It’s been about six months since we’ve last talked. I remember our last couple of conversations and a few days ago, you decided to like my post on Facebook. Honestly, I am quite taken aback because not once have you reached out to see how I’m doing ever since I stopped giving so much into our friendship because I realized, possibly a little too late, that it was for most of it’s run, a one way street.
Freshman year, this was the year where I met you in my writing class. You sat next to M, and I sat next to G. We were right across you guys and it was a bit uncanny how much of a parallel this was. We became so close this year, you teaching a naive me, so much about the world. You were there to cheer me up and distract me when I was hung up over a guy. You were there when I laughed, you were also there when I cried. This seems so long ago.
Sophomore year rolled around. Our bond was pretty strong still, we kept going despite the academic difficulties we each encountered, individually. Nothing could stop us. At least, that’s what we thought at the time. We studied chemistry, physiology, biology and were stressed out together. I remember working on our physiology extra credit assignment all by myself. Only for you to take half the credit. But I was okay with that, at the time. We both wanted to do well in school. Then, a few of my friends saw it and warned me about you and how manipulative you can be. I brushed them off, not thinking too much of it. I told myself it was because they didn’t know you like I did. This was the year that I also had a falling out with my best friend and roommate. I was devastated and feeling lost.
Then it was junior year where roles switched. Instead of you being my rock in our friendship, I was yours. I also started to change, being more vocal about my own needs and feelings. But, I held you as you cried and took long walks in your neighborhood with you when a boy broke your heart. I rushed over to your house, cooked you dinner and had these late night conversations with you about our future. I wanted to be there for you, to cheer you up because you had been crying so much. I got worried because you started drinking a lot. We started to drift even further apart. And aside from these period after your break up, we didn’t see each other much. Senior year blurred a lot with junior year because it was a period of time marked by empty texts and broken promises. To be fair, I also started dating somebody and entered a long term relationship right after your break up. I remember getting really upset and angry with you for making me do all the chemistry lab reports that were supposed to be a joint effort over the summer. You apologized, an empty apology, and told me that you would do better from then on. This didn’t happen. It got so bad that I talked to the Professor and he made the whole class write individual lab reports because he knew that you weren’t doing so well in the class and he knew that you weren’t putting in the effort on these assignments. This was a hard summer for our friendship.
Then we hit our fifth, and final year of college. We saw each other so much fall semester when we had a class together. But that was it, just that class and maybe an hour here and there when we had some free time and were just sitting in a coffee shop between class. Still, I made an effort. I invited you over for dinner because I knew you liked my cooking. I delivered coffee to your class because I knew we both loved and relied on coffee to survive. Then I got my heartbroken. I called you, crying, thinking you would be there. But instead, you asked if I could call you back because you were at a party. I guess my breakup was a lot more trivial to you, in comparison to what you went through. So instead, I relied on my other friends. Friends who have been wary of you and tried to protect me, friends who I didn’t listen to because I thought I knew you best. But apparently I didn’t.
Despite this, I still made one last effort after you jokingly called me out for not wanting to hang out with you. You always told me you were busy with class or what not. We could only hang out at your convenience. Even if my excuse was work. I was so focused on work and school and trying to graduate, it hurt when you called me out like that. After I voiced that to you, you told me that you couldn’t continue to be my friend if you couldn’t joke around like that. This was the wake up call. How my feelings were so easily trampled and dismissed, yet you’re there on that Facebook podium talking about politics and social right issues and how your feelings on those matters should be validated. I felt resentment during this time, and pushed through it. We smiled happily in the photos we took together at graduation.
But things didn’t turn ugly until after we graduated. I remember what happened that was so off-putting. It was over a carpool suggestion, and your answer told me that I wasn’t even worth a dollar of gas, if that. Since then, I realized that you just take until there’s none left. And I knew that I wouldn’t keep trying to repair this damaged friendship anymore. You called and left me a voicemail, asking me to go grab coffee. I texted you back and told you that I had already made plans, that we could maybe go on a different day. But you never responded or set a date after that. I didn’t hear from you for a couple months after that. I was okay with it. Then September rolled around, we were both attending a mutual friend’s wedding. The first question wasn’t even how I was doing, or that we should catch up. Instead, you asked me if I had already gotten a gift for the couple yet. This was two days before the wedding. You probably hypothesized that I did, and you’re right. Sadly, I think you only reached out to me to see if you could slap your name on my gift as well because you knew I had most likely already purchased the gift. Instead of being a pushover this time, I just responded very curtly with a yes. The wedding came, you didn’t know many people and the moment you spotted me, you waved, hoping that I would introduce you to my group of friends. Instead, I just waved back and walked away.
And this was the end of our friendship. You haven’t reached out to me and I haven’t reached out to you. But, I don’t really regret it. With you, I felt insignificant and you told me I was not worthy of your time. I’m sorry that I never gave you the chance to redeem yourself, but after so many years of giving you those chances, I think it’s just who you are deep down. It’s a bit bittersweet to realize that you were probably an individual who was meant to be a person to come and go in my life instead of staying for the long run.
vaporwave
germansingergirl
romaincrisis
tangentwithtanner
janainaart
gummygunk
turnnoffyourmind
