i have been writing parts of an avatrice college au for two gd years now. the ideas & writing are scattered between here (one of the tags below should work), my whatsapp convos with @snowandwolves, on discord, my dinosaur laptop that crashes, & my email. it’s a fucking disaster but whatever so am i & not once in my life have i had my shit together so this is all unsurprising.
SO what i’m saying is, here’s the only part i have ‘formally’ written in fic form bc i posted that other ficlet. doing this made me almost throw my dino laptop & my phone out a window on several occasions—that’s why there isn’t more. but i just wanna share this.
more notes & rambles at the end.
//
You notice her because it’s syllabus week of your freshman year, it’s an 8 AM class, and you’re fairly confident you’re still drunk from the party you attended last night, but she raises her hand and correctly answers a question posed by your theology professor without hesitation. Your professor, Father Vincent, was likely hoping for a good guess at best, but there she is, exceeding expectations from the moment she speaks. You pickup on an accent, which you would find incredibly attractive if you weren’t so thrown by her perfect and concise response, like a well-prepared speech is always readily accessible in the back of her mind—a girl with all the answers. A young woman, really.
You, however, are not—you’re just a girl. You’re just a girl who shows up to her morning classes smelling like the bar or the house party from the night before, like the weed you started smoking almost immediately upon arriving to university during orientation week, like the cigarettes you smoke because it affords you a little more quiet outside and an excuse to borrow a lighter and talk to a cute boy or a pretty girl.
You’re just a girl who technically died, existed in nothingness for a whole minute before being ripped back into a reality of blank ceilings and the sound of your heartbeat in your ears. You’re just a girl strangers prayed for after they heard about the American child pulled from the wreckage. You’re just a girl who didn’t get any credit for teaching herself to stand again, to walk again—and if you’re being completely honest, you’re a girl who’s incredibly bitter that a god you never saw in that one minute got all the credit and none of the blame—for taking your mother from you, for taking years from you that had to be spent healing from god’s grace or lack thereof.
i found this in my drafts, & i don’t remember when i started to write this, but ta-da! finally wrote something. this is not a cohesive whole (nor is grief so we can pretend it’s intentional).
also this phone business is awful—almost threw it when tripling the length of this (what was supposed to be) drabble 😒 forgive wonky formatting &/or typos. (laptopless life sucks)
this drabble-ficlet thing is for @snowandwolves bc our friendship is based in wrecking each other emotionally with avatrice au’s & headcanons. also some of this was inspired by sixth to the ninth hour, from which i will never recover. but this isn’t complete despair!
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summary: beatrice returns to switzerland and tries to live her life. (canon compliant, s3, grief)
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a thing that carries itself
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It is when you are asking about something that you realize you yourself have survived it, and so you must carry it, or fashion it into a thing that carries itself.
(nox, anne carson)
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beatrice knows hans could close the bar down on his own while blindfolded on a night like tonight—not much money to be made mid-week with dwindling tourists and seasonal stays—but beatrice doesn’t suggest it, and hans doesn’t offer. he’s come to recognize when beatrice needs some company, even if it’s just a couple hours and they exchange few words.
—
beatrice returned to switzerland a few days after camila found her asleep at the arc for the fourth time.
(jillian is moving it back to her lab to rebuild, camila offered with a gentle smile—one that expressed she too was hopeful, but not so much she wished to give beatrice too high of expectations.
beatrice knew, even with every scientific expert working on the arc, it would take over a year to repair the arc and source enough power within their earthly limitations for it to open even briefly. beatrice also knew it would likely require a decade of research before someone could go through the arc, let alone explore the alien realm beyond it.
as of a month ago, the arc team is still a few brilliant nuns led by a genius scientist, but when beatrice looks at them, she only sees young women—too young to be willing to die in a holy war—and a mother mourning the loss of her son for a second time.)
before she left, beatrice said goodbye through the arc—if only for the smallest chance a loving god would take pity on her and split open the barrier between realms just briefly enough for her words to reach through to ava:
see you at home. (i love you.)
