One Day at a Time

The sober journey of a 40 year old mom in Los Angeles

[soberelixer]

Day 25 (-1)

I am so happy to say that I'm still sober and haven't had any cravings. The same day as my last post, which was Sunday July 14, I went to the AJR concert for my son's first concert. It was the most incredible night because not only did I get to see the joy and excitement from my son's eyes while he was dancing his ass off, but I got to remember every second of it. What's crazy to me is that I didn't crave a drink the entire time. Normally I'm sitting there with my first 2 drinks wondering when I'm going to get my next drinks. I also didn't have to get up to pee at all, which was an added bonus haha I think this past weekend taught me a nice lesson. It reminded me of the morning headache and sleeping issues that drinking brings, but it also was a huge eye opener that I really CAN have fun without drinking. My next big test will be Disneyland in 1.5 weeks. We are going for my son's 9th birthday and spending the night down there. Every Disney trip has always included my husband and I getting beers, but then we'll get way too many and I'll blackout. The last time I went, I blacked out for 2 rides and didn't remember until I looked at pictures the next day. This was just April of this year, so only 3 months ago. I can't do that again. I know that the sound of one drink sounds fun to "relax", but I know I won't stop at one and then I won't be able to sleep that night. So my goal is to look for delicious non-alcoholic drinks ahead of time so I'm prepared and already looking forward to them. And I'm going to bring my NA White Claws to the pool at the hotel the day before. I'm excited for this! I'm not too anxious about it, but I know that it's been hard for me to stay committed to in the past so I want to stay true to myself this time. I don't need alcohol to have fun at my favorite place in the world.

[soberelixer]

Day 22

Well...I caved. Here's the story. Yesterday was my best friend's birthday party at TopGolf. We all met at a brewery first and I managed to stay strong and only get a strawberry lemonade which was delicious. Why couldn't I have just stuck with that? Why couldn't I get the NA options that they had? They had 2 NA beers, one was an IPA that I liked. They had 2 mocktail options too, along with a lot of other delicious drinks that I could've drank. But I fell victim to the belief that I needed alcohol to have more fun yesterday. To be honest, I don't completely regret it. Only because it was a great reminder of a few things. First, it's a great reminder that I still cannot only have one drink. I finished that first drink so quickly. I was immediately wanting that next drink. I was already done with the first drink before we started playing golf. I ended the night with having a total of 5 or 6 drinks. I can't remember if I ordered 3 more while we were playing golf or just 2. But then I had another once we were done playing golf while we were hanging out at the bar there. Then we decided to go to another bar and play pool, where I got my final drink of the night. Second, I feel like I was more aware. I had different thoughts while I was drinking. For example, on our way home I kept wanting to go to "one more bar". But I KNEW it was a bad idea so I didn't even say anything. But it was still in my head the entire drive home. Normally I would've asked my husband to go and got mad if he didn't want to. So I'm glad there's progress being made, but I wish I could just get that thought out of my head all together. I guess time is the only thing that will do that. Luckily I didn't have any blackouts, but I was up all night with horrible hangxiety. I kept having horrible dreams too. Dreams that felt so real that it took me a couple of seconds to realize they were dreams once I woke up. They were just all dreams about stressful situations. One example was a dream where we were watching a dog, but we lost it and I was trying to call different shelters to see if the dog was there. When I woke up, I had to think about it for a few seconds to remember if we were watching a dog or not. It felt so real. My hangxiety is awful. Luckily it's almost gone right now, at 12:45pm, but it was there up until at least 11:30am. My chest gets so tense and nervous trying to think of things I should be worried about, but also trying to block everything out of my head at the same time. It's such a horrible feeling. I'm writing this morning because I want to look back on this and remember how I felt the next morning. I need to remember that I will feel horrible and have the worst sleep because of drinking. I will have regrets. I will be anxious. All of these things just aren't worth it. So yes, I am "starting over" today, but I've decided to keep the same timeline and know that I had one hiccup in the process. So cheers to day 22 minus one hiccup. 🩷

[soberelixer]

This is going to be the best weekend ever. Not only am I going to my first comedy show sober, but I'm also going to my first concert sober. My best friend's birthday party is on 7/13 too, which will be at a brewery followed by Topgolf. I'm so glad I'm getting all of these events out of the way now. I feel like these are all events that I would've said "I'll wait until after that weekend and then stop drinking!". But I know there will ALWAYS be some sort of an event to give me an excuse to drink. You just have to have the right mindset. I truly believe that you need to just finally be sick and tired of being sick and tired to finally get there. Otherwise it's too easy to just push it off another weekend. Tonight I went to my favorite restaurant where I normally have 2-3 beers and forget the ride home. Today I went there and they had someone come out to us while we were waiting out front to take our drink order. I ordered 2 cokes. One for me and one for my son. $6 total. Damn it's nice having these prices! I think 1 beer is around $8 there, so cheers to saving money. Then we went to the theater for the comedy show. It was a larger venue, so they luckily didn't have the 2 drink minimum. The lines for the two bars that they had were SO long. People getting 2 drinks at a time to stock up for the show. That would've been me. All I saw when I looked at that line was the old me who would've been worried because she'd miss the beginning of the show because she'd still be in line getting drinks. Two of course, so I could bring it back to my seat. But the second I took the first sip, I would've been wondering how long the line would be to go back and get 2 more. It's weird because my brain is still trained to think that I need alcohol to have fun. I'm not going to lie and say I'm completely cured. But then I think WHY do I think that? Only because that's the way the world glamorizes alcohol. Every commercial, tv show, movie, magazine ad...they always have a drink in their hand to show how much fun they're having. I have 40 years of this to unlearn. It's definitely interesting knowing this and trying to think differently, especially while it's happening all around you. So here's an NA cheers to this weekend full of more events where everyone will be drinking and I will be there remembering it all. 🩷

