See Me Through the Haze
Pairing: Smoke/Tomas Vrbada x female reader Words: 8,4k Warning: eventual and rather explicit smut, loosely scattered canon Genre: fluff, angst, all good stuff AO3 / Playlist Summary: Through observations, you think there’s more than meets the eyes when it comes to Tomas Vrbada. What could lie beneath all that grounded charm, anyway?
I.
The first time you saw him was in the market.
You were at a florist, with an ill person in mind, torn between the sunflowers in your hand or the daisies resting enchantingly on the pot slightly below you.
Unexpectedly, someone bumped onto your back. Rather harshly, you found yourself almost with flowers on your face– if it wasn’t for two strong grips on both of your upper arms that stood you back up.
“Sorry!” A hasty male voice echoed, followed by fading footsteps– he seemed to be in a hurry.
And there he was, turning your vision to gray. Well-groomed, platinum ashen hair went further the longer you set your gaze on it. You thought you’d never see the face that owned such sublimity, and you weren’t even a tiny bit curious.
But then he turned around and your eyes met his briefly. In that split second, you saw a captivating gray. You wished he’d stand still so you could observe deeper how it resembled the sea at night after a thunderstorm. Instead, you froze at the sight. Even when the man fetched you a concise smile, you failed to react.
Though you knew, even when he turned away once again, you’d still think that it was the most intriguing pair of eyes you’d seen in a long time.
II.
Making peace with yourself knowing you'd never see him again wasn't so difficult, but the universe really wanted you to run into each other once again.
It was a Saturday and you made your regular trip to the market, to get your hands on some oranges this time.
You wouldn't know one of the fruits had pests if a strange hand hadn't swatted your arm harshly.
"Ouch! What the f–"
"Sorry, Miss. There were pests around that particular orange. I–" The man's voice lightened as soon as he saw your face, "Oh, it's you again."
You remained frozen– even when a part of his face was covered with a black medical mask, you wouldn't easily forget those storm-like eyes, ashen hair, and fit physique.
But as dazzling as those eyes and everything that came with it were, you had to remind him of that first encounter, "Aren't you the guy that bumped me into the flower pot last week?"
"I owe you another apology, don't I?" He sheepishly scratched the back of his head.
You shook your head at his remark, "No, it's just you've crashed onto my back, spat my hand over some silly pests, what's next? Is blowing my brains out on your agenda?"
"You're funny." He cackled– this guy actually found you funny when you weren’t even trying, "But I can assure you, I would never. Guns don't intrigue me that much."
Folding both of your hands, you questioned his intention, "And how should I trust you?"
The man mumbled for a second, "The next time you see me, you will arrive in the comfort of your own home, in one piece. You have my word. "
"Hmm…" You muttered at his assurance, "Okay. But only because we're never gonna see each other again."
"But what if we do?" He smiled confidently, challenging you.
"Then we'll learn about each other's names."
Contrary to his expression, he shook his head this time, "I don't think the universe would be that kind to us."
You shrugged and walked away.
III.
"We should stop meeting like this."
A rather familiar voice rang at the library when you were searching for a certain agricultural journal.
You rolled your eyes in amusement- this guy again, At this point, you'd gotten used to him being in a mask, "You know, if I was a little less nicer, I would accuse you of stalking me."
"Thankfully, you seem nice enough that you wouldn't think of such a thing." He remarked as he walked over to where you were standing, "But for the record, I hadn't been stalking you. I promise."
"That's what a stalker would say, though."
He let out a chortle. "You misread my intent. I only came here to read."
"You read… journals? Are you getting your masters too?" You raised an eyebrow.
"Now, I was just curious what lies in this section of the library." His eyes browsed upward, "I'd never come up to this section until now. I usually stopped at fiction."
You find that hard to believe. Guys you'd know wouldn't read for fun. "Really? What are you reading, then?"
"Currently? Norwegian Wood ."
"What's it about?" You tested him.
"So this man named Toru was reminiscing the day when his best friend committed suicide, and somehow he bonded with the woman said best friend used to date. Haven't gotten too far, but it has been an interesting read."
You pondered for a few seconds– you hadn't read it, but you knew he didn’t hastily flip the back cover as you were asking. Maybe he did like to read indeed, so you'd decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.
"What else have you read?"
"Oooh, alright," Your question seemed to have caught him off guard, " Slaughterhouse Five, a few of the Harry Potter series , The Catcher in the Rye, The Secret Garden … any fictions. Though the Harry Potter series is always a comfort read."
"I have studied the Harry Potter series quite religiously, actually. Have you seen the movies?"
"I would love to, but my time doesn't seem to permit me. With books, I could read little by little in my spare time, and before bed."
"Impressive," You nod approvingly. "Not many guys I know have that much range, commitment and/or masculinity when it comes to fiction."
"I wouldn't easily call a hobby of mine with such high praise," He dismissed your compliment, "I'm Sm– uh… Tomas. Remember your promise?"
