Heart [Comma] Jess @smallgirlbiglife-blog - Tumblr Blog

Little, lonely blog...

.... here is what I have been up to ....

Thoughts have been swirling around my head. They need a landing place. But, not here. Not yet.

I've been too busy for my dreams to settle. Yet, I've been living a life that dreams are made of. Somethings are wonderful. Somethings make me absolutely sick to my stomach. I have been equal parts excited and sick these past few weeks.

I took a huge risk last week. I am still waiting for the repercussions.

I've been dreaming and chatting with many dear friends. Many of these conversations have birthed something new. New things that make my heart come alive.

I've been drinking way too much coffee, yet most days it's not nearly enough to keep me on track.

I've been watching others blossom, move on, see their dreams become realities. I love doing life with them in those moments.

It's summer. I've started living in dresses and skirts.

I've laughed, cried and prayed a lot this past month. The joys have been intense. The lows have been devastating. My little heart is barely holding on sometimes.

At some point in my non-busy life (when does that happen?) I will watch this promising lecture.

The staff of HOHC has been listening to this song non- stop. It's gorgeous.

Outside my window... It looks cold, but the sun is peeking through the clouds. The trees are still bare, but I can see beautiful yellow flowers on the hill across the street.

What I am thinking... My soul and body are weary. I want to sleep in my big bed with my snuggly dog. I feel insignificant beyond words and beaten down. I am resting in this "For I have given rest to the weary and joy to the sorrowing" - Jeremiah 31:25

My ears are enjoying... A song my boss shared with me called Song For Jaydin. It makes my heart so excited about adopting in the future!

I'm going... away this weekend. Alone. Glorious. The only person who is invited to come with me is Jesus.

I'm thankful for... friends that love me even when I am weird, tired and swear accidentally. And friends who move refrigerators.

I'm looking forward to... rest and relaxation this weekend. LIFEgroup on Sunday night. Flowers and sunshine. Planting the veggie garden.

I'm reading... Crazy Love for the 2nd time around.

I'm about to... clean my apartment so my sweet friend can crash here tomorrow night and not have to shower in a yucky bathroom.

My future... looks bright despite my weariness. Thanks God for being in control and knowing me better than I know myself.

Dear ladies....

You are loved. More than you will ever know.

On my desk....

1. a tape measure

2. old papers from last month's banquet

3. a 100 pack of tealights

4. half drunk cold cup of coffee

5. to do list

6. a stack of prayer requests

7. 2 bottles of iKlear

8. 29 sharpies

9. cell phone

10. 4 notebooks

11. a box of business cards

12. burts bees chapstick

13. amazon credit card

14. 4 blank Cd's

15. a pack of blank notecards

16. Macbook

17. a dead stinkbug

18. a packet for next month's jewelry fundraiser

My desk is not that big. It's a disaster actually.

God is Near

His Time

My selfish confession is this: I miss out on a lot of fun things in life because of my job. I don't have the luxury of serving where I want to serve, picking up last minute to go see a friend, attending extra church functions, seeing my family as often as I want to, etc. I have chosen a lifestyle where my time is not my own, my schedule is very structured and my responsibilities are enormous.

I began to feel resentful about how my time is used recently. I wanted it back.

Then something happened.

I saw someone come to Jesus.

All that time I had invested in her instead of running out at night to see a friend suddenly made sense.

I would do it again.

I would give up time in a heartbeat to sit with someone while they gave their life over to Jesus.

After all my time is not mine. It never was. My time is His.

Dear ladies....

God is not the author of confusion.

#dear ladies

Dear ladies...

God has enormous power. Power big enough to heal our deepest wounds.

#dear ladies

Loneliness

I have felt extreme loneliness lately. I am surrounded everyday by people. Not just any people either. People who love me very deeply. Yet, there is this emptiness that is resting deep in my heart.

I was frustrated last week because I felt as though I kept pouring love into people, making others my priority and getting very little in return. I was hurt. I wanted to pull away. I wanted to stop sharing my love, my time, my heart, my encouragement. I wanted my turn. I wanted to be someone's priority. I wanted someone to tell me that they loved me without having to ask for it. My bucket was empty and I desperately needed it to be filled. I was emotionally running dry.

Do you ever feel like when you need people there is no one around? Yet, when you need to be alone everyone is in your space?

I do.

All the time.

