure! You’re really going to do that.”

No support unless it’s what you want me to do.

Do I know for sure that this is what I want to do long term? No. At the same time I do t know what I want from my life anymore... For so long I didn’t even believe I’d live this long. I used to want the picture perfect, American dream; Little house with the white picket fence, a dog, cat, two children and just enough land to have a small farm I work with my husband. Now? I dunno. I’m not even sure I wanted that or if that is what I was told I should want.

I feel like I’m drifting, with no real purpose then to go to work and make money to survive so I can go to work and make money to keep surviving. If this is all my life is worth then what’s the point of continuing?

I want and crave for some kind of purpose other than just getting up and going to work. I want to have the energy and time to go on adventures and travel to new worlds. I don’t want to be tied down to a state, a city, a town, a place, a job.

[skylerjaye]

I’m in a strange place... I crave companionship but I don’t want the romantic side of that. It actually freaks me out to think about someone cuddling me and trying to help care for me... It’s hard to explain.

I think I’m craving physical companionship. I just don’t like the idea of trusting someone enough to let them in my life. The idea of someone being nice to me, saying sweet things or checking in on me just bugs me.

Does this make sense? I feel like I’m not explaining myself correctly.

I miss sleeping beside someone... I miss being hugged... I miss being kissed.

Just don’t say you love me. Don’t say I’m beautiful. Don’t ask me how I’m doing and if there’s anything you can do for me. Don’t tell me I’m cute when I’m sleeping. Don’t push my hair from my face and kiss my cheek or forehead. Don’t buy me little gifts because they “made me think of you.”

Just be here physically. I don’t even care how physical. Platonic, sexual, tie me up and torture me... I don’t care. I need some form of physical companionship, just don’t “fall in love” with me. That’s my hard limit.

[skylerjaye]

I did this thing...

I got up the courage to ask a guy if he wanted to hangout, watch some movies and drink whiskey. He said no. He said that he was more interested in playing tennis by himself than to hang out with me. That’s how uninteresting I am... How unattractive I am... No one finds or will ever find me desirable...

I’m just gonna go over there and sit in the corner until I die alone.

[justventingsorry]

(@/taylorndean on twitter)

[skylerjaye]

Out of all your children

Out of all your children I am the most worthless. I am quite suicidal, depressed, stupid, broke, lazy and talentless. You’d be so much better off if I was dead... And I’m just to weak to do anything to fix that... I’m just too stupid and useless... I’m sorry you’re stuck with a dud... I’m sorry you’re stuck with me... I’m sorry I can’t free us both of my existence....

I’m sorry...

[anxietyproblem]

[fleshcrypt]

Signal boost the h e c c out of this. I always forget the differences and its occurring to me that ive been having an anxiety attack for about a week now

[kitchenwitchupinthisbitch]

I didn’t know they were different! All these years I thought they were interchangeable.

[dnd-apothecary]

As someone who has panic attacks (which can definitely be triggered by prolonged anxiety attacks) and my panic attack response is to pass out, this is important to share!

[dspressed]

Me: You’ll stop talking to me soon

Person: No never

Person:

Me: haha wack

[skylerjaye]

Yeah... It happens all the time.

[labors]

just got L.A.I.D

Launched Into A Depressive spiral

[skylerjaye]

Failure

If you look at the word failure in the dictionary there would be a picture of my ugly face right next to the word and the definition.

Lately I don’t have the energy or motivation to even function as a human... Cleaning out the litter box, doing the laundry, showering, even just waking up is exhausting... It’s beyond pathetic...

I look around at the filth and disarray and I know I need to clean it up and fix it but here I sit... Doing jack dittily. I am a complete useless failure of a human being.

Bipolar disorder, manic depressive, obsessive tendencies, anxiety, low self esteem and a strong desire to start self harming again...

I hate being me... I hate it inside my own head...

[skylerjaye]

[skylerjaye]

I'm worth more dead than alive

If I died now, today, how long would it be until I was forgotten? And how would anyone even learn I was gone? I only found out my best friend was dead because I was friends on FB with his sister... No one I know has any connection to my family so if I died, how would anyone know?

I'm worth about $50k dead by accident... That would pay off all my debts and should cover my body being disposed of. Or, if my family was smart and wanted to save money they could just "not" claim my body at the morgue and let the state pay for my body to be burned and the ashes disposed of.

Have you ever just sat back and really thought about your own death? Clearly I have. It's slowly become like my mantra... I am worth more dead than alive. Everyone could/would benefit from my death.

And really... What would they be losing? Not a whole hell of a lot to be honest. A driver, a daughter, a sister, a burnden, a disappointment, a failure..?

Not much use to anyone alive. But maybe if I were dead... Maybe than I could do some form of good...