You laughed a little too loud that you initially wanted- such a trivial thing to remember, but you took his hand anyway, "I'm–"
The surrounding shushed you before you could say anything. Your eyes met and he shrugged indifferently. Maybe it was imperative that you learn a little bit about Tomas. And you weren’t going to lie to yourself– he was easy on the eyes.
"Let’s sit down.”
IV.
Ever since that day you met in the library, you had been seeing Tomas every now and then– not in a way someone would presume. You’d work on weekdays and go to the library on weekends. Tomas would also head there on Saturdays. It was only natural since your schedules were aligned.
Although it would be safe to say that the conversations were as innocent as a lamb. Yes, you'd been enjoying his company, even when there was only silence where you were on your laptop with him sitting across you with a biography of an Indonesian president on his hand.
“Upgraded to non-fictions, haven’t we?” You looked up from your gadget and startled him.
“The word I’d use is ‘exploring’” He corrected, “Fascinating that not only I learned about this man and his background, but also much about the country he’s leading.”
“Like why he lost a lot of votes because of a rumor that he was secretly a Christian?”
Tomas’ eyes widened, “You’ve read this?”
“Oh, just briefly. I got distracted quickly with the dissertation I’m working on. But I’d love to know your thoughts on it.”
“You do?”
There was a tinge of disbelief in his tone, and you squint in response. “You seem surprised.”
“I am. Very much so,” He admitted, “No one around me really has the will or time to read, let alone discuss books with me.”
You cocked your head to the side, “Why do you like reading anyway?”
Tomas mulled over it for a few seconds, finally putting his book aside, “It is a distraction from my thoughts. Rid me from my nightmares… something to occupy the mind, you could say.”
“I get that you’re not comfortable telling me about those thoughts?”
He shrugged apologetically, “It’s going to be a really long conversation. Maybe another day?”
You nodded, “You’re interesting.”
Tomas chuckled this time, displaying his perfect teeth, “Have you seen yourself?”
V.
When you told Tomas that you’d be at the coffee shop nearby on a Wednesday to work remotely, he said he’d come by in the late afternoon, and he kept his promise.
He arrived in the middle of a work meeting when you were grilling a coworker (firmly and professionally, of course) about their slacking. Tomas knew better than to interrupt you, so he sat down in front of you and quietly glued himself to his book.
You'd look up occasionally only to find him stealing glances at your seriousness. His expression was barely readable, but when the edges of your lips perk up, he returned his attention back to whatever he was reading.
As perplexing as he was, you'd come to realize a few things about Tomas after a few months:
How important his brothers were to him.
You thought he had gray eyes, similar to the color of smoke, but they were nearly silver the longer you stare- like two blinking moons.
When he laughed over something you'd say, it was as if stars appeared when he squinted his eyes. Even though you weren’t even trying to be funny.
Although some things were still a mystery to you. Hell, you didn't know what he did for a living. You should’ve known by now, but it seemed like you’d never reach the subject no matter how hard you fish.
Like at this moment– you were telling him about the call you just had, and never once did he respond to your stories with his own. He was listening intently, asking things that needed to be asked, with replies that stopped on the edge of being nosy.
You knew you were slowly drawn to him, getting used to his presence in your life, feeling something was amiss if he was away on a Saturday.
The big question mark was this; was he into you too?
VI.
It was partly answered when he left his Atticus poetry book in the library. You curiously had to flip through the pages he’d touch, skipping the one he had bookmarked with a string of ribbon that came with the book.
Somewhere in the middle, a sheet was folded neatly at the bottom right corner. It was a passage that felt like it was calling you.
The page that, strangely, left you restless that night. The page you secretly hoped had you in his thoughts right now.
--
To be honest
you scare me
I’m terrified of letting you in
of seeing myself
more clearly through your eyes
wondering if I’m good enough
or if one day I’ll lose you
but the truth is
not having you at all
scares me more
than all the other
truths of love
and that thought
makes me brave.
ATTICUS
--
VII.
It was throwback karaoke night at a bar in your neighborhood when you desperately needed a break. You had some cocktail just enough to make you deliciously tipsy– just enough for you to swallow your pride and reach that microphone on stage.
Unluckily, M2M's Pretty Boy was the song you got, which you thought was like cheese platter in the form of a song, but sitting on the dented couch all night wasn't in your cards today, so of course you'd treat it like a masterpiece by singing it like a simp in love.
There was a moment in the song where you found yourself dissociating– your friends called you out on it. It was the mojito, you'd say.
The truth was something you wouldn't admit– not even to yourself, but it was the point where you realized you'd been singing with Tomas in mind.
And if someone asked again, you'd tell them you didn't even think about him when you were stroking your clit that night. You didn't think about how his lips would feel against every inch of your bare skin, or how his tongue would feel on your entrance.
Or when you breathe your release, the picture of his face, releasing inside of you, did not come to mind.
VIII.
That Saturday, Tomas gave you company to the flower stall. Yes, the one where he struck you… literally and figuratively.