[soberelixer]

Day 15

I can't believe it, but I made it through a 4th of July pool party, going to Hurricane Harbor and Magic Mountain, my friend's house yesterday where everyone was drinking, and another pool party today where everyone was drinking. I made it through ALL of those events completely sober. I would've been so hungover all weekend from all of this. I also wouldn't have been able to get up to go to Hurricane Harbor on Friday morning and survive an entire day there if I had drank on the 4th. I'm just so glad I'm still doing this. I downloaded a couple of new books about sobriety on Audible, so I'm excited to listen to them. I need to full engross myself in this. I know that's the only way I'll continue to be able to full commit. I also need to add exercise into the routine because now that I'm 2 weeks in, I want to start seeing the scale drop and I know I won't if I continue to eat the way I am. I'm so glad the 4th of July is behind me. I've been dreading it and was anxious that it would be too hard for me not to drink. That sounds so stupid. I know it's bad for me, I know I'm doing this for a reason. I'm just so so glad I was able to remember that and stay strong.

[soberelixer]

Day 9

The main thing I've noticed is my anxiety levels are much lower than they normally are. I have a lot to be stressed and anxious about, but my heart isn't pounding all day. The next thing I need to do it start waking up earlier...

[soberelixer]

Day 8

I've made it a full week! Today is Sunday and last Sunday was my first day sober. I got a text from someone that I met in the sober mom Facebook group saying that she gave in last night at a rodeo because they didn't have any alcohol free drinks. It really made me see myself in her because I feel like that's something I would do. I'm so glad I woke up this morning feeling fine. Cheers to a beautiful sober Sunday!

[soberelixer]

Day 7

This time last week I was at my husband's birthday party probably on my 2nd IPA. I don't know how many I had there, but I do know that I don't remember the drive home. I don't know if I said anything embarrassing, and I don't know when exactly things started to get fuzzy. And that's the problem. I always think I'm fine until the next day. There are never enough drinks either. After that first sip, I'll just keep going. What am I trying to achieve? To be more and more numb? That isn't what's on my mind at the time, but that's basically what I'm doing. I don't know why I keep feeling the need to keep getting "one more". Why isn't the buzz off of one good enough? Why do I feel like I need that buzz to have fun? I'm glad I'm aware of these things from reading books in the past. My two favorites so far are The Naked Mind and Quit Drinking Without Willpower by Allen Carr. Read those if you haven't already!!! I'm taking it easy today. I'm dog sitting and just working from home. Looking ahead at next week with 3 social gatherings planned, I've already stocked up on AF White Claws. We have a 4th of July pool party, going to another friend's house on the 6th, and another pool party on the 7th. It'll definitely be a drinking vibe at all 3, so I'll come prepared and I feel like it will go well. I'm still not craving a drink. I don't want to kill the streak I'm on and I just want to keep going to see how amazing I can feel again.

[soberelixer]

Day 6

I woke up with a headache and more brain fog today, but I feel great after taking a shower and eating breakfast. I'm trying to log the headaches so I can see how long they last. I can't wait to wake up full of energy, but I know that takes a while. Today is Friday and this will be my first FULL weekend being sober in who knows how long. The last time I was sober was Feb-April 2022, so I'm assuming that was the last time I went a full weekend. The good thing is I'm not craving alcohol at all yet. I'm trying to just focus on getting the poison out of my body. I have my first physical on Wednesday next week, so I'm excited to see where all of my numbers/levels are at now and then test them again in 6 months-1 year.

[soberelixer]

I heard this quote earlier today and I never realized that I did it myself. "I'd buy everyone else drinks so my drink would become hidden." I never wanted to stand out. Sometimes the person wouldn't even drink the drink I bought them. I just didn't want to look like the only person that was drinking.

[letsgrownnhealtogether]

Something I saw that I thought was worth sharing, and may be helpful and needed for someone 🫶🫰 you got this!

[soberelixer]

Needed this today!

