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Diana’s giggle drifts through the kitchen from the dinner table, Rich’s deep voice interrupted by Mary, Shannon, and Beatrice arguing over a board game. Ava knows Beatrice is reading the rule book, she has a certain tone that she only uses when she’s reading directions or rule books. Shannon cries out sharply and the booklet tumbles through the air into the kitchen.

Ava picks it up, sets it on the counter and leans to find Shannon trying to lick Beatrice on the forehead while Mary holds her arms against her sides to prevent her from escaping Shannon’s torment.

"Children, the lot of ‘em." Martha shakes her head fondly, Ava helps her clear the dishes from the table. She takes the place beside Martha over the kitchen sink, drying and stacking the dishes while Martha washes. The quiet is filled with laughter and soft chatter from the next room and something more, something Ava doesn’t have a word to describe but it’s light and it’s warm and it makes her eyes wet and her throat tight.

"Are you okay?" Martha stops scrubbing to search Ava’s eyes.

"Yeah, I’m good. I just - " she shrugs, she doesn’t know the right words. "I keep thinking how lucky Diana is that she gets holidays like this. I didn’t have this growing up and it means a lot that she does."

If she leans just right, she can see Rich teaching Diana how to make shadow puppets with her hands. Diana isn’t following along at all, though Rich is carefully folding her fingers. She catches a glimpse of the back of Beatrice’s head, checking on Diana.

"I’m sorry you didn’t have this as a child, but you have it now. You can’t turn back time and change what you didn’t have before, but don’t let that steal what you have now."

Ava nods and returns to drying the dishes in silence, trying to memorize the way Diana’s laughter blends with Shannon and Beatrice arguing. The ache in her chest builds and builds until she doesn’t know how she’s supposed to breathe around it.

"Ava?" Beatrice is leaning into the kitchen, hanging on the doorframe and grinning. "Did you hear me?"

"No, sorry. I spaced out a bit."

"You don’t have to apologize. I said Mary and Shannon want to know if they can take Diana to look at the Christmas lights? There’s a drive through light show they want to show her."

"Yeah, she’ll love that." Beatrice disappears in a flurry, her voice floating through the open door.

"She loves you." The glass plate slips out of Ava’s hand, falling to the floor and shattering at her feet.

"Fuck, I’m so sorry."

"Are you alright?" Beatrice is beside her before Ava can even stoop to pick up the pieces. "Hey, let me get it, you’re going to cut yourself."

"I’m sorry," Ava repeats and Beatrice frowns and brushes the hair from her face.

"It was an accident, you have nothing to apologize for. What’s important is that you’re not hurt. Come ‘ere." She guides her carefully over the glass shards, kicking a path clear. She checks Ava’s palms for injury, tracing them with her thumbs so tenderly Ava’s heart aches. When Beatrice is satisfied, she smiles and disappears, reappearing with a broom and dustpan. "Hey, why don’t you take a break, I can take over here."

"No, it’s okay. I’m okay." Beatrice looks unsteady.

"Are you certain?" She’s cleared the glass away and closed the distance between them. Her breath is warm on Ava’s face, soft as a butterfly wing. When Ava nods, Beatrice hesitates.

"I’m good, Bea. Promise." Ava could melt into the floor under Beatrice’s steady gaze. Ava tilts into her, thumps heavily into her chest and buries her nose in the crook of her neck. She can feel Beatrice’s smile against the top of her head, hear her steady heart beating in her chest, smell the coconut lotion she uses on top of something so raw and distinctly Beatrice.

Beatrice doesn’t pull away. Beatrice never pulls away, she always waits for Ava, holds her as long as she wants to be held. Beatrice gives as much affection as Ava is willing to take. She’s always there when Ava needs her, even if Ava doesn’t realize it.

Ava’s throat is raw, chest sore and achey like she’s been sick. Perhaps she has. She has no other way to explain away the glaringly obvious truth that she’s in love with her best friend.

She’s never considered the possibility that her best friend loves her back.

"Are you sure you’re alright?" Ava knows she has tears in her eyes, but she is okay.

"Yeah, thank you."

"For what?"

