You only know the person I let the world see. I have a number of TV show infatuations; Revenge, Bones, Castle, Grey's Anatomy, Gilmore Girls, Rizzoli and Isles, Switched at Birth, The Fosters, The X-files, Orphan Black, Criminal Minds (before Prentiss left), and so many others that I am unfortunately forgetting atm.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Before heading to the park to meet Emily and Grace, as Aaron promised, the Hotchner men made a pit stop at the cemetery Haley was buried in. Aaron knew Jack had been itching to visit his mother's grave, since they had first gone into WITSEC on the run from Scratch.
Jack cries when he sees the fresh flowers already there, immediately knowing Emily and Grace had probably placed them there for his mom. He touched the new golden angel medallion that also now adorned her headstone. He could see the extra care and attention bestowed to his mother's final resting place. While many of the others were overrun with weeds, ivy, and moss, his mom's look pristine in comparison.
Jack crouched down to trail his fingers across the name and date, forever etched in stone. His heart melted as he noticed the colourful crayon drawing, resting underneath the beautiful bouquet. He knew Jessica had been telling the truth about Emily and Grace visiting his mother's grave each week. But seeing the tangible proof was everything.
This kind gesture, renewed his hope that his father was right telling him there was nothing to be nervous about. Emily had made sure his mom wasn't forgotten, just as she had always promised him when he was younger. It did however add to his guilt for ever doubting Emily's love for him and his father, for thinking she could have ever been cruel enough to betray either of them in any way.
He glanced up, noticing his father also subtly wiping away the tears he tried to hide. He knew his dad was just as touched by the care and attention Emily put into keeping his mother's memory alive, even in their absence. Jack knew that his father felt bad it had been over 5 years since either of them had last visited his mother's grave. But the older man's tears were in repentance for the sins he felt superseded that one alone.
Jack silently whispered a prayer to his mom, hoping she could somehow help his father and Emily patch things up. Because he knew his mom may have been his dad's first love, but Emily was his father's last , forever, and truest love. Seeing the whole situation was murky at best, his dad needed all the help and good will he could get.
On the way out of the cemetery Jack asked his father if they had time to make another quick stop before heading over to the park. He didn't want to show up empty handed to meet his little sister. He wouldn't give it to her immediately, not wanting Emily to think he was trying to buy their affection. But he wanted some tangible item to give his little sister to commemorate this day, and maybe help him alleviate or absolve some of his own guilt that lingered.
Jack also wanted to give Emily a gift as well, but he knew she would appreciate the gesture more if he made something that has sentimental value. He had the perfect idea of what to give her too, he just wanted to wait until his nerves settled and he had a chance to reconnect with her first. Jack knew Emily would never expect a gift for herself regardless, and deem it unnecessary, as if she didn't deserve to be shown an ounce of the love she gave others.
But Jack knew she did, and he would do something special for her, once he had time to wrap his head around everything, and allow his heart and nerves to settle. Jack had wanted a younger sibling far longer than he could fully recall, he hated knowing how much time he missed with his baby sister. But Jack knew if he voiced his concern Emily would advise him not to dwell on the past and accept the things he couldn't change. So he endeavoured to do just that.
When they arrived at the park, the Hotchner males could see Emily kneeling on a checkered red and white blanket, unpacking things from a basket. Grace could be seen excitedly running circles around her mother. She noticed them first, clueing Emily into their arrival. "Mommy look they're here they are really here. That's my daddy and my brother, they finally came to see me."
Jack couldn't stop the smile erupting on his face, hearing his little sister's obvious piercing squeal of excitement already helping to quell the butterflies in his stomach. He wanted to chuckle as it very much reminded him of his Aunt Penelope's exuberance. As they got closer Jack could hear Emily attempting to calm down the hyper 4 year old.
"I know baby it's exciting, I am so happy for you Gracie. Come sit monkey, they will be right over to meet you." Emily patted the spot beside her needing to feel her daughter close by, not entirely ready for the emotional renunion that was merely seconds away from happening.
Emily knew the polite thing to do would be to stand to greet the Hotchner boys, but she feared her legs wouldn't support her, and wasn't sure she wanted to risk the humiliation. The closer they got, the faster her heart beat, the queasiness in her stomach rising. Emily hoped it would settle soon, knowing at least one of the three Hotchners in her presence would make note or give her grief, if she didn't try to eat something.
Jack and Aaron watched as if a switch was flipped as the rambunctious little girl in the blink of an eye turned shy, settling herself instead into her mother's lap. Clinging to the older woman's neck, clearly beyond comfortable and at home in the safety of Emily's loving embrace. One that both Hotchner men themselves, distinctly remembered had always brought them nothing but peace and comfort as well.
Emily felt like her heart was going to explode, the thumping readying itself to beat out of her chest. Her mind running rampant with a million and one ways this scene could play out. The moment she officially introduced Aaron to his daughter and Jack to his little sister. She had waited, wanting this to happen for so long. Now that the time had come, Emily was a loss for words.
Jack is the first one seemingly brave enough to break the silence. "Hey Emily" was all he managed to get out, even though there was a million other things he wanted to say. But even those two words seemed enough, he heard the wheeze of sob break through Emily's lips, an onslaught of tears following it.
Grace, confused by her mother's tears, protectively launches her body more forcefully into hugging her mother, not entirely sure what they had done to hurt her. She immediately squawks out "Don't be mean to my mommy" confused by her mother's uncharacteristic outburst of tears, unable to remotely understand the full situation at hand.
Grace couldn't stop herself from clutching her mother even tighter, burrowing her face into the warmth of her neck, immediately feeling safer and at ease, even more so when her mother returns the embrace, rubbing her back for more comfort.
Emily wanted to chuckle at her daughter's antics, Grace's adorable need to protect and defend her. Her sweet, sensitive, affectionate little girl. She knew Grace was feeding off her nerves, and that she had misread the bittersweet tears that the nostalgic memories of both seeing and hearing Jack again in the flesh caused.
But, Emily knew Grace hadn't been able to understand the reason, to her, Aaron and Jack were just causing her mother's tears once more. And she felt it was her job to fiercely defend the woman who was her whole world. Suddenly unsure why she ever wanted to meet her brother or father, Grace only knew she wanted her mom all to herself.
Yet, Emily knew she needed to smooth things over before Grace got the wrong idea and became wary of her father and brother. She lowered her voice slight above the decibel of a whisper, knowing Jack and Aaron could still hear her. "Hey baby, it's ok. I promise, I just missed your brother Jack so much. These aren't sad tears monkey, they're happy ones because him and your daddy are back home with us, where they belong."
She could tell her daughter still was hesitant, more so when the adorable features on the little girl's face transformed with the infamous Hotchner brow furrow, along with her own patented lip bite. Emily knew Grace didn't fully understand what she was being told, so she put it in terms the little girl might comprehend. "Monkey, it's like when you lost you Mocha, and you were so sad until Nonno searched high and low and found it, remember. You were so happy to have your favourite stuffy back, it's like that baby, mommy just missed your daddy and big brother, so much, they are happy tears honey."
Emily could feel her little girl listening, tentatively relasjng her grip, she slowly eased Grace back, planting kisses on her little girl's face as she wiped away her daughter's emotional tears that had appeared in her defence."I promise I'm not sad sweet girl, I'm so excited they've come to visit us sweetheart. Now baby we should invite our boys to come sit with us, I bet they are both worried now".
Emily looked up, seeing the emotions clouding both Hotchner males' faces, yet Aaron definitely looked closer to tears than his son. Emily tried to convey that they were allowed to approach, yet she could see how startled and nervous both boys were. Grace wasn't much better, obviously intimidated by both their statutes and presence alone.
Emily knew she needed to make the next move to help settle everyone's nerves after her emotional outburst. She somehow managed to stand with Grace still clinging to her like a monkey, knowing she needed to approach them. She slowly made her way over reassuredly rubbing more circles over Grace's back.
As she got closer, Emily could barely believe how much taller and older Jack was upon closer inspection. In her mind he was still the same sweet little 8 year old boy she'd last seen. But the preteen infront of her looked so much more mature and even more like his father than ever before.
Emily carefully pried Grace off of her, loosening her daughter's grip to settle her on her hip, knowing her monkey would have a meltdown if she let go now. "Hey Gracie baby, mommy is right here, I'm not going to let go. How about we say hi to your brother and father and then we can eat lunch and talk and play after. If you want mommy will even go on the swings with you and I bet you can convince Jack to go down all the slides too. Even the big ones, and if you ask him nicely he's really good on the monkey bars."
At the mention of her 3 favourite contraptions at the park, Grace settled more calmly into her mother's side. Emily readjusted her hold taking the last few steps to where the Hotchner boys were still silently standing. She smiled directing her gaze to both of them one at a time, seeing their nerves beginning to loosen as well.
"Ok baby this is your big brother Jack, can you wave to him for me." Aaron silently chuckled watching the familiar look of concentration and precious pout grace his daughter's face as she considered doing as her mother asked. There was no doubt in his mind she picked up that particular expression from her mother, who looked just as adorable making the same face.
Grace looked up at her mother, seeing nothing but warmth and a smile directed at her. Emily planted one more kiss on Grace's cheek and gave her another quick right squeeze of reassurance. The little girl quickly glanced at both boys watching her, taking one last look at her mother and seeing her nod in confirmation, before looking back at her brother.
Jack waited with bated breath not wanting to do anything that would startle his little sister. He couldn't get over how cute his baby sister is, or how much she clearly loved her mother. He couldn't stop the next words pouring out of his mouth "Grace looks so much like you Emily, it's like you cloned yourself."
Grace adored anytime someone told her she looked or acted like her mom. There was no one she wanted to be like more, Grace had always thought her mom was prettier than any princess from her movies. The little girl giggled and smiled wide at the compliment.
"Everyone says that Jack, but she's definitely got your father's frowny face, just wait until you see her grumpy at nap time, the resemblance is uncanny."
Gracie huffed and tried to defend herself wanting to make a good impression. "Mommy, I is not a grumpy goose, I is a big girl, I don't like nap time, unless I get to sleep with you mommy."
Jack and Aaron chuckled at Grace's antics and sassiness she obviously inherited from her mother. "I know Gracie girl, now how about we give Jack a high five, a hand shake, or a hug to say hi."
Emily didn't expect Jack to barrel into them for an embrace, so overwhelmed himself. She was about to say something to soothe the young man she so dearly missed when Grace spoke. "You don't hafta be sad Jack, mommy gives the best hugs. And we brought you cookies, she said there you fabourites, and I helpeded her make them. After we eat, we can go play, and feed the duckies if you want, that always cheers me up. Please don't be sad brother, mommy and I misseded you so much, her and Aunt Jessie tells me bedtime stories about you and daddy all the time."
Aaron could feel himself getting choked up, seeing his kids interact. Watching Emily's concern for Jack transform to emotions of pride at their daughters empathy and adorable attempts to cheer up the brother she seemed so worried about meeting moments before.
Jack sniffled pulling back, trying to hide the evidence of his tears. Yet Emily pulled him even tighter into her side, letting him hide his face in her shoulder. Jack could feel her kiss his cheek than his forehead, hugging him even closer whispering "Everything will be ok Jack Attack".
Jack felt instantly comforted by her words and embrace, just as he always had before everything fell apart. He wanted more than anything to believe she was right, knowing he couldn't handle losing her again. Emboldened by her actions and words, Jack released his death grip on her stepping back abit to kiss her cheek and whisper back "Thanks Emmy".
Emily responded a little louder "Anytime kiddo" proceeding to playfully ruffle his hair one handed in response, hoping to distract him. Knowing he had always hated crying in general, but even more so in public where anyone could see.
"Is we gonna tickle Jack now mommy, cause I wanna help, please mommy?" Emily responded by kissing Grace's cheek, replying "How about we go give your daddy a hug first, and then we can all eat, so here are no grumbling tummies for when we play after."
Aaron could feel his daughter's nerves revving up again as she sneakily glanced once more at him, clutching her mother even tighter in comfort. He knew how scary and imposing his stature could be, even to those who knew him well.
Aaron could sense both girls" nerves flairing up, knowing their emotions were just building, like his own. He took a step closer, waiting them out when he noticed Emily's protective stance emerge sensing his unauthorized approach.
While he expected her slow movements towards him, observing his reactions to her own. What he wasn't expecting was Emily to clutch onto him and bury he face into the crook of his neck. Yet he held on, refusing to let go, trying to soak in the moment.
He had never thought he would get to feel her in his arms again. And while he couldn't fully embrace her how he would have wanted, he wasn't going to take what he was getting for granted, especially knowing he might not get another chance to really be this close to her for awhile.
Aaron could feel the warm, silent, desperate tears escape from her eyes, slowly sliding, forming a trail down his neck. Knowing he needed to distract Grace before she noticed his presence was the source of her mother's discomfort, ruining what progress has been made.
Yet, when he glanced down at his daughter, he could see her peering shyly up at him. She cheekily half whispered half squealed a squeaky "Hi daddy" before throwing her arm around his neck and shoving her as close as possible to her mother's.
Emily chuckled immediately recognizing the familiar comforting warm breath of her daughter and her imperative need to be as close as possible when she was in same space. "Hey monkey, I love you Gracie girl." Her daughter immediately replying, "Hi mommy", hugging her tighter, smoothing Emily inbetween them.
Aaron was too stunned to speak, not expecting Grace to address him first, or to be so comfortable doing so. Yet knowing he trust in him came from seeing her mother take comfort and emotional release in his arms.
It was Jack's embrace, one arm wrapped around each adult, head resting just beside his little sister, that made Aaron finally weep, unable to care enough to even try to pretend to keep up his stoic facade. He wasn't sure if it had been a mere few seconds, or perhaps even minutes that had passed, when tightened grips started to loosen.
Aaron could feel Grace wiggle in between them, not wanting to fully release her, knowing that would mean Emily would let go as well. He was grateful when Jack seemed to sense his dilemma whispering "I got her Emily" feeling the warm, tiny, squirming body slide out their embrace into her big brother's arms.
Emily could feel her pulse beginning to settle, the usual comfort and ease she found in his presence still potent. She knew it would be easy to fall back into his arms and lose herself in his scent and the thump of his heartbeat.
She was also aware of Jack's intentions to give them a moment of privacy, momentarily occupying his little sister's full attention. Emily was grateful but didn't want to rush things and give the boy any false hope that everything was magically fixed between her and his father.
Both parents stood frozen in place, silently staring on. Watching the siblings interact with ease, comfort, and familiarity, like they had been doing so for years. Once he was sure the kids were suitably distracted, settled on picnic blanket, he couldn't stop himself from fully wrapping both arms around Emily.
Yet she couldn't risk losing herself again in him, it was torture being this near. Wanting to surrender herself fully to the love she wasn't sure she would ever feel again. But the dull ache of pain residing in the recesses of her heart and brain reminded her she couldn't indulge. Not without slipping back under the spell and control he had over her.
He felt her begin to protest and push him away, before he had her fully encapsulated in his embrace. Yet it wasn't anger in her eyes as he expected to see, it was pain and desperation. Aaron knew he couldn't force this on her, not when she was clearly at war with herself. It would be unfair to take advantage and try to push for more than she could give, with the chance of breaking her beyond repair.
He watched her subtly slip away from him as she carefully wiped her eyes, before approaching and starting up conversation with the kids when she was close enough. Hearing them excitedly respond to whatever she was saying.
Aaron stood wistfully observing how perfect a picture was being painted before him. A masterpiece for which he deserved no credit in helping to create. It was the most beautiful sight he had ever seen in his life and he knew he couldn't risk screwing it up.
Aaron knew this was exactly what Jess and Dave had been talking about before, he couldn't push her or try to pull her closer if she wasn't ready for more. It was obvious the attraction, feelings and chemistry between them hadn't dissipated in his long absence from her life.
It was obvious she was struggling with herself, her heart and mind at war, neither entirely ready to fully consider giving him another chance to hurt her. He needed to go at her pace and accept whatever parts of herself she willingly offered him.
And until then he would cherish and memorize every single second he had with the three people he loved most. Aaron carefully approached the blanket containing his whole world knowing he had already won so much, it was best not to push his luck while he was ahead.
The story of an award and secret soiree actually worthy of one Agent Hotchner.
(to read, click link at end of my author's notes)
Notes:
Please read:
I have gone back and forth the last few days ad nauseam about what part of this fic I should update next. I have two other fics that will be part of this series/collection. One set before my fic Time After Time, and one after.