You actually hated the idea of giving someone flowers, let alone receiving them. To you, it felt like handing a bouquet of death. Pretty flowers cut out from their roots, an integral part of its life, for the sake of human’s love where it would end up only slowly decaying on someone’s hand. Selfishness at its best.
When you told Tomas about this, he sort of nodded, but of course he would question your intention in this very stall. He could be very inquisitive.
“So why are we here?”
“My grandmother loves them. She doesn’t get out of bed anymore, so this is what she’ll see on her nightstand to remind her of her flower garden.” You explained as you finally settled on yellow hydrangeas and a few baby breaths.
“She must feel so lucky to have a loving granddaughter like you.”
And you thought he said he wasn’t a flirt when his sentences of flattery flowed so naturally, “She barely remembers me even if I visit every now and then. I guess she’s lucky I haven’t thrown her off the balcony.”
“There’s no way an act of violence could ever cross your mind,” He laughed way louder than you initially expected, “But still. It takes strength to care for someone with such a condition, and I adore you for it.”
When the shopkeeper handed you the bouquet, you didn’t bat an eye. Fixing them on Tomas was a rather automated response, “Adore me, huh?”
Tomas nodded, “Very much.”
Now walking side by side, you dwelled on the words he uttered. He sure sounded genuine… almost too genuine.
To you, someone shouldn’t have been too good to be true. Tomas was just there where the rest of the world was against you, and he was the only solace you had to rest your head on.
There were moments where you tried to hold back, unsure of what this could lead to, because Tomas himself never once attempted to cross that line between friends and something more than that.
But even in the crowded market, thousands of people, you only had eyes on him. And your gut said it meant something, so your only choice was to trust it.
“Wait,” You stopped your tracks, had your grip on his jacket, “Would you… take your mask off?”
To your surprise, he pulled the string off his ear and mumbled, “Oh, right, it was almost time to change it anyway. I–”
“That's not what I meant.”
“Excuse me?” His brows furrowed.
You breathe once. Here it goes . “Kiss me, Tomas.”
You saw his bottom lip dropped at your demand. Pupils dilating, before he swallowed hard. The air around him was thick, but you were walking through the fog in search of his truth.
“Wha– I–”
“You don’t have to if you don’t want to.”
His lips were moving, but it was as if all the things he’d like to say had been swallowed by a storm.
“I-I want to. More than you’d ever realize. It’s just…”
“Then what’s stopping you?”
He inhaled once. Twice. You knew whatever it was, was building up inside of him. The fear. The panic. It was new to see him in this solid frozen state.
But for you, it was too late to tell him to forget you'd ever request such a thing, and what happened next made your heart drop.
“I have to go.”
IX.
It had been three Saturdays without Tomas.
You were pissed as shit when he ran out on you, but you didn’t acknowledge it at the time. What was so new about a guy ghosting you, anyways? You had thought to yourself.
But you had some time to process your feelings, and it was safe to say that you missed his laughs and how those beautiful eyes just lit up every time. You missed how totally readable his expressions were with everything he read. You missed how expressive and relaxed he was around you. You missed how he read every label in the grocery store like they were the only good thing to read.
Alright, you were pissed because you plainly, straightforwardly missed him – it felt like you couldn’t think about it enough to justify it.
Nevertheless, it still stunned you when he appeared in the library on the fourth Saturday.
You wished you could reach out to him across the table and pour all of the longing out, but he did disappear on you, and you felt like you deserved some kind of explanation.
“I would never beg for your apology, especially after what I'd done… running out on you was beyond unhonorable of me… and for what it's worth, I truly am sorry.”
For the first time, Tomas reached out for your hands. While letting him, you gave all it takes not to react too much to the sudden electric charge just by the touch of hands. Instead, you displayed a wry, disbelieved expression.
“What took you so long, though? Where have you been?”
“Something… family, uh– work related, came up.” He stuttered. He did it again whenever similar things were brought up, “I wanted to reach out sooner, but Bi-Han and Kuai Liang needed me.”
You nodded as if you were understanding the situation, though you weren’t sure it came across. You could care less about his brothers.
But then he continued, “But I am desperate. I am desperate for you to know that not a day has gone by without the thoughts of you in my mind.”
You knew he was dead serious, he was full of expression and it was clearly drawn all over his face, but you jested in the hope he'd loosen up– maybe a little bit of a defense mechanism to show that you weren’t so affected by it, “Now you sound just a guy trying so hard to get laid.”
He dipped his head exhaustedly, but you knew he was smiling, “I really am bad at this. I told you.”
“It’s amusing, you know.” You smiled slightly, “Tell me, though. Did you want to kiss me back then?”
“I think you can tell how badly I wanted to.”
“Why didn’t you, then?”
He sighed, averted his gaze to another direction, “Because you haven’t the slightest clue about who I am.”
"And why should it matter?"
Tomas took his time to answer your question, then he sighed, "Because it's… you."