"Just. For being you. Thank you."

"I wouldn’t know how to be anyone else." It’s soft and taunting, but there’s a rawness in her words, a vulnerability no language could ever encapsulate.

She lingers in the doorway until Ava shoos her away with a laugh, turning back to Martha when they’re alone again.

"You… umm… what you said… you - you meant it?"

"I know my daughters, Ava. And that one? She’s head over heels for you. She would give you the moon, if you asked. She loves you and she loves your little girl."

"How… umm… how do you know?" She wishes she didn’t sound so desperate, but she doesn’t want to hide it anymore. She’s overflowing and she doesn’t have anywhere else to hide it. There’s too much inside her, it’s seeping out at the seams. She’s been trying so frantically to ignore it and, when it became impossible to ignore, to stifle it.

She can’t be in love with Beatrice. Beatrice is smart and beautiful and successful, Beatrice is going to change the world. The only thing Ava has ever done right is Diana. The rest of her life is meaningless.

"She’s never brought anyone home before. We always offered, always asked if she wanted to bring anyone, and her answer was always no. She called me in August and asked if you and Diana could spend the holidays with us.

"And she lights up when she sees you or talks about you. Hell, I can even tell when she’s thinking of you because she has this - this look that is reserved for you. Just you."

Martha gives Ava the last dish, hands covered in soapy water and eyes distant.

"When she first came to us, she was in bad shape. She had an emptiness in her that Rich and I worried we’d never be able to fill. Her parents rejected her and threw her out, she had to leave the only home she’d ever known with nothing but the clothes on her back and a backpack of whatever items she’d thought important.

"She got her light back, a little. With some time and some love. Shannon tried so hard to nurture that flame. But she was just a kid, she couldn’t fix everything. She didn’t always know the right words to say or the right things to do. But she did her best, and I think Beatrice knew that. And Rich and I tried, but Beatrice didn’t talk to us. Not like with Shannon. Not like she does now. Even on her best days, we only got glimpses of the girl you see, Ava.

"You make her happy in a way I think she never thought she could be."

"I don’t do anything, though. I’m not special. I’m not - "

"You’re enough, Ava." Martha wipes her wet hands on a dish towel before taking Ava by the shoulders, her palms are still damp but Ava doesn’t mind. "She doesn’t care about whatever you think you need to be worthy of her. She chose you. She chose you and she chose Diana and she’s not going to walk away from that. Beatrice is a very deliberate person, she is careful and conscious of every decision she makes. She guards her heart with everything she has. Do you understand what I’m saying?"

Ava shakes her head, her chest tingles and her head spins and she has to brace herself against the counter because she’s scared she will fall over.

"She gave you her heart, Ava. The little girl who never believed in love pulled her heart from her chest and gave it to you in a box tied up with a ribbon. She went against everything she believed and gave you herself in every way you will take her. Over and over again, she has chosen you. She has given you herself time and time and time again. She won’t give that up, not ever.

"Rich wants me to give you his usual if you hurt my daughter, you’ll regret it macho man routine but I don’t think you will. I think you’ll protect her heart as fiercely as your own. I trust you with my baby’s heart. And I really hope you do too."

Ava doesn’t have a response. What can someone say to that? No words will ever be enough to express the exhilarating terror that Martha’s words filled her with. Her bones are buzzing and her skin is tingling and her head is spinning and she wants to go to Beatrice.

Martha gives her a polite smile before excusing herself. Beatrice comes looking for Ava when she doesn’t follow. Ava is staring blankly at the countertop, palms pressing her shoulders to her ringing ears.

"Hey." Beatrice tucks the hair behind her ear, tracing the line of her neck to her shoulder. "Are you alright?"

"Is this real? Are you real?"

"I believe so." Beatrice steps closer, twists a lock of Ava’s hair around her finger. "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. I’m good. I’m - I don’t know. I’m so happy, I’m exhausted. If that makes sense."

"Do you want to go to sleep? I can text Shannon to see if they’re okay keeping Diana tonight and we can go to bed, if you’d like?"