For the prequel, I have letters written from Emily's perspective to Aaron with pictures for snapshots of her development through each month of the pregnancy he missed.
I also have random out of order snapshots for the subsequent sequel, of their life together and their kids growing up, set after Hotchniss has officially gotten back together.
I thought long and hard about this, even if it seems meaningless to some of you reading my fics. But I wanted to do this right and give you all this Hotchniss kind of alternative universe, epic story of their love, we deserved to see on screen. Hopefully my words do them justice, unlike the show did.
P.S.
I've decided to give you all this current story THE HONOURARY HONOUREE AGENT HOTCHNER as a hopeful light and fluffy spoiler story for the future. Because if you're reading TIME AFTER TIME from this series, it is going to be one hell of an emotional rollercoaster in the next few updates, and you all deserve to see the light at the end of the tunnel, to know eventually they will get the happy ending they both deserve, together.
P. P. S.
I have so many pics for fics of Emily. Paget is just so freaking adorable with all her expressions and each one, so clearly, tells a story of it's own, worth more than a thousand words.
P.P.P.S.
I both apologize sincerely for this rambling word vomit of my thought process, and I'm also sorry, not sorry about it. So without further adieu, please enjoy this mini future fic in my Time After Time universe dedicated to exploring the life of Hotchniss.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Time After Time, Chapter 11, In My Daughter's Eyes
Previous Chapters of this story can be found here⬇️⬇️
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
The whole time they were measuring ingredients and baking, Emily's mind was running rampant with how, what, and exactly when to tell Grace that she was finally going to have a chance to meet her father and big brother.
Reuniting, and having her Hotchner boys back safe and sound was all Emily had ever wanted. She had been waiting for the possibility of this moment since the stick turned blue. For the longest time she had been full of nothing but elation at the prospect of sharing her news with Aaron and Jack, and seeing them meet the newest addition to their family.
But, this wasn't how it was supposed to go, Grace was supposed to be a newborn, a few hours or mere days old, weeks or months even, but not years. It somehow felt odd or wrong, that it was only now they were finally going to meet her.
Grace wasn't a blank slate, she was a whole person, with a fully formed identity. Aaron and Jack would never know the sweet, innocent, happy go lucky baby she was, or the sassy, intelligent, precocious toddler who everyone loved and fawned over.
Sure they would have many years ahead of them, to watch her learn and grow, to get to know the person she would become, but they would never know the Grace she knew. Or be able to share those memories of her early years filled with so many first milestones.
Emily dreaded to think when Grace was old enough to make the connection and ask questions to find out the truths behind why they weren't in a single photo with her before she turned four. For her to learn how cruel and dangerous life had been to both her parents and brother. Emily hoped when she learned of the most pertinent details surrounding why, that Grace didn't come to resent her.
To Emily it also felt like fate's version of a twisted, fucked up parallel of a joke. Because, Jack would have been around Grace's age shortly after his mother's passing, when Emily herself met him and became a familiar figure in his life. Emily knew what that felt like having missed those precious formative years with Jack. She hoped it didn't feel like a divide for Aaron, Jack, or Grace.
Albeit, not being how she planned, Emily knew she was just hurt and confused, still trying to make sense of her own nerves on the matter, because she still wanted that family she dreamed of when pregnant with Grace. Emily just wasn't sure she could ever get what they had back, but she would fight for this chance to still give Grace a life with her father and brother, even if it would never be like she imagined for them.
With her nerves frayed, Emily had considered waiting for Jess to give Grace that added support, but she wasn't worried for her daughter's initial reaction to such information. After all, her little girl had known her whole life about her father and big brother, and would be over the moon with their surprise visit and finally being able to meet them both.
While they were waiting for the final batch of cookies, their treat and reward for finishing the rest of their baking first, Emily decided it was as good of an opportunity as any to tell Grace about their tentative meet and greet for the next day. And, if she by some odd chance didn't take the news well, Emily knew fresh baked cookies could solve a mirad of problems when you're under the age of seven.
Momentous as it would be for Grace, it wasn't some big life altering surprize, she was only now just learning about, 5 years after the fact. But for Jack, learning news of this magnitude, it could shake him to his core and turn his whole life upside down, and make him question everything. And Emily knew it had been too long, cookies would no longer magically work to fix his problems or ease his troubles.
Jack had been through so much in his young life, enough to be wary and distrustful of surprises and changes. He deserved to have all the love and support he needed for revelation such as this, even if it was a good surprise. Emily just wished she was whose support he needed, just as she had been before Peter Lewis wrought havoc on all their lives.
She knew it wasn't completely unknown how things might play out knowing all the key players as she did. Emily just still hoped everything would go well, and any ruffled feathers or tentativeness could eventually be smoothed out.
That Jack wouldn't ultimately feel somehow betrayed by her, in a way he couldn't get past. But, Emily knew, even if he needed her to be the target for his anger and rage, as much as it would hurt her, she could take it. It would be worth it to have the chance to make their family whole again.
Emily herself, was already worried enough for them both, but she knew her daughter would want to make a good impression, just wanting and needing her father and brother to like her. Yet, that was the one doubt Emily didn't have, she knew they would instantly fall in love with Grace. She may be a tad biased, but she also knew her baby girl was extraordinary.
But no, Emily was almost certain her little monkey would be over the moon with the news. However, she knew her little girl had always been a sensitive soul and was also likely going to be a tad apprehensive once her excitement started to waiver and any of her insecurities set in.
There was also a chance Grace could pick up on her emotions and unease of the situation. She planned to do her best to compartmentalize and hide her feelings on the matter. To let her daughter make her own mind up without being wary of her own influence over Grace. Emily just hoped her sweet little girl felt comfortable sharing her mindset and feelings with her if she was struggling to adapt.
But, Emily was sure though, if Grace had any lingering trepidation she couldn't help her daughter soothe, Jessica or Nonno Dave would likely be who her monkey confided to on the matter. If not JJ, Tara, or Penelope, would be her daughter's next choices of confidantes, should the situation call for it.
Thinking of the team, opened a whole other stream of thought and gave more reason to her need to worry and be wary. Emily hoped Aaron would be the one to share the news of his return with the other members of the team first. She didn't want them finding out through Grace, but Emily wasn't sure she could handle informing them herself. For once she wasn't sure she could manage dealing with their immediate feelings and reactions on top of her own. She knew at the moment she couldn't handle their pity or meddling into the minefield of her mind.
Emily knew all of the team would eventually come around and warm up to the news of Aaron and Jack's return. But, even if some of them had trouble accepting the news now, she trusted them all to be mindful and supportive in the transition, helping her put Jack and Grace's needs first.
And Emily herself was going to pay extra close attention to Grace, to make sure she felt supported, wanted, accepted, and heard. But most of all, she didn't feel afraid or alone in any way, and that she didn't doubt for a second that she was beyond loved by so many people.
Emily figured the little girl's nerves likely wouldn't set in until the morning. When the excitement had dwindled, and the possibility of meeting two of the most important people to her, finally felt real. Then the anticipation would take over, and Grace would become quiet and introspective.
She knew her own nerves might never settle, it might always be an adjustment having the Hotchner boys back in her life. A mostly pleasant one she was sure, but it would take time to normalize into having them back in her life. Emily wasn't sure she could ever truly let the lost hopes and dreams she had for their family go.
She still wanted both Jack and Aaron in her and Grace's lives, but she couldn't help thinking it would be a constant challenge. That her mind wasn't ready to entertain the prospect of letting her heart even consider the possibility of getting hurt by Aaron again.
It would be a constant battle having to remind herself they weren't a temporary aspect in her life. To find calming for the deep ache of her trauma and avoid any unnecessary triggers. To allow herself to rebuild bonds her brain couldn't stop reminding her might be fleeting.
Emily wasn't sure if the fear of their lack of permanence in her life would ever be completely sated. There would always be some small, unconscious niggling bit of doubt burrowed away deep with the belief that them leaving her again was inevitable. It would take time for her, learning to trust they wouldn't leave her again.
Emily knew even if it was an uphill battle she would have to push past that, she needed to try for her daughter's sake, and for Jack, even if she held no legal or biological claim to him. In her heart he was as much of her child as Grace had ever been.
But, until she had confirmation that Jack was comfortable and ready to accept her back into life of his own accord, she could distract herself and put her focus on helping Grace adjust. Emily knew her little monkey better than anyone else, and she would protect her and show her the love, Emily herself had never been afforded as a child.
Emily was sure Jack would somehow instantly disarm all of Grace's doubts, and she would fall into stride of having her brother in her life quite effortlessly. Jack had always been easygoing and quite the loveable, adorable, little charmer in his youth. Emily couldn't see that temperamental part of him totally changing in the years since she had seen him last.
But, Emily had a feeling it would take her little monkey longer to warm up to her father. She knew how imposing and scary Aaron Hotchner could seem without trying. And that he too was aware of this and would be hesitant already to make any bold moves to bond and risk startling Grace.
Emily hoped when the time came, given her being mutual connection and constant they all shared, she would be strong enough to break the ice, and ease everyone involved. That the awkwardness would be short lived, and they could all enjoy making the first of many lasting memories as a family.
She was sure there would be many hiccups, bumps in the road, and a few cans of worms opened. But she would do her best to compartmentalize and avoid rocking the boat until she felt more steady and sure of where she stood.
Emily wasn't completely certain how to broach the topic with her daughter, not sure she herself was ready for them to officially meet. She couldn't shake the possibility of this ending with Grace hurt if things didn't turn out well.
"Gracie baby, mommy was wondering if you would like to go to the park for a picnic tomorrow? There are two people who would very much like to see you and spend the day with us."
Her daughter's squeals of excitement could be heard as she guessed at their surprise visitors for the next day. "Is it Auntie JJ and Michael? We haven't had a sleepover with them in forever mommy. Does that mean Uncle Will and Henry is coming to play too?"
Emily couldn't stop herself from smiling, knowing her daughter absolutely adored spending time with the whole LaMontagne family. "No baby, but I'm sure we can talk to Auntie JJ and set up a play day soon."
"Is it Nonno and Pretty Penny, or Uncle D and Hank. Can I wear one of my special dresses you got me mommy?"
While all were plausible guesses, Emily wasn't sure Grace would be more or less excited by who they were really meeting at the park. "No sweetie, it's none of them, but you can wear one of your dresses if you would like and you will probably see Nonno sometime this week."
Emily knew she couldn't draw this out any longer, she had to just do it, rip it off like a bandaid, she couldn't prolong the moment much longer, the anticipation of the whole situation was slowly draining her.
"Listen Gracie, do you remember the man who stopped by last night, when Aunt Jessica was making supper."
Emily wasn't quite sure how her daughter would respond to the question, but Grace's response threw her off kilter. "Yes Mommy, that man was my daddy, he was tall, just like in your picture book."
She hadn't thought Grace had recognized him, seeing as her little girl hadn't mentioned anything to herself of Jess. Yet, Emily should have known her observant little girl would have made the connection. She was taken aback by the way Grace spoke of him so nonchalantly, it was a tad bit concerning. "I thought you might recognize him. Yes it was your daddy, did you know it was him when you saw him then monkey?"
"Not at first, but why didn't he know me, mommy. When he sawed me he lookeded at me funny and frowneded. He seemed like a big grumpy meanie, is that who made you cry on the phone today mommy?"
She could hear the quick rise of anger and passion in her little girl's voice. The way she tripped up in the grammar of her speech was her daughter's tell when she was worried or scared. Emily knew if she wanted their introduction to go well, she would have to smooth things over immediately, hoping to prevent tears and put a stop to any doubt in her baby girl's mind.
"Hey sweetie, I only cried cause I missed your daddy and brother. But, they came back for a visit to see you baby. I'm sorry you thought that, but your daddy probably didn't realise it was you when he stopped by, because all the pictures he had of you are from when you were little. You're such a big girl now Gracie, I can't believe how grown up you are monkey."
Emily stroked her daughter's hair in comfort. She could see Grace didn't fully understand or accept that explanation, so she spouted off another plausible excuse that would hopefully satisfy the girl's curiousity.
"Also your daddy was probably just super tired. He worked all day and drove a long way to see us. He wasn't feeling too well and wanted to make sure to keep his distance in case he had germies. He loves you too much monkey, and didn't want to risk getting you sick."
"I know, you know it's no fun being sick angel, when all you want to do is cuddle up with your stuffies and blankie with me in my big bed and sleep. Well your daddy needed some sleep too so he would feel better and we'll rested for our picnic at the park tomorrow."
"I'm sure your daddy also wanted to make sure your big brother wasn't alone, because he was super tired too, from all his learning at his big boy school. I bet they've been keeping each other in good company so neither of them would miss out on all the fun and games, and cookies they are all going to enjoy with you monkey."
Grace now knew the man who she saw the other night was in fact her daddy. To her, he had looked a bit like the pictures her mother kept, but he looked more sad than grumpy and wasn't wearing a suit, so she hadn't been sure it was him right away.
She had been too nervous to ask, and he hadn't stayed long. Plus Grace had been too excited having her mother home to give it much thought when it happened. But now she had, and Grace remembered when he saw her, he daddy looked confused and didn't talk to her or seem to recognize her. She wasn't sure why he had seemed like he didn't know her.
Her mommy had said he had never met her before. And all the photos she had sent him were from when she was younger. That her daddy probably didn't realise it was her when he stopped by, because her mommy said she was a big girl now.
Grace knew her mom was the smartest person ever, and that she would never lie to her. So it was easy to make sense and believe what she was saying had to be true.
Grace couldn't help feeling proud when her mom teased her she was getting old and so grown up. Her mommy also gave her lots of hugs and kisses and cuddles that reminded her everything was ok.
Emily on the other hand, felt her heart breaking lying to Grace, but she couldn't take the sad puppy dog eyes on her daughter's expression. In this case Emily knew it was a necessary evil, she was way too young to understand the truth of everything that happened between them. So she kept talking, nervously rambling endless details to substantiate her explaination.
"Plus Nonno has been feeding them lots of yummy pasta and taking care of them at his house. You know your daddy has known your Nonno longer than mommy has. Remember how I told you before, Nonno used to be daddy's boss when he first worked at the FBI."
Emily hoped by reminding her daughter that Aaron knew and was friends with all the people in Grace's immediate circle, it would comfort her. She knew her little girl trusted everyone on her team fiercely and would benefit the familiar connection they all had to her father and big brother.
"Remember your daddy was also friends with Uncle Spence, Auntie JJ, Pretty Penny, Uncle D, Uncle Luke, and Aunt Tara before mommy had ever met any of them. Even your big brother Jack knew them all before me, isn't that crazy monkey?"
Gracie's eyes lit up excited by what her mother was saying "Does daddy and Jack know Uncle Mattie and Bunny too."
"How could I forget either of them. Apparently daddy met your Uncle Mattie while mommy was working in England with Bunny. But, I'm not sure if you daddy will remember him, I don't think they had time to be friends, cause they were busy working and catching bad guys."
"As for Bunny, Jack's only met him once or twice. Your daddy and him also know each other, but they don't always get along and play nice together. I'm sure they like each other though baby, they are both just competitive and jealous, they never liked having to share me. They both wanted to be my best friend."
Emily knew it was best to tell Grace now the friendly version of Hotch's relationship with Clyde. She had no doubt it was only a matter of time before Jess broke the news that Aaron was back. Once that happened, Emily could hazard a guess it wouldn't go over well with him, she just hoped when Clyde came to storm the castle, there was no bloodshed to be had in front of Grace.
Grace absolutely adored her Uncle Bunny, thought he was one of the amusing people ever. Clyde also took his role of godfather quite seriously, showing up for all the main holidays and occasions throughout the year. He had been good to them, and he was adorable with Jess and treated her like a queen. She hoped Aaron especially would be the bigger man and at least try to play nice with Clyde whenever Grace was around.
Emily almost thought Grace's silence meant the answers seemed to have satisfied her daughter's insatiable curiosity for the moment. She should have known her inquisitive little girl wouldn't have been that easily satisfied.
"Mommy, did daddy ever get to meet Uncle Stevie before he died and joineded Jack's mommy in heaven?"
Emily sighed, the guilt still ate at her over Stephen Walker's death. It was sad knowing Aaron and Jack would never know the man who gave his life for their safety. She treasured the two photos she had of Grace and Stephen.