—
when beatrice first arrived back to town, she became overwhelmed as she took in the remarkably unchanged neighborhoods, all the same buildings standing as they had when she and ava left in the night.
(the ache in her chest turned bitter, so much so she had to refrain from shaking the couples laughing and enjoying each other’s company in the sunshine—ava is gone. do you understand? don’t you feel it too? the absence of her?)
Hey, I just thought you should know that I think about your lighthouse keeper au at least once a week and I am now starting another read through because it is FANTASTIC.
and i just want to let you know that i feel like i grew a second heart after reading this 🥹 thank you so, so much! 💙
hi hello! tis the lengthy ask anon back after a length of time. it is now ... wow almost the end of march. why is time like this?!? how has this first quarter of the year been for you? got some crispy lettuce? and rest??
it's been a rollercoaster for me and tbh there were some days when i couldn't read the lighthouse au because it just cut too deep, does that make sense? but things are a bit better now, so i'm back with questions! as always, feel free to skip whatever of these don't bring joy <3
do you think suzanne would ever entertain tours of the lighthouse? does she already?
during that dinner they all had together and mary and ava went out, do you have an idea of how that talk between bea and lil (with cam mediating? eating popcorn?) would've gone? (also i still love that transition: "Everything's fine. — everything is, in fact, not fine.")
how often does ava bring up the "topping" mistake? and how often do does she make them have ice cream so can talk about topping(s) in general?
had bea called suzanne mom before ava said it?
during their time apart, do you have an idea of a moment or two when bea missed ava?
what was the most played song on that playlist you mentioned?
how'd you come up with the title btw? also did you find it easy to come up with a title?
hope spring brings some good things for you!
end of… march… lengthy ask anon, i am so genuinely sorry it’s taken me this long to respond to this 😭 i was dying from summer, got awfully sick twice, and weathered a few life events akdbskd so i guess that answers how the past quarter(s) have been for me 💀 in between, i did get crispy lettuce, some truly jaw-dropping sunsets (i saw iridescent clouds for the first time in my life and deadass sobbed in the middle of the street), and somehow made it through things. i’m still alive and grateful i’m alive 😂
but ok, questions!
1. i’m not sure about that one actually, with her hip and all. but i’m thinking it’d be ava’s great idea that she’ll regret pitching bec who else is supposed to help suzanne and bea set up tours and stuff? 😂 then she’ll, ofc, sign up to be a tour guide, in which case bea will catch her showing off the leather strips in the everything-shed and promptly marching over to cut off whatever unholy thing ava was gonna say about them 💀
2. that talk would’ve been heated, to say the least. i was thinking lilith is the type of person who holds on tight to the people she lets in and bea could misinterpret that as something controlling bec of her childhood. they’d say almost-hurtful things until lilith spits it out for her: “i’m not stopping you from trying to live your life. i’m just asking you to stay, too. i’m worried, and—afraid.” to which bea would pause, look at her friend as her friend and not as a reminder of people she’s not, and say: “i’m not going to forget you, lilith. i’m not going to love you any less than i do now. and if you think that i’m leaving and never coming back here, then think again. this is my home. you’re part of the home that i chose.”
3. SO THIS IS GOLD 😂 what if it’s winter a year later and ava wants ice cream because “i feel like i haven’t reminded you about topping in a while” and bea’s like “must you remind me? after last night?” and ava’s like “if it gets you to blush or gets me a repeat performance, yeah. win-win.”
4. slip of the tongue. unacknowledged but known, you are my mom, and you are my daughter. something allowed and welcomed and only told by the face suzanne makes every time bea says it 🥺
5. bea tries to read a book during her appointed time for a break. her thoughts catch up to her, the way they couldn’t when she was busy thinking about generators and weather reports. and she sits there, open book on her lap, gaze worlds away, trying to sink into the quiet and wondering why it isn’t as peaceful as she remembers it being, before ava came and made a habit out of asking her to read out loud. she cries, just a little. of course, she does.
