you want to die for love

you always have

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i'm tired of trying. i'm tired of asking.

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how he reaches for me, outstretched, undone, unspooling before me: golden, sun kissed, green and alive, a forest of a person. nose to nose, chest to chest, his breathing throughout a black midnight. stars wheeling overhead. before him, my fears are silenced. behold him, and every choice i have made is spun into a story of getting closer to him. every choice i make will bring me closer to him. this is my vow. this is my promise. pull back this paper and find my heart, spring pink and steadfast.

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and i failed.

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i love him, he loves me, i love him.

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he's my best friend. i won't lose that.

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i called my friend yesterday. we talked for an hour. she asked how i was doing, and i said, i can't remember the last time i was this happy.

lately i've been reading old poems and looking at old pictures. i wonder when i stopped being happy. i wonder if i ever was. i built myself a beautiful cage, and then i threw away the key. i was scared to leave. i thought if i did, i would lose everything good in the world. the truth is i kept everything good in the world out.

i'm not saying she didn't love me. i'm not saying i didn't love her. just that we got so close to each other, we ended up on the other side. i thought: what is love, if not to need? the idea of being without her made me afraid. i didn't know what i would find in myself if i wasn't constantly trying to be what she wanted me to be.

here's what i've found: peace, easy and quiet. strength. beauty, in every part of me. a breath breathed out. a weight off the shoulders. i used those same words in a poem i wrote months ago. in a poem i wrote three years ago. how long did i know? when i read my old works, it seems like i always did. i was just waiting for the right moment.

the right moment never comes. eventually i had to show up for myself. eventually i had to open the door. and when i did, in came the sunlight, glowing and golden.

she writes to me sometimes. i miss you. it feels like there's a hole in my life without you in it. i don't know how to tell her that for me, that emptiness is a blessing. that i finally have so much space to fill with myself, so expansive and beautiful and strong.

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i won't forget it this time | 03.01.2024

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is this real? are you here with me?

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just ask and i will give it to you

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last night i dreamt that he didn't hurt me

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i miss you

i sprained a muscle in my left arm, can't move it around like i used to. & i think my heart might be giving up: my chest never stops aching these days, bone deep & breaking, & the rain keeps coming, even when forecasts say sun.

i'm losing something, but i don't know what. it slips through my fingers like water. laughter doesn't come easily & my phone never rings.

i should have stayed quiet. i should have kept my head down. i should have been a girl full of glimmer, full of sun, full of the right kind of love.

i miss you. i miss everyone. can we all pile into the car again & drown out words with that loud music you like? i know i always said i hated it, but i think i would give anything to hear it one more time.

i miss you. can we sit on the sidewalk with our knees touching & pretend none of this ever happened? will you let me run backwards? before the alarm bells, before the river flooded, before your car swerved into the wrong lane.

i miss you. wish my phone would ring. wish it would be your voice on the line. wish you could tell me what i'm losing. i miss you. should have asked you the right questions. should have known you'd be gone before i could.

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march 11th

we should go to the river if the rain stops and the smoke clears. we should make the long drive. i'll pay for gas if you bring lemonade, and i'll bring snacks this time, like i promised. if you turn to me like you used to, with the sun in your hair and that look on your face, i'd go anywhere.

no one ever shows the hard parts: the telling, the confrontation, the crying afterwards. it's all glitter and love production.

i'd like the instruction manual, please. a step by step plan: how to get a ride home. how to know where home is. how to tell my mother what i lost and how i can't get it back; how to meet her eyes after.

i'd like a lifetime's worth of forgiveness, a glow-in-the-dark kind of love. i'd like the return on my investment; bones that don't break and a house that stands up. but we don't get what we ask for. you told me that.

i don't know how to talk about the hard parts. i did once, and you never looked at me the same way again. i want to run backwards into a childhood that didn't exist: river water and sunshine and never being hungry. i want to put down the weight i'm carrying, but it's too heavy for anyone else.

thanks for going through the movements. thanks for the phone call, even if was a week too late. i'll listen to your voicemail and then fold the clothes. i'll make sure to notice all the empty spaces that your laughter took up. i'll think about calling you. i won't pick up the phone.

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i went home today.

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spring

i'm ready to let go now. i still remember how it felt that night a few winters ago, the snow and the stars spinning around us, my knees on the ground, your hands hot on my neck. last spring you called me and there was a long silence. i didn't know what to say to make you laugh anymore, and once i could do that anywhere. i never want to feel that way again. i guess this is the hard part. i guess this is what falling out of love feels like. i thought it would hurt more but it's just empty. i can't remember the last time we talked. sometimes i really miss you, or i miss the way you made me feel. i wish i could go backwards, stop us from making whatever decision brought us here. i wish i could make my heart warm again. i miss your laughter and the way you knew me. no one has ever known me like that before and i don't know if anyone will again. i'm leaving because the silences grew too long. i'm leaving because i want more answers and i can't find them in you. i'm leaving because i checked my heart and the ache was finally gone, so i should be, too. i'm sorry i didn't tell you sooner, i was scared and you haven't called. did you know i'm finally doing okay again? i trust myself to make the right decisions now. i let my body take up space. i make the bed in the mornings and brew cups of tea once darkness falls. sometimes i don't think of you at all, not even once. days go by without you stepping into my thoughts. i remember when the love i carried felt like a punishment. do you? i remember when i made myself smaller and smaller, hoping that if i did, you'd finally want me. you did want me, and i'm sorry i couldn't see it when it mattered. i'm sorry you never told me.