The response almost took your breath away. You wanted him to realize that it was him. He was the person that put you at the utmost desperation to have someone. Knowing his feelings were all sorts of genuine, how come it felt like he had no clue how you felt about him?
"Look, Tomas," You pulled your hand out of his grip and placed it on top of his, “You must be smart enough to notice that I… care about you. I like you. You’re constantly in my thoughts that it drove me insane the last three weeks that you ghosted me. And I know for sure that you care about me too. Otherwise, why would you show up again?"
Tomas nodded slowly.
"I'm saying that I don't want you to do anything you're not comfortable with, but I also am asking you to keep an open mind– would it kill you to try to… show me?"
He gulped– you knew he was constantly thinking about it too.
That was how he ended up in your apartment, kissing you slowly on the edge of your bed. He really had the softest lips and he probably had no idea how long you'd been imagining the scenario.
But only then, when you placed Tomas' stilted hand on your thigh, it dawned on you that the intimacy felt… off.
You soon found out why– as you opened your eyes in the midst of the liplock, you saw him squint rather awkwardly.
"Tomas, are you okay?" You moved his shoulders away to gauge his reaction.
"Huh? Um, yes." He was rather taken aback when you broke the kiss, "Was it good for you?"
You blinked twice, "Was it good for me ? No it was not! Because you clearly was uncomfortable and it made me feel like I've taken advantage of you, and it's–"
"No, no, you're not!" He assured you, "I really wanted to try that too, but clearly I… still have issues."
"But wait, you've… done it before, right? Kiss someone, I mean."
He paused, almost seemed like something jolted him, "A long time ago, yes."
“Did it lead to, uh…”
“It did. And it didn’t work out for me.”
“How so?”
Tomas stayed silent for a brief moment as if he was trying to thread his words carefully, “I got carried away with my feelings without any reciprocation at her end, so I… can say that I uh, didn’t handle the situation too well.”
“What did you do?”
“I… raged. I took a jab at her… sadly, literally. Kuai Liang was there to stop me, but she was so frightened that she left the clan.”
Oh, hell no. You did not just convince someone who had been enclosed to sex for years to just put it in like it was nothing– such… borderline predatory behavior of you. The story could look much deeper than a mere intimacy issue, so you had to take action.
"Okay you know what, get up. We're moving to the couch." You rose up and motioned him to follow you out.
"To do what?"
"To sort your shit out. You need to man up and tell me things I need to know about you. Do you drink red wine?"
At that, he practically jumped out, "The risk that will come with it– I don't think I can allow it."
You threw your arms up– this guy did not just make another excuse. "Look, I've had it with this will-it-won't-it bullshit. Clan? Taking a jab at someone? Do you even want to be with me if you had to enclose yourself all the damn time?"
"You have no idea how much I yearn for you." He stressed his words like a vocalized highlight.
"Then what kind of risk are you bullshitting about?!”
“That what I am, could drive you away from me! I barely grazed the surface and I am already terrified you’d run.”
His voice was shaking and instantly the jitter inside you was present. You felt horrible, egoistical for shouting at him, but even then, you were so sure whatever it was, was only in his imagination.
“Tomas, I… I won’t go.”
Tomas froze at the change in your tone. You took a step towards him this time and felt his face flinched beneath your touch, like fire that melted ice. He grabbed your lower arm as he breathed a sigh of relief
"I promise. Whatever it is, I can take it."
"No! How could I be sure?!" This time, it was Tomas who yanked your hand away from him, "I was content with being who I am, what I do, even what eerie vision that crawls to me every night, what possessed me back then– I’ve buried all the bad memories behind this… façade that they haunt me no longer. But then you… you came into my life and every bone in my body aches for you… so I started questioning everything– does my principal resonate with you? Will you understand all parts of me? Am I good enough for you? I just– just the thought of losing you hurts me and you're not even mine to lose. Because look at you… every time I look up to the sky, the only thing I can think of is you and your beautiful face and how a single person could make all the stars in the universe shine brighter every night. Here I am witnessing everything, and yet I feel like I don’t deserve to feel this way."
His words overwhelmed you. A surge of feelings flowed through- it was warm, yet freezing at the same time.
If you had enough bravery, you would run up to him and kiss his insecurities away, but you couldn't risk sending him on the edge once more.
"By the gods, Tomas," You pressed your foreheads together at that, breathing slowly near him, "You're not gonna lose me… That was all in the past, and I’m sure to be where you are now, you’ve been through hell and back. Your past might be bitter, but don’t you ever think that I wouldn’t understand. Because frankly, I was miserable the day you ran out on me, and that longing feeling meant something to me. Why you refused to see it is just… beyond me.”
Slowly yet surely, his muscles relaxed under your touch. You could see his eyes blinking ever so gently that you couldn't help but to pull him into an embrace.
"What does it take for you to believe me? To let me in?" You asked him.
"This," Tomas finally whispered, "Your heartbeat synching with mine… it felt like I could forget that I'm about to reopen some old wounds."