The first was of just the two of them, the team took turns fighting and passing Grace around. Her daughter didn't seem too disturbed by all the loud beeping, squealing, tears, and laughter. But, Emily would never forget the way Grace instantly fell asleep seconds after she was passed over to Stephen.
When the others tried to take her from his grasp, she would immediately stir and begin to cry. They never really got to see if it was a fluke experience, but Emily knew in that moment Grace had immediately felt safe wrapped in Stephen Walker's arms.
The other picture which she absolutely adored was the team crowded around her and Grace shortly before the all headed home for the night. Most of them were sitting or hanging off her bed, leaning against her monitor, squished together, trying to get as close as possible for the picture.
Emily was just glad the nurse on her case was one familiar with their motley crew having worked in the E.R. on many of them before and she knew how close they were. As soon as she saw them all trying to subtly sneak in to visit, she offered to take a group photo when they were ready. She turn a blind eye to visiting restrictions as long as they all behaved.
Emily absolutely treasured both images capturing such a special memory and occasion. She had multiple copies displayed throughout her living space a copy of it in her bedroom, living room, her office, and Grace's bedroom. Emily also kept one in a place of pride on her Section Chief's desk at the B.A.U.
"They probably crossed paths at work, but no baby, I don't think your daddy ever got the chance to work with Stephen. That doesn't mean they didn't know each other, or that they didn't. Dave used to teach Stevie, it's possible your dad met him through your Nonno."
Emily could hear herself beginning to ramble, knowing exactly where Grace's habits for tripping over her words and grammar in general, when she was worried, nervous,afraid, or stressed in anyway. "I promise though monkey, we can tell daddy and Jack all about him. Maybe next weekend, they can come with us to visit his grave and Haley's too."
She looked down seeing another thought pop into her daughter's head. "Mommy, can they still meet Aunt Moni, Eli, and Maya too?"
Sometimes Emily couldn't get over how sweet, innocent, sensitive, and caring her little girl was. It also warmed her heart knowing her daughter had such a supportive village of people who cherished her and made her feel safe and loved.
"I'm sure you can introduce them sometime soon, maybe we can invite them over. Or we can make Nonno throw a Pasta Party at his house with the team, and daddy and Jack can come too."
"You promise mommy?" Grace threw her mother the sweetest most adorable little pout, she knew they would have to enact these plans soon to make her little girl happy. Emily knew she would move mountains, if that's what it took to make her baby smile.
"We definitely can make that happen angel, but Uncle D, Auntie Des, and Hank probably won't be able to come. But I'm sure Uncle Will and Auntie JJ will bring boys for you, Jack, Eli, and Maya to play with."
"That sounds like lots of fun mommy. When can we do it?" Emily had to chuckle at her daughter's antics and squeals of excitement. She hoped her little girl never lost the part of her when she grew up.
"Patience monkey. I'll talk to your father about it first and you can call Nonno tomorrow night and ask him. Cause we both know your his favourite person in the whole world, and he can't say no to your adorable little face." Emily drew out the last part with and tickle and kiss attack on Grace's chubby little cheeks.
Their joint laughter was the sound that carried and greeted Jessica at the front door, when she let herself in. She couldn't stop herself from smiling, silently observing mother and daughter always so carefree together. Jessica Brooks knew Haley was watching down as well, feeling like balance was finally in the process of being restored in the universe.
Trigger warning, deals with the topic of miscarriage.
Find Chapter 1 HERE⬇️
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
He hated seeing her like this, and knowing he couldn't do anything to fix it. That he didn't have any words or gestures that could magically ease her pain.
He knew you couldn't rush the healing process, sometimes you just needed time to be allowed to process and come to terms with things on your own.
But he wasn't good dealing with feelings, that was Emily forte. Whenever he, Jack, or even anyone in the team had a problem, her presence alone was often enough to make any situation manageable. It was like she instantly knew exactly how to make everything better.
Being on the other side of the equation, with such delicate circumstances at play, pushing or prodding Emily would likely put her over the edge. He wanted to be sensitive to her feelings, knowing from his own grief, the heartbreak and devastation was likely amplified for her.
Aaron knew she hadn't really listened to any of the medical professionals who tried to absolve her of her guilt. She wasn't going to listen to him either, because she was only blaming herself for something no one could have controlled or predicted.
Emily was the only person he knew that was more stubborn than him. And usually he didn't mind, because 99.9% of the time she chose to assert this trait and stand up to him, she was absolutely 100% right.
But this time she was completely wrong, and he didn't know what kind of fight was ahead of him to prove that to her. He just wanted Emily to ease up on herself, to see she wasn't at fault, so she could actually grieve. He needed her to know that he knew she had loved and wanted their baby, he could see it in the way she had taken every precaution possible.
She had actually shocked him, when they discovered she was pregnant, immediately asking him to put her on light risk assignments like victimology, interviews, anything that reduced the possible physical dangers of their job.
When they discovered her pregnancy, Aaron had thought he would have to fight her tooth and nail to get her to take things easy. But, she had immediately been extremely cautious, not willing to take any chances since the stick turned blue and her OB confirmed the news.
Emily had even cut out coffee cold turkey, switching back to tea, telling the other her old ulcers were acting up. She even snuck breaks when she could and always had healthy snacks in her pocket and go bag.
She started drinking water like a raging alcoholic on a binge. And even turned down his occasional sexual advances, knowing her body and baby needed the rest more than she needed an orgasm. That flabbergasted him more than anything, because she was usually the instigator and like a wild fiend when it came to the sexual aspects of their relationship.
Aaron had never seen Emily take such good care of herself, it was almost like she was a different person. But he knew, she did it because of how much she wanted their baby to be strong and healthy, taking every advantage she could to make sure that would happen.
Seeing how much she had willingly altered her lifestyle without his prompting, Aaron knew she had done everything right. It had been something so precious to her, and she had done everything humanly possible to protect their baby.
He was so proud of her, yet, he knew she wouldn't believe him, even if he tried telling her that now. But, he had never once, even for a millisecond thought she was somehow at fault for this miscarriage. He knew that's not how she saw things though, that she would always blame herself for yet another thing in her life she hadn't been able to control.
Aaron understood she wasn't used to letting people in, she was still slowly getting used to the fact he was actually there for her, and wanted to know all the little things she had to share, just as much as the big things about her. And more importantly, that he wasn't going to abandon her in her time of need, like everyone who came before him.
He didn't take personal offence to her choice to almost completely close herself off from him, knowing she needed to process some things alone first, before she could consider sharing her thoughts and feelings on the matter. They were similar in that aspect, he knew it wasn't because she didn't want to turn to him, but because she had been burnt too many times before.
Aaron was terrified that even when she would be ready, he wouldn't know how to properly convey all the things he wanted, in a way that would get through to her. He couldn't absolve her of the guilt she felt, until she let herself off the hook. His words wouldn't have meaning if she didn't believe them herself.
He didn't doubt that she trusted him, and he knew there wasn't a single person alive he trusted more than her. He couldn't help thinking in this case, it also boiled down to her instinctual need to protect him, knowing little would ever supercede that. That she would rather dismantle and destroy herself, than ever cause him or his son any pain.
It was two fold, Aaron sometimes both loved and hated her self sacrificing to a fault nature. He had admired her for that noble quality and her endless empathy for others. He quickly saw her ability to build relationships and trust with everyone she interacted with. Whether it be victims, their loved ones, unsubs, or officers from other precincts.
He could even admit her empathy and compassion, allowed her to see the little things others missed during their cases. At first it annoyed him, especially when her hunches, the he missed, turned out to be correct. Until he truly realised Emily Prentiss was nothing like the person he once accused her of being.
She definitely wasn't the spoiled, entitled, ladder climbing, budding career politician he thought she was when she first joined his team. He had never been so wrong about a person, or so glad he had misjudged her. He could still remember the night she finally confessed to him how hard it had been finding her place on the team.
How not everyone had been welcoming, and those that were, kept her at an arms length. And those first few months, years even, when one of the team was hurt or in trouble, she had been just as devastated and ready to help as the others. But she didn't share their bonds, she was used to being invisible and pushed to the side.
So she adapted, not wanting to make their pain, thoughts, feelings, and injuries in anyway about herself. She kept trucking, working to find what they needed to solve the cases that the BAU became more personally invested in. She held their hands, spoke wise and comforting words no one else was brave or empathetic enough to share, or know needed sharing.
Those bonds she forged had been another thing Doyle had taken from her. It hadn't been the same after for her, knowing what was missing and broken, terrified it wasn't something she could rebuild. That she felt so cold, lonely, and lost, her only fleeting bit of saving grace had been knowing he was in her corner. And when she finally leaned on him, he became her rock, and helped her through the storm.
For years he had watched the way she cared for everyone else behind the scenes, never expecting even a thank you in return. He had learned the full extent of her genuineness when she turned her focus to him, always lending and ear and making sure he knew he was never alone.
Emily was one person who could always coax him out of the darkness, that threatened to overwhelm him. She was just there in whatever capacity he needed her to be, silently showing him he didn't have to ever wait out the storms alone. That no matter how big, unmanagable, or impossible things seemed, she had his back.
He wanted to return the favour, be the port in the storm she turned to whenever there was any atmospheric disturbance. He never wanted her to feel like she had to face any challenge or aspect of her life alone again.
When she finally started to come to him on the bad days, he realized he was in love with her, and wanted to be the first person she turned to, good or bad, he wanted to be her safe place, her forever home.
And now, even though, he was the one with marriage experience under his belt, this wasn't a situation he had encountered before. With Haley, they hadn't faced the tragedy of a miscarriage. But, it had been a long and challenging road conceiving Jack, the struggle had put pressure on their already strained marriage.
Finding out she was pregnant with Jack, Aaron thought all their problems would diminish. That Haley's focus would shift to raising their son, and they could be happy. And, everything between them would work out for their family.
But it hadn't, and this situation with Emily wasn't comparable to that or anything he knew how to handle. He was absolutely terrified he would say the wrong thing, or Emily would misinterpret him in some way. He had a bad habit of getting flustered and sticking his foot in his mouth dealing with women and his feelings.
Aaron knew he couldn't go to anyone on the team, that would betray Emily's trust. None of them knew about the baby, they had been planning to tell the team at dinner the Friday she miscarried.
Emily had been so excited, couldn't wait to bond even deeper with JJ over shared pregnancy experiences. She joked with him how if they had a girl, she had no doubt Penelope would start planning a wedding between their child and Hank or one of the LeMontange boys.
She was nervous, but beyond certain everyone would take the news well. She had been most excited to ask Dave if the baby could call him Grandpa or Nonno when the time came. He loved the bond Emily shared with Dave, knowing he was like the dad she always deserved to have in her life.
And now, she wouldn't have the chance, and might never allow herself the possibility of trying again. It was more than wanting to give Jack a sibling and experiencing parenthood together.
Aaron hated to think she might give up on this dream for herself, knowing she was meant to be a mother in every sense of the word.
But for now, he would settle for her letting him in, he was desperate knowing her guilt was likely eating her alive. He hated knowing she was heartbroken and overwhelmed, suffering alone in her grief. And that this was something he couldn't fix for her, and it might very well be the insurmountable thing that finally broke her spirit beyond repair.
Aaron vowed to himself, he would do everything in his power to save her from herself, and prevent this from happening. He already had an uphill battle in front of him, he just hoped it didn't get any worse, before it got better.
Time After Time - Chapter Ten - After all that we've been through, I will make it up to you.
Let me know if you would like more images to go along with the story, cause I've got them. It think having more will add a little something something to the chapters, but let me know what you think about that and the story so far. Also, full fic in order can be found here⬇️
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
Here's the newest chapter.......
Aaron had never truly understood why Jack stopped asking about Emily. He used to mention her multiple times daily, talking about all the plans he wanted to make with her when they got to go home. And then one day, months after they were deemed free and safe, Jack stopped asking, cold turkey.
Aaron could never quite figure out why, especially after he had been so adamant about seeing her or calling her for so long. He noticed it was also around this time his son became withdrawn. Jack just seemed angry at the world in a way so uncharacteristic of the sweet little boy he raised. At the time, Aaron hadn't wanted to look a gift horse in the mouth, he was just glad not to hear him say her name, knowing he would never forgive himself for hurting her.
And now, he hoped Jack could handle this change, because Aaron needed to make this right. He knew if for some reason Jack couldn't accept Emily and/or Grace in his life, this could become even more of an impossible challenge. He just hoped his son took the news well, that for now one thing went in his favour.
Aaron was glad at least he had been able to somewhat smooth things over with Jessica for the time being. That she was magnanimous, and wasn't treating him in a hostile manner, they both knew he would have been more than justified receiving. Aaron was well aware she was right, he might need to rely on her help as a familiar buffer and support, for this moment he told Jack about Grace.
After his phone with Emily, him and Jessica had a pleasant breakfast/brunch, while they waited for Jack and Dave to return. They had just finished eating, clearing their plates, when the two returned.
It was safe to say Jack had been estatic to see his aunt, and catch up with her. But Jack was wary, they were all acting too cheerful, added to that, Aunt Jess and Uncle Dave kept looking over at his dad as if there was something they were trying to say without his permission. He almost immediately knew he was being left in the dark about something important.
"I know there's something you're all not telling me dad. I'm old enough to understand things, and you promised you weren't going to keep secrets from me anymore. You, Uncle Dave, and Aunt Jess have all been acting strange, and you've been avoiding me since we got here last night."
Aaron knew there was no more stalling he needed to come clean. It was now or never.
"Hey Jack, your right and we need to talk, man to man. Also I invited Jessica over in case you would like to spend some time with her after we talk. I know you missed you aunt, and you might need a safe place and space from me. We need to talk about a sensitive topic, and I need you to hear me out and try not to storm out until we've finished our discussion."
Aaron could see the way Jack was focused on him studying his every move. When he saw the boy cock his eyebrows, he knew he the anticipation was making Jack anxious and he had to just come out and say it. Rip the bandaid off.
He took a deep breath, releasing it in a hurry with his statement. "It's about Emily."
Jack responded immediately, with a malicious uncharacteristic of the boy. "I don't want to talk about her, we are fine without her. I know you think you still love her, but I don't want her in my life. We are fine without her dad, you told me it was over 5 years ago. I know she's why we didn't come back after we were safe. I don't ever want to see that woman again, she's only going to hurt you dad."
Aaron was flabbergasted at the way his son reacted so viscerally. The way Jack avoided saying Emily's name, either out of spite, or an unconscious need for self protection. Neither bode well and made Aaron uneasy about how his son might react to the rest there was to tell.
"Woah Jack, I don't know where this hostility for Emily is coming from, it was my decision to end things with her. Not that we ever explicitly had that conversation about the topic. She never wanted us to break up, she always thought we were coming back after they stopped Mr.Scratch."
Jack was having none of it, sick of his father covering for her, as he had done so frequently over the last 5 years. "No don't that, don't defend her, she moved on with us. She didn't wait for us to come back to go play house with some other guy. I won't let her hurt you again dad. She destroyed you before, you weren't the same after."
Aaron was confused by how adamant and passionate his son was about the words and things he was saying. He wasn't sure where he got it in his head that Emily hadn't wanted them to return. "Jack I'm not sure I follow, I think you might be confused or have things jumbled. What are you talking about buddy."
Jack was exasperated, his patience wearing thin, knowing he couldn't full protect his father and prevent him getting even more heartbroken anymore. "You told me after giving it careful thought and consideration we weren't returning. But, I skyped her, hoping she would listen, and if I reasoned with her, she could talk some sense into you, I wanted to come back. I saw her dad, it was almost a year after we were in the clear."
Jack paused knowing this next revelation was going to hurt his father. "But dad, she had some baby with that guy. We were hiding, scared for our lives and she was off playing house without us. How could she do that to me and you, how could she pretend she loved us and betray you like that dad."
Aaron wanted to laugh and cry, not sure how his son had come to this conclusion. He was talking as if it had been a secret he had been keeping under lock and key for years. And suddenly it was clear, the timing of his son's odd behaviour back then. "Jack, I promise you buddy that's not what happened."
Jack couldn't believe how obtuse and blind his father was about her. "No you don't know dad, you don't need to defend her anymore. You didn't see that British guy kiss her cheek and call her darling, or the baby he was holding call her mama. She cheated on you while we were gone, she didn't wait at all. She obviously moved on right away with her life. I don't ever want to see her again."