[soberelixer]

Day 4 - Part 3

So I've been sober since. It was hard on Monday, only one day in, because I went to the movies with my son and I'm always triggered there because I can't remember the last time I went to the movies without getting a drink. I even asked my son if he wanted a soda refill just so I could go out and "maybe" get a drink. Someone asked if I needed help. I lied and asked what IPA's they had and said I'd go back and "let my husband know". My husband wasn't even there. I just needed to say something so I didn't cave and buy a drink. But I did it. This was another time that I was "there and participating", but my mind was preoccupied with alcohol the entire movie. I can't wait until these days are behind me. I know I'll get there. I know I can't drink anymore. I know I'll get to the other side. But for now, this is a struggle. But if it was easy, everyone would do it. So here it is…one day at a time.

[soberelixer]

Day 4 - Part 2

I went to a Dodger game the other day and I stopped at a grocery store on the way there so I could get my husband and I a couple of tall White Claws to drink before we went into the game. I decided to move to the back seat so no one could see that I was drinking in a car, but the most important person saw me. My 8 year old son was sitting right next to me and asked why I was moving to the back to sit next to him. I couldn't give him an answer. I just played it off. I knew I was ashamed of myself, but all I could think about was the next drink. My husband got us another drink once we got to the game and even after having the first sip, all I could think about was the next one. SO much of the game was focused on finding the next drink. Then when I finally said something about getting another one, my husband told me that they stopped selling beer at the end of the 7th inning. Of course I immediately Googled it to make sure he was right and he was. My internal dialogue was so loud that I could barely focus on the game. Then before I knew it, the game was over. So I thought of a family style brewery that we could stop at on the way home to have "one more drink". I don't remember the ride home. The next day we went to the pool and nothing much happened that day. But the next day was Father's Day and that's the day where I knew I needed to change. It was the wakeup call that I needed. We went to the driving range and my husband's brother met us there. I acted like I was being the "amazing wife" and was going to go to the liquor store across the street to get beer for them. That of course included a 6-pack of White Claws for myself. That quickly turned into getting them more drinks, ordering pizza, breadsticks, and I think something else? I don't remember saying goodbye to my brother-in-law. I don't remember the drive home. But I do know that we went to the grocery store on the way home and I decided it would be a great idea to get more beer for my husband, a TON of candy, ice cream sandwiches, one more large White Claw for myself (at least I was "responsible" enough to know that I shouldn't get another 6-pack). Then I remember getting a text later that evening while we were watching Batman Begins together, which I don't remember watching at all, saying that that was the last night for the Six Flags season pass promo. So I ran to my room, jumped on the computer and bought 2 passes for my youngest son and I. I had been thinking about buying them before this day, but I didn't even think to look at our bank account. That next morning, I woke up to $5 in our bank account. That was my first Day 1 for me, June 17. But I knew my husband's birthday party was that coming Saturday. So I decided since it was going to be at a brewery and all of my friends were going to be there, it would be too soon to try to attend an event without drinking. That was going to be my one cheat day and my second Day 1 was going to start the next day, June 23. So far it has been successful. I did drink at my husband's birthday. I have no idea how many glasses of beer I actually had though. I don't remember the very end. I definitely don't remember the drive home. Apparently I took a video of my husband's friend driving in front of us. It's such a crazy thing to watch because I can't remember taking that video at all. I sobered up a little bit once I got home. I had NA White Claws ready in the fridge so I had one of those. I had a pounding headache from day drinking all day though. I went in the back of the house while my mother-in-law and one of my husband's friends were still here. I just couldn't do it anymore. I realized I had barely ate all day so after they left, my husband was nice enough to help me make a bagel. That helped a lot, so I'm glad I did that before going to bed. Continued...

[soberelixer]

Day 4 - Part 1

I wish I would've started this on Day 1, but here I am on the night of Day 4 and going strong. This morning was the first morning that I woke up with blurred vision. At first I thought it might be because I had the NA White Claws. But then I realized I also was sweating in my sleep this morning with the house at 70 degrees, so I think this was just part of detoxing. I've had the night sweats before and it usually happened on Day 2, but this was a first time where I had blurry vision for a couple hours after waking up. I would have this sometimes when I drank a lot the night before. But I think this was my first time the blurred vision/brain fog happened this badly after being a few days sober. Everything has been going well this week, although I have been relying on NA White Claws to help get me through. I find myself looking forward to them and I guess this is better than drinking 5-6 normal ones every night, but another goal of mine was to save money and these are the same price. I am only having about 2 per night, so it's not like I'm drinking a full 6-pack every night, but I'd like to get to the point where I'm not thinking about them during the day and feeling the "need" to get through my evening with them. My goal is to only have one when I'm having a HUGE craving and also when I'm with friends because I know that will be hard for me. So far the upcoming dates that I'm a bit nervous about are the 4th of July, that following weekend when we're going to a friend's house to go in their pool, and then the 13th where I know we're going out with my friends for one of my best friend's birthday. She knows I'm not drinking though, so I'll have to find NA options at whatever bar we go to. I'm so glad I'm on this track again. It's been a long time since I've been this motivated, but I was drinking way too much and it was completely consuming my mind for a long time now. I read a post in a Sober FB group this morning and there were a couple of lines that really stuck with me. "It became my only real objective. I was there and participating, but my mind was preoccupied with alcohol." This is me. I've never been able to put it into words so perfectly, but this completely describes how I've been for the past…decade? Continued...