You caressed his hair softly, warm cheeks touching, "Tomas, I’m sorry… you don't have to if you're not–"
"It's alright." He released you. This time, he tangled his fingers on your hair, "I need to do this. For us."
"Are you sure?"
"Yeah," He gave away a wry smile, "I want you. I want all of you. And I want you to have all of me too."
There were images flash in your head, like fragments: of you bringing your lips closer to his, of you sealing… whatever this strange connection between the two of you. But you decided to remain still. The last thing you wanted to do was to ask more of him than what he was ready to share with you.
So, there you were, standing before him with your foreheads touched. Physically, he was right where you wanted him, but emotionally, it felt like you were about to be let into a strange, strange territory.
But frankly, you didn't feel scared.
---
Tomas, 15 years ago.
She had been in his thoughts ever since that night.
Yes, that night in the communal shower where she offered herself to him. Tomas, who was 16 and curious, submitted to the desire.
She was a year older, more experienced, and that night made him feel alive. Her lips allured with sin, melding with his untouched ones. Hands all over her supple figure under the drops of warm water when their bodies were joined in passion.
Hence, he’d been persistent to always get close to her. There were no walls that could talk louder than those inside the Lin Kuei temple– she knew everything about him without even being his trusted ally.
She didn’t see him that way, though. Other than a pleasurable mate for a night. Perhaps it was the way she ignored every letter he’d quietly slip inside her pocket, or it could be the way she avoided eye contact during every training session, but Tomas chose to read too much between the lines. He'd fallen far without bothering to look down.
Telling Tomas to fuck off, straight to his face, was the last straw. He was enraged. There was something inside him that pulled him beneath the surface, controlling him with anger so profound he swung his karambit at her.
It missed her by a tick, but that didn’t stop him.
He jabbed again. Again. And again. Yet he kept missing. She knew him so well that she’d read all his patterns. The girl was driven by fear, but her Lin Kuei training was enough to save her so far.
Tomas growled, teeth gritting. His blood taste of metallic slowly seeping between his gums. Dark, gray eyes resembling thunder pierced through her. The fox had finally found the lamb.
He was sure he'd get her this time. The demon's voice echoed through his head, and it demanded control over his body, wanting to close up on his walls. The fury crawled in his skin, all the way to his right hand, slinging the knife for her eye.
"Brother, stop!"
Two strong arms held him down, clanking the knife to the floor. His movement was restricted at its best.
It was Kuai Liang.
"Go. Far away. Now!" Kuai Liang warned the girl, and she disappeared behind the shadow.
Tomas' breath was in disarray when his brother slowly released him to the floor.
"Deep breaths, Tomas."
Tomas could feel his heart pounding, threatening to jump through his throat. Even with Kuai Liang's guidance, he found it hard to regain control of his shivering skin.
"I– I don't– I-I can't…"
"You can," Kuai Liang's voice was calm, "Your one-sided involvement with her took control of your emotions. It feeds the demon in your visions."
"W-Where did she go…"
"For now, it's none of your concern. You must get better. For the future of Lin Kuei."
Although filled with regret, Tomas knew Kuai Liang was right. The girl had never shown face in the Lin Kuei Temple ever since, which made Bi-Han furious since she'd displayed promise, but Kuai Liang had Tomas' back through it, and Tomas couldn't ask for more.
Kuai Liang guided him to a mindful path, encouraging him to regularly meditate at the crack of dawn. Mindfulness leads to better magic , he'd say. Xiaoqin noticed the difference in his studies, too.
Though Xiaoqin knew, Tomas could get even further. And yet, something was still holding him back.
"Where are you taking me, Xiaoqin?" He'd asked.
"The Lin Kuei library, per usual. You needed reading materials." His movement showed no haste, so Tomas stayed walking a step behind him.
"But I have all I need already. Remember we were here last week?"
At his questioning, the elder arcanist replied, "No, not that. Just something more than your studies to occupy your mind."
They stopped at the fiction section, and Xiaoqin slid a book out to the nearest table.
It was Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone .
"I have to read this?" Tomas was puzzled, "Why?"
Xiaoqin laughed, as if he'd already expected Tomas' reaction, but it could be the magic-themed book– maybe Xiaoqin was plotting another method of learning. Though Tomas had a feeling it was more than that.
"Because, Tomas," He looked into his eyes, "It'll give you hope."
---
X.
You invited Tomas to your parents' beach house. It was quite a drive from the city, but Tomas insisted he could get there himself.
Besides it being your first proper date with him, it really was to show him that despite everything he'd told you about, no matter how unexpectedly absurd and incomprehensible, you'd stick around. That the only thing that mattered was his heart.
You put on a white summer dress that stopped in the middle of your thighs. Tomas seemed to be impressed, by the way– you thought you saw him gulped when he noticed it.
There were a lot of changes this evening. Unlike before when he was merely a listener, Tomas told you more things about him with ease as if he had nothing to hide anymore.
