S#!T MY FRIENDS SAY

Crazy, inappropriate, hilarious, and fabulous crap that my friends say

[smfs07]

(74) I Already Want to Leave

RN (at the nurse station): “Uugghhhh, y’all gonna make me lose my mind…”

NP(quietly next to RN): “Up in here….up in here”

JM and NP: 😐🙂🤣🤣

[smfs07]

(73) Why I am Single

*after having a friendly conversation in Bumble with a new match…it’s 9pm*

Match: “Are you a night owl?”

Me: “Not at all, I actually just took some magnesium to help me go to sleep.”

Match: “I wish I was fingering you right now tbh”

Me *thinking WTF*: “I wish I was in a overwater bungalow in Bora Bora right now tbh”

*And then I got blocked*

[smfs07]

(72) Whitecap Late Nights

*Playing circle of death*

CK: Name Football Teams - Bears

JK: Packers!!

HE: SEA LIONS!!!!

Everyone: 😳😳😳

JM: Don’t you have season tickets....

HE: 😐

[smfs07]

(71) Walmart Adventures

JM “Can you stop sniffing the Vag soap so we can go please?”

HE “But it smells so good”

[smfs07]

(70) That LA Lifestyle

*Target checkout computers go down for the 3rd time*

JM: “This is how Terminator starts. Skynet is coming.”

AF: “OMG really?”

JM:”...No”

[smfs07]

(69) This F-ing Election

JM: "My sister keeps posting shit on Facebook. Her ass is about to get blocked!" KK: "And now the election is tearing families apart. Friends is one thing, but families...fuck"

[smfs07]

(68) Set him freeeeee

Standing at the crocodile exhibit at the zoo next to a 5 year old boy. J: K got any cutters so we can let him out. K: (touching the lock) Hmmmm LITTLE BOY: 😳terrified and running away

[smfs07]

(67) Buckcherry makes you do stupid things...

[smfs07]

(66) All the Single Ladies

K: “Are you double fisting dating sites right now?!” J: “What? No!” K: “Yes you are, Bumble on your phone and Match on my Laptop” J: “Oh, I guess I am”

[smfs07]

(65) BOY BYE! 👋🏻

[smfs07]

(64) Solo Date Night

[smfs07]

Summer 2016 - Wrigley

SM "Ohhh the dirty things I would do to Kris Bryant ughhh" (leans over) JM "Did you just bite my shoulder?!?" SM "Yessss"

[smfs07]

When you got money riding on a "No Sex for 1 Year" bet! I give her 3 Months

[smfs07]

(61) When You Love Your Mother

KK while driving past a retirement home: "Hey Ma, there's Sunrise. That's where you're gonna go!"

[smfs07]

(60) Wine and Pizza

KK: I feel like we should get a pizza and crack a bottle of wine. JM: (coming around the corner with a glass of wine) Way ahead of you!

[smfs07]

(59) Scoping Out Planet Fitness

JM: What do you think of the guy at the front desk? KK: On a scale of 1 to you’re going to jail…yea you’re gonna go to jail.

[smfs07]

Regarding our ashes for Ash Wednesday