Aaron was beyond confused, knowing he had to be talking about his little sister. "Jack buddy what are you talking about? Wait a second you know about Grace?"
Jack was ready to scream and shout at his father's lack of anger and reaction to what he had revealed to him. "I don't know who the hell Grace is. But, when I skyped Emily, that blond guy from her office in England answered her laptop with a baby on his lap. He immediately called for Emily, and she came into the room in her bathrobe like she had just gotten out of the shower. He said darling there is someone who wants to talk to you. And then the baby on his lap started squealing and chanting, excitedly calling Emily mama."
Everyone present could feel the palpable emotion threatening to suffocate the room. None of the adults knew quite how to instantly respond to Jack's revelation.
Jack continued explaining, knowing his dad might be in shock. "I was so fucking angry, I hung up right away and blocked her from ever calling back. I swear I never contacted her again Dad, I absolutely hate her for having the audacity to hurt you and me like that."
Aaron couldn't believe Jack had known about Grace, that he could have said something years ago, giving him a chance to fix things then. But, he knew Jack wasn't to blame, he couldn't have possibly known. Him misunderstanding the situation was understandable consider the circumstances and context at the time.
"You know I don't condone swearing young man, and you don't hate her. Given the confusing situation, I'm willing to let it slide. But, why didn't you tell me that happened buddy. You shouldn't have had to deal with keeping that all bottled up by yourself. I wished you had told me about it then."
Jack was seeing red, he couldn't believe how calm, collected and ridiculous his father's reaction was to finding out Emily had a kid without him. He was ready to storm out in anger when his father put his hand up to stop him.
"Jack, bud I'm not mad you didn't tell me, and I'm not mad at her, it's really not what you think. First of all I'm assuming the blonde British guy you saw is Emily's friend Clyde from Interpol."
Jack couldn't remember his name at the time, but Clyde did sound familiar, but in the grand scheme of things it hadn't been that important of a detail. "Well he was obviously living with her dad, and what about the baby, how do explain that?"
Aaron sighed, knowing how complicated and convoluted his explanation would sound to his son."Clyde and Emily are just friends, they've known each other for years. And Jack the baby's name is Grace, and there is no easy way to shield you from finding out like this, but, she's your little sister."
Jack looked back up at his father his face losing all colour. He was suddenly feeling lightheaded and wasn't sure he had heard his father right. Because that would mean Emily didn't betray his father and him. Nothing felt like it was adding up, except the bile building in throat, causing his need to vomit.
Aaron could see his son was shocked, seconds away from either entering fight or flight mode or getting sick. "And before you storm away, I didn't know, but Emily was pregnant when went into hiding. She gave birth to your little sister a few days before they stopped Mr.Scratch. She never cheated, or tried to replace us or move on. I'm Grace's father."
Jack's head was spinning, spitting out plausible theories and explanations. The most prevalent one, the only one that made sense to both his head and heart was she had to be lying now to cover for herself.
Jack couldn't believe how ridiculous his father was being, that Emily had sucked him back in with such bullshit lies. The alternative, that him and his father had both hurt and abandoned her, leaving her terrified and alone with his baby sister, it was too devastating for him to even consider.
It would mean everything he had thought about Emily the last 4 years had been wrong. That the hatred for her that had settled in his heart had never belonged there. That she was innocent of all wrongdoings, him and his father had done the betraying, and they were the real villains in the his story.
The implication of that plausible scenario was complicated, too much for his developing brain to fully process in that moment. So he settled on the one that was easier to swallow than the poison guilt he may have accidentally concocted.
"No dad, don't cover for her, she never told us about the baby. She never called me or you after we were safe or asked us to come home. She was probably trying to hide the truth, because you caught her and she didn't want you to find out she betrayed us."
Aaron could feel his heartbreaking knowing the full extent of what his son had been thinking the last 4+ years. And how that illusion was shattered, and Jack was ready to unravel at the seams, all paths leading to the truth were littered with embedded shards of anguish that were impossible to navigate around.
Aaron was just grateful they weren't lined with deadly landmines. As this currently stood, any pain or injury incurred was still relatively manageable or fixable with time, ongoing care and proper attention. They would heal together.
"Oh Jack honey, I promise you that's not what happened. Let me try to explain. Emily tried to tell me about Grace, she sent me letters every month under an alias when we were hiding, and even some after. But, I just...., I couldn't bring myself to open them. At the time, I knew I had hurt Emily, running away without saying goodbye. I didn't have an inkling it was so much more than that."
Aaron could see from his son's face, the truth was finally starting to set in. He had to tell him the rest, so he didn't wrongfully blame Emily anymore. Aaron was hoping it would also alleviate or absolve his son from any guilt he might feel later knowing he had jumped to the wrong conclusion.
"Emily tried to call after Scratch, she did, I just ignored her calls and eventually blocked her number. I talked to Dave once, and asked him to tell Emily not to try to contact you. That I needed to stay away from her, and the dangerous life we left. He tried to persuade me to come back and so did you Aunt, multiple times."
Jack couldn't believe what he was hearing. It didn't appear from Aunt Jess's and Uncle Dave's expressions like his father was joking or had made a grave mistake with what he was saying. That could only mean....... Emily had done nothing wrong and his father was the only one to blame.
Jack couldn't see straight with the revelation he had a little sister that would be around 5 years old now. And he missed knowing her for her whole life so far."But what about Grace, that means you knew about her and kept me away from my sister. What the hell, how could you do that to me, to her, to both of them."
Aaron hated knowing his son would never look at him the same way again, and that all the blame was his own. He sighed, trying to brace himself for telling him the rest. That while it couldn't diminish his culpability entirely, it was still the truth of the situation and lack of intent.
"Not exactly Jack, I didn't know Grace existed until last night when I went over to Emily's house. I was the one who cut her out of my life, I didn't give her a chance to tell me. I put all her letters in a box, I didn't want to read about how much I hurt Emily or how much she missed or loved us. I thought Emily was mad, because I left without saying goodbye. I asked for help and I didn't tell her the truth about Mr.Scratch. I left her alone to lead the team and fight him."
Aaron felt like he was scrambling, desperately trying to grasp at straws. He knew his rationalization for leaving and not contacting her again, sounded like a flimsy excuse and downright cowardly alibi. But at the time, he told himself he was ultimately still protecting his son. It had been the only way he could justify his actions towards Emily.
"All I allowed myself to care about was keeping you safe, even if that meant giving up Emily. I knew she was the only person I could trust to save us and stop Mr. Scratch. But I didn't give her a choice, I left her to deal with my problem on her own. And she didn't find out she was pregnant until we were already gone into hiding."
Aaron knew while he lacked the burden of proof in his favour, he could provide an abundance of evidence to demonstrate Emily had tried and always wanted them to be a family. And that they both needed to go easy on Emily and try to urge him not to intentionally do anything to hurt her further.
"Emily did nothing wrong Jack, and I promise I'm not trying to cover for her now. If you want when you're ready, you can read the letters she sent while we were gone. Both her and Jess told me she sent one a month, some with pictures, just trying to include us in everything. She always planned for us coming back, being a part of both their lives.
Jack could feel the tears burning his eyes, threatening to escape. He didn't know how to make sense of all the hate he had aimed towards a woman who had done absolutely nothing to deserve it. It hurt him to breathe, thinking about how scared and alone Emily must have felt. And how she had probably been worried sick about them the whole time, thinking she was the one who had done something wrong.
His father's voice broke through his thoughts."And Emily obviously wants you to know Grace, to be her big brother. That's all she ever wanted, for us to be a family. She thought we would come back after the danger was gone. It's my fault, even if I didn't know, I made the choice to stay away. And I've ruined everything, but please don't be mad at Emily."
Jack wanted to say 'No shit he wasn't angry with her anymore' He wanted to zone out, or tell his father to shut up, not sure how much more of his voice he could take. Jack had never felt such anger towards the man who had always been his inspiration and hero.
Aaron could tell his son was close to shutting him out. He needed to say a little bit more, before his son fully decided never to trust him again. "When we left, I couldn't stop picturing what happened before with your mom. I was so mad at myself, that my job put you in danger once more."
Aaron paused waiting for his son to look back at him for the next part. That way he knew how dire things were, and how genuine his remorse was.
"I knew what Mr.Scratch was capable of, he was more dangerous than George, and I couldn't forgive myself for leaving Emily to fix my problem. I was too weak and scared to go back after and have everyone angry at me, because I ran away from the fight. I couldn't face Emily, I was terrified she didn't love me anymore for putting her in danger."
Jack had never seen his father look so sad or contrite. It was obvious he was beating himself up, all on his own, his guilt eating away at him.
Aaron cleared his throat, trying to push down his emotions. "Emily was the only one smart enough, that I trusted to end the threat against us. I knew she would do anything to save us, even if that meant sacrificing herself in the end to do so. They lost an agent when they were stopping Mr.Scratch, a friend of Emily's."
Aaron shoulders dropped and he tore his gaze away from his son, before muttering the next few sentences.
"I promised myself and you, to treat you like an adult. You should know that monster also held Emily captive and tortured her. I didn't know this then, but it was only a few days after she gave birth to Grace. So I'm sure Emily was terrified because she didn't want our little girl to grow up without her mom."
It was easier for Aaron to let the anger take over, instead of the tears building. He wished he could sugar coat everything and keep it all from Jack. But now that he started, he couldn't stop letting the whole story pour out of him.
"I didn't even know that the bastard got his hands on her. But regardless of not knowing those details, I couldn't face Emily after, I hated myself for being responsible for putting her in the position I did. And I thought if I really loved Emily, I needed to let her go for good. That way I could never hurt her again, or let myself lose her like I lost your mom."
Aaron didn't know what else to say, nothing could ease the guilt he felt, or alter the outcomes of the mistakes he made.
"I know it can't change things now, but I promise you buddy, Emily never stopped loving you for a second. And she wants a chance to fix things between the two of you now, and for you to be a part of her's and Grace's lives. You can meet with her first and decide if you want, or we can play things by ear. But no one is going to force you into anything your not ready or comfortable with."
Jessica chose that moment to speak, knowing Jack wasn't sure if he could trust his father's words alone on the matter. "Your dad is telling the truth Jack, I promise. And when you're ready to see Emily or meet your little sister, we can both be there if you need. I already know you're going to absolutely love her, and you will be her best friend and favourite person in the whole world."
Jessica knew he should have been to worry further about the prospect of having anything in common to connect to his sister with."She's already good friends with Henry, Hank, and Michael, but you're her big brother. I know it's going to be exciting, frustrating, and weird at first. She might even annoy you sometimes, but I know you're going to love her and she already worships the ground you walk on."
Jessica hope the next bit would help her nephew and bring him some peace. To show him, he hadn't been forgotten, that Emily had always wanted him and missed him like crazy. And that they both mother and daughter would more than willingly accept him into their lives immediately.
"It's adorable Grace has pictures of you in her room, whenever she has a tea party she always puts her favourite one out, making sure she saves a seat for you. Emily has always told her about you, she even gave Grace the locket you gave her for her birthday. When she started school, Emily wanted Grace to have something special, that always connected her to her family."
"Gracie actually reminds me a lot of you, she is obsessed with monkeys, dinosaurs, and the zoo, just like you were at her age. But she also loves soccer, monkey bars, reading, Disney movies, tea parties, princesses, and baking."
"JJ is convinced she going to marry Michael, but Garcia is sure she is going to fall in love with Hank when she's older. Emily thinks they are both insane when they bicker about it, but she's pretty sure one of them is going to be right."
Jessica could see her nephew was still panicking, likely overwhelmed, unsure, and feeling guilty for something that wasn't his fault. She worried that her rambling on about Grace might not be helping him, only just further adding to his stress. But instead, he seemed to be captivated, hanging off of her every word. Jessica decided to go for broke, hoping Jack would undoubtedly be swayed on one front for now.
"Look buddy, I know it's going to be awkward for a bit seeing Emily again, but I promise you kid she loves you. Not a day goes by where she doesn't miss you. She takes Grace to pick out flowers every Sunday when she isn't working, and they go and visit your mom's grave. I go with Grace when she can't, and every year on Haley's birthday we share a picnic together there."
"Emily has told Grace hundreds of stories about you, she even let Gracie keep the stuffed monkey you won for Emily at your school's fair. Your sister only ever parts with it when her mom is sick and she tries to cheer her up. They have lots of pictures of both you and your dad, even a few of your mom around the house. Emily's done everything she can to include you and your father in Grace's life."
Jessica didn't know how he would react to the next bit. But, it would only help clarify that Emily wasn't unfaithful. And it would explain what he witnessed from that fateful video call, and help put both Hotchner boys at ease.
"And I promise you, Emily never cheated on your dad. Clyde did come down for a visit from Grace's baptism and also her birthday. Both times he stayed over in her guest room, ridiculously trying to convince Emily to return to England and take back her job at Interpol. But she refused to even consider it every time he asked, wanting to stay put for when you guys inevitably returned."
"You should know Clyde is also your sister's Godfather, I know because I was there with them the whole time, and I'm Gracie's Godmother. Emily didn't want to cause any hurt feelings by choosing between the team, so she chose me and Clyde. And I can promise nothing is going on between her and Clyde, I know this for sure because I'm actually engaged to him."
"We've been dating for almost 4 years now. It was hard doing the whole long distance relationship thing, but I will always be beyond thankfully Emily set us up. And now that you're back, I hope you are willing to get to know him. I want both you and your dad at my wedding when we finally get around to setting the date."
"I promise Jack Clyde's only ever been a friend to Emily, or like an annoying younger brother, even though he's older than her. He visits maybe once a month, sometimes more depending on his work. When you see the interactions of their friendship firsthand you'll understand. They fight like cats and dogs, but they've got each other's backs."
"And your little sister calls Clyde 'bunny', because of his last name. Now that she's a little older she added 'Uncle' to the moniker, and every time she says it, he pretends to be annoyed or embarrassed. It's hilarious how she has always had him completely wrapped around her finger, she can even get him to wear a tiara and paint his nails. And she loves how he is one of the few boys she can convince to come to her tea parties, besides Grandpa Dave over here ."
Jessica could see he was enraptured by what she was saying, but that he needed someone who wasn't his father to let him off the hook. He would internalize the guilt for not telling his father about that phone call for years. Jessica knew Emily was the only one who could really help him soothe the hatred and guilt towards himself, but he was scared to tell her.
Jessica was beyond certain Emily wouldn't judge Jack or blame him for a single second. If anything it would crush her heart to know a simple misunderstanding had cause him so much turmoil. She had no doubt Emily would wholeheartedly forgive Jack and help absolve his worries. But until he was ready to share it with her, Jess knew she needed to try and smooth things over and prove Emily loved him unconditionally.
"Not to hurt either of you, but Emily really thought you would both be back home soon. Most of the team thought it was unhealthy and delusional of her to believe that, but she held on hoping."
"Jack I get your upset, and you have every right to be hurt, angry, or however you feel about the situation. But none of us here will say anything about what you thought, from when you called her. But when you're ready, you should tell her yourself. Emily's the most forgiving person ever, I promise you, she's not even going to be a little bit angry with you. "
Dave piped in wanting to reinforce what was being said for Jack's sake, knowing his input could only help for this particular topic. "Your dad and Jess are absolutely right kiddo, Emily's always loved you, she never stopped. She even named your little sister after your mom, her full name is Grace Haley Rosslyn Hotchner. She knew it was a mouthful, but Emily wanted to name her after all the people who are most important to her."
"She toyed with using Haley as your little sister's first name, but she wanted Grace to be her own person, and she didn't want you to have the constant reminder every time you said her name."
Jessica smiled fondly, remembering how nervous Emily was back then, asking her if it was ok to name her daughter after Haley.
"Jack I know this is all alot to take in, it's all being thrown at you all at once. I talked to your dad earlier, while you were at breakfast. If you're mad at him and need some space, he promised me he would leave you be, or you're welcome to come stay with me for a few days."
"But, before you say yes, you should know I also live in Emily's guest house. We figured with me watching Grace and planning to eventually move in with Clyde, it made the most sense. And that way after you meet her, you can visit Grace whenever you want this week."
"I babysit her mostly after-school and whenever Emily needs to travel for work, so she's very comfortable and used to me. But if you're not ready or it's too much at any point, I know JJ and Will would love to invite you over for a sleepover with Henry. Plus you have Dave here who is on your side if you're more comfortable here for now."