More times than I care to admit.

Insecurities never fail to creep in when I am lonely. The more insecure I begin to feel the harder I search for someone to give me worth. I reach out to people. I grasp for something. Though, to be honest, I am not always sure what it is that I am grasping for. I just need emotional fulfillment. Some days any kind of fulfillment will do. Even the cheap, last for a few minutes type will do. I just need to know that I am worthy of someone's time and attention.

Yet, this is not what God calls me to. I know this. I know there is Greater Love. God doesn't want me to fill up on cheap love.

I think sometimes God allows my loneliness as a means to pull me back to Him. He knows how I operate. He knows I will go to every friend I have in search for my worth. He knows that while I have some of the most loving friends on this planet, I will come up empty. He knows that eventually I will come to my senses and say, "Sorry Father. I know that you are my everything." He knows I will make more time for Him and allow Him to fill me up. It's a road we've traveled together often. A lesson that I am continually learning. He patiently knocks and waits for me.

Yes, God designed me for relationships. I have a very high relationship orientated personality (often times to a fault, obviously). He desires to give me relationships that he created me for. Wonderful, life-giving relationships. Yet, He carefully has to pull me back to him when I begin to steer off course by looking for my sole source of fulfillment in others. He's patient and kind in this no matter how many times it happens. I am blessed to be so radically loved in this way.

Do you struggle with this? How does God remind you to come to him instead of running to others?

#loneliness

staypozitive

I love Adele.

"Do you plan on getting married?"

I get nervous when I begin to type up a post on singleness. I type up a lot that get deleted. I mean, I'm supposed to be so content with Jesus, so excited to use my singleness for him and so enthralled with Him that I don't even notice that I lack a husband. Right? And of course, I don't want to come off to the world as desperate. A desperate woman is not an attractive one. But here I sit. Here I type.

It seems like people have been throwing marriage comments my way more and more lately. As if my heart isn't heavy enough with this issue, their well meaning comments only tend to make things harder for me. It's not their intention to drag these emotions that I have to the surface, but the emotions exist and they are very, very real. Every once in awhile someone will speak words that bless me, but those moments are few and far between. Especially when it comes to my family. My love life (or huge lack thereof) is a breeding ground for their jokes.

These moments have caused me to be introspective into how I can use my time as a single to glorify God. Obviously, I am in this season for a very specific reason. I would not be able to serve God in the way that I currently am if I was married. That fact is very real. I am extremely happy with the life I have right here and right now. Yet, the pain is still there. The desire is still there. The hope and the prayers are still strong. Some days those things are right below the surface. Other days I have to search to find them.

God knows. He knows why I am here. He knows where I am going. God is a provider and he knows my hearts cry. Marriage is part of his wonderful providence. Rest your hope in that with me, dear sister.

Meanwhile, while I rest in God's promises I am not in wait mode! I am called to live full throttle. I am called to be chasing the things that God has called me to do. As a single. I do the next thing. Move forward one step at a time. Sometimes one tiny baby step at a time. And trust. Trust. Trust. Trust. Trust in the sovereignty of God. Trust that when His timing comes that He will provide for the desire that He placed in my heart.

It's not easy. God never promised me that it would be. I think that these tiring moments are going to make my future with my husband all the more sweeter.

#marriage #singleness #intention #dating #pray boldly

Perspective

I'm exhausted. The left side of my body is in pain.

Yesterday was long.

Last night was my ministry's annual banquet.

It was beautiful.

I slept a total of 3 hours.

I awoke at 4am to the sad news of Japan's earthquake. I'm sitting in my tiny living room with coffee as I watch the tragic pictures flash across my TV screen.

My soul is as weary as my body.

How blessed I am to be warm and comfortable. My pain and weariness is so small compared to this world.

As I started in this journey of mentoring young women, I learned quickly that it's a fragile road. I continue to learn just how needed vulnerability and transparency are. I am still learning that wisdom is a precious gift to share.

I often feel inadequate.

This feeling leads me to dig deeper into my soul. To dig deeper into The Word.

It's worth the time I have to invest in myself. It's worth asking myself hard questions. Worth the tears. Worth the pain. Worth the brokenness. It's definitely worth the hours spent in desperate prayer.

God becomes strong in my inadequacy. He is glorified in my weakness.

#mentoring #inadequacy

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Heart [Comma] Jess