The laughs were there per usual, though. As you had the home cooked dinner, Tomas was telling you about all the time he sneaked out of the Lin Kuei temple and did things which you thought were pretty dumb for a nerd like him.
"Did you just call me a nerd?" He asked in amusement.
"I'm just surprised no one has been more forward to call you so." You put down your wine glass as you shrugged.
"Maybe because I look all thug on the outside."
You snorted this time, "Okay, Smokey Bear."
"First, a nerd, and now a nickname I shouldn't have told you about," He shook his head, "You’re lucky you have a smile so beautiful I might forget everything you just said."
"Ah… just my smile then." You forced a frown on your face, at least this got him to laugh.
"No, I didn’t mean… What I mean is that uh– well, you're just beautiful. J-Just look in the mirror." Tomas stammered, "I'm still bad at this, am I not?"
"Yeah," You held back a giggle, "You're lucky you're handsome. And that I've made you dessert."
"D-Dessert?" His eyes widened.
"Yeah. I hope you like something chocolate-y."
You placed two scrumptious looking cupcakes in front of him. Not to toot your own horn, but your peanut butter and chocolate ones were your signature for a reason. Dark chocolate based cake, half chocolate fudge frosting, half peanut butter frosting, with a gooey peanut butter center. Rich, sweet, savory, decadent, everything in one bite.
And Tomas seemed to agree– he didn't blink once.
"What? Oh, don't tell me you hate cupcakes." You swear if he did, that labor intensive baking you did all afternoon would be thrown out the window.
"Can't you tell how excited I am? The only dessert being served in the Lin Kuei temple are fruits."
It was true, even his voice beamed like sunlight.
"Really? Well… dig in."
Tomas took a bite and his eyes practically rolled back.
"Wow."
"Good wow, I hope?" Your tone was wishful.
"These are a drop of heaven! Are you kidding me? No wonder they don't serve real dessert there!" He mumbled as he took another mouthful.
Not because you were insecure, but you breathed a sigh of relief when he kept eating, and you couldn’t believe it when someone so fit decided to gulp down another cupcake. Though you were most excited to show Tomas the best part of the house.
He was pleasantly surprised when he found out that your parent's beach house came with a private beach, but you fought the urge to be sarcastic because he had been such a pleasant company through the night.
The laughs you shared were one thing, but it was the newly emerging, intensified physical touches.
Entangling of hands, his chest against your back, everything just finally felt… right. All the more when you breathe a sigh of relief, resting your head back on Tomas' shoulder, and feeling his jaw caressing your hair.
"I can't believe you grew up in a place which nighttime looks like this," He was still in awe as both of you sat above a blanket you spreaded out earlier, "It really is quite a sight to behold. Full moon, warm night, the sound of the waves…"
"Well, I can't believe you're actually here… with me." Your gaze fell onto the calm rippling water, "You probably wouldn’t believe it, but I’ve never brought anyone here before."
"That's rather surprising. Why start with me?" He inquired.
"Conveniently, my parents asked me to stay here for the weekend. To check on the house while they're away for a job in Peru." You explained, "But to tell you the truth, I uh, just like you being close to me."
Tomas mused for a brief second. You thought you saw a sheepish smile on the corner of your eyes, but then his arms wrapped around your figure.
"Thank you." He beamed.
"Hm? For what?"
"Everything," His fingers tilted your chin close to his face, "I'm glad I met you."
You knew it was bound to happen. You saw how his eyelids fluttered as his gray eyes slowly shut. He inched closer, and you almost surrendered to the way your heart beat for him.
But you giggled instead, turning his face away with a push of your palm.
"That, is for ghosting me the other day."
"So that's how it felt like," He dipped his head away, exaggerating a frown, "That's fair. I deserve that."
"You kinda do," You joked, though of course there was honesty there, "But for the record, I'm glad I met you too, Tomas Vrbada."
Tomas shook his head, "You don't know what you're saying, beautiful."
"What do you mean?"
"You saved me," He said, "The world, it has left me gray and guilty. Guilty that I was the only one alive when my family wasn't. Guilty when Lin Kuei took me in. Guilty that Bi-Han, someone I looked up to, may never fully accept me as a Lin Kuei. Guilty that I have to put on a face where none of that bothers me, when it was eating me alive. The magical smoke power I mastered is the result of all of that, or so I've been told but I deny."
Shifting your head to gauge his expression, you stayed quiet. Only nodding your head sympathetically.
"But you… you were so persistent in coaxing me out of my shell, and I was scared to open up to you, afraid that it would leave me as jaded as the last time, but you made me feel… liberated. Secured, even. You stayed. You still laugh with me. You… found the colors to paint me with."
It was one of those moments where you knew he didn’t try to woo you. Just him being honest, and it was more than enough for the warm smile emerging on you.
"I've been in countless fights, but this feeling– my feelings for you… I can't fight it anymore." Tomas uttered his heart out.
His gaze was finally fixed on you. It had been building up on him.