Aaron decided he should reinforce what Jess was saying, knowing his son probably needed time to think, and have a little control and choice in if he needed some time and/or space from him.
"Your Aunt is right buddy, no one's going to force you, you're old enough to have some say in the decisions that involve you. I know Emily wants you there too, if your comfortable with that. She told me you're always welcome to stay with her when we come to visit. We all want to make this transition work."
"She really does want you to have a relationship with Grace, I know she also wants to repair her friendship and relationship with her. But she's not going to push you, you know how kind and understanding Emily is. She just wants what is best for you and your sister, and for you both to be happy and loved unconditionally."
Aaron knew he had to tell him this next part, so he didn't get his expectations up. Even if they couldn't find a way to back to each other, they would try to co-parent and be friends for the kids.
"Jack you should know though, before we get our hopes, that doesn't in any way mean though, that Emily and I are getting back together. She's pretty hurt because of my actions, and I'm not sure if she can find it in her heart to forgive me. I know she's heartbroken for every part of Grace's life we've missed being a part of. But she 100% blames me, not you."
"I still love Emily Jack, you know I never stopped. She wants me and her to work towards just being friends for now. All Emily is worried about is you and Grace and how this effects you both. She wants you to feel safe, loved, seen, and heard, and hopefully rebuild your bond. But I know she will be patient, she understands if you need time and space, if you're not ready to see her."
"If you're up for it though, Emily was hoping we could all go for a picnic in the park tomorrow, no pressure. And maybe depending on how that goes, dinner and a movie at her house. Then you can sleep over there, or in the guesthouse with Jess, or come back to Dave's with me."
It all sounded too good to be true to Jack. He missed Emily more than anything the last 5 years. Even when he was angry with her after, he knew he had still craved having her present in his life. And the little sister thing was an added bonus and absolutely the best news of his life. He had always wanted a younger sibling like Henry, someone to play and grow up with.
And as angry as he was with his dad at the moment, he wanted to stay at Dave's, he needed a little bit of time to think before he saw or met anyone else. He was worried about what to say to Emily, hoping he didn't spaz out and tell her about the Skype call because he was nervous.
"Dad, you promise Emily doesn't hate me, I've been so mad at her for years. I really thought she hurt you, and that's why we didn't come back. Please, don't tell her I thought she cheated on you, she will hate me forever."
Aaron leaned over to embrace his son, knowing he was on the verge of tears, because everything was hitting him all at once. "Hey buddy, it's ok, Emily could never hate you. Even if you ever disappoint her, she's always going to love you. She loves you just as much as she loves Grace, and nothing's ever going to change that."
"If you don't want to tell her what you thought that's fine. It was a misunderstanding, she wouldn't blame you, because it wasn't in any way your fault. And I swear on my favourite Beatles album Emily loves you and has missed you like crazy."
Jack chuckled at his dad's Beatles album analogy, knowing he was his lame attempt at a joke.
Aaron was glad his attempt to lighten the mood had its desires effect. He gave his son another big squeeze, pulling back to say the next bit to his face. "Jack, I know you always wanted to be a big brother, and I'm really sorry this all happened this way. You and Grace deserved to grow up together. I know you have a few more years before college and the rest of your lives, but I'm sorry you missed out on so much time already."
"And I know we just came down for your March Break, but I hope your ok if we discuss moving back soon. I want us to be able to spend as much time as we can with both Grace and Emily. You can help me pick a house or apartment and we can find a school nearby for you."
He could see Jack ready to speak and cut him off. "I'm not going to rush you on any of this, but I want you to have some say in these decisions. Your old enough to have some choice in this. I know it will suck packing everything up and moving."
Jack spoke next, rolling his eyes at his father's ridiculous rambling and wanted to get him to stop. "Woah dad stop, I get it. I know you don't want to be away from either of them, now we know, and I feel the same way. But we can talk about that later, maybe after I've had a chance to meet my sister first."
Aaron smiled seeing Jack was genuinely happy and meant what he said about wanting Emily Grace in his life. Nothing else mattered for now, as long as his son was on board.
"You're right, we don't have to rush anything right now. I'm sure we can find a way to make everything work out eventually for everyone, and that we are on the same page going forward."
Time After Time - Chapter Nine - It Was Not Your Fault But Mine
The full story can be found here. This probably won't make any sense unless you've read previous chapters.
An Archive of Our Own, a project of the
Organization for Transformative Works
He nervously waited, knowing rightfully so Emily might need more time, and he had to give her that if she did. He couldn't force her hand on this, on something so important, that she had full control of.
Jessica returned 15 minutes later, having shut herself into Dave's study for some privacy for her phone call to Emilly.
He didn't hear Jessica return, it wasn't until she repeated his name for the third time that he realised she had finished her conversation with Emily.
"Emily said she would call soon. She was cooking breakfast when I called. She promised after they've eaten and she can settle Grace into watching her favourite Saturday morning cartoons, she will call."
"Until then, I thought maybe we could talk a little more. Maybe, I could also tell you a bit about your daughter, I think that's a relatively safe neutral topic."
"Please Jess, I would love that, I can't wait to officially meet her, I only got to see her and hear her talk for a few moments."
"First before we talk about Grace, like I said, I promise I will be there for Jack, and help make this transition easier for him if my presence helps. But, I won't betray Emily, I know you are a good person Aaron Hotchner, but I'm in her corner. Not that she needs anyone to protect her, but I will defend her honour if I need to."
"Cause you screwed up big time buddy, you need to do everything you can to fix this. I know Emily loves Jack just as unconditionally as she does Grace. Haley would be happy knowing her son has the kind of family she always wanted to give him."
Aaron piped in,"I think Haley really liked Emily, I know they didn't have a chance to really get to know each other, but they seemed like fast friends, gossiping and giggling whenever they saw each other. Emily also told me Haley asked her to look after me, when they were in WITSEC. I think she knew way before I did that I had feelings for Emily."
Jessica chuckled, knowing Aaron had been absolutely clueless. "Oh she definitely did, she told me once months after your divorce, that she knew Emily was the one for you. Mind you, she was completely sober at the time when she came to the realization. She didn't think you were anything but faithful to her when you guys were married, but she knew Emily was from your world and understood you in ways she couldn't."
Jessica couldn't stop herself from revealing part of the last conversation she had with her sister. "I probably should have told you this sooner, but, I don't know how Haley knew, but they let her call me right before she had to disappear. She told me she knew you would be ok because you had Emily looking out for you. And God forbid if anything happened to her, she knew Emily would get you and Jack through it and help you both learn to smile again."
Jessica couldn't stop the immediate tears welling in her eyes, that fell with the next words she spoke. "I just, I love them both so much. Being a part of their lives has helped heal my heart a little. I still miss Haley everyday, but I know how it feels to be happy again. I want that for you and Jack too."
"Aaron you have to promise me, you wont do anything to screw this up, because, we both know Emily's it for you. And I'm not going to get in the middle and smooth things over if you rush Emily. She's been hurt enough by you, you need to listen to what she wants and needs from you. For now, just be Gracie and Jack's dad, and try to be Emily's friend. The rest will work itself out, I know you can eventually find your place together again."
He was sure and steady in his feelings now, he hoped his words conveyed that. "Jess I want that too, and I know Emily's the one. I think a part of me has always known, even back when I was too stubborn to admit it to myself. I'm going to do everything in my power to make this work. But, you're right, as usual, she needs time and I can't afford to make anymore decisions for her."
Jess wiped away the stray tears that had escaped. "Good, that's what I like to hear. And I won't make any promises, but I also twisted Emily's arm a little, about maybe letting you and Jack stay in her guest house, while you figure out more long-term concrete plans. It might make things easier having you and Jack so close by for Grace to get to know."
"I'm certain Emily wants you and Jack to have a relationship with Grace. She's not going to forbid you from seeing your daughter. But you have to let her be in shock, to scream, yell, cry, deal with this however she sees fit. You don't get to rush her, she's entitled to make this hard for you."
"Just let her be the overprotective mama bear. You don't get to be angry with her, or take out your frustrations with her. And you definitely don't get to insinuate yourself back into their lives like you have every right to them. Don't rush this, it's going to all work out if you give it the care, attention and time it needs."
Aaron smirked, he had always been rather fond of seeing Emily stand up for others."Emily loves fiercely, I have no doubt I will see her protective side frequently in the coming months. I know I don't deserve her, either of them really. But their mine and I never stopped loving Emily for a second, she was always on my mind."
Jessica hesitated saying the next bit, not sure if it was entirely her place to say. "For what it's worth, I know deep down she still loves you too, but I'm not sure that's enough, or if she can even forgive you. But, don't ever stop trying to win her back, I know you're the love of her life, and she's yours. You just need to be patient and listen, and let her find her footing first."
Aaron knew Jessica was right on all counts, it would be hard to be patient, but he needed to. "For her, I'm willing to wait forever if that's what it takes. Life doesn't make sense without her, I will accept my role in her life in whatever capacity she will have me. I can't live without her."
Jessica couldn't help smiling knowing they had a real chance of making things work. She was excited for them, and was sure she had gotten her point across. She was happy to move on to other topics, like Grace, certain the Hotchner boys were going to absolutely adore her niece.
"Ok enough of us being all doom and gloom, we both need a dose of cheer, what would you like to know about your daughter?"
Aaron's eyes lit up, he had endless questions he could bombard her with."Anything, everything, whatever your willing to share. Why don't you just start telling me about her and we will start there?"
There was so much she could say about her niece, she didn't know where to start. "It's safe to say for a while it was like Emily lost her shine, Gracie was the only thing that could really make her smile. It's always been obvious to anyone who sees them together, Emily's heart beats for that sweet little angel. God, she has always been the most loving, devoted, and perfect mother."
"The bond she has with Grace can't be broken, that little girl absolutely worships her mother. Aaron, I'm just elated for you and can't wait for you to have this chance to finally know your daughter. She's going to have you wrapped around her finger in no time, mark my words."
Aaron piped in enthralled by everything he was hearing. "I already love her, and if she's anything like her mother, which I imagine she is, I am certain she will have both myself and Jack ready to do her bidding in no time."
Jess couldn't help nodding in agreeance. "It's hard not to immediately fall in love just looking at that little cherub face. Those chubby cheeks and big brown expressive eyes. She mesmerizes everyone she meets, regardless of the walk of life they come from. Grace, she's the sweetest, most intelligent, well behaved little girl. She reminds me quite a bit of how Jack was at that age, especially with her never ending curiosity. "
"She's got a wild streak sometimes though, and can be absolutely fearless. Also her imagination, introspection, and empathy, know no bounds. She's definitely taken more than a few grown men down a peg or two with her sass and wit."
Aaron chuckled along with Jess at that, already knowing exactly where she inherited her personality and temperament from.
"She's 100% the mini version of her mom. Seriously her thirst for knowledge is unparalleled, she even speaks four languages already. Not that Emily's pushed it on her, Grace just loves to read and learn. It's the cutest thing watching her learn new words and converse with Emily. She truly is her mother's daughter through and through."
"Emily made arrangements when Grace was born, so doesn't travel out of town much anymore for work. But, anytime she has to leave for a case, she leaves Gracie the sweetest little love notes for her to decipher, with whatever language and grammar skills they are practicing. It helps distract Grace from missing Emily and they are constant reminders for her that she's beyond loved."
Aaron could feel his heart bursting with pride, having always known Emily was meant to be a mom. Ever since the case with Carrie Ortiz, he knew it was a secret dream she harboured, one she never thought she would have for herself. Once they got together, he learned even more so why it was so important to her.
He knew regardless, Emily was always afraid of turning out like her mother. Even then he thought it was mind boggling that she worried about something that couldn't be further from the truth. He had no doubt even when Grace was grown, she would always want and need Emily in her life.
He knew she loved Jack like he was her own, but he knew to some extent it was different getting to experience every part of a child's life. He hated knowing he had missed the whole pregnancy and the moment their little girl took her first breath. Timing wise, he knew that couldn't have been necessarily avoided, but every part he missed after, that was his fault.
Once more, Jessica's words broke him out of his inner musings."There's no doubt she's your daughter though too. Sometimes when something really stumps her, she gets this look of concentration, her expression and the way her eyebrows furrow, it's 100% you. And when she's angry, she goes dead silent and god, she does your glare. It's literally the most adorable thing I've ever seen."
The ringing of his phone interrupted Jessica from saying more. She immediately got up to afford Aaron privacy for conversation he was about to have. She decided to prepare coffee, tea, and breakfast for them both, to occupy her time productively until the call ended.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
He almost dropped the phone when he noticed the number he had long ago memorized by heart, appearing on his cellphones display.
"Hey."
There wasn't much for him to glean from her succinct greeting. He suspected her choice to refrain from utilizing his name was simply a defence mechanism she was using to distance herself. He knew he could already be reading too much into the one word she'd spoken, but he liked to think he still knew her.
"Hey Em, I wasn't sure you'd actually call." He kept his tone light and jovial, hoping to put her at ease. Her next words reminded him he was the one on trial not her, and doubting her in anyway wasn't going to win him any points.
"I said I would be in contact. I'd have come over, but my little monkey is super clingy today. I also didn't want to spring my presence on Jack. I wasn't sure when him and Dave would be back from breakfast, if he would want to see me, or if it was even appropriate."
God Aaron loved her, and he had missed her nervous ramblings. But he knew she only really did it when she felt vulnerable. And he hated that she could ever think Jack could possibly hate her or not want to see her.
But, she didn't know Jack had mentioned her everyday for the duration they were in WITSEC, constantly bringing up ideas for plans they could do when they saw her next. Or how he'd animatedly retell his favourite memories featuring her, whenever something reminded him of her.
Aaron always calmly listened, truly interested in just how much his son loved and missed Emily. He had noticed Jack slowly stopped mentioning her, when they moved after they were in the clear. He probably came to the realization they weren't going back, and at the time Aaron had taken Jack's response as a blessing in disguise. His own heart couldn't take the constant reminders of Emily.
Now, he hadn't heard is son utter her name in years. He hated knowing he had taken away the only other woman who had loved Jack, just as his own mother had.
Aaron was glad to see Emily had the forethought to think of his son's feelings, just as she had always done so before. He truly didn't know how his son would have reacted to seeing her, and he would have hated her having false hope, if their interaction hadn't been positive.
He was broken out of his thoughts by her next words knowing he had paused too long without an appropriate response. "But, you should know by now I'm a woman of my word. If I say I'm going to do something, I follow through. It hasn't even been an hour since Jess called. And even if she hadn't prompted me to contact you, I would have done so eventually on my own accord."
Aaron could hear the growing spite in her words, knowing she was on the edge and her patience for him was already worn thin. And with the awkward silence that followed her previous statement, that she was just as nervous as him, if not more so.
And that, even if she held all the power and cards in their current situation, ultimately she was deeply hurt because of his choices. Whether he liked it or not, he was the cause of her pain and couldn't let her words rile him up too. It would be counterproductive for him to choose a passive aggressive response, so he tried for a more peaceful approach.
"Emily you're right, Jess said you would call, and you've always kept your promises before. I know we are both on edge, but I don't want us to fight. Not like this, over the phone. I'm not delusional, just because you called, I know it doesn't mean we're okay, and everything suddenly magically alright."
Emily could hear the sincerity in his voice, glad to know he wasn't making excuses. Instead it seemed he put serious care and thought into this. For Grace and Jack's sake alone, she knew she couldn't simply write him off, they deserved to have their family.
"I get it, I don't want to fight either, this is all just really hard for me. I mean you just suddenly showed up on my front door without any warning. I need to know, what is it you want or expect from me?"
"I want to officially meet Grace, and for me and Jack to be a part of her life. Jack doesn't know about his little sister yet. Jess said she would stay for a bit to help me tell him when him and Dave return. But, I already know he's going to absolutely love her, he's always wanted to have a sibling."
She hated how cheery and nonchalant he seemed. It grated on her nerves, his behaviour bordering on his expectation that he had any right to see the child she raised all alone without him. The one he hadn't bothered to ever check up on before, not even in passing. And now he suddenly basically demanded the chance to fulfill the role he so easily shirked before.
The excitement and joy in his tone irked her. What gave him the right after all these years to finally show up and expect to just be granted access to her daughter like he had any right. Sure legally and biologically he might be considered Grace's father, but aside from her conception, he had, had no part in her life thus far.
