jelly

just a place where i can dump my thoughts

[skywithjellyfish]

Club night

My eyes drift back to him.

He's on the other side of the room, surrounded by friends, just as I am. But whenever I look over, our eyes meet. A faint smile plays at the corners of his lips.

It feels as though that smile is meant for me.

The next time our eyes meet, I tell my three friends that I need to go somewhere for a moment and that I'll be right back.

The moment I walk away from them, he waves goodbye to his friends as well, which I catch with a quick glance over my shoulder. Only after seeing that do I find the confidence to make my way to a quieter, more secluded corner.

A moment later, he appears in front of me.

Slightly taller than me. A crooked smile that shows off his perfect teeth. His eyes still searching for mine, as though they were a treasure he desperately needed to find.

Silence settles between us as I try to figure out why I even came over here.

Now that he's standing in front of me, a strange shyness washes over me.

"Hi."

My voice is steady, and I lean casually against the wall behind me, creating a little distance between us.

Slowly, he holds out his hand invitingly. Hesitantly, I place my left hand in his, my palm facing upward.

H-E-L-L-O.

He takes his time with every single letter, and by the time he's finished, my entire hand is tingling with feelings I can't quite make sense of.

Around us, the music is still loud, even though the people in this part of the club are dancing less and mostly standing around talking among themselves.

His smile wavers slightly when I don't react right away.

That, in turn, makes me smile.

His uncertainty gives me confidence.

I don't really have anything to say, so I spread the same hand he had just been holding and place it right in the middle of his chest.

If I concentrate, I can feel his heartbeat beneath my fingertips.

Slowly, I lean closer to him, waiting for his reaction.

He stays perfectly still, silently allowing me to do what I'm about to do.

At first, I gently press my lips against his.

They're soft and full. For a brief moment, it's nothing more than our lips resting together.

Then one of us parts our lips.

I can't even remember which one of us it was.

His hands slide across my back, coming to rest just above my hips.

Warmly, I feel the pressure of his fingers against my body.

That was what I needed.

That's why I came here.

Little by little, my body relaxes. His seems to as well, because his hands drift just a little lower.

Gently, he pulls me against him, and my hands that had been wrapped around his neck bury themselves in his hair.

When I tug lightly on it, he lets out a quiet moan against my lips, and my knees go weak.

"There you are!"

Completely ignoring the situation, my best friend rushes around the corner and grabs me by the arm.

Before I can do much of anything, I'm pulled away.

For a brief moment, it seems as though he doesn't want to let go. His hands linger on me for just a second longer.

Desperately, I turn around one last time and see him making the "Call me" gesture, the one where you make a fist, holding your thumb and pinky finger out beside your ear.

Confused, I shake my head.

And then I'm pulled away again.

"We were so worried! You were gone forever! And besides, didn't you say you were done making out with random guys?"

I tune my friend out because, now that I'm walking, I can feel a small piece of paper in my back pocket. Carefully i pull it out.

His number.

[skywithjellyfish]

i remembered how when i was small my older cousin would blow smoke rings for me, so that i could try n wear them as bracelets.

[skywithjellyfish]

Habbits i dont tell people about:

1. When i cant breathe, i smoke

2. When im supressing tears, i chew on the inner side of my lips till they feel rawr

3. I fall for people who need love, not people that can love me. If they fall for me i panic

[skywithjellyfish]

Games

Carefully, she presses him down onto the floor so that he kneels. His eyes are covered with a strip of black cloth. His hands are tied behind his back as well. She had deliberately made the knot very loose. If he wanted to, he could free his hands easily. But he didn’t want to.

She smiles and walks around him in slow steps. Her feet make hardly any sound on the carpet. Beneath his knees is a blanket to cushion them. This wasn’t about hurting him. Not yet. For now, it was simply about seeing how obedient he could be.