"Can you just…" Ava sighs, she doesn’t know the words she’s looking for. "Can you just be here right now? We can do that in a minute, I just want to be here with you for a bit." Beatrice nods and brushes a kiss against Ava’s temple when she curls around Beatrice.

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Ava wakes to the sound of laughter drifting through the crack in the door. She’s alone in bed, but Beatrice’s side is still warm. She ignores the sharp pang in her chest, presses her palm into the indention where Beatrice had slept beside her.

There’s a picture frame on the bedside table, one Ava is certain wasn’t there when they first arrived. The frame is uneven, sloppily colored marker on cheap wood, covered in cartoon animal stickers. It screams Diana.

"Oh, you’re awake."

"Mornin’." Beatrice crawls back into bed with her, presses a kiss against the top of her head when Ava cuddles into her.

"I wanted to be here when you woke, sorry."

"You’re here now." Ava rolls onto her, settles when she’s almost entirely on Beatrice. She’s rewarded with a chuckle and back scratches.

She had every intention of staying awake, but when she wakes the second time, the sun is bright in the window and Beatrice is asleep under her. She starts to pull away, only Beatrice squeezes her tighter and whines.

Ava’s been stuck in worse places.

Ava doesn’t save movie ticket stubs or press flowers between books to save them forever, she’s never wished she could freeze time to preserve a moment just a little longer. She's never been sentimental in that way.

Not until Beatrice.

She finds herself wishing she could barter with Father Time to give her just twenty more seconds with Beatrice every day, just twenty seconds more of her warmth and serenity. Twenty seconds to admire the way her freckles dance when she smiles and her eyes shine when she speaks.

"I can feel you staring." Beatrice smiles and rests her chin on the top of Ava’s head. A deep breath, a soft sigh, a heartbeat warm beneath Ava’s palm.

"I wouldn’t have to if you weren’t so damn beautiful." Beatrice makes a soft whiny noise in the back of her throat and her cheeks flush and, holy fuck, Ava was not expecting that and it was so cute and she’s suddenly hot, so hot, she’s sweating, she’s melting.

"Have you seen yourself?" Ava could kiss her. Ava wants to kiss her. If she’s not careful, Ava’s going to kiss her.

God, what do her lips feel like?

"Mama?" Yes, good. Ava can’t kiss her if she’s taking care of Diana. "Up up?"

Diana’s still in her gingerbread man pajamas, she’s dragging her rubber duck blanket and a stuffed monkey. She throws herself against the bed and pulls herself up with the duvet.

"Good morning, baby." Diana climbs onto Beatrice’s other side, mirroring the way her mother is sprawled across her.

For a moment, nothing exists but the three of them. Frozen in amber to be immortalized for the rest of human existence. Ava was never the sentimental type.

Not until Beatrice.

~*~

Beatrice is hidden in the den, tucked between the bookshelves and the wall, chewing on her thumbnail and staring at the same page she’d started over at least five times.

"Are you okay, kiddo?" Rich extends a beer to her, she shakes her head. "Wanna talk about it?"

"I’m - I’m not sure. Where’s - "

"Family grocery trip. I wanted to chat with you alone." Beatrice closes her book.

"Am I in trouble?" It’s a joke, but he doesn’t laugh. "Oh. I am in trouble."

"No, no. Why don’t you come over here?" He motions to the couch and Beatrice’s heart sinks to her stomach. The last time she was called to the couch still haunts her.

"Beatrice, can you join me for a moment?"

"Am I in trouble?"

"No, I just need to chat with you for a moment."

"Oh god. Is this the sex talk? Because I - "

"I know Shannon’s talked with you but there are things I need to make sure you know."

That’s when Martha pulled out the banana and the condom.

"Oh, I really don’t - "

"Beatrice, I can’t tell you not to have sex, but I can show you how to be safe."

"I really don’t think - "

"So I’m going to show you how then I want you to show me, okay? It’s really important that you put the condom on right because that’s the only way to not only prevent pregnancy but also - "

"Martha, please I - " Beatrice wished the floor would open up and swallow her whole, she felt like she was on fire. She could have died. She would’ve rather died than have that conversation with Martha.

"Beatrice, I know you’re uncomfortable, I am too. But this is important."