And hated being reminded that Jack should have had half a decade of memories made with his little sister already. Emily had always known he was meant to be a big brother. She still remembered feeling her ovaries quiver watching how sweet, loving, and adorable Jack was with Henry.
Especially when Henry was too little to do the same things Jack could, the older boy always patiently accommodated his friend. Looking out for him and protecting him, just as he would have done for Grace had he been given the chance to know her sooner.
"Oh so now you want to be in her life. You've already missed so much, it's been over five years, why now? I always wanted you and Jack in her life she deserved to grow up with her father and big brother."
"Em, I know you're not going to want to believe me, but I....I.."
He couldn't stop the stutter or the sob that followed with his next words. "I didn't know about her. I'm an fucking idiot ok, I didn't read the letters you wrote. I couldn't bear to open them. They are sitting unopened in a box, in my closet, back in our house in Williamsburg."
Words she could barely process or pack, because it hurt too much knowing maybe he hadn't known. Emily could feel her anger deflate with his emotional display. She knew from the fact he didn't try to hide his tears, he was desperate, but ultimately genuine in his words.
A resulting sniffle on her end could be heard, followed by a slow and steady deep breath. Her voice still shook and sounded almost meek in comparison to what it had been.
"I want so badly to believe you, to take you at your word about this. But, I didn't just write letters, I called, text, and emailed, I tried. You had ample opportunity to find out the truth and come back. I don't know what to believe anymore."
He could hear the fight in her voice deflate, leaving her with vulnerability and devastation. Yet, he knew she was trying to muster the courage and strength to compartmentalize and keep her mask in place. He hated that he was no longer entitled to see the woman hiding behind the mask. That he lost that right when he left her.
"You know me Em. I'm still the same person, do you really think had I known I would have left her. You know how much I love Jack and being a father."
Emily felt the sting of his words, and her blood boiled. "Good to know she would have been enough to come back for, had you known."
The moment the words had left his mouth, he had known she was going to misread his statement. But, before he could clarify and allay her doubts, she had already responded, her vulnerabilities shining through.
He didn't know how he would address all her fears, especially since he had given them even more merit. She had been the one person who had shown up for him time and time again, always having his back, proving he wasn't alone. It was more than that though, it was the way she had always believed in him when he couldn't believe in himself.
Aaron knew she had her own issues of trust and self worth as long as he had known her. And that his actions, had probably only proven to her, on her own, she wasn't incentive enough for him to return for. And now he was staying out of a sense of responsibility for Grace.
"Emily, no it's not like that, please don't misinterpret my words. You were enough, you were always enough, I'm the one who wasn't good enough for you. I would have and should have come back for you, I made a huge mistake, and I know I'm too late, but I still want a chance to fix it."
He hadn't been there when she needed him most, he knew now she would always hesitate to trust him. That the niggling doubt he created would always live in the back of her mind coming out at the most inconvenient times. He didn't think she would never be able to wholeheartedly believe him again. It would make proving his love for her next to impossible now.
At this point, there was no doubting the emotion and tears straining both their voices. They were both hurting and desperate and hurt, just wanting what was best for their kids. Emily was the one who broke the short stalemate that settled over them. She tried her best to sound calm, collected, and in control.
"You understand I can't just let her meet you, if you're randomly going to leave again. Just like you have to protect Jack, she's my main responsibility. I won't let you hurt or disappoint my daughter. If this is some temporary thing, or a you and Jack visit once or twice a year situation, I can't involve her."
Aaron was frustrated, but he knew she was absolutely right. Putting his intentions out there couldn't simple allay her worries and fears. It would take time, she needed to see him show up for her and Grace from now on, especially when it mattered most. He just hoped he could be half the parent she turned out to be in his absence.
Seeing Grace the night before, the one thing that was blatantly obvious was the instinctual bond she shared with her mother. One built sheerly on unconditional and altruistic love for one another. They were each other's whole world, he just hoped himself and Jack could find their place with them without too many trials and tribulations.
He knew he had caused enough heartbreak with his absence, he couldn't afford hurting his family anymore with his presence. And while it probably wasn't worth much, he needed to Emily to know how proud and appreciative he was for everything she accomplished without him. The most important being voicing his awestruck wonder at her superlative parenting skills.
"Your absolutely right Emily, and I know you, I have no doubt you have done an amazing job raising her on your own. That precious little girl wants for nothing, I saw her, how happy she is just having her mom, and how much she loves you. I'm in this for the long haul, I don't want to hurt her, or you ever again."
53 seconds passed before she quietly spoke again. Her words and obvious uncertainty squeezing his already aching heart. "You really didn't know about her? Because, I swear I tried. I would have driven to see you if I'd known. But at the time, I couldn't handle the possibility of you rejecting me in person too."
Emily could hear the strongest man she had ever known sob on the other end of the phone. "I know you tried, and I was an asshole for not picking up the phone any of the times you called. But, I seriously didn't know honey, and I hate myself for it. I'd be happy to drive back to Williamsburg and get all those sealed letters to show you, if it would give you peace of mind, so you'll believe me."
Some small part of Emily wanted so badly to insist he do just that, but she knew it wouldn't change anything now. The hopeful words written by her past self, couldn't make up for all the lost time. Now they were simply a time capsule of her thoughts and feelings of the love they once shared.
If he hadn't read them before, she wasn't sure she wanted him to read them now. It would be cruel for him and humiliating for her, to have her private thoughts see the light of day, after everything that happened. Emily considered asking for them back unopened, not sure she was ready to share the vulnerabilities of that part of her life with him anymore.
That was a decision she would have to let herself sleep on. She didn't know if it would help or hurt more to let him read them now. To allow him to keep such intimate and vulnerable secrets in his possession. All her hopes and dreams for them that were never fulfilled. She wasn't sure she was ready to address that period of her life and the aftermath of Scratch.
For now she knew in the grand scheme of things, the contents of her letters should be the least of her worries. She wasn't that person anymore, and she refused to let herself get lost in her feelings of the past. Her daughter was her present and future and all that mattered to her right now.
"I'll give you the benefit of the doubt for now. But, I just, I need to know your intentions, before you meet her. I don't want to get her hopes up and disappoint her. It's not fair to her, because she dreamed of meeting you both her whole life. So if you don't plan on being a permanent figure in her life, I need to know now, before you see her."
"I won't abandon our daughter, I want to spend as much time with her as you are willing to allow. I want to be her dad and be a part of her life full-time. And I want her and Jack to have a friend and sibling for life. I want a chance to do right by you and our children."
"And I get it if you aren't comfortable leaving me alone with Grace for the time being. I won't argue if you need to be present for visits or have one of the team with us at all times. Until you're comfortable with other arrangements, I will concede control to you and play by whatever rules you see fit."
He briefly hesitated for a second before saying the rest, knowing it might overwhelm her. Or worse, she wouldn't believe the truth conveyed in what she saw as words filled with empty promises and niave hopes.
"I also want to see you too Emily, and repair what I broke. But, I understand if you're not ready for that, I'm willing to wait as long as it takes. I hope we can at least find a way to be on friendly terms and spend time with the four of us altogether like a family."
Emily wasn't ready to sort and hash out any notions of romantic feelings, not when she was filled with such turmoil. Whatever she did or did not feel for him anymore, had to be placed on the back burner. She couldn't let it be a priority, she needed to focus on Grace and Jack.
"I was never going to keep her from you and Jack, I want Grace to know her family. It would probably be beneficial to both kids, for the four of us to all hang out together sometimes. But, I don't want to confuse them, or give them false hope that you and I will be a couple again. We need to focus on the kids, that's what matters."
"And you're right, I'm not sure how I feel about her being left alone in your care for the foreseeable future. It's not that I don't trust you with her, but my heart and mind are both wary given your recent track record. I know it's not rational, but I need to protect my daughter and make sure she can adjust to this change first."
"So, until Gracie is settled and fully comfortable with you and Jack, I think it's best either myself, Jess, or one of the team accompanies you with her. I know it's not ideal, but she doesn't know you, even with everything I told her over the years, you both are essentially strangers to her. I just I need to protect her and put her needs first."
Aaron could hear the fight reignite in her words, not wanting her to get worked up. But he knew for all intents and purposes she was right, about everything. And she was entitled to feel however she needed to, without giving him rationale. He hated the obvious stress she was under from the turmoil he had put her in.
"Em you don't owe me an explanation, but your right. The kids need to be put first, especially Grace, because she's not old enough to understand everything. It's going to be an adjustment for everyone, but I'm willing to do whatever I need to, to make this work."
His words were a start, but ultimately did nothing to fully reassure her or address the extent of her concerns. She needed to know just how serious he was about this, how much of a commitment he was ready to make. What he was willing to sacrifice to show he meant all the things he said.
"In her phone call to me, Jess said she wasn't entirely sure about your living arrangements, or if you had any plans to actually move back. She just mentioned you guys were down for March Break. Hotch I know it's fast, but I need to know if you intended to stay living in Williamsburg or if you're considering the option of moving back to town."
She had every right to know these details, but at the moment everything was up in the air. It also wasn't a conversation he meant to have over the phone. He wanted to have a deeper discussion with her before he left, without the kids present to bear witness if things got ugly and messy. He hoped when they really talked, it could be an open and brutally honest dialogue, where they had a chance to get everything important off their chests.
He had no doubt it would be a convoluted maze full of unforeseen twist and turns. That he wouldn't like everything he uncovered, and most of it would likely only cause him undue pain and heartache. And that getting her to open up would be hard, because she no doubt changed the locks and set up barricades and walls to keep him out.
He was holding out hope that one day they would get there. Even if it took months, years, decades or the rest of his life. When it no longer caused her pain to hear his voice. When he could leave her, and she could finally believe him without question, that he would come back.
"Em, we should probably talk soon and in person. Now that I know about her, I'm not going anywhere. I mean yes, I will have to go back to Williamsburg by to pack our things and sort a few things out. But, we are moving back, once I tell Jack about Grace, I know he will understand and agree. He's been begging me for years to visit everyone."
"Ideally I want us to move back tomorrow, but logically it probably makes more sense to wait until the summer. So Jack can finish out his school year without disruption, and so I have time to find a place for us to live. Worst case, I'm sure we can impose on Dave and stay with him when schools out until we can get settled back here."
He hated thinking about all the days inbetween he would miss until they were all living in the same city. But he planned to arrange scheduled phone calls/Skyping for every night and morning he could to fill the gaps in the interim.
"Until then, we can come up every weekend, and video chat on weekdays. We are only 2.5 hours away by car. It's not a perfect solution, but I'm willing to put whatever time and effort I can. If we leave every Friday when Jack gets out of school we can be here in time for dinner. And I don't care how early I need to get up and leave on Mondays to get Jack back in time for school. He can always sleep in the car, if it will give me a few extra hours to spend with you guys, it will be worth it."
Being the boss gave her control over her schedule, and she kept on top of her paperwork after Grace went to bed. Since she cut back on her role travelling with the team, she typically had Saturdays and Sundays off.
It would cut into her time with Grace, the weekends were usually spent having mother daughter time. Some days they would lounge around cuddling all day in their pajamas, building forts, having tea parties, watching movies, and playing games.
But, it made her pulse race hearing how passionately and enthusiastically he spoke about making time for them in his life. That he actually wanted to spend every second feasible with them. Weekends would be a good trial period until a more permanent arrangement could be made.
"It's ok if you stay here if you need to. I know Jess mentioned letting you guys stay in the guest house at my place. I'm not opposed to using that as a temporary solution for you and Jack, so you can be close by for Grace. It's not as big as Dave's mansion by any means, but it has two bedrooms, a bathroom, and kitchenette."
"We would love that, but I don't want you to feel obligated or uncomfortable. It's your home and I appreciate the offer, but we should put a pin on that idea until everyone is more settled and had a chance to meet."
In reality, he wanted nothing more than to take her up on her offer, anything that would allow him to be near his girls and see them as often as possible. But, he was trying to put her at ease, taking her feelings into account, making sure she knew he was going slow and steady for her sake.
She internally winced, feeling stupid for putting the offer out there. "You're right, we shouldn't rush anything. I know I myself probably will need some time to adjust to everything. I uh, took the week off to spend time with Grace, so we can make plans if you guys have some time in your schedule for the week."
"I'm sure I can speak for us both, we would love to spend is much time with you and Grace as we possibly can. I'm beyond excited to get to know her and I know Jack will be too, once I tell him."
"You can officially meet her tomorrow if you guys want. But, if Jack needs time to adjust, I won't force her on him. I refuse to let her be a pawn and get hurt if I can help it. Not that I think Jack would ever intentionally hurt his little sister, but he might need time to wrap his head around things."
Aaron knew Emily adored his son, and wasn't in anyway trying to offend him. "You're absolutely right Emily, thank you for always taking his feelings into account. I'll talk to him when he gets back from breakfast with Dave. If he's amendable to the idea, we are game for whatever my girls would like to do."
Their conversation was going so well, but he knew from her sharp intake of breath, she heard his possessive slip of tongue, and it wasn't going to go over well with her.
"I'll let you slide on that hiccup, because you promised not to push me on the topic of us. Please try to refrain from referring to me as yours in any way, especially infront of the kids."
In his mind and heart, she never stopped being his. Aaron couldn't help himself, but to keep the peace he immediately apologized, trying to smooth her ruffled feathers.
"Emily, I'm sorry, I just felt familiar and at ease with you, like before. I'll do my best make sure it doesn't happen again. Just know you have my whole heart, there hasn't been anyone else, and there won't be."
He couldn't stop himself for including that last bit, knowing it needed to be said. He had to at least try to show her his true intentions, so she knew with certainty nothing had changed for him. He wasn't trying to push, he just needed to make it clear where he stood.
"Aaron, I don't think you can't fix what you broke. I'm really not sure if we can ever get back to that place, or if I can ever risk my heart on you again. Not that I'm sure you ever gave my heart back when you left. So, please don't make this harder for me."
Hearing her say his name again should have made him overjoyed. But, Aaron could hear her quietly, almost silently sobbing, trying to muffle her tears. He was about to try to comfort her, when he heard the sweet, angelic voice that haunted his dreams the night before ring out in the background.
"Mommy why are you crying? Who is on the phone? Did some big meanie hurt your feelings? Do you need a hug mommy? I don't want you to be sad. "
Emily set the phone down, knowing he could wait. She discreetly wiped what tears she could before facing her daughter. She opened up her arms and Grace jumped into them with practised ease. Yet her grip tightened feeling something off about her mom's demeanor, holding on to her for dear life hoping she was ok.
"Hey baby it's ok sweetie. Mommy's fine, nothing's wrong, I promise. Can you please go back to the living room and pick out a movie to watch. Mommy is going to finish her conversation, and I'll come find you in 10 minutes. And then we can both wash our hands together and bake some cookies."
Emily had known the mention of a movie and baking, would work to immediately distract her little girl. Just like her mama, she had a sweet tooth and a love of all things homemade. Grace cheered, nuzzling her mother's cheek.
"Ok mommy, but we hafta make lots so we can share with Aunt Jessie when she gets back. She deserves a treat too."
Emily chuckled, knowing while Grace would no doubt save some for her aunt, but she would also con said woman into sharing her portion with her. Emily planned to hide some, and make some of Jack's favourite peanut butter cookies while she was at it.
"Sure baby, sounds good, we will make lots. If you want to be a big help you can grab the recipe book and the big bowl out of the cupboard."
Emily could feel her daughter wiggling about in anticipation of endless warm, sweet treats. She carefully set the little girl down knowing she'd immediately run off to prepare, just as her mother asked.
She didn't expect her daughter to stop at the doorway of her office and turn back. But it warmed her heart hearing her daughter's "Ok mommy, but hurry please, I missed you."
Emily could stop herself from walking towards the light of her life and kissing her forehead. She knew she was beyond lucky to have the most empathetic little girl on the planet. "I'll be speedy monkey, you better go get those things ready, I promise, I'll be there before you know it."
Emily waited before she could no longer hear Grace's little foot steps race to complete her tasks. Emily cautiously picked up the phone, feeling both awkward and relieved from Grace's interruption. Her daughter had given her the perfect out to wrap up their sensitive discussion to be had at a later date.
"Well you heard the boss. I have to go. But, if you want we can meet at the park tomorrow for a picnic. And maybe dinner and movie after, depending how things go. I mean as long as you don't have any other plans."
Aaron cleared his throat, having been distracted and lost in thought hearing his sweet little girl interact with her mother. It took him a second to realise Emily was now talking to him.
"No. Sorry I mean we have no plans. That sounds perfect. Do you need me and Jack to pick up any food or bring anything?"
Emily considered accepting his offer, but she knew she had everything they needed for a picnic in her kitchen.
"Well I know what Grace likes. And I used to know what you and Jack like, unless things have changed." She paused, knowing she had already made it awkward.
"No, Nothings changed Em." He paused briefly, hoping she picked up on the deeper meaning. "We will happily consume whatever you bring. Just if you think of anything you need from me, please text me, it's no bother."
"Ok. Can you maybe let me know later how things go with Jack. I don't want to put Jess in an uncomfortable position. I know she's nervous enough about seeing him."
"I can definitely do that Emily. You better go, before you keep our little princess waiting too long. I promise I'll call later. Well I'll shoot you a text first in case your busy but I swear I'll call."
"Okay, I'll hold you to that then."
"Okay. I'll talk to you soon Em."
"Bye for now then I guess."
"Bye." He so badly wanted to add I love you with his farewell, but knew that wouldn't go over well. It was both much too soon and too late for such declarations.
Time After Time Chapter 8 - Take All The Courage You Have Left
Once he saw who it was, Aaron was less worried about how their conversation would go. If anything he knew he should have expected her to come around. They hadn't had a chance to speak or clear the air and Aaron knew he owed anyone else an explanation it was her.
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"Oh hey Jess, I'm glad to see you. Unfortunately you've missed Jack, if you want to wait to see him Dave took him out for breakfast."
Jessica simply waved off the news Jack wasn't currently there, she had specifically wanted to see Aaron first and talk, before she got her chance to reunite with Jack.
"I knew they were out, Dave texted me. Obviously I'd love to see my nephew, I'd say the reunion is long overdue. But, I also came here to see you, to see how your doing. And maybe knock some sense into you, if Dave hasn't done so already."
Aaron felt nervous knowing she had the foresight to visit when his son was out of hearing distance. It seemed everyone was cahoots, he worried too many people would try to get involved in his business with Emily before he had a chance to sort things out on his own.
Thankfully, much like Dave, Jessica had never been the type to beat around the bush, but she knew how to keep a level head and tread lightly on the more delicate and sensitive issues. Aaron knew for his sake it was better to get ahead and come right out, knowing she would force him to talk regardless.
He knew he could trust her opinion, she had always been fair and discreet when him and Haley fought. "To be honest, I probably should have expected your visit, I'm sorry I left in a hurry and we never got a chance to talk. I've got to say it was quite the shock seeing you there last night. But, I have to say the bigger surprise was learning I have daughter."
"I'm still trying to wrap my head around around that fact, it doesn't feel completely real yet. I was so worried when I woke up today, I'd find out it was some hallucination or dream."
"After I left, the few times we talked you never mentioned Emily, or Grace, not even in passing. I didn't even know I had a daughter, or that Emily was pregnant. If you had told me about Grace I would have come back. I never would have let Emily go through that alone."
He could see the way she tensed at his words, her defensive stance winding up. Knowing she was going to give him the earful he deserved, putting him in his place, just as she always had before.
"You don't get to blame me, Emily, or anyone else for that matter. This wasn't some big conspiracy against you Aaron, we all wanted you and Jack to come back when it was safe. Emily wanted you to have a choice, you made the decision to stay away. Nobody forced that on you, so don't act all 'woe is me'."
"No one lied to you, in fact anyone you may have contacted would have tried to convince you to come back. So, you don't get to point fingers at Emily or be mad at her. She tried to contact you numerous times, she wanted nothing more than to have you and Jack in both her and Grace's life."
"No one even remotely blames you for what that monster did, especially not Emily. We were all just worried and scared for your safety while it was happening. We all understood your choice to protect Jack through it all. Even the part about you leaving the BAU and FBI entirely to give him a normal life."
"But, you didn't have to leave for good without a word. These people are your family and friends, they were never just your coworkers. You owed it to me and them to come back after, even if it was just to say goodbye."
"And Aaron, about Grace, I wanted to tell you, but it wasn't entirely my place. It was Emily's choice and I made her a promise. You refused to listen when I pleaded with you to come back, how many times did I tell you that you would regret staying away one day. You made your choice and I won't let you blame me, Emily or anyone else for that. "
"And just so you know, this whole time she thought you knew about Grace's existence, well still thinks you did for that matter. I'll let you be the one to explain that bit to her though, she honestly needs to hear the truth from you."
"She obviously knows I'm here, she encouraged it actually. She knew I needed closure and you needed a friend. Emily also wanted to make sure you were ok, as angry as she was last night's, she was still worried about you."
"But, I'm not going to play messenger or go between, you both need a chance to really talk. I'd say just stop by her house, but you've already ambushed her once this week and I'm not sure she's ready to have you on her turf. If I were you, I'd let her come to you, I'd be happy to hang out Jack and have Dave stay with Grace."
"Or vice versa for that matter, I'd take on both kids, but I'm assuming you haven't told Jack yet. I'm sure once Jack's had a chance to meet his little sister, he's going to want to spend whatever time he can getting to know her."
"And I willing to be here for him, for you both, when you tell him about Gracie. I want to support Jack and help him adjust to this news. He knows me, I want to be here for him as an ally if he doesn't take it well, or needs space from you. I'm hoping I can make it easier for you both, and that you can find a way to fix this."
"And like I said, while I'm not willing to get in between you and Emily, I already promised her I'd help both kids with the transition. I don't think it will take much for Grace to adapt to things, she's easygoing, and Emily's mini me. She's resilient and takes change in stride typically with nothing but the sense of excitement."
"Plus she's always wanted to meet you. I mean considering Emily's shown her videos and they have pictures of you and Jack throughout their home. Grace has kown about you both basically her whole life, Emily never tried to hide anything. They even buy you gifts for holidays, and have cake on your birthdays, ready in case you came home one day."
"Its fair to say Emily's obviously really upset right now, and I don't blame her, because you left me too. You took the most important connection I had to my big sister and that hurt me in ways you can't take back. But for her, it was like her world was ending, she understood you needing a lifestyle change from the BAU, but she honestly thought you'd come back to and for her. "
Jessica broke eye contact, feeling her anger and confidence waiver as the wave of hurt and vulnerability caught up to her. She debated saying more, not sure how much she should actually share. But, she wanted to give him a clear view of the effect his choices and actions caused. And to do that, she had to give him something to go on, without breaking Emily's confidence.
"It was a scary and trying enough time for her being a new mom, but it was more than that. I know I shouldn't be telling you this, but you probably could have guessed, she wasn't the same after Peter Lewis took her."
"Physically she was pretty much fine, but mentally and emotionally she had us all worried. I mean no one can always be that okay, she was the pillar of strength and perfection everyone needed. Even when the news hit you weren't coming back, she supported everyone else and kept her promise to keep them altogether."
"For a long while we all thought you'd come back, held on hoping probably longer than we should have. But Emily, I don't think she ever really gave up on you returning. She couldn't bear the thought of Grace growing up without ever knowing you and Jack."
"As the weeks and months went on, she was a machine. I'm not sure how much sleep she really got, but I know at the very least she forced herself to eat proper meals, making sure she could provide Grace with the proper nutrition she needed."
"You know how Emily's always been so attentive to Grace's needs and putting her and everyone else's needs first. I don't think she's ever really let herself process the extent of everything that happened. You're who she wanted and needed then. And Knowing her, it's probably all still bottled and built up, waiting to explode or spill out."
Jessica was caught in the distinct memories from that difficult time. She especially remembered Emily being wrought with guilt, responsibility, and remorse for the death of her subordinate and friend at the hands of Scratch.
"I know she felt guilty for her friend Stephen's death, she still does. But I can only imagine how terrified she must have been when that monster took her. Dave and I convinced her to go home, take a nap, shower, get some food. We both promised her everything would be fine, that we'd watch after Grace at the hospital while she was gone."
"When she didn't call, text, or return an hour later we knew something was wrong. When the two hour mark hit, Dave had Garcia do her thing, she tracked down the police report from a car accident listed at Em's building. Stephen had his I.D. on him and was listed as DOA. Dave immediately organized everyone to find her. But that bastard had her for over 12 hours."
Aaron could see from the far away look in Jessica's eyes, pondering how much more she should possibly say. Not wanting to break Emily's trust, knowing the two had obviously grown much closer in his absence than he could have ever expected.
Aaron had felt his heartbreaking with everything Jess revealed, he could only imagine what that bastard had said to her, being his victim once himself. Aaron knew there was so much more Jess could probably tell him, but he wanted, no needed to hear the rest from the source. He owed Emily that and so much more, so for now he decided to steer their conversation towards a lighter topic for the time being.
"As much as it hurts to hear, thank you for telling me. I promise I'll try to talk to her about it, if she will let me. But, I think it's going to be awhile before she would ever consider trusting me again, or is willing to share her innermost thoughts and feelings. I'm sure her and I have a lot to sort out and discuss before we get to that point though."
"Jess, I didn't know you and Em were that close and continued being friends after we left. I mean it's a little weird for me, not that that even matters. Don't get me wrong I'm glad you had each other, but I never fully understood your friendship."
He was honestly glad they sought each other out in his absence. That the two most influential women in his life not only got along, but we're genuinely friends. He knew it's what Haley would have wanted, and had she still been alive, the three of them would have driven him nuts.
"You and Emily were always both hush hush anytime I asked either of you about it before when we were dating. I mean you were always friendly enough to each other, which I appreciated. But, I always thought it was some mutual respect thing, a bond forged and developed over your shared love of Jack and me."
Jessica couldn't disagree, knowing at first they could maybe have been classified as friendly acquaintances for the sake of the Hotchner boys. Knowing now, they were both intimated by the other, so worried and afraid to overstep or encroach on each others' territory. Trying to tread lightly unsure of their places, both wanting Jack and Aaron to just be happy and loved.
"You're not wrong, I think in some ways thats how our friendship started. But then you were gone, and I missed having my big brother and nephew around. I knew how dangerous it was, why you had to leave. But, I felt terrified and so alone."
"But, Emily was here for me the whole time you've been gone. She's been wonderful to me, so don't you dare try to destroy that. When you and Jack were in hiding, she constantly kept in contact making sure I was ok, giving me updates when she could. And then a few weeks into things, she confided in me about her suspicions."
"I was there with her when she took the test and found out she was pregnant. She made me promise not to say anything to the rest of the team, especially about the part of you being the father. She knew she couldn't risk Scratch somehow figuring out the truth of Grace's parentage."
"Emily let me be a part of everything to do with Grace, every step of the way. She told me she wanted me to be involved in the whole process, that I had every right to be a part of her baby's life. And she hoped I would accept the title of aunt and godmother when the time came."
"I know she missed you more than anything though, wished you and Jack could experience her pregnancy with her. I accidentally found one of the letters she had been writing to you. She wasn't mad when she caught me reading it. Emily told me how she had been sending you one, once a month while you were in WITSEC."
"Aaron, I really don't know how Emily found the strength to keep going. It was obvious she was hurting and that she missed you and Jack, terrified to let you down. But she kept going, held everyone together, myself included."
"She told me how she took every possible precaution sending those letters with updates and reminders of how much we all missed you both. I know if she thought even for a second it could have been traced to your location she wouldn't have dared risked it."
"Emily always understood why you made the choice to initially run. She explained how she just needed a way to remind you to hang in there. A way to express her love for you and Jack, and give you hope for the future."
"Aaron, I know my sister loved you, and not to speak ill of the dead, but her feelings pale in comparison to Emily's love for you. She has always had the capacity to understand you in ways Haley never could have. You need to fight for her and do everything you can to make this work."
"So you need to decide now, before you go any further, either you're all in or all out. If you can't go all in, you shouldn't get Emily's hopes up. And if you're not sure, please don't risk confusing or hurting your daughter. They both deserve all the love and happiness in the world."
Aaron didn't have to hesitate or think, the words slipped out as soon as Jessica finished her ultimatum for him. "I'm in, I don't care what it takes, I need them both in my life."
That brought a sad smile to her face. "Good, I'm glad. They both need you and want you, even if Em is too stubborn to admit it. But please tread lightly, her hearts fragile when it comes to you."
"No one really knows what happened to her in that basement with that monster. It's safe to say, we all tried to get her to talk, but Emily needed you, and you weren't here. She wouldn't tell me or anyone else about what happened. I'm not even sure she divulged the full truth in her report for work."
"The few times I tried to ask, she would get this desperate broken look in her eyes and all she would say was "I never revealed Jack and Aaron's location. All that matters is that they are safe now." It was like a mantra she spoke trying to reassure herself more than me, that you and Jack were still alive."
"All I know is it was hard after, but she pushed through, excited that because the threat was gone, that you and Jack could come home. She was certain you would be back the next day, both her and Grace were released from the hospital."
"When Dave drove her home, she was insistent he dropped her off at your old apartment. She kept up the lease the whole time you were gone, knowing you would be back once they caught that monster."
"Anyway he didn't feel comfortable leaving her alone after all she had been through. Thankfully though, Dave convinced her she shouldn't be alone and to let me stay, because her and Gracie were my only connection to you and Jack. She was the strong one the whole time you were in danger, it was only fair I tried to return the favour after."
"So she called me to grab her bag from her place and anything Grace might need. Dave kept her company until I got there. She promised the others we could do a welcome home celebration for her in Grace in combination with yours and Jack's homecoming. She refused to have it without you, so beyond excited for you both to meet Grace. We stayed a stalemate, waiting for you guys to return."
"When Rossi came by to deliver the news that you made your decision not to return, Emily refused to believe it. She called, numerous times only for each attempt to go unanswered. She was sure something was wrong when it had been days and your voicemail box was still full."
"Then you finally called me days later to let me know you both were ok, but you decided not to come back. We both know I tried to convince you multiple times, but I couldn't force you to return and you promised me you would call Emily when I asked."
"And days went by, she never got the call, I didn't have the heart to tell her I did get one. I couldn't let her think I somehow mattered more to you guys and she didn't warrant a personal call. She eventually found out when she had Penelope track your phone record and credit cards for activity."
"When she confronted me about it she wasn't mad, she was sad, hurt, and disappointed. I was so worried she would feel betrayed and she would cut me out of hers and Grace's life. But in the end, she promised me she would never do that and asked me not to ever tell you any details about either of them."
"She understood if I visited you and Jack, or if you called or came to see me. Emily didn't want to interfere with my relationship with you both. But, gradually you cut off contact with me too, and I only occasionally heard from Jack. Soon, it was just monthly emails from him with a few lines."
"I'm not going to pretend it didn't hurt me too. Everyone you left deserved better. But none more so than Emily. And if she decides to never forgive you, I support her, because you weren't there, you didn't show up, and she has always been there when you needed her."
Jessica knew she had already stepped over the line, oversharing pieces of the past Emily probably wanted kept from Aaron. She just needed him to know how fragile her bestfriend's heart is, hoping trusting him with these tidbits wouldn't backfire. She decided to steer the conversation back to more neutral and pleasant territory.
"After Scratch, the team learned you were Gracie's father. Garcia went searching for her birth certificate to confirm their suspicions. Obviously Emily had waited to submit the paperwork, she had left the spot for paternity blank, knowing while Peter Lewis lurked it wasn't safe to have your name out there.
"But when we got her back, filling out that information and getting it submitted was the first thing she did at the hospital, once she had Grace back in her arms. Not that they needed to see the document, it was a moot point really. Considering Emily wasn't trying to be subtle or put up any pretenses anymore. They all knew how adamant she was with her decision to stay at your old apartment when she was released with Grace the next day."
"Eventually after a few months, we all convinced her to move. Now, I live in her guest house, so I have my privacy and I am always there if Emily needs someone to watch Grace for her. I also have a bedroom in the main house, it works better for when work takes her away."
"It was always meant to be a temporary solution, it worked for us both thus far. But, you should know I'm engaged, my fiancee and I are still working on logistics for living arrangements but we plan to move in together after the wedding in September. "
"Emily's my Maid of Honour and Gracie's going to be the flower girl. As soon as Emily mentioned that meant she got a new dress, well it's safe to say Grace was over the moon. Emily likes to say she inherited her love of all things pink and girly from her Aunt Penelope."
"I'd like Jack to be a ring bearer or involved in some other role if he wants. We were planning to do something low key and sending out the invites next month. Obviously you are on my list, but I didn't know if you would want to come."
Aaron was elated with the happy news and turn in the conversation. He quickly pulled her into a hug, elated for his former sister in law. "Wow Jess Congratulations, I am so happy for you. Jack and I will definitely be there. I can't wait to meet the lucky man who has stolen your heart."
He sense her hesitation in the way she tensed in his arms. When he pulled back he noticed a look of uncertainty on her face. He braced himself for whatever she had to reveal now, hoping it was nothing major.
"Yeah that's where it gets a little complicated, my fiancee isn't too keen on you being in attendance. I'm sure, now that you have the chance to sort things out with Emily, he might back off a bit. He's just really protective of her in general, Emily's actually the one who introduced us."
"If I had it my way I want you standing up there with us, but I know my fiancee isn't a big fan of yours at the moment. But who knows in a few months once you make some headway making an effort to fix things, I'm sure I can twist his arm. At the very least you might make the cut as one of his groomsmen, especially considering the only friends he really has are on the BAU team."
"But I'll talk to him and smooth any ruffled feathers. I want you guys to be friends or at the very least cordial and polite to one another, for mine and Emily's sakes. And for Gracie's, she absolutely adores him, honestly I think seeing him with her, is when I first knew I was falling in love with him."
"So you're not going to tell me who this guy is, obviously it's someone I know."
"You're right, you two are already acquainted with one another, and have worked together before. That's all I'll say on the matter for now, I haven't had a chance to speak to him since you've returned. And Emily has been my main priority since you showed up."
"Jess, I promise whoever it is, I will try and make an effort to play nice."
"Thank Aaron, I'm holding you to that."
"I would expect nothing less from you. And I'm sure Emily will help you keep me in line, she's better at that than anyone."
"She's a good wing woman and friend, I have no doubt as my maid of honour she's going to have her work cut out for her. But she's definitely the best mediator for the job if you boys don't behave."
Jessica chuckled seeing him good naturedly roll his eyes, the expression one Emily used frequently in situations like this. She felt at peace, having even more renewed hope everything was going to all work out.
"Jess, I also want to thank you for always being there for Jack. I appreciate you keeping in touch with him after, trying to maintain your relationship. I would very much like to take you up your offer to have you present when I tell about Grace. I don't know how he will react, but I do know it's likely he's going to be beyond livid with me."
"I'd like to tell him this afternoon or evening if possible. I was hoping to have a chance to have an amicable conversation with Emily first, so I am aware of whatever rules she needs me to abide by going forward. And I was hoping to make tentative plans for Jack and I to meet Grace soon."
"I know you said not to put you in the middle, or make you play messenger. But if you could...."
Jessica cut him off, already knowing the favour he was going to ask. "I'll give her a call now, I'm sure she's calmed down enough to have a somewhat civil conversation with you. But you're right, it's best to try to at least tentatively sort things out somewhat before you tell Jack about his sister."
When Emily returned from the dead, her mother's house had been the first place she went to after she knew everyone was safe. Once the corner collected Ian Doyle's body and Declan was in Tom Kohler's capable hands, that had been her first stop. She had gone with the intent to clear the air and mend fences with her mother.
Emily came to learn three things from that visit. First, her mother had been told the truth of her faked death from her boss. The second thing being that even before learning she was alive, her mother hadn't felt it was necessary to attend her funeral. And thirdly, she couldn't fix a relationship that never was.
Even if it was a need to know matter and Ambassador Elizabeth Prentiss didn't have the exact level of security clearance needed, she found out Aaron told her mom a week after the funeral. He knew she could be trusted to keep a secret, and he felt as a parent himself, thought it would be cruel to let her suffer and grieve, when her daughter was still alive.
Aaron had known when they got Emily back, it would be hard enough for her, trying to pick up the pieces and reclaim her life. Even if he couldn't admit it then, the real reason he had told Elizabeth the truth was for Emily's sake. He knew they didn't have the most stellar or close relationship, but he didn't want this to be the thing that broke the camel's back.
It hurt Emily finding out her mother missed the funeral of her only child, truly showing how little she cared. Emily could've understood if her anger was coming from a place of hurt or betrayal. Especially because her faked death had been a matter of national security, and her mother hadn't been made aware of the truth right away.
But it hadn't mattered what Emily said, Elizabeth hadn't been willing to listen, or consider her side of things. Emily knew it went deeper than that, but even then, she hadn't wanted to accept the truth of their relationship that never was.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
Elizabeth had shouted those exact words, venom laced with vitriol and spite, the last time they spoke. Emily hadn't seen her mother in almost a decade since.
Yet, she could still clearly recall the conviction her mother's voice held, revealing the harsh but truthful implication in her words. It was just as Emily had always suspected, to her mother, she had always been a disappointment, something Elizabeth Prentiss saw as some sort of punishment. Like she couldn't understand what she possibly had done to deserve a daughter like Emily.
When she was younger, she had actually tried to make an effort to be the perfect little political puppet for her mother. For so long she thought she had been just that, but it was never enough. It didn't matter how good her grades were, how she dressed, or how well she behaved, Elizabeth always found fault in her.
Emily was done waiting, holding out hope for a day that would never come. Her mother was never going to be the mom she would always yearn for.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
The mantra repeated itself for months after their feud, haunting her for far longer than she ever cared to admit. Elizabeth's words may have been meant negatively, but she never knew how much Emily actually craved to be a mother herself. But, she wanted more than that, for her child(ren) to grow up with two parents, doubling the love and affection they deserved.
If she was ever blessed with the opportunities to have a family, Emily vowed to never take it for granted. If she was lucky enough to find that for herself, she would make them her priority and find the balance between parenthood and work that her mother hadn't even attempted to strive for.
But, Emily knew as it stood, it was still too soon after Doyle. She was too damaged and lost, to consider the possibility, not knowing if she even had a place to call home anymore. With her insecurities and need to mend friendships, she wasn't sure when she would be ready.
She couldn't help contemplating if the life she wanted would ever happen for herself. Or, if she had missed the boat, that ship has sailed long ago without her on board. Leaving her now to pay her penance, destined to be alone, never knowing the full joy of parenthood.
~~~~~~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
In some ways she got her wish two years later when she officially became Jack's stepmother, eleven short months after her and Aaron finally took the plunge. He wasn't a daughter obviously, but it renewed her hope that one day she might have a daughter too. To give Jack a best friend for life, she just had to beat the tick of her biological clock first.
~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
It was the sentence she heard in her head three and a half years after those words were first uttered to her. When the timer finally dinged indicating her test results were ready. It gave her cause to pause and wonder if she was ready, regardless if the test was positive or not.
~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
The words once again brought forth her insecurities when the doctor revealed their baby's gender at her twentieth week's scan. It was the outcome she had wanted to hear, but she couldn't stop the way it created a pit in her stomach. She was worried she would never be able to connect to her daughter, and her mother would be right about her.
It gnawed at her for days, growing uncontrollably, until Aaron convinced her to talk about whatever was bothering her. She knew he would have laughed, at her ridiculousness, had he not been able to see how troubled she truly felt by it. With each reason he listed, it was his unwavering faith, made in her defence about abilities to be a mother, that won her over in the end.
~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
If her stubbornness to come out was anything to show, Emily had no doubt her little girl took after her. While Aaron was stubborn too, Emily had always beaten him when it came to battles of the will. Twelve days after her due date when her doctor decided to induce her, her daughter had already proven she was a worthy opponent.
~~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
Emily knew appearance wise Grace took after them both, but to be fair they all had similar colouring. But, it was more than that, it was the way her daughter stubbornly fought off sleep as long as it was possible. Until her exhaustion overpowered her, just like both her parents were notorious for, especially during cases.
The moment that proved she was her mother's daughter however, came with Grace's first word. It wasn't mama, dada, Jack, or even nono (her title for Dave). No, her first word was Tesoro, the affectionate nickname Dave exclusively used to address Emily whenever he greeted her.
Although Grace pronounced it ''Tethro'', until she eventually caught on how to correctly say her 's' sounds. Either way, it was obvious very early on to her family they would have another polyglot on their hands.
If her ability to babble in English, French, and Italian, by the time she was in her terrible twos wasn't indication enough of her parentage, her attitude, facial expressions, and her natural compassion for others, made her a dead ringer for her mother.
~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
For awhile she stopped hearing the words meant as a curse. It no longer haunted her as it once did, because the love she had for Grace was limitless.
If anything, it made her smile anytime someone compared her daughter to her, proud of every aspect of her little girl. From her sassy and stubborn demeanor to her larger than life personality, and insatiable thirst for knowledge.
It wasn't until she heard news of her mother's passing shortly after her baby girl turned six, that the last words her mother spoke to her plagued her dreams once more.
~~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
The morning of her mother's funeral, those words played on a loop, a foggy haze in her mind, as she showered and dressed on autopilot, preparing herself to look presentable.
Knowing her mother though, if she had still been alive, she would have found some fault in appearance. Anything really, Emily had never passed her scrutiny unscathed. If Elizabeth was in heaven watching, she knew the woman was certainly judging her once more.
Emily had been dreading this morning for the days leading up to it, knowing she had to put the infamous compartmentalization facade she learned from her mother to good use. That is, if she wanted to have any hopes of getting through the day in tact.
She was glad Jessica had adamantly insisted on watching Grace for them, not wanting Emily to have to worry about her. The two women had grown extremely close, their bond had long ago transcended past their unspoken agreement to fulfill Haley's dying wish for Jack and Aaron.
They were genuinely very good friends, and Jessica knew Emily deserved to mourn the loss of her mother on her own terms. The wake and funeral however, would be easier to navigate things without having to split her focus worrying about her young daughter.
Jessica like Aaron, understood Emily didn't see it fair to subject Grace to attending a funeral for a woman she never met. It wasn't explaining the subject of death she was worried about. Emily just felt Grace was too young to understand the dynamics of the relationship her mother had had with her grandmother. Emily was trying to shield Grace by doing what was best for her.
She agreed to letting Aaron join her, knowing there was no way he would have even willingly considered ever leaving her to deal with something of this magnitude alone.
When their thirteen year old Jack insisted he attend as well, he reassured both Emily and Aaron regardless of how boring and long it might be, he wanted to be there for his Emmy. Emily didn't bother to even try to hide the few tears that slipped out at his gesture, she just pulled her sweet boy into a thankful embrace.
In the end most, of the actual day went by in a blur. Yet, Emily had never felt so out of place then during her mother's service. All the people who came up to her to pay their respects and reminisce about how amazing Elizabeth was. Emily could see their side of things, why they all saw her mother as an impressive and influential force of nature.
It was the most painful, psychological torture listening to all those in attendance spout on about her loss. She hated hearing everyone say she was lucky to have had such a wonderful mother and role model. To have them go on about how proud Elizabeth was of her, how she often spoke of her brave and selfless daughter, busy off saving the world. That she should never doubt how much her mother loved her in life.
Each well intentioned word they spoke, felt like sharp lies made of barbed wire. Only they couldn't see the damage they were doing, not when they truly believed what they were saying. And that hurt more, knowing her mother could fool everyone into believing she was Supermom, collecting that title on top of all her other accolades.
In the end, Emily wasn't even sure how she had managed to get up infront of the masses and lie through her teeth. She could only vaguely recall a few faces of the hundreds of people she interacted with. She knew at some point the team had stopped by to pay their respects as well.
Emily couldn't help but wondering, that it must have been through dumb luck and the sheer force of God's Grace that she got through her eulogy with both dignity and grace.
Now she stood at her mother's final resting place, ready to say goodbye.
~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
Emily knew Elizabeth had known of Grace's existence, that she kept tabs on her life through mutual acquaintances, yet she never attempted to get in touch. But she knew in Elizabeth's eyes, she had gotten her spiteful wish meant to be a vindictive curse.
Her mother was right about one thing, Gracie was her through and through, not that Emily needed anyone to remind her of that. But, watching Grace and Jack grow up, happy and healthy knowing they were given the love and attention they needed gave her peace. They had all the things Emily never got, it was like watching a movie of how her own life could have played out.
Yet, Elizabeth would never know, to her, being Grace's mom was a healing balm from her own childhood. The greatest blessing of her life, one Emily cherished, but never felt truly worthy and deserving enough to have. The moment she held Grace in her arms, when her little girl opened her eyes, allowing them both to see each other for the first time, her whole world changed for the better.
She finally understood her dreams from years before. The recurring nightmare with the hill, and the little six year old girl dancing at the top with a carefree feeling and the warmth of the sun radiating down on her.
In her dreams the hill always got steeper and steeper as she tried to reach the top. Yet she kept climbing, knowing she needed to save the girl, because she was all alone. Only for the inevitable panic that set in at the top when she realised the little girl was gone. Emily knew the reality of all the horrors and possibilities that caused her to vanish. what that could mean. She had seen, heard, and experienced the horrors first hand.
The adult version of herself only knew a little girl was waiting all alone. She had wanted to protect the innocent girl from the horrors of the world. So she could never be robbed of sense of wonder, innocence, and her ability to see the beauty that surrounded her in the world.
For years she had theorized the purpose of her dream and the psychological meaning behind it. But now, Emily realised she was never meant to actually reach the girl at the top. It was an impossible task, her subconscious's way of trying to make sense and push her to deal with the trauma she internalized.
Because Emily knew the girl was her, and she never stopped waiting for her mom to save her. Some part of Emily was still wishing and waiting, dreaming of what she wanted most as a child, her mother's love, affection, and approval. Yet it had never come true, and living with the reality of that, even now, was a tough pill to swallow.
And now as a mother herself, it was even harder to wrap her mind around what she could have possibly done to make her mother feel that way. Why she had never been enough, not even for a second.
Not when Grace and Jack were her whole world. Emily knew she would do anything for them, even if she had to sacrifice herself or resort to murder to protect them.
It was still a bittersweet moment, but Emily wasn't devastated as she should have been, had their relationship had been different. She wished she could say she had been sad that her mother had never gotten to meet Grace and get know Jack. But she wasn't, she was glad she never gave Elizabeth the opportunity to hurt the most important and precious part of her life, her family.
But, Emily hoped if her spirit was somehow watching her, that she knowingly died with regrets. Not because she was vindictive or glad her mother died alone, but because she would finally know what it was like to wait, hope, and be let down. To know she pushed away the only person who had ever truly loved her unconditionally in life.
And now Emily stood ready to give the real eulogy her mother deserved. The eloquent one she had read back in church, had been her final performance as the perfect politician's puppet.
Listing off her mother's contributions to the world along with some sappy anecdotes of a childhood she never had. There hadn't been a dry eye in sight, when she was finished telling the tale of the woman, Elizabeth had always woven for them all to see her as.
But now without an audience present, she could speak the truth in her heart.
~~~~~~
"I hope you have a daughter just like you".
"You got your wish mom, and I'm sure you thought you had the last laugh. Grace is exactly like me, everyone makes comments to that effect".
"She has my laugh, but hers always carries to the next room, without the fear of being scolded for being heard".
"She has my unruly hair, but with a little care, patience, and attention, her locks are easy to tame".
"She has my affinity for languages and her imagination is as wild as mine once was. Yet, I refuse to dampen her spirit or discourage her insatiable curiosity as you did to me".
"She's got my humour and attitude, she's fiery, filled to the brim with thoughts and emotions, her passion always ready to spew out. But, she will never have to fear being seen as weak for showing her feelings, or feel the need to wear a mask as armour to protect her".
"She's all the things, you always criticized about me. So maybe your wish came true Mom, because she's exactly like me. But, you were wrong about one thing, loving her is the easiest thing, it's like breathing air".
"And, unlike my relationship with you, she will never not need me in her life, because I will never give her a reason to believe I don't want to be a part of her life. I will never not be grateful to have a daughter just like me. Being a mom to her and Jack is the best, most rewarding and successful thing, I've ever done in my life".
"And even if you were still here today, your words can't hurt me anymore. Nothing you could have said would ever be able to change my mind about the life and family I made for myself".
"I will never not be glad I had a daughter just like me, and I promise you I will never take her for granted. I'm just sorry you never felt that way for me".
From where she stood at the top of the hill she could see everything in the distance. Emily looked back to where her husband and stepson were waiting, and she knew she was ready to go home.
Emily peered down at her mother's grave once more feeling the comfort of the sun's warmth dance down on her back. She didn't feel sad, if anything she felt at peace. Emily had already spent her life mourning for what Elizabeth Prentiss had never been to her. It was time to let her go for good.
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