Strange racists and homophobes on the internet seem to have access to an alternate way cooler version of TV than me. "every white character on TV is in an interracial relationship" "every show has a gay couple in it" "main characters keep having to secretly be bisexual and nonbinary" "every show has gratuitous full frontal nudity" like damn promise?? What channel???
you're telling me dorcas "went on a murder rampage and decimated a good chunk of the enemy army before having to be killed by the evil dark lord himself because her lover was killed" meadowes and barty "spent fourteen years plotting to impersonate, torture and lock up his lover's killer" crouch jr weren't best friends?
It's so fitting how you can't breathe through your nose and the pressure in your ears is so much that you can't help but physically feel detached while you're crying. Like my world is ending and it matches me inside and out.
“Ah! Padfoot! Exactly the bloke we need!” James called to him the moment Sirius walked into the common room.
Confused, Sirius looked over to where his three friends were sitting, only to see Remus give him a secret jerk of his head, warning him to run while he still could. Unfortunately, that didn’t seem possible, as James was waving him over jovially.
“Need for what?” he asked hesitantly, walking over to sit with them.
“To figure out who our dear, sweet Moony is sneaking off to see at night! He’s purposely going to the Room of Requirement, you see, so we can’t figure it out!” James announced loudly, causing Remus to turn red.
Sirius fought to not blush as well. “I…really?” he asked, hoping desperately he didn’t sound terrified. “Ah…who d’you suspect?”
“I think it’s Lockheart,” Peter answered promptly, a grin on his face. “Our Remus could easily pull the most good-looking guy in our year, yeah?”
“Exactly!” James agreed. “Just fess up, Moons, we won’t tell! Good on you for getting such a looker, right?”
“I’m not–”
But something ugly and furious roared up inside Sirius’s chest, causing him to cut Remus off. “Oi, Lockheart isn’t the best-looking in the year!” he snapped, crossing his arms.
Everyone looked his way.
“He’s–I mean, he’s not bad! But I mean…me for instance,” Sirius stammered, face twisted in annoyance. “I’m much better, and I’m not a complete prat!”
James chuckled. “What, so you’re saying we should think it’s you that Remus is snogging in the Room of Requirement?” he asked, clearly thinking he was joking.
Sirius and Remus exchanged a glance.
“Er…”
“Well, I…”
“James! You’re also pretty!” Remus jumped in, blushing.
It was the hottest day of the year, so far, and Remus was more than content to stay inside, away from the beating sun. He was visiting the Potters’, as he did nearly every summer for a week or so. Peter would be arriving sometime tomorrow and then the four of them would revel in their status as teenage tearaways as long as they could before returning to Hogwarts for their final year.
James, not one to be scared of a little heat, had roped Sirius into going flying all morning, leaving Remus alone to sip Effie’s lemonade and read. He was just refilling his glass when the two boys returned from their flight, Sirius bursting into the kitchen, James behind him.
Remus almost dropped his glass.
His affection for Sirius had always been apparent, since they were young. He couldn’t explain it, and he didn’t try to. No one got under his skin the way Sirius did, and there was no one he cared for more.
This attraction, however, was fairly new. Spurred on by rushing teenage hormones and Sirius’ newly developed fashion sense, since he left his controlling family behind, Remus has recently been constantly distracted by the other boy. His hair grown out and done up in braids, legs clad often in tight pants or short skirts that leave little to the imagination, it wasn’t uncommon for Remus to find himself unable to tear his gaze away from the other boy.
Right now Sirius is shirtless, pale skin pink and sweaty from the blistering summer heat, expanses of inviting skin left for Remus to ogle. His hair is down, also damp with sweat, and blown back from his face by the wind. He stretches his hands above his head, James’ borrowed gym shorts falling even lower on his hips revealing a trail of dark hair leading south and Remus really, really should look away; but he doesn’t.
He chokes out a sound as James rounds the fridge behind him, blabbering about their flight, but Remus can’t hear a word he’s saying. He’s staring at Sirius’ flushed collarbones hungrily when his voice finally breaks through the horny fog of Remus’ mind.
