Warrior of love
“You will learn a lot about yourself if you stretch in the direction of goodness, of bigness, or kindness, of forgiveness, of emotional bravery. Be a warrior of love.” — Sheryl Strayed.
Holy shit this woman can write. Honestly Sheryl Strayed could write the shittiest novel in the world and I would probably thing it was gold. Because I love her as a person (after stalking her on Facebook).
But that is besides the point. The point is that people like her and Brenee Brown have the ability to be radically vulnerable and courageous, and in the process, inspiring others to do the same.
So that’s what I have started doing. Being vulnerable and fighting this notion that vulnerability means weakness. Part of being human is embracing all that we are: brave, broken, afraid. Vulnerability is not something we can do without; it is an “undercurrent of our natural state” and denying our vulnerability robs us from our ability to connect and empathize.
Stretching in the direction of largeness and courage demands that we live with integrity and that starts with examining our own fears and insecurities. And nothing makes you quite as insecure as starting medical school.
Its the age old tale: put a bunch of high achieving blah blah blah in one room and blah blah competition and blah blah. But it does not stop there. There are multiple levels of interventions to combat this feeling of imposter syndrome and identify formation in almost every medical school. It is normalized and talked about openly. Which is great, but what if its not helpful?
I have heard from residents and attendings that the imposter syndrome and insecurity never really goes away. And why would it? Physicians are in charge of serious shit so maybe it is okay to feel insecure about your abilities. I honestly feel like the stupidest person in my class somedays. But I know that is not true. Because there is no stupidest person. That level of grading just does not exist in medical school or in life. But even knowing that does not make this medical school thing easy.
I guess the trick to survive medical school is to somehow hold many contradictory emotions simultaneously and still have the courage to act. And I think that’s what the past few months for me have been about. Not denying my fears. One one hand being able to say, I am terrified and I feel stupid all the time, and on the other hand still showing up to lecture and clinic day after day to learn and to improve. Even when you feel like utter crap.
And this, then, seems like the work of openness: to keep you honest about life and love and make sure you are always stretching in the direction of largeness, even if the largeness is scary and dark. To show up and be brave. To be a warrior of love and project it both outward and inward.
In the desert I saw a creature, naked, bestial, Who, squatting upon the ground, Held his heart in his hands, And ate of it. I said, “Is it good, friend?” “It is bitter—bitter,” he answered;
“But I like it “Because it is bitter, “And because it is my heart.”