He gaped.
He breathed once.
"I love you."
Three simple words and your breath was taken away.
You'd be lying if you said the confession left you speechless. The truth was that he made your tongue so weak it forgot how to utter a single sentence.
But it really was Tomas– a man who placed his hands on your heart before reaching for your waists, hips, or lips. Who touched you without even touching you. He was the man who brought your sun to the knees, undressed your mind, and was prepared to catch you before you even fell.
And yes– you were falling, unknowingly, but you did, before you would admit.
You didn't know how it happened, but when your palms landed on his cheek, pressing his lips against yours felt organic. As if it was the only response to let him know that you felt the same.
He didn't push you away, though you could sense the flinch within his reaction like it was the first time you kissed– it was not, but the butterflies inside only appeared at this moment.
You were nervous. The moment you let go of him, he would display an uncomfortable facade like he did the last time.
But this time, when you broke away to sense a reaction, longing was the right word to describe his softness.
Tomas' eyes burned into you and you gulped. Within a split second, his lips were on yours again. Persistently gentle within each brush, and it let you know that he'd written you into his story.
Amidst the slow waltz of your lips, his tongue hesitantly poked along the lines of your teeth, craving for entrance– a chance to feel you deeper.
The feeling was mutual for you, so you opened up your mouth, nudged his tongue to come explore. You didn't mind the feeling of his callous hand that traveled up the back of your neck.
Noses touching, duels of lips, warm tongues sliding against each other– kisses could only dream of such tender bliss. You were enveloped with his dewy morning scent, warm skin, and your senses still craved more.
Tomas let out a grunt when you pulled his shirt down with you. This was exactly where you wanted him– so tall, so powerful over you, with sand tickling your scalp, and alluring lips never leaving yours.
No– you didn't care that the hem of your dress hitched up and exposed your thighs to the night breeze when Tomas' hand caressed one. What you knew was that the yearn for him only grew the longer you were this close to him.
"Tomas, I want you." You were breathless when Tomas left open mouth kisses along your jaw.
"You can't want something you already have, my love."
"No, Tomas," Even just the thought of him had sparked something between your legs. This moment where he was towering over you, the crackles sent you spreading your legs, and undoing the knot of your panties with one, slow movement, "Make love to me."
In response, Tomas gulped. You saw his eyes darkened at your newly exposed arousal against his clothed pelvic bones, "Oh, I-I might be bad at it."
"That’s impossible." You objected.
"You can't say that without knowing how long I have been dreaming of… ravishing you," His whispering tone was all too alluring, "And having you under me right now, it's taking all my willpower to contain myself… to be delicate with you."
It was you who swill down this time– the anticipation was making you delirious.
Then you remembered– you were back in the position where he was uncomfortable the last time. Where he ended up unpacking his trauma, and the last thing you wanted to do was to drive him away once again.
Though you also knew this night would be different. There was no more reason for him, or you, to hold those feelings back.
"Then would you let me take the lead?"
Deep down, you had your doubt your request would bring back bad memories, but it all washed away when a soft smile emerged within his face as he rolled himself to the side along with you.
And the view below your thighs was beyond enticing.
"As you wish, ma belle ."
Just like that, your lips met Tomas' once more. Normally, you'd make a witty/catty remark on his sudden French, but it all had turned hazy, mostly as the feeling of his fingers lightly brushing your sides. So hazy that when you rose, you found yourself unbuttoning your dress only for him to watch it fall behind your back.
You might be displaying your nakedness under the stars, but every inch of your skin was all for Tomas’ eyes.
You saw his jaw drop. He drew back a breath just to watch you do the same when he grazed the skin below your breast.
"You're so beautiful." He breathed.
At the same time, his thumb trailed up along with all the shivers. Just nudging your nipple ever so slightly, to your collarbone, and up to your lower lip. When he stopped, you proceeded to give it a proper kiss as you did his lips– pouting, tipping, before two fingers ended up behind your soft, wet lips.
His breath hitched again when you retreated and worked down on his buttons, though it didn't take long before he decided to rise up and helped you yank away his shirt.
The view of his chiseled chest didn't stop you from traveling downwards, and as his eyes watched you with anticipation, even before unclasping his trousers, you knew that when he sprung free, you wouldn't be able to resist him.
You played this scene in your fantasy before– your bare self, Tomas musing over you as you stroke his smooth length. However, you couldn't fathom how he'd react or how'd he sound when you're touching him.
It turned out to exceed your expectations– as those gray eyes gradually closed, he moaned.
He moaned when you licked the vein on his tip. He moaned when your lips slowly lowered itself into him, and he moaned once more when it went back up only to sink into it. He moaned when you picked up the pace and swirled your tongue around his girth all over again, and again, and again.
"S-Stop," He pleaded. "Come here."
He greeted your eager lips with his. Hands on your face, trailing down gingerly onto your lower back, naked bodies sliding against each other while hard nipples were at war– sensations on top of sensations. He was painfully hard, and your wetness was fully aware of it as they were palpating in bliss.