“Is that lemonade? Merlin I’m thirsty.” Sirius grabs the glass Remus had just poured, for himself thank you very much, and downs it. Remus can’t even summon the focus to be mock upset about the stolen glass, his eyes tracking the bob of Sirius’ adams apple as tips his head back to drink.
“Yeah, you’re not the only one.” James’ voice comes from behind him and Remus whips his head around, actually having forgotten he was there, despite this being his kitchen. His cheeks grow hot with embarrassment when he realizes how obvious his staring must have been for James to comment on it, turning his eyes downwards to not meet either of their eyes. Luckily, Sirius seemed oblivious as he set the empty cup down, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
“Well drink up then!” He said, clapping James on the back as he moved around him to open the fridge and bask in its cool air. “We’re still tied and I refuse to lose. Sure you don’t want to join us Moony?”
Remus cleared his throat before he spoke, not trusting his voice to be unaffected by his… episode.
“No, don’t think so.” He managed to say, before rushing out of the kitchen, letting the door swing shut behind him. It really was hot, even in the house. Maybe he’d go have a shower. A cold one.
i’m so sorry if this is a bother/ stupid but. i love your writing for so so so long and a lot of what you’ve been writing about recently breaks my heart — firstly because im sorry you had to go through what sounds like such an awful relationship, especially when your words, and thereby, if you don’t mind my overstepping, your soul, is so beautiful.
i’m writing because i think one of my best friends is in a similar relationship to the one you’ve described in your poems. at best i don’t think she’s happy in the relationship. at worst i’m worried she might be being hit. i don’t know what to do. what would you have wanted a friend to do in your situation?
please don’t feel obligated to answer this, i just figured i’d ask xx
this is such a hard and careful question to have. it makes me sick to think that at some point, my friends were in the same situation.
the short answer is that you need to be there for them, to the best of your ability, possibly over a long period of time. possibly this might mean they act out in an unusually cruel way; or they might put a huge amount of distance between the two of you; or they might complain about their situation endlessly but never seem to "do" anything.
it is hard, because i cannot recommend you put yourself at risk. and i had friends who put themselves at risk for my benefit. i had them gently try to tell me, over and over - something isn't right here. these are friendships i'd had for many, many years - 5 or more - so most of my friends knew i was acting out of character. i don't know if it's fair to ask newer friends to do this same amount of risk-taking. i'm not a therapist and i don't know the situation you're in specifically.
but my advice is under the cut, to the best of my ability.
what i can say is that you cannot directly attack the partner. it takes a really specific situation to even say "i think you're being abused." as the person inside the relationship, we have been trained to constantly defend, deny, and prioritize our abusers. when someone "attacks" our partner, we feel attacked (due to the trauma bond). we feel like we can't tell you the truth, because it's something we can't handle. it is really, really thin ice. it is easy to feel judged because we often know we should leave, but we aren't able to do so.
because "just leave" is something we see all the time, and it's soul-crushing. i fucking wish i did, but while i was in it, the idea was unthinkable. i knew i needed to, but it felt like saying "i need to lift the ocean." how would i even start that?
you can gently suggest podcasts, audiobooks, and other resources; which i recommend doing as if you're just suggesting anything else. "oh have you read why does he do that? because we should have a book club, that thing was crazy." also, try to make excuses to see her as often as you can. getting space between her and her abuser is the most important thing. see if you can get her to start doing a hobby or sport with you, help her build up community and identity.
be aware that your friend is likely having to defend her relationship to you. i had to fight tooth and nail to keep any of my friends; they were all "suspect". i'd often have to come home early while hanging out with my friends because my ex would fake an emergency. any event like a birthday party was heavily monitored. all friend-centered events were bookended with intense arguments; usually with unfounded accusations of cheating. i had to account for literally every person and moment at the event. if i even split a piece of cake with someone, i was under suspicion.
