In the past 3 years I have done a lot of growing, just like the title suggests. I don’t know when this change started to occur, but I know it’s present now. As of late I’ve been feeling more sure of myself than ever. I feel grounded and strong. I have come to understand life a little bit more than when I was 21. It’s crazy how much can change in just 3 years. I have come such a long way from who I used to be.
3 years ago I was in a dark place and quite unsure of who I am and where I wanted to go in life. I had just gotten out of a bad relationship and was getting over bad habits in my life. I had just started working at Juut and was making a transition into the professional field. I didn’t really know where I fit in with my new peers. Everyone was so beautiful and sure of themselves. I felt so small and fragile. However working for Juut really pushed me to my limits. My mentors were hard on me. There were times when I felt like giving up, but my drive to achieve my dreams were bigger than my feelings of giving up. I owe a lot to Juut. I didn’t think much of it until now, but working for this company really changed me. When I was placed in St. Paul I met Lawkong. He really mentored me on my business practices and helped me with my self confidence. Before hand I had only received tough love, but Lawkong was so kind and understanding. It made me realize it was ok to feel my fears and to not know everything. Slowly I gained my self confidence. It was something I lacked my whole life. I was never sure of myself. Up until now I felt like I was blindly doing things because I didn’t understand myself or my potential.
I ran away from who I really am a majority of my life. It wasn’t so much about actually conforming, but I just couldn’t accept certain things about myself. I kept pretending that side of me didn’t exist. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was consumed by rage, hatred, sadness, and loneliness. I also didn’t want to accept that it was a part of me that will always be there. I didn’t want to be consumed by the dark and I desperately tried to find light in every aspect of my life. I was so against that part of me that craved the darkness. And I kept denying it. I wouldn’t allow this dark side of me to exist and it was causing me great pain. Everyone and everything kept making me feel like the dark was wrong. I kept driving it out when I should have embraced it. It wasn’t until recently that I learned to accept that side of me.
I’m a complex being. Although I don’t think I’m that different from everyone else. I’ve just learned to really accept who I am and be fearlessly brave about it. Now don’t get me wrong. I am a positive being full of love. In fact there was a time where I craved for love terribly. I felt starved of love even when I was loved by so many. It always felt like it was never enough. Yet I always had so much love and joy to spread. I always loved being there for people genuinely. I wanted to listen to people and their troubles. I wanted to reach out to people from the dark and say it was ok to cry. I am genuinely very happy because I have accepted this part of me that is forever lonely. And I mean this in the best way possible. I used to be afraid of being alone. So afraid that I would have panic attacks if I was ever left alone. I felt this sudden rush of overwhelming abandonment come over me and I couldn’t breathe. But now that I have learned more about myself I no longer feel afraid.
I’ve come to terms with a lot of things in my life. I have never loved myself this much before. I have never felt this kind of love before. It’s overwhelming but it feels so amazing. Understanding who I am and not being ashamed makes me feel happy. I stopped caring about what society thought of me. I stopped caring about what others would whisper about me. I’m a little eccentric, a lot of love, a dash of crazy, strong, caring, and well rounded. I understand the goth in me. And I embrace the child in me as well. I often dress like a child and would worry what the world would say. After all I never liked the trends but I wanted to stay “normal”. However normal doesn’t exist. No one is normal. I think that a long time ago someone came up with a standard for normal and people followed it in fear of not belonging. It shouldn’t be this way! We should belong by being ourselves and embracing our differences with one another.
I don’t know if what I’m trying to convey makes much sense, but it does to me. All I know is that I love who I am and I don’t care what anyone thinks. I have allowed myself to be crazy. I will apologize to no one for being me. I have left behind all the anger and sadness I felt. I have come to embrace the side of me who craves for the dark. I appreciate that part of me so much. I didn’t know I would come to love myself, but I also didn’t know that these other Kia’s existed inside of me. I love these other Kia’s I have suppressed for so long. I love being alone in solitude. I love quiet mornings. I love nature and silence. I love cooking and hosting dinners for my friends.
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