His hair looks soft, and without really thinking about it, she notices her hand beginning to lift. She stops herself just in time. Everything had its time. She liked how relaxed he looked. How calm he seemed. Inevitably, she wondered what it would take to make that calmness disappear.

Shaking her head at herself, she moves to the door and opens it, only to close it again a moment later. Leaning beside it with her back against the wall, she watches his reaction.

When he hears the sound, he tilts his head slightly as if listening—but he doesn’t turn toward it. She doesn’t take her eyes off him. Apart from that, there is no further reaction. Even after ten minutes, he doesn’t move beyond that initial tilt of his head.

With each passing minute, her smile grows. No instructions, and yet he knows exactly what he is supposed to do. Something like pride blooms in her chest. As she watches him, she notices that while his face is completely relaxed, his shoulders remain tense.

She opens the door again and closes it once more. With every step she takes toward him, his shoulders loosen further. She stops in front of him and finally allows herself to touch him. Carefully, she begins to stroke his hair, and he leans slightly into the gesture. Is he even aware that he’s doing that?

“Can you free your hands and give me your left one?”

Just to make sure he really could have freed himself.

He hesitates briefly. Maybe he wonders if it’s a trap? Then he frees both hands without difficulty. Satisfaction spreads through her. So he really had figured out what she wanted on his own. Clever. He had always been very clever.

Now he raises his left hand and feels cautiously through the air, his right still behind his back. She watches, slightly amused. Then he stops, his hand outstretched.

“Please?”

Her heart skips a beat. She gives him her hand. He had passed the second test as well—asking for something he wanted.

His grip in her hand is warm, dry, and firm. Lightly, she drags her thumbnail across the back of his hand, and immediately a red line blossoms on his pale skin. His grip doesn’t change. No reaction to her gesture.

With her free hand, she pulls the blindfold from his eyes so that it falls around his neck. He blinks briefly at the sudden light. Then she sees his eyes—bright and alert. There is excitement in them, and perhaps even anticipation.

“Well done.”

Praise should be given where it is deserved. And of course, he had done everything exactly as she wanted. Even here, he was an overachiever. He deserved a reward.

Her left hand is still in his, but with her right she turns the knot at his neck so that it now faces her. She had tied it in a way that allowed her to tighten or loosen it easily.

Looking into his eyes, she pulls the knot tighter and tighter. His grip around her hand grows firmer, yet he neither looks away nor lets go. She has to smile—and he, too, seems unable to stop a small twitch at the corner of his mouth.

What a dangerous game the two of them are playing.

[skywithjellyfish]

I watch him. It’s rare that I get the chance to observe him like this. Normally, he’s the one watching me, his eyes sharp and focused.

Now his face is relaxed, and there’s a smile tugging at the corners of his mouth that he apparently can’t suppress. I can’t get enough of watching him. He’s so beautiful. Not beautiful as in conventionally good-looking—though he is that too—but beautiful to me, because I love him.

“Hellooooo.”

I can hear his laughter inside the word.

“You’re heeere.”

I bite the inside of my lower lip to stop myself from smiling.

“You told me to come.”

“Thank you,” he chuckles.

He says thank you with such honesty, for something that is completely natural to me. I can feel my heart being claimed by him even more.

It’s dark around us. We’re in the park near our neighborhood. As children, we used to play here often. He was sitting on the swing when I arrived. It looked funny—this grown man sitting on a tiny children’s swing.

His long legs dangled, moving him slightly back and forth; too tall to actually swing. For a good ten minutes I just watched him from a distance, his back turned to me, his head tilted toward the sky.

Probably trying to find constellations. Then he finally noticed me.

I sit down on the swing next to him.

“It’s 3 am, idiot. Why are you still awake?”

He pretends to be offended and gives me a slight pout. If I could, I’d take a picture.

“I’m not an idiot.”

I try to match the rhythm of his legs.

“True. So, why are you still awake?”

It’s a slow pace. Easy to match.

