I need you to drink a bunch of coffee on and empty stomach and get really into the idea of gardening okay. I need you to love it. Spend hours scrolling pinterest looking at beautiful gardens. Keep scrolling. Internalize their shapes, ponder their -yeah keep drinking coffee. No it's important that you not eat for this- anyway, need you to conceptualize the idea of gardening as virtuous. Yeah. Yeah I made a breakfast sandwich, you don't need to worry about that right now. You want to garden now right? You want to buy a bunch of seeds and dirt and shit, maybe some cute overalls to wear while you garden? Perfect. Buy all that shit. Yeah- yeah right now. Buy all that shit on Amazon right now I'll wait.
Okay good. Now go outside and try to garden. I need you to become rapidly disillusioned with it. Like you just don't find it enjoyable at all. The sun is too hot, or it's too cold, It takes consistency you don't really have time for, you're hungry, you don't have time to shower and make it to work, you --yeah I know gardening is hard and it's hard to do it. That needs to be your main takeaway! A sense of a nonspecific wound-- oh shit sorry, yeah I'll cover my mouth when I cough where are the fucking napkins.
Like, there's tension between the image and the praxis right? Like you just don't fuck with it that much. Yeah the sandwich is fried spam, an egg, slice of pepper jack, some pickle remoulade. Yeah the Ukrainian bakery around the corner sells ciabatta fresh every day its- actually it's not important. I need you to feel really bad that you don't like gardening, and I need you to cope with this feeling by valorizing the idea of gardening even more. Like now you see yourself as an unworthy knight who failed to live up to the expectations of your pure and righteous lady. Yeah. The modern world is an evil place preventing you from self-actualization through gardening. Don't worry about how. It is, isn't it? Like that's true, right? Yeah --okay yeah more coffee-- just like, if anyone asks you why you don't garden very much, *that's* when you get intellectual about it. Practice coming up with reasons why it's hard to garden. That shouldn't be too difficult. The clothes you bought are really cute aren't they? You should like, wear them and take selfies in them. People will love it. They'll love you.