6. oh gOD. there were so many honestly. i’ll do a top five because it would be a crime to pick 😂 Far From Here by Emmit Fenn (bec i love the intro and the vibes), Silence by Before You Exit (for all of the soft avatrice scenes), Calme by Ever So Blue (for all the quieter, more tender scenes), What a Wonderful World by Reuben and the Dark and AG (this version specifically for the whole storm scene), and Rein You In by TENDER (for the horny) 💀
7. NO, I DID NOT FIND IT EASY TO COME UP WITH A TITLE OR ANY OF THE SOUL-EXTRACTING AO3 ASKED OF ME BEFORE I CAN EVEN POST THE FIRST CHAPTER 😭 i think i was trying to figure out how to relate it to the lighthouse and ava’s journey. it’s honestly longer than my usual titles but at that point, i’d agonized over everything else AO3 wanted that i was just like “fuck it i can’t think about this anymore” 😂
lengthy ask anon, i’m gonna try to respond to your other asks slowly 💀 i’m still sorry it’s taken me so long and please know that i waited to answer these because i wanted to be fully present for it. these still bring me joy, and i appreciate you for it. i hope you’ve been doing alright, that this quarter isn’t as difficult as the others 🥹💙
(tbh i’ve only read the jenlisa ones so far) not to sound crazy but ive reread them all at least 3 times
hopefully this doesn’t come across badly or to pressure you or anything but i was wondering if you still had any plans to continue or finish lovesongs?
love u lots hope youre doing well! xo
🥺 thank you so much for loving the jenlisa fics, those were the ones that fully got me back into writing and they (plus anyone who’s read them) will always have a special place in my heart.
that said, i’m so sorry if this disappoints you: as of right now, i have no plans to continue lovesong. i’ll try to explain why. that fic took a lot out of me to write. i was unprepared to handle baring some truly raw things about myself and, at the same time, keep the course of the plot. at some point, i’m gonna admit that i lost sight of where it’s going because i think i dug too deep in myself. it made me realize some things that i need to address. that’s taken priority now, and i’m genuinely not sure if i’ll one day dare to come back to the headspace that lovesong asked of me.
please believe me when i say that i deeply understand the disappointment this might cause. but i’m ever so grateful that you read it, and loved it, in its graceless, unfinished form 🥺
hihi tis the questioner of length, i'm waiting for the bus and i literally paused and muttered to myself, "does Bea even have a car? does Mary just chauffeur everyone around...?" and now here i am, asking you lol
anyway i can't believe feb is almost over?? time is ridiculous. i hope, tho, that things aren't too ridiculous for you!
it’s… it’s march now. BUT I’M TRYING NOT TO THINK ABOUT THAT SO 😂 no, bea doesn’t have a car! all of her money went into setting up her bookstore cafe and giving herself a mythical couch and heated flooring. so mary’s their default driver unless she borrows her truck, to which mary would say: “no funny business or you’re buying me a new one.”
Happy v-day! I wonder if Ava and Beatrice did anything to celebrate the day in the lighthouse au?
jesus, it is now… march 💀 I AM SO SORRY BUT I HOPE YOU HAD A GOOD VALENTINE’S DAY, ANON 😭 ava doesn’t really believe in it, but then she hears from camila that bea usually stressed herself out by planning for everything when she and lucia dated. so ava very specifically tells her that she doesn’t wanna do anything for valentine’s. bea’s sheepishly relieved, but oh, she has no idea that ava planned a whole day. she shows up at bea’s bookstore cafe with flowers and whisks her away for a hike and a picnic and then tells her, “you deserve every bit of love and effort you give.” does that work? 🥹
hihihihihhi it's lengthy ask anon i am running off of too little sleep (nightmares still ugh) but also good news which is a danger combination lol
so part of how i've been dealing with my sleeplessness is rereading some of the lighthouse au until i finally feel fine enough to go back to sleep. so! questions. that you don't have to answer. really!
why did Bea never know she talks in her sleep? also, does Ava ever try to have a full on conversation with her?
