Attention true patriots of freedom, more Intel has been released by the Ministy of Truth. Be on the lookout for these bugs and be ready to engage in state-sanctioned Rage.
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Kaledo Art

shark vs the universe
wallacepolsom

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noise dept.

#extradirty

祝日 / Permanent Vacation
trying on a metaphor
AnasAbdin

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One Nice Bug Per Day

titsay
TVSTRANGERTHINGS
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Stranger Things
taylor price
Game of Thrones Daily
Three Goblin Art
Claire Keane

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@snickelsox
Attention true patriots of freedom, more Intel has been released by the Ministy of Truth. Be on the lookout for these bugs and be ready to engage in state-sanctioned Rage.
Cleric: Why so many burritos?
Barbarian: Magic.
C: What kind of m- OH PELOR! What is that smell!?
B: Mage Armor.
C: No, it's not! You farted!
B: Yeah, and you don't want to get close enough to hit me. Magic.
C: That's so bad!
B: With extra garlic, I can cast Sleep.
Crab: Daddy?
Wizard: Please stop calling me that. Can't you see we're busy?
C: Doing what?
W: Trying to breach this Lich's castle. The outside is immune to my magic.
C: Can I help?
W: Can you crawl inside and explode?
C: Sure. Anything to make you proud!
W: Alright, there. All you have to do is crawl through that crack, and when you get inside, clack your claws three times. The fireball rune will go off and explode the wall from the inside.
C: Yay, I'm helping!
Bard: Dude, are you serious.
W: What, it's just a crab.
Rogue: Still... this seems heartless.
W: It's just. A crab.
C: Found the crack, daddy!
W: Good job, sport! Now go through.
C: Thanks for letting me help, daddy. I know by the way you talk l that I'm not the son you wanted, but I hope I can be a son you can be proud of.
W: Uhh...
C: Can we go to the park after this?
W: Uh, why don't you just hold up for a sec?
C: Nope! I'm not giving up this chance to help my very favorite Daddy! *slips into crack*
B: You're a monster.
W: Yeah... yeah I see that now.
R: Can't you deactivate the rune?
W: Oh ye-*BOOM*
*dusting off the rubble*
B: Wow... bummer ending.
R: Yup, you're officially the worst.
W: *sigh* Judge me later. Bard, help me pick up the pieces. Rogue, go get the Cleric. I've got a crab to resurrect.
Demon King: You have traveled far, just to die pointlessly at my feet.
Cleric: Our quest was actually just to deliver a message, not to fight.
DK: ...hmmm, what is the message?
C: *unrolls scroll* *ahem* We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty...
Goblin: Stop right there, bad guy!
Villain: Sentai Squad!? But I killed you!
Red Goblin: You killed them, but we were so inspired by their heroics, we took up their costumes and causes!
Blue Kobold: Taste justice!
Black Swarm of Wasps: BZZZZ!
Purple Zombie: Bad braains!
Villain: Where is your leader?
Gold Ghost: Right here, evildoer!
V: Ok, but I for sure killed you.
GG: You did, but I refused to die and have possessed my old costume as a ghost!
V: This is just silly.
RG: You won't be laughing when we kick your butt!
BSW: BZZZZZ!
Lich: Mortal scum, have you any idea the things I’ve done to gain this power!?
Bard: No, wanna talk about it?
*hours later*
Lich: I just let my ambition blind me. You know, I really just wanted to be a veterinarian. But my dad insisted on wizard college.
Bard: Damn man.
Bard: So where does that leave you now?
Lich: I don’t know. I don’t want... this, but it is sort of all I can do now.
Bard: You know that’s not true. You defeated death itself; what if you applied that knowledge to pets?
Lich: Nobody wants a lich vet.
Bard: Nobody’s had one.
*months later*
Dr. Lich: Fido here ate a cursed amulet, which didn’t set well with his belly or soul belly. *at dog* Did it Fido!? Who’s a little curse eater!?
Owner: Thank you so much! What do I owe you?
Lich: Nothing. Just have a talk with your kids about cursed artifacts.
Dr. Lich turns off the lights to his small practice. He doesn’t need to sleep but it calms the animals in his care. He bids all of them a good night with a scratch of his bony fingers. His morbid face cracks a smile as a dog licks him. He treasures the love more than any gold.
Floating into his office chair, he stares at the frames on his wall. Photos, clippings, the smiling Bard. His veterinarian degree always stands out; a relic he earned.
The doorbell rings and a tepid “hello?” lingers in the air. Dr. Lich smiles.
“Well, no rest for the wicked.”
Them: Can you help me with this thing?
Me: Sure
*later*
Me: Hey, I did that thing.
Them: Awesome! You must have done stuff like this a bunch.
Me: No.
Them: Then how-
Me: I agreed to help, and the anxiety of looking incompetent forced me to become proficient.
Them: How did you learn-
Me: I spent the first 10 minutes panicking and then went to Wikipedia and read everything I could ok the subject then I tried to recreate it on my own, failed, then reread wikipedia and just winged it the rest of the way.
Them: Wow. That's amazing. You know, if you were a little more proactive and applied that same kind of dedication towards everything else in your life, you'd be unstoppable.
Me: HAHAHAHAHAHA. no
Child: Can you bring back my pet ferret?
Necromancer: Well... I uh, really only work with humans.
Child: So you can bring back my dad!?
N: Oh man...
#DnD
And then they kissed.
And then they stopped.
And then regret set in.
And then shame set in.
And then they pulled away.
And then they grew angry.
And then they screamed.
And then they remembered the love and the hate and the passion that brought them to kiss.
And then they drew their swords.
Tears covering their blood red faces and anger in their glare and white knuckles on cold swords and beating hearts of regret for their transgressions and regret for their lost futures and quivering feet holding shaking knees that wanted nothing more than to fall.
