Okay, so, took two years, but official verdict on the roommate's dog that wasn't originally part of the agreement in moving in but we'd say let's give it a go and we'll see how it goes:
From the bottom of my heart, genuinely most unfortunately she's an actual asshole because of her lack of training. She's being terrible to us, she pretends to behave and does the opposite as soon as she thinks it's safe to do what she wants, she takes zero punishments to heart unless it hurts her (Pretty sure I know why. I blame Roomie's ex-wife), and she's terrible to the other dogs who she knows and she grew up with. Like actually terrible. I never thought I'd say this unironically but it's gotten to the point where I can say "Her greed sickens me" and mean it
(I'll admit the rest of this is pretty much me ranting because I'm exhausted.)
I just had to haul her out of the office 'cause she mounted one of them, the bigger of the two, out of nowhere for dominance. One that she's been relentlessly pushing around, harassing, shoving herself between him and other people, yelping like she's in pain when we go to touch him around her doing that, and has also been doing all that to the OTHER dog she grew up with who is much smaller -- and they're both over 10 years old. She's shoving them around and will not leave them alone, but she won't play with them either. She hasn't tried to play with them. Only monitor, push around, and push down or where she wants them
It keeps getting chalked up to Motherly Instincts like with the forceful face licking or Herding Behaviour like with the pushing, but last I checked climbing on top of a dog minding his own business and going to hump him isn't either of those. Last time she did that, I thought she was just being hormonal 'cause she was on her time-of-the-month (she's not spade), but even then she went to hump his head. Now she's totally normal in that regard. It's just her
This time of year is already so tiring, man. I'm sure there's reasons behind the behavior and I'm pretty certain I know a lot of them, but for months now I haven't been able to convince my roommate to get her the professional training she seriously needs and I can't afford financially afford to just do it regardless of him. I know how to do the training myself, but I literally can't; I can't stay as on-top of her as the training she needs requires of me. And now she's doing this to his other dogs who're physically struggling. We had guests over last night who saw it in action and agreed she can't be around other dogs until something changes, meanwhile a lot of her worst behavioral flare-ups come from under-stimulation and other things
I'm fuckin trying, man. I can't do this alone and I still have to somehow. I wish I could re-home her myself because this house isn't working for her, but Roomie's got her signed up on so many contracts and things I literally cannot do it without him being a major part of the process and he keeps changing his mind on things over essentially bandaid fixes that he sometimes actually does.
Sometimes I'm grateful I have a lot of experience in many spaces, and sometimes I fuckin hate it because I feel like I sound like a TURBODICK if folks don't know what I mean o(-(
I'm so tired of being worried someone's taking what I say as ableist just cause I have one foot in neurodivergent-heavy spaces and the other in neurotypical ones and I talk about both when I don't mean to. It'd probably be easier to remember setting one aside over the other if I myself fit into either, but I don't;; I have to remember both prominently all of the time. I don't really get that "break"
One day I'll get better at doing that, but until then, fuck me man
I gotta rant for a minute or else I'm gonna explode.
I get the whole mom/dad/parent friend thing, and I get saying things in a sweet, almost sing-song affectionate way that's fitting to that, but what I DON'T get is why people keep thinking I, of ALL people, would like being treated that way
I DON'T like to be spoken to like I'm a kid. I DON'T like the little sing-song tone being taken up with me. I DON'T like being babysat and I DON'T like being TOLD what to DO when I. Didn't. ASK.
I am in my god damn 30s and am KNOWN to be VERY independant. What the fuck makes people think I'd LIKE being spoken to like a CHILD?
I took the day off yesterday to cool this exhaustion and tempter after it's been tested nonstop lately, and now I come back to things so much better and in a matter of SECONDS I am RIPSHIT. I'm better than I was some hours ago when it first happened, but I'm gonna go feral. I took a day off to calm down and now I feel worse than where I was yesterday.
I need a fuckin break. Not from work! Work's been great! I need it from fuckin people, because I give an inch and this happens instead.
... There is something to be said about me doing this 2 times in one month, huh. Going the extra mile to get someone out of a bad home because why not. I can, so why not
I think the craziest thing about getting better is that I can tell it's happening because I'm actually clear headed enough to recognize when I'm triggered by something. I now recognize what being triggered feels like.
It's insane. The unmanageable rush of panic that creeps into my throat so fast its like I'm fighting not to choke. The hastened breath, pounding heart, I remember standing in the kitchen thinking "But I wasn't pacing while talking. Why am I so winded?" I had always chalked it up to pacing.
It's like my body is starting to fight for its life, meanwhile I'm just standing there, or suddenly I want nothing more than to skin myself like a carrot because someone worded something weird when they were offering to help in a more flexible and open way than my brain latched onto.
Thinking about drinking again. Just to make the thoughts stop. Just enough to calm down and stop quietly panicking over things that don't matter, really, but have unfortunately become serious triggers for me
I wish I realized how badly all those years were fucking me up sooner
I'm glad I've somehow dodged being an alcoholic while essentially self medicating with the stuff
Maybe one day I'll stop being useless where people think I'm able to do something and stop being assumed incapable when something else is physically stopping me from doing something, no matter how hard I try
Maybe one day people will not take me saying "No I've been trying, I just actually can't do this until ___ changes" as me not knowing how to do it. That I can't do something because I don't know how or, oh, I don't know, me not being able to do literally anything outside in 95+ degree weather on a cloudless day because I actually can't think straight and my body starts to PANIC, FULL BLOWN, which is probably a bad time for me to drive a lawn mower
Maybe one day I'll stop feeling like a useless heap
Had a dream that a long time friend I knew died. I didn't really feel anything. Just kinda stared at the news while a friend talked to me about it
I remember thinking about my friend who recently passed (IRL) and how badly that's affected me, but how I've known this dude for so much longer and thinking, "Shouldn't I be feeling something?"
Genuinely fucked up that I have to make a memento for my dead friend who was like the brother I never had, because all I was left of him was fucking dice, like I can do anything important to me with $4 math rocks given So Generously by someone who cares a lot more about dice than I ever have
It's weird looking back -- like really taking a moment to stop and look back -- at how people responded to my illustrations and art before I found where I'm at now. It's like night and day. I never thought I'd have this
I needed a place to scream @smiling-blacksmith - Tumblr Blog | Tumgag