"No, I need to tell you - "

"Oh god, don’t tell me you’re pregnant? I knew I should’ve had this talk wi - "

"No! I’m gay, I’m really gay. I’m a lesbian. I don’t like boys at all. I’m not interested - "

"I know."

"What?" She knows? How? Shannon would never -

"Don’t worry, Shannon didn’t say anything. I’ve known since the beginning. I didn’t think you would ever come out unless you were pushed."

"How?"

"I know my daughters, Beatrice. I know when Shannon sneaks out and I know when you borrow my car without asking and I know when you both have been drinking. Call it mother’s intuition, call it gut instinct, call it whatever you want. But I know."

"I feel like I have to tell you, if this is another sex talk, Martha already told me and you’re a little late."

"No, it’s not that. It’s about Ava."

God, that’s worse. Beatrice almost wishes he had said it was another sex talk.

"Don’t worry, kid, just take a seat." Beatrice grimaces but she takes the seat, ignoring the pit in her stomach.

"So?"

"Martha already gave Ava an if you hurt my daughter talk, but, from what I understand, Ava doesn’t have someone to do that for her. Am I right?"

"You are correct."

"Okay then. I don’t know her very well, but I have grown quite fond of her this week. She seems like a good person, and I know she makes you happy. She looks at you like you paint every sunset just for her. I don’t know if you’re both pretending there’s nothing between you two, but there is. There’s something real there, Beatrice. Something good."

"I don’t think - I - I’m not sure - she doesn’t have feelings for me."

"And you’re sure about that?" No. She wants to say. I’m not sure of anything except that I’m in love with her.

"You’re not, are you? You know I’m right. I don’t know how many times I have to tell you but you deserve good things, Beatrice. You deserve good things.

"Ava’s a good thing. Okay? She’s smart and funny and kind and she’s in love with you."

"What - what if it doesn’t work?"

"What if it does?" For the first time, she looks at him. Really looks at him. She takes in his weathered face, sees every wrinkle and freckle and scar. He has laugh lines and crows feet and a scar on his left eyebrow from when Beatrice decided she wanted to play lacrosse.

There’s a story for every mark on his face, a lesson that was learned or a memory that was made. His whole life is written in the history of his face, she can see it now. From learning to crawl to walking Shannon down the aisle, from playing hide and seek to finding the love of his life. First kisses and near misses and moments that can’t be replaced. He’s lived an entire life before he met her.

Sometimes she forgets he wasn’t always Shannon’s father, that he was just a boy once, just a boy with braces and a bad perm and an undeniable crush on the girl in his world history class. He was just Ricky. He wasn’t a father, he wasn’t a husband, he didn’t have to be anything for anyone.

He’s lived through things Beatrice will never know about.

"I can’t lose them. I can’t." Now he looks at her like he can see the inside of her soul, like he knows things about her that she doesn’t yet know herself.

"Then don’t. No matter what happens between you and Ava, you can’t walk away from Diana. She depends on you now, so you have to keep showing up for her. Do you understand that?

"I don’t care if Ava breaks your heart and sells the pieces for drug money, that little girl needs you. She needs you, Beatrice. Not me, not Shannon, not Martha. You. You’re her parent now, that’s not something you can just take off and pass to someone else. You have to carry that for the rest of your life. You have to take care of her for the rest of your life.

"If you break Ava’s heart, I’ll understand. But if you break Diana’s heart…" He doesn’t say it. He doesn’t have to. She knows.

"I think - I think I really like her…" She’s chewing on her lip and peeling off the chapped skin. He pats her knee and offers a gentle smile.

"I know you do, kid. I see how you look at her." He takes a swig of his beer and rests his elbows on his knees.

"I don’t want to lose them. I really don’t want to hurt either of them. Especially Diana. She’s just…" She sighs and shrugs. "She’s a little ball of light. I don’t want to take that from her."

"So don’t."

"It’s not - it’s not that easy, Rich."

"Sure it is. You don’t want to lose them and you don’t want to hurt them, so don’t. I trust you won’t, why can’t you?"

