It has been over 12 years since I last passed you in hallway at school, almost 14 years since you hurt me and only moments since you made me hate myself. In 2003, you were my boyfriend's best friend, you also happened to be my ex-boyfriend - in fact you introduced us; you said you thought we'd be great together. I was dating him that summer, the summer you were my lab partner in science class - you know, summer of 2003...The year of "Right Thur" by Chingy and "Bring Me To Life" by Evanescense. It was supposed to be my best summer yet, full of concerts and fun. I was junior year of high school bound... But that ended before it even began... I remember we were working on our forensic's homework - the best science classes were in the summer - and my mom called to let me know she was on her way home. She mentioned picking up lunch for us and that she'd call when she was closer; I hung-up with her and we went back to studying. I was sitting at our dining room table in light-colored jean shorts, pink tank top and flip flops. My hair was in a loose bun and I still had my sunglasses on top of my head. We were cracking up making plans for the night, when you started to scoot closer to me. I didn't think much of it, and kept talking - aware but not defensive - then you tried to kiss me. I was caught off guard and laughed, I wanted it to be a joke. I was dating your best friend - who tried to kiss their best friend's girl? I pulled away and you grabbed my chair. I kept my cool, said something about "don't be weird" and stood up. I don't know how you did it. How you got behind me so quickly and turned me towards you as I went to walk away. You're skinny, but muscular - it's deceiving. You hands are on my arms, holding me in place. I pull away, a little afraid, but unwavering. I tell you to "get fucked." You pull me in and kiss me, I shove you but you stand your ground. In a moment I'm on my back, pinned to the floor, you're holding me down. I start to kick my legs as I try to sit up - you're too strong. I'm stuck and it happens. In a matter of moments you've taken away my happy. A few days later when I try to tell everything to my boyfriend, you take him too because "his best friend wouldn't do that" - you were already here, covering you bases. I'm hurt and alone. I carry this shame and I make stupid choices, I risk my life and health to try to stop the hurt. It never stops, I just bury it and try to go on with my life. I join the military, make new friends and fall in love. Life isn't perfect, but it's mine and I live it to the best of my ability. Tonight. I saw you. I was watching this cute couple at the bar, drinking beers and flirting on their first date - they looked so happy. My husband started to pay the bill when I looked up and saw you starring at me across the bar - my heart dropped. I've always wondered what would happen the day I'd see you. Would I walk up to you and tell you to fuck off? If you were with a woman, would I warn her? Would I make a scene and say how much I hate you? I don't know what I thought I'd do, but I know what I did. I gathered my things, packed our leftovers and walked out of that bar as fast as I could. I held my head high, but prayed you wouldn't notice the pain I still carry. The guilt of not being able to stop you, the embarrassment of being raped and the fear of being hurt again. I've been very honest with my husband about my past, the good and the bad. He knows about you. He knows what you did and sometimes he deals with the moments I'm overcome with emotion about it. All these years later, you still haunt me. I've always wondered what I'd say to you, but I never thought about what I'd say to my future self, so here it is... "One day you'll be out with a wonderful man and you'll see him. You'll see him across a bar and your skin will turn icy and you'll want to escape. You'll pay your tab, grab your keys and walk towards the door with your husband. You'll want to drop your eyes to the ground - don't. You'll hold your head high and act like you don't care, but you will. Your husband will tease you as he follows you, asking why the rush, but you won't answer until you're in your car, then it'll hit you. You'll cry. Your eyes will fill with tears as you whimper his name, "xxxxx" and he will know. He will grab your hand tight and tell you he loves you. He will let you cry, right there in the car without judgment and he will stay quiet until you're ready to talk. You'll shift the car into drive and simply whisper "I'm sorry" and he'll shush you. He will brush the hair out of your face and tell you he loves you, he will also tell you to never apologize. He will hold your hand the entire way and when your tears stop, he will ask you if you want to turn around and he'll kick the shit out of him. You will know he's trying to make you smile, but you'll also know he's serious. He will remind you that you'll never be hurt again and that he will keep you safe. You'll know he means it because after all the years, he always had your back. When you get home, you'll play with you dogs, in the home you share together, and you'll know you're safe. You'll know that despite those bad things, you've found your happiness and you'll know what love is." Today I am stronger than my past - I am defiant of the shame you forced upon me. I am living my happiness and you can't hurt me anymore.
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