Cam and Ava talk about the benefits of hugging a tree and with all the pine reference i have to know: has Ava ever hugged a pine tree??
when Mary almost asks Ava about moving in with Bea, do you think Bea had talked about it with her friends beforehand? like a am-i-being-too-lesbian worry?
what's something Bea and Ava eventually fight about? (and do they follow that "order" for making up)
do you think Chanel ever designs something for Jillian? how about Ava?
from last time - how you handled the main plot and subplots was amazing - did you have one of those (*virtual?) murder board-esque things to help visualize things? (*i'd never thought of using notion for fiction work!!)
i think i've reached my caffeine limit for the day i hope you are getting better sleep than i am! here's to having the crispiest vegetable of your preference! (i.e. not celery lol)
I’M ALIVE AND STILL EMPLOYED IDK HOW BUT OK 💀 hi hello, lengthy ask anon. how’s the nightmares? i hope they’ve left you alone? am i gonna have to have a Serious Talk with whichever god’s in charge of that? 😤 pls lemme know. but! i sincerely hope you’ve been sleeping since you sent this 🥺
and now (finally, idk how long it’s been), answers!
1. this… is a good question LMAO maybe no one brought it up to her cos she might get embarrassed? OR bea wakes up too early for anyone to catch her in the act 😂 and yes, i’d think ava would definitely try to have a full conversation with her like “bea, bea, what’s the weather like” and bea just randomly spouts temperature numbers and sea condition. or like “bea what’s your favorite sex position?”, which ends up with bea having a rather scandalous dream, much to ava’s amusement 😂
2. i’d say yes!!! except she hugs the smaller ones and ends up with pine needles everywhere. bea’s exasperated but ava just shrugs and says, “worth it.” on that note, hug a tree people. it’s fucking soul-healing.
3. oh, definitely. camila gives her twinkle eyes, mary’s like “what the fuck does that even mean, too lesbian”, and lilith doesn’t even dignify it all with a response 😂 which is to say… her friends weren’t any help at all.
4. i think it’d be something simple cos they’re good at talking to each other about their feelings. so stuff like ava leaving her shoes a mess by the front door, which means beatrice keeps tripping on them, or bea’s tendency to overpack, which almost makes them late for their trips. they’d snipe at each other because they’re human (bea: “what’s so difficult about putting your shoes away, ava?” and ava: “what the hell would you need a sewing kit for, bea?”) and probably get too irritated until one of them realizes it’s a ridiculous thing to fight about. probably won’t always make up through sex because bea got a concussion the last time she tripped on ava’s shoes and there was no time for even a quickie when they almost missed their flight, but someone will make a joke and they’ll laugh about it at least. (this… got unintentionally soft 😂)
5. omg, yes!!! what if they attend a gala and ava’s whole fam is wearing chanel’s clothes? literally A+++ publicity and just about launches chanel in the spotlight 😌 jillian in a suit and ava in a dangerous dress, what more can you ask for 🔥
6. lengthy ask anon, i had notion and phone notes and paper charts and i even tried using this free mind mapping thing just to keep track of everything 😂 i went full-on type A on this thing. i even had a mood board. and a playlist. and 2847293 drafts. i have so much content idk what to do with these now 💀
lettuce! i’ve been having so much lettuce! but omg pls, i really hope you’re sleeping well now 🥺 as always, thank you so, so much for this! literally the best thing to do after somehow crawling out of hell LMAO
hi! i adore both your WN stories. would you consider writing more to either of the two - perhaps some one-shots to add to au?? 👀
🥹 i do actually have a snippet for sixth to the ninth set immediately after the war, like literal seconds after it 😂 it’s been sitting in my drafts for months. i might write it as a one-shot for the same universe, but no promises! but hey! thank you for reading both of them! 💙
Image I.D. — “I don’t want to feel better; I want to know better. / I should have known God is not in the meal / but in the sharing of the meal. I should have told you / that holiness resides in needing each other, / in acts of survival made generous.” — End I.D.
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