"Because - "

"We’re home!" The door thumps against the wall, keys drop into the glass dish in the entryway, tiny feet patter down the hallway.

"Da!" Diana cheers, launching herself over the coffee table and into Beatrice’s lap. She immediately launches into a nonsensical babbling about their trip to the shops, Ava follows a few moments later trying to coax Diana out of her coat and shoes.

Ava has a Santa sticker in her hair, Beatrice extracts it carefully, ignoring how her face flushes hot when her knuckles brush against Ava’s cheek. Her head spins when Ava’s smiles at her.

Why can’t it be that easy?

She knows, logically, why it isn’t easy. She knows how much she stands to lose if it falls apart, she knows how broken she would be if it doesn’t work.

But what if it all works out in the end?

~*~

"Five!" Ava’s head is swimming, spinning and swirling the Christmas lights into a muddled mess. Her chest is warm, burning like the fire in front of her.

"Four!" She leans heavily into Beatrice’s side. Her skin smolders in every place they touch.

"Three!" Beatrice shimmers, bright and glowing when she smiles at her. Her eyes twinkle and shine brighter than the fireworks in the sky.

"Two!" Their faces flash red, blue, purple, gold. Their breaths puff and mingle between them. They’re close enough to kiss. Ava would barely have to move for their lips to touch.

"One!" Confetti pops and shimmers and falls around them, the fireworks crack and burn but Ava’s view is much more dazzling. Beatrice with her head tilted to the sky watching the glimmering light show, the deep velvet sky broken up by starlight and burning gunpowder. Her smile is easy and crooked, she pulls Ava tighter into her side, the arm around her waist strong and addictive. Ava never wants her to move.

"Happy new year!" Shannon flashes them with a sunshine smile, presses a quick kiss against Beatrice’s cheek before catapulting into Mary’s arms to kiss her.

Beatrice twists, her voice soft and hesitant. Ava can barely make it out over the celebration around them.

"Would you be my first kiss of the new year?" Ava’s heart chisels into her ribs, so loud she’s certain Beatrice can hear it. When she nods, Beatrice cradles her face between her hands, her thumbs ghosting over her cheeks and Ava ruptures. Beatrice ignites a wildfire beneath her skin, blazing and scalding and uncontrollable.

She tilts Ava’s head and presses a feather light kiss against her cheek.

Ava can’t tell if the flashing behind her eyes is from the fireworks or from Beatrice’s lips so close to her own. The world tilts and spins and Ava’s knees nearly give out. She has to dig her fingers into Beatrice’s shoulders to keep from falling. Beatrice notices, her eyes flicker when Ava nearly tips into her and she steadies her, nodding to the back door.

Ava is going to melt through the floorboards. Beatrice leads her slowly up the stairs. She’s speaking, murmuring something quietly that Ava can’t understand — can’t hear over the timpani rhythm thrashing in her ears. She holds the door for Ava, eases it closed behind her and Ava can’t resist anymore.

She presses Beatrice’s back into the door and kisses her, softly, hesitantly. Beatrice only hesitates a moment before she threads her fingers through Ava’s hair, tongue warm against Ava’s bottom lip.

Ava’s ruined, absolutely ruined for anyone else. Beatrice’s kiss is intoxicating, her touch insidious as it burns over her skin. She tastes like sunshine and champagne and forever. Ava could spend the rest of her life in this moment, in the bright, burning moment.

"Ava…" Beatrice husks, breath fanning across Ava’s face when Ava leans in to kiss along her jaw. "Ava, you’re drunk."

Ava hums, continuing her exploration of Beatrice’s neck. Beatrice whimpers when Ava scraps her teeth over her pulse, shivering and biting hard on her lip before she presses her palm into Ava’s sternum. She nudges her, peels Ava off of her.

"Ava, you’re drunk." Her lips are red and swollen and her chest is heaving, eyes blown and dark. "We - I can’t. You’ve been drinking."

"I want this." She tries to lean back into her but Beatrice’s palm keeps her just far enough away. "Bea…"

"You might change your mind in the morning." Beatrice has mostly gotten herself together, her breathing not nearly as heavy as before.