which is a long way of saying: if she's pulling away, she might still be trying her hardest and balancing having to protect herself and you. i did not want my ex to lash out at my friends. i did not want them having to deal with her anger and the way she treated people. i also knew that if my friends saw how she often spoke to me, they would never have allowed it. and i wasn't ready to leave.
i really need to stress that your friend isn't thinking clearly. consider it almost like an extreme form of sleep deprivation: all her actions will come from a place of almost feral survival. we often think of gaslighting as being something visible from the outside, but i cannot stress enough that you cannot notice true gaslighting until it's too late. it isn't just something baldfaced like "oh the sky is green." it's the fact that if she had said "the sky is green", i was so well-trained by the end that i would have said "you know, that does look like green! :)" just to avoid the argument. and i'd justify it to myself because the sky can be green, and really "the sky is blue" isn't completely true, and some blues are kind of greenish?
so a fact that's like, obvious to you - like your friend is unhappy - isn't going to be present in her mind. in order to avoid the arguments, the punishments, the cycle - your friend cannot take things at face value. that is how gaslighting works. because it's not that we don't know when our partner is being evil, it's that we lie to ourselves about how evil they're being. because if we admit it; that is genuinely dangerous for us. that's why so many of us stay after being hit.
it was a relief when she hit me, honestly, because it was clarity. i had been trying to tell her for months that she got dangerously angry, and she basically said i was just too sensitive. i am 32 years old and i let a person hit me and stayed with her because of how the cycle of control works. when i say "your friend isn't thinking clearly" i mean there's no room in her brain. i was just trying not to get hurt. i couldn't think of anything else. it made me a worse person. i am very lucky my friends were patient with me during this time.
the thing i'm trying awkwardly to communicate is that your friend might not act like your friend; and you might need to allow that. and i know it can be frustrating to have a friend who is consistently making this choice - and you're just doomed to watch. a lot of people would choose to protect their peace rather than deal with that. i am very grateful that my friend group is trauma-informed. if this is someone you love and want to fight for... just... prepare yourself for that. i cannot say - even as a poet - how overwhelming and terrible it is to be inside of abuse. logic, sense, and reason cannot apply. it is like being rabid, all the time. she might need you to forgive her, a lot.
remember that leaving is the most dangerous part. help her if you can. a clean break is best. full block etc. it might take her a long time to get over it. do not rush her. grief works differently for everyone.
towards the end; i had to borrow a phone to text someone i'm sorry but [my ex] is making me block you because she thinks i cheated with you. i had to write the words i am worried for your safety more than anything, and i'm so sorry. i was embarrassed and sweating and weird. i hadn't even seen this person irl more than once. we talk maybe once every six months.
the friend i borrowed the phone from was a lifesaver. she was calm, thoughtful. we were on a beach, she kept holding my hand. i looked at her while i penned the message. "this is insane," i said. "what's happening right now is actually insane." she just kind of nodded and asked, "how can i help?"
at one point, once i'd calmed down a little - my friend said, "do you think you'd want to make a plan with me in order to leave?"
i said i had no idea. i felt crazy. my skin was buzzing. i had never done anything like this. to be constantly accused of cheating, to have to block random people, to have my every move controlled and navigated. how the fuck did it even get to that point? i was terrified that somehow my ex would know that i texted on a borrowed phone. i was terrified that i would get in trouble. i was terrified it wouldn't be enough, that the argument would happen anyway (it did).
she just nodded and held my hand and said, "i'll be there when you are ready for that step." she had texted me often during the relationship - at least twice every week - accepting that i often didn't respond. she later would tell me she had listened to quite a few podcasts and read a few books during this time. i knew something was wrong and i just wanted to figure out how to help. they all said to just be there for you. so i tried to do that.
i can never repay her for that. for just how calm and centered she was during that. that was love. that was patience. and i genuinely think if it wasn't for her (and for all of my friends) - i don't know how i would have made it out. alex literally let me talk about this for an entire month in a row. alison held my hand while i threw up weeping about it. they all just showed up.
good luck to you and to your friend. i'm so sorry it's something that's happening.
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