So now I am faced with the question, what is classified as an accident? If I were to drive into a highway guardrail at a high speed, would that count? If I took a medication I was allergic to and no one was around to help as my throat closed up on its self, would that count? If I tried to help someone on the side of the road and fell onto the road and was hit by a car, would that count? If I were to get shot, would that count? What is classified as an accident? How is it determined to be an accident?

All I want, is what is best for my loved ones. And I believe that's me dead and buried. I am worth more dead than alive. I am worth More dead than alive. I am worth More Dead than alive...

[boys-and-suicide-deactivated201]

Please

[skylerjaye]

[illinicoise]

“But if you forget to reblog Madame Zeroni, you and your family will be cursed for always and eternity.”

[spn-fandom-breathing-heavily]

not even risking that shit

[codyslipring-deactivated2015060]

scrolled past this, re-evaluated my life, then SCROOOLLLED back up and hit the damn reblog button. 

[isamaegreenleaf]

Last comment same thing. Sorry to the next person who sees this. I just can’t risk it. I have things I need to do before my life becomes hell. Lol

[nnfirnid]

man i fucking hate yall who tf put this up knowing damn well we all gonna reblog it im heated im really sick af bout this 

[modelinterrupted]

I don’t play that shit lol sorry

[latenightsugar]

WHyyyy

[badgyal-k-deactivated20190901]

Sorry everyone

[just-jay25]

If only if only the woodpecker sighs the bark on the tree was as soft as the sky why the wolf waits below hungry and lonely he cries to the moon if only if only

[kixgbear]

Shiddd

[angiebkxo-deactivated20180626]

this post followed me to Facebook and im sooo annoyed!

[manynamedshe]

It’s been a MINUTE since I’ve seen Madame Zeroni, fr fr

[glamhoeour-deactivated20251207]

I HATE TUMBLR FKKKK SAKES

LMAOOOO

[venusians]

Not tryna fuck up any of my planetary Returns~

[andro-djinni-of-the-lamp]

I reblogged this yesterday but idc, I ain’t playing games with Madame Zeroni or Mama Kitt

[chocolatefantasy13-deactivated2]

😂😂

[honeybeeluck-deactivated2018101]

Madame Zeroni ain’t for play play

[imjustjason]

Fuck it, hope she bless me

[30thchamber-deactivated20190424]

But what if a nigga don’t reblog this and they great great great grand kid finds a treasure chest?🤔

[writefroot-deactivated20181124]

What year did this start? I’m always feels my like I have to reboot this

[urwarriorangel]

aw come ON

[linaofthemyscira]

i hate this

[dc-hoe-deactivated20200621]

I will always reblog when I see this on my dash. Sorry not sorry.

[fragileflowerinthewind]

I watched the movie, and I’m not having that shit happen to me…. just saying

[skylerjaye]

I loved this book, the movie was well done as well... I sometimes sing the song to myself as a sweet little lullaby;

"If only, if only, the woodpecker sighs; The bark on the tree was as soft as the sky!

While the wolf waits below, hungry and lonely he cries to the moon; If only, if only"

[sorryimessedupagain]

I spent three weeks in a mental hospital and what I discovered there I feel like should be put into words.

we are not who you think we are.

the boy with turrets told the funniest jokes

the girl who raked her nails up and down her skin could create the most exquisite drawings

the girl who abused drugs had the wisest soul

the boy with schizophrenia had the biggest heart

the girl who tried to kill herself told the boy with insomnia stories to help lure him to sleep

the boy who wanted to kill himself had the deepest passion for cooking

the girl with slits and scars all over her body dried my tears and told me I was beautiful

the boy with anger issues gave the warmest hugs

the girl with bulimia told everyone every day that they looked beautiful in their bodies

the boy who was a compulsive liar told us that he wanted us all to get better, and that he was for once telling the truth

the girl who almost drank herself to death stood up for anyone that felt they were feeling bullied

the boy with social anxiety made sure nobody sat alone at meals

we are not who you think we are.

[maddisonkennedy-deactivated2017]

*slams reblog button*

[brattyfemmeartrmis-blog]

This is so important! When I was at the mental hospital I met some amazing people. Every day we laughed together, smiled, lifted each other up no matter what and encouraged each other.

We are not who you think we are. We are some of the strongest, bravest, most loving, creative people you will ever meet.

[please-make-it-stop-please]

Same! Was in a mental hospital too and ppl are amazing.

[skylerjaye]

I never stayed in a mental hospital, but I have worked with guys in rehab and they were some of the most amazing and kind hearted people I've ever met or had the honor of knowing.

[flowerais-deactivated20211031]

Depression loses when:

you get out of bed because there’s something you’re excited about.

you don’t think about people who left.

you clean the clutter in the room and dishes in your sink.

you work out or meet with friends even though you have no energy to.

you can calm yourself down when you’re thoughts race.

you remember to drink water.

you don’t dwell on things you can’t control.

you do things good for yourself, even though you have no motivation.

you tell yourself that you’re growing from this, and you won’t feel like this forever.

[depresslife22]

I don’t want to feel anything