“Hmmm. Why…”

Out of the corner of my eye, I’m still watching him. Sneaking glances. He’s drunk. That’s why he’s acting the way he is. I look away. It almost hurts how beautiful I find him.

“Because I wanted to see you!”

For a second, my eyelashes flutter and I allow my eyes to close. Because he wanted to see me.

I laugh and hit him lightly on the shoulder.

“Since when do you know how to act sweet?”

Suddenly he’s standing in front of me, his fingertips touching my cheek.

“Since now?”

My heart skips three beats. Time stops completely. Warmth creeps up my cheeks. For a moment I see myself the way he must be seeing me right now: wide open eyes, my mouth slightly parted as if I’m about to speak but forgot what I wanted to say, my cheek warm beneath his touch.

Inside, everything tightens. I force myself to pull my head back and lean as far as I can into the swing. His fingers slip from my cheek, his hand dropping limply at his side.

My eyes find the Big Dipper in the sky. Orion’s Belt. Orion himself.

“The stars are especially beautiful tonight.”

He sits down again. His eyes sharp and focused once more. Bitterness rises in my chest. Of course.

“They really are,” he says, and much of the earlier cheerfulness has left his voice.

My eyes meet his. We both know better.

He knows I love him.

And I know he will never see me as anything more than a friend.

We swing in silence for a while. Both of us looking up at the stars.

He stands and offers me his hand.

“Come on. Let’s go, it’s getting cold.”

A peace offering. We will both continue pretending we don’t know the truth.

My gaze drifts back to the stars once more. I make a wish before I can stop myself. Then I smile at him and take his hand.

[writtenbyhazel]

If you ever let me go, where will I go then?

[skywithjellyfish]

home to cry in my bed

[skywithjellyfish]

Cat

She was more affectionate than usual today. I glance down at her hair. A warm shade of brown. In the right light, it’s almost golden. Our room at night didn’t have the right light. I had been dozing off when she lay down beside me and firmly placed my arms around her.

Now she’s lying with her back against my chest, watching TikToks. The light is too bright for me to keep dozing. Every now and then she giggles or snuggles even closer, but other than that, I’m just being used as a pillow. If only I could fall back asleep...

Sleepy, I bury my face in her hair and breathe in deeply. Every time I shower, I tell myself I’ll check her shampoo to find out exactly what she smells like, and every time I forget again. It’s something floral. Lightly sweet.

Her murmur pulls me out of my thoughts.

“Mm?”

I have to clear my throat, since the long silence after waking has left my voice rough.

She turns to face me, her phone forgotten at the edge of the bed, the only source of light, frozen on some video. In the half-darkness I can just make out her features. That’s enough to make me smile. Beautiful. Her lips curve into a smile too.

“Do you love me?”

Suppressing a laugh, I shake my head. So we’re playing that game.

“Very much.”

There’s a mischievous sparkle in her eyes.

“How much?”

“More than the sun.”

The sparkle grows stronger.

“More than the moon?”

“Even more.”

“More than every single star that exists?”

“Of course.”

She laughs and presses against my chest, and I wrap my arms tightly around her. “More than every star that exists”—that meant so much. It carried such weight. More than any other possible choice. More than the glittering night sky. More than any wish I could make.

“I love you.”

I whisper into her ear and watch as she shifts slightly in embarrassment. No matter how many times I say it, she always reacts a little awkwardly. Gently, she pushes me back just enough to look at me. Her eyes search for mine.

“I love you too.”

Warm shivers rush through my body. I, on the other hand, never stop getting butterflies, no matter how many times she says it. She’s perfect. I press a kiss onto her crown, her temple, her cheek, the corner of her mouth, then finally her lips.

As soon as I pull away, she nestles firmly against me. Quietly, I press the power button on her phone, trying to be discreet. The sudden darkness betrays me, though.

She doesn’t react. Somewhat relieved, I let out a sigh. I would have hated to make her get up to put it away, and it seems she feels the same right now.

“Good night, darling.”

“Good night, dear.”