how to deal with conservative parents as an lgbt+ kid
i dont see this kinda stuff at all on this site so i thought id share what ive learned
some of yall know that conservative parents (not all of them, but a lot, probably most) of lgbt+ kids have the potential to become very horrible and abusive when they find out. these next few things are mostly for After theyve already found out. i dont have any tips for not being outed to ur parents because i fuckin failed at that so
- if you’re a kid, 13-15, youre gonna want to argue with them. don’t. that’s a horrible idea
- seriously just go along with whatever they say
- if youve been outed to them, make up a story about how youre trying to change from your disgusting ways and youre becoming a better person now and blah blah blah
- if you were outed as trans, wait a month or so (that way it seems less fake, theyll think you grew out of your phase), then start presenting as your assigned gender. make it Extreme. for example: if you were assigned female, be as. stereotypical. as. possible. call yourself a girl a lot. do stereotypical girly things. get personalized things with your deadname on them. it will hurt you, but they could hurt you more. the internet is your best friend, tell everyone on there to call you by your chosen name and pronouns as often as possible. if youre transmasculine, i cant stress this enough, /do not bind if you are somewhere your parents will see you. they will notice your lack of chest. wear loose clothing or multiple layers. but do not bind/. if you need to feel less dysphoric, wear deodorant thats scented in whatever way makes u feel comfortable. it’s cool and pretty subtle (unless you drowned yourself in old lady perfume or axe body spray) but itll make you feel good without giving away your Secret
- if you were outed as gay, and theyre religious, go to church. theres always another gay teen thats being forced to go there. talk to everyone, make friends with everyone. try to find someone else who’s gay (or trans, or nonbinary, or ace/aro, or honestly just someone who’s accepting but it is preferred that they r not cishet that way u both get somethin out of it u kno? help a fellow lgbt+ teen out). if you can pass for a hetero couple™, pretend to date. go ALL OUT. keep this up as long as you find necessary, then, if you want, you can stage a breakup. this isnt necessary but crying to your mom about how he left you for that b*tch in chemistry can bring you two closer and make your act more convincing
- i dont have advice for being outed as bi bc im not bi but please feel free to add any advice. u can try the last tip, since lots of conservatives dont believe bisexuality is A Thing and will assume if ur with the “opposite gender” ur not bi anymore
- you’re not a bad person if you pretend to agree with all the homophobic/transphobic shit they say. you’re not in the wrong here. they are. youre just trying to stay safe, ok? dont feel guilty
pls add on, this might not work for Every parent & it rly does depend on ur age (for example theyre less likely to write it off as a phase & eventually get over it if youre 17 than they are if youre 12)
I just have one thing to add: don’t come out! Honestly this should be obvious but maybe you’re a dumbass like me like I was so I’m telling you that if you have homophobic conservative parents, don’t do it. You don’t owe to tell your parents anything, you don’t need to come out ever, coming out is not the most important thing for you to do as an lgbt+ person, literally it is none of your parents’ business. You have everything to lose and it is not worth the risk.
- the pretending to date idea is really good!! i did this with my best friend and while it was uncomfortable having to pass as straight, it gave me a lot of opportunities to hang out with someone who understood what i was going through. i actually didn’t want to pretend break-up because it was so nice being around someone who could understand and relate. we also had other friends who did this and by the time they pretend broke-up, people were convinced they’d “turned each other straight” because they stayed close bffs afterwards! carefully avoid suspicion and also make new best friends!
- i was outed as bi (i’m a lesbian) and i had other friends who were outed as bi. my parents assaulted me and sent me to live with my far-less-conservative mother and while it may have taken her time to realize its not just a phase, i never had to fear for my life. all of my bi friends had uncomfortable talks with their parents but since their parents didnt believe bisexuality is real, they stayed safe by always being in het-passing relationships. and since ppl who don’t believe bisexuality is real think you’re either secretly gay or straight and trying to be cool, these friends didn’t stay single because the more time they spent single the more their parents started to believe they were secretly gay. they sought out straight boys and they sold that shit until their parents switched to “straight but trying to be cool”
- this is gonna sound weird but if you have a big enough circle of closeted kids, summer church camps are actually really fun. there were about 7-8 of us and church camp was the best part of our summers because our parents weren’t there and there were only a limited amount of adults to supervise us, and none of them were really trying that hard to anyway because we were teenagers in a closed environment we’d have to try pretty hard to get lost. it’s not fun being the only gay kid and i imagine it’s also not fun when you have vigilant chaperones so try to find out who else is going and who your chaperones are before you make a decision.
- i never got to go to other summer camps but i’ve heard they’re far more enjoyable than church camp if you can also bring your circle of closeted friends to those, because you also get to be away from your parents and in this case it’s without any risk of “gays are going to hell” sermons. summer camp was the only time for any of us that we could actually be ourselves without much filter or restriction and it’s a good break for your mental health
- if you’re talking to your trans friend and referring to them by their chosen name and someone they don’t want to be out to asks who you’re talking to, pick a random object. i’m serious. teens are already considered ~random~ and goofy so if you tell someone you assigned a completely serious name to a keychain or a bag or a plastic fork they’ll believe you. and it works if you have to use the same name for multiple objects because you can just tell people you just like that name. and if all your friends start doing it, people will assume it’s some weird inside joke. my friends and i did this for each other and kids sure looked at us weird, but none of us got outed as trans.
- if you’re outed as ace make up a story about how its because you’re scared about what you learned in sex ed or you’re saving it for marriage or you’re scared because you heard someone at your school is pregnant. those worked for my friend but not really for me, but in my case i was expecting my parents to be okay with me being ace so i wasn’t really trying that hard to sell it.
- if your parents monitor your internet history, try to avoid lgbtqia+ content on your computer unless it’s a personal computer you’re positive they don’t have access to (and even then, make sure they aren’t home, because if they walk in and see anything remotely gay on the monitor it’s pretty hard to explain it away). even if you always clear your browsing history, 1) you’ll look suspicious and 2) there are applications they can install that’ll track your browsing history separately. try to use a smartphone if you can. when you clear your history on that you can say it’s to make your phone run smoother or to keep from cluttering your storage. and if they happen to walk in the room while you’re looking at something, you’ll probably have a chance to switch to a completely not-gay-at-all app and pretend you’ve been doing that the whole time.
- never forget this isn’t forever. it’s hard and it’s long and when i was still a teen i thought my life was always going to be having to hide who i am and i wanted to give up on myself. don’t. there are so many of us who went through everything you’re going through now, and we survived and get to live as ourselves now. you’ll survive too. it might not feel like it, but you will. don’t be afraid to ask for help, especially on a site like this where there are so many lgbtqia+ users and there’s certain to be someone who can give you advice about your exact situation.
all good advice!!
i can also say firsthand that church camp is fun if your counselors are cool. in 2016 my counselor liked girls (she didnt give me any more detail than that) & so did like, 4 of my cabin-mates. it was awesome, we’re still friends to this day. but u gotta either 1) have a group of friends that are going already or 2) casually bring up The Gays to make sure everyones safe to come out to
id say like, at my camp personally, probably 1/8 of the kids are lgbt+, unless my randomly assigned gay cabin-mates were always the only gay people in camp. there are probably .. less Gay at other camps but im just sayin, there are tons of kids in your like exact situation
Reblogging because this shit is important. Wish I had seen this 4 years ago, would have saved me from being in borderline conversion therapy every other week since. Reblogging so some 14 year old lgbt+ kid just figuring themselves out doesn’t make the same mistake I did.
You don’t have to come out. You owe nothing to your parents. Be strong. Remember this isn’t forever.
