CARPE NATEM

ali 18 nz pugs cats food internet studying a bachelor of computer graphic design ok cool thank u for ur visit xo previously shouldnt-you-be-in-the-kitchen

[sneakypug]

Every John green book: my name is Kirk assgun and I m not cool or popular and I'm bullied everyday because I fuck comic books and I watch this really cool show called the Big Bang theory. But it's okay because I at least have 2 other bros and 1 convenient negro friend. You see that girl over there? That's kaydence Tigerlilly Dookieson. SHe is the love of my life. She is misunderstood and like really cool indie bands like Coldplay and she's been smoking since she was 7. She's not like other girls. If only she would realize that the missing key to her life was me, a greasy white boy

[unpill]

Advice for anyone who wants to fight the sun

wear sunscreen. it won’t expect that trust me

[sneakypug]

Me: *learns useless fact*

Me: *tells every single one of my friends this fact at least 6 times*

[hoemami-deactivated20171229]

[share]

trying to finish your essay at 3am like

[pentabulge]

[sneakypug]

why ed sheeran is a lyrical genius

ed: it's alright to die cause death is the only thing you haven't tried but just for tonight hold on

ed: when my hair's all but gone and my memory fades and the crowds don't remember my name when my hands don't play the same strings the same way i know you will still love me the same

ed: i don't get waves of missing you anymore they're more like tsunami tides in my eyes

ed: you can fit me inside the necklace you got when you were sixteen next to your heartbeat where i should be keep it deep within your soul

ed: THEY SAY IM UP AND COMIN LIKE IM FUCKIN IN AN ELEVATOR

[sneakypug]

Guy on train: I'd fuck you if you didn't have so many tattoos.

Me: *turns up music*

Guy: I said I'd fuck you if you didn't have so many tattoos!

Me: *takes off headphones* Leave. Me. Alone.

Guy: Why the fuck do you have so many tattoos?

Me:

Guy: Are you fucking deaf as well as a piece of trash?

Lady by door: Hey. Leave her alone.

Guy: Are you her trash girlfriend? Fucking dykes, all tattooed like fucking men. Disgusting waste of pussy.

Lady: *moves forward, carefully moves jacket so only I can see the badge on her belt* Are you okay?

Me: Fine. Just wish he'd go away.

Lady cop: I can make that happen.

Guy: Oh, yeah, bitch? Who the fuck are you? I'll kill you!

Lady cop: And that's what I was waiting for. *grabs guy, holds him against the door* Harassing women on the train was enough, but you just threatened a cop. You're battin' a thousand tonight.

Entire train: *applauds*

[chingizhobbes]

my friends found this sleeping cat in istanbul and dressed her up.

[huffylemon]

Everyone hates on Kim Kardashian but you know we all would jump on the opportunity to make millions of dollars by just acting dumb on TV

[jcw0rld95]

[fidefortitude-deactivated202011]

That is it. I have lost all hope. The fucking aesthetic posts have fucking ruined me. I can’t trust anyone anymore. Love means nothing to me. I can’t look my children in the eye. You fucking Spongebob-loving fucks have gone too fucking far now. I’m going to fucking drown a giraffe in a wine glass full of fucking dish soap

[tramampoline]

Favourite jokes

Referring to any four-legged animal as a weird dog

Massively underestimating the number of nearly uncountable objects

Massively overestimating the number of clearly countable objects

Bad puns in TV episode titles

[triwizarded]

*dumbledore voice* yes, i love all my students equally! harry potter, hermione granger, and *looks at smudged writing on hand* roonil wazlib

[lil-dingle-deactivated20161003]

[ufilth]

[pleatedjeans]

via

[secreteggplantbaby]

source

[rainnecassidy]

oh my god

[fine-wine-witch]

I MUST DO THIS