"I won’t - "

"Please," Beatrice finally moves her hand away, lifts it to cradle the back of Ava’s head. Her eyes shimmer with unshed tears, swirling and bubbling with something Ava doesn’t understand.

"Can I…" Ava steps back into her, pauses a breath away from her lips. Beatrice kisses her again, soft but certain. She rests their foreheads together when she breaks away, neither moves. Ava watches her eyelids flutter, counts the freckles across her nose and cheeks, savors having Beatrice this close. She’s twisted the neck of Beatrice’s sweater around her fingers and she releases it now, tries to smooth the wrinkles.

"It’s fine." Beatrice kisses her cheek, lingers long enough for Ava to fold into her chest, her heartbeat thunders heavy and fast beneath Ava’s hand. "Let’s go to bed, darling."

Neither wants to let go, wants the moment to end, but Beatrice leads them to the bed and slowly untangles from Ava. She helps Ava take off her shoes, gathers their clothes from the floor after they change, and slips into the bed beside Ava. They don’t touch, Ava curls onto her side and stares at the opposite wall and Beatrice watches the fan spin in slow circles.

Ava’s head still spins and her entire body still simmers from Beatrice’s touch, but it’s fading. With every heartbeat, her blood grows colder and her heart squeezes tighter in her chest. She can’t help but wonder if she’s ruined the best thing in her life.

"Bea?" They know each other too well now, they know when the other is asleep and when they’re pretending. When Beatrice hums, Ava rolls herself over and props herself on her elbow. "Are we okay?"

Her stomach roils and churns until Beatrice opens her eyes. She brushes Ava’s loose hair over her shoulder, traces a line down her arm and tugs Ava into her by the wrist, rubbing her thumb over her knuckles.

"Always." Ava presses her ear above Beatrice’s heartbeat. "We’ll talk more in the morning, okay?"

Ava nods, traces shapes onto Beatrice’s sternum, amazed by the goosebumps she raises in her wake. Beatrice’s heart speeds up with every inch she touches. Ava’s doing this to her. Ava’s the cause of the way her heart races and the shiver she tries to repress and the breath caught in her throat when Ava’s finger slips just beneath her neckline.

"Ava…" Her voice is low and warning, she grips Ava’s wrist tightly in her hand and pulls it away.

"Sorry."

"No, you’re not." Ava can practically taste the mirth in Beatrice’s smile, her eyes glittering and light. She’s right and she knows it, taunting even when she drops Ava’s hand and kisses her forehead. "Go to sleep, we’ll talk in the morning."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

~*~

Beatrice doesn’t sleep. She watches the moonlight creep up her walls before it fades and leaves the room bathed in darkness, watches as pale sunlight sneaks through the blinds. She watches Ava’s eyelashes flutter, the easy rise and fall of her breaths, the way her eyebrows knit together and she balls Beatrice’s shirt in her hand, the heavy exhale when Beatrice rubs her back.

She murmurs in her sleep, nonsensical noises intertwined with Beatrice’s name. She rolls away at one point, yanking the duvet with her, but she makes an indignant whiny noise and flips back into Beatrice.

Beatrice shifts onto her side, pulls Ava into her chest and drops her chin on the top of her head. Beatrice wants to slow time to a stop, wants to capture this moment like a firefly in a jar.

For a moment, Beatrice lets the world fall away and lets herself wonder what could be if they didn’t have so much to lose and they were just two women in love. No responsibilities, no obligations, no worries, no fear. Just her and Ava. For a moment, the world shimmers and nothing bad could possibly happen, nothing could hurt them.

The door creaks open slowly and Shannon peeks inside, offers a quick smile and wave before Diana stumbles through the crack.

And the world comes crashing back down around her.

Beatrice slips out of Ava’s embrace and herds Diana back towards the hallway, balancing her on her hip when she holds her arms up asking to be held. Shannon closes the door with the same careful quiet as before. She catches Beatrice by the elbow when they reach the landing at the top of the stairs. She doesn’t have to ask, Beatrice knows her question without needing to hear it. She peels a strip of chapped skin from her bottom lip, offers a quick smile and a head shake before continuing down the stairs.

"You’re quiