Tw! Mentions of suicide, depression and anxiety and mentions of abuse.
So its a bit over a month since i tried atempted to take my own life, and this was after i was a visit to mental hospital for 5 days.
This wont make a lot of sense but i will try. It was the first attempt i tried, but suicide thoughts is something ive had since i was about 14. I dont know how long ive been struggling with depression and anxiety but its a long long time.
I honestly felt like nobody cared, or loved me. I was so deep in these thoughts daily, i even had nightmares about my abusive parents actually caring about me. I cried myself to sleep and slept so little and honestly could not tell you what day it was.
And i was so so angry, for not trusting my siblings, and i somehow still dont. For not telling more people, but also for those i cared about and spoke to and for a few of them how i broke their hearts, how i made them cry. Mabye it made me more depressed i honestly cant answer that.
So i actually tried to kill myself, i still do, just not as strongly. But my sister saved me buy calling the ambulanse for me (dw it dont cost a fortune as i live in Norway)
And while i dont regret trying it was the aftermath that truly broke me. Not only did i see family and friends cry, people i love with all my heart. But what broke me was my oldest sister, my younger brother and my best friend. Seeing my older sister and best friend cry hurt me alot. But my baby brother, a person i have basicly raised since i was 8 hearing him cry over almost not having me around, was the one thing that made me into a sobbing mess. And i made a promise that day, for him. I will never try again, for him.
Sometimes i wish i tried to ask for help more, that i fought a little harder, and yet i could not and would not. I did not want to be saved in a sense. I am so used to the pain and not getting the help i need that the only thing i could think about, was ending it all.
I wish i was a better person, so that i regret my actions, so that they can feel safe it wont happen again.
But i think deep down we all know i am still a danger to myself and the only thing keeping me here is a promise to a brother only so i know he wont kill himself in response. Bc even if i now live a safe place and have a job, i dont want to be here. I cant see myself becoming old.
I hope i can read this back once, that ive healed enough from that abuse to not go back at where i am today. I hope i can keep that one promise, and become a better person only if it is for my brother that ive raised.
I hope i find joy in those little things, that at the moment looks like giant hills to klimb, bc i will never be able to do this for myself, only for others. And it might be wrong for me to only doing things for others. But until i find away to do it myself its the only reliable way for me to stay on this earth.
I hope i heal enough not to hurt others, bc i know it will be my downfall eventually.
And somehow i find hope in that, that i can eventually heal, i hope i do bc i have not been living since i was 14, i was surviving in a world i wanted to get away from, and i hope one day i can say im actually living. That ive apologise to those i hurt and also left behind this who hurt me...
Thats it for my little rant, if you read so far thank you!
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