On top of him, you wanted nothing more than to bury him inside you– to finally embed his needs in you. So when Tomas urged your hip backward, you knew the feeling was very much mutual– he wanted to be deep in you too.
You slowly sunk yourself on him, soaking his length with your arousal and when it got to the end, he let out a winded gape. The last thing you saw before you lost yourself in pleasure was his drowsy eyes.
"Oh, Tomas…" You sighed and lowered yourself to get lost within his kiss once again.
You weren’t sure who moved whom, but you felt his hand everywhere– the strands of your hair, the nape of your neck, your spine, and down to your thighs. In unison, your bodies swung and whimpers of despair echoed in the air.
You quivered. You felt him and his desperation between your squelching thighs. With the way he squeezed your breasts so eagerly as his lips were fighting for dominance– it was the repressed lust he had for you.
And frankly, you were going to let him let it out.
So when Tomas flipped you over, with your hair all tangled with the sand, you welcomed him. Fingers behind his neck, devouring his lips, and your legs all ready to have him inside one more time.
Tomas thrust himself into you again and it was an otherworldly sensation. When his hips rocked, you circled your legs on his hip. He never closed his eyes, so willing to gaze into your eyes, and you couldn't help but gaze back into it.
The breaths escaping your lips were constantly repeated as he picked up his pace– you knew he was close.
Frankly, you were not going to let him take himself off of you.
With another moan out of you, you tighten both of your legs around him.
"Oh, no… no, no–"
"It's alright. Just let it go." You inhaled.
Despite his denial, when followed by your assurance, he didn't make further effort to pull himself off, so when he cursed out your name along with a guttural sound of his throat, you knew he was finished– you felt the warmth inside, too.
You were breathless when he ducked down to kiss your forehead, down to your nose, and down again to leave a lingering one on your lips before leaving another one.
"I– I can't believe you'd allow me to–"
"I'm on the pill, Tomas." You pulled him down by the nape of his neck to land his lips on yours briefly, "You can relax."
At once, you finally felt his muscles relaxed before rolling to your side, releasing the breath he'd seem to be holding.
When you looked to your side, you saw him. Without a single thread on his physique, mirroring how you were too at the moment. Gray eyes facing up to the sky as if they orbed along with them. His expression was rather warm, yet clouded with doubts– you couldn't pinpoint exactly what was on that mind.
But his presence was ever so magnetic that your fingers crawled to where he was, gently tangling his digits underneath your smaller ones.
He glanced down to where your hands meet– safe to say that he was caught off guard with the way his eyes rapidly tried to find yours as a reaction, but your gaze was fixated on the starry night.
This was the moment– the moment where your feelings consumed everything inside your body. Where both of you were fresh out of the everglow of love-making. Your heart beat rapidly, maybe because of the heated session, but it could be, plainly, for the man next to you.
"Tomas," You called him calmly.
"Yes?"
"Have I told you how I feel about you?"
There was a pause at his end, but you saw a little twinkle within him in one corner of your eye, "I think you've expressed them well."
"Well, I do…. I do love you." You mumbled, "The moment I let myself embrace the feeling, it feels like my chest can barely contain my heart anymore. Like it's trying to escape because… because it doesn't belong to me anymore– it belongs to you."
Surely, your heartfelt confession gained his attention. He sat up immediately, facing you as if he couldn’t believe what he heard.
“But you know, strangely, it felt… alright.” You sat up, mirroring him, “With this feeling, I know what I have for you is as tender, and as genuine as it could be. Like I don’t even care about who you are, the ghosts of your past, the secrets you hid, or the challenges that may come along the road… I just– simply yearn for you, and I hope you’d let me be yours. And I swear, I swear to all the gods, I would accept every part of you… in exchange of your heart.”
Tomas couldn’t take his eyes off you, but you couldn’t be sure about what he was thinking the whole time you poured your heart out to him.
But what you clearly saw was this– within each word you said, he beamed brighter every time.
So by the time you get to your last word, his hand was on the back of your neck and there you were– his lips pressed against yours once again. It was gentle, passionate, and you swore just the sound of his giggles in between the liplock could take you to Jupiter.
When he pulled away, he nurtured the distance between you, gently meeting his forehead with yours.
“You have no idea just how happy that makes me.”
As Tomas kissed you again, you thought– maybe, just maybe, with everything laid on the table, everything would finally work out. But what you did know and certain about was that both of your souls were entwined at this very moment.
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A/N: good lord, can you believe writing this took me 3 months? I know I wasn’t as productive as I was back in the days, but i really poured my heart and soul into this… love letter for our beloved Tomas. I tried delving as deep as I can into his character, and i hope that shows. I would appreciate every constructive feedback, but I hope you enjoyed this nonetheless 🩶
S/o to my forever hype women @cryinginthebackseat @danlusional let's have another cup of coffee and... do what we do best all over again agsjdkldlf