And then they bled.
Why would you think the monster was content to hide under your bed? Why wouldn't it follow you, in your car, under your fridge, just out of view beneath your desk? Did you hear that? Did you see that? Did you feel that? It was probably nothing, but maybe you should check?
The box was small but magical. Each time something broken went in, it came out mostly repaired. Only minor deviations existed, based on the damage and how many times it had previously went in the box. But it was small, and so were the problems.
A hammer eventually bending into a spiral was worth the money saved. A shoe growing metal soles was fine in moderation. The toaster being full of eyes was disturbing but easily replaced. The jacket began to sing, to cry, to beg to be saved from the fire it was thrown in.
The old mind wondered, intrigued at the brokenness of its vessel. A long life, full of joy and mistakes, had left many things broken, badly repaired, and degrading. What would the box do to those things? It must fix them, or even make them better, so long as it wasn't abused.
The bird was unlucky. It slammed against the window, dying before it hit the ground. It fit nicely in the box, plenty of room. Hours later, it chirped to life. It stumbled at first, flying clumsily, but it flew all the same. It opened its beak, filling the air with quiet static.
A small change, almost imperceptible, really. It could still live, one could even hear the chirps beneath the new voice. But this was just a small bird, the box could barely fit the full broken human body. At least, as it currently was. What was a little more damage?
They raised their hand, pulled on a finger, and snapped it sideways. The pain was searing, but they were just a bit smaller now. Just a few more breaks, just a little more pain, and they could fit in the box. Besides, it would fix everything anyway.
The box was small but magical.
The Hat Man being reported as non-dangerous is survivorship bias.
Lich: Foolish mortals! You will-
Artificer: Falethorn, I choose you! *throws ball*
Dragon: Ah, no! Not this again!
L: Fale, my friend! What happened?
D: Help! They keep me trapped in a magic ball!
A: Falethorn! Use flamethrower!
D: N-no!
L: Falethorn?
D: Run, please.
The Rain
Unable to face the death of his son, incapable of living through the funeral, he buried him in the cellar. Damp walls and an unfinished floor made quick work of it. He didn't say goodbye, he simply closed off the room and called it a day.
Then the rains came.
For days it drizzled and the man did not worry. His wife, his daughter, his youngest and only remaining son, all of them enjoyed the rain, content in knowing their brother was at the boarding school. None of them could feel him, rotting beneath them. None of them smelled him.
Days dragged into weeks. The smell grew, clouding the father's mind. He could hear him, feel him. Outside, the ground began to give up, allowing water to stack higher and higher on its surface. In the brief moments when the rain ceased, it took into itself as much as it could.
Beneath the house, there was no such respite. The father could hear water, moving around beneath their feet. Sloshing, and splashing, and moaning, and cries for help from a voice that could no longer be.
"It was an accident!" he would scream into the floor.
It wouldn't respond.
They could all smell it now, the rot all around them. His inability to face the truth, his snap decision and refusal of his mistake hung in the air. It stuck to them like sap, the rotting regret following them wherever they went. The children were teased, their mother distraught.
And the rains continued.
The water began to reach through the floorboards. Green and sick and full of screaming. The man dreamt of his child, crawling through their house, half decomposed, splashing softly in the water, into his room, watching them sleep.
He dreamt, he thought.
They knew, they all knew. How could they not? He hurried them along. They had to leave, to get away from his terrible mistake. He could hear him all the time now, laughing and wailing in the flooded cellar. Everyone else had to know. They piled in the car and drove to drier land.
The rain slowed and pretended as though it may stop. A sense of normality began to fill their little hotel room. The children complained of missing trinkets, the mother of fresh clothing for them all. They asked him to go back and get it all. They gave him a list and a hug.
He heard the voice before he even left his car. His boots squelched in the soft mud of the yard. He could smell the rot and death and could hear the crying child in the claps of thunder.
Just some clothing. Just the list. Just leave. Turn around. Run away.
No.
Not again.
In the hall, he shuffled through the water to the cellar door. Just a hole in the ground covered by a small square door and a rug atop that. He could hear him clearly now, an angelic voice, his sweet child, crying and laughing and calling out love and fury.
He moved the rug.
Opening the door, he expected to see his child. He expected the full face of his memories, he expected the rotten corpse of his nightmares. There was nothing. Just black water, impossibly still an stagnant. It looked like a night without stars, a dream without end.
The next day, the rains stopped. A day later and the family went back to check. The house had collapsed, the foundations having crumpled. Much of it had run down, following the lazy river that had become their neighborhood.
The father's body was never found.
Child: Is it true that garlic will kill you?
Vampire: Not quite. It is much like you dying from peppers. Possible but unlikely.
C: I love peppers!
V: We often love what is dangerous to us.
Rogue: Hey, hon. How’s the lesson going?
V: Ah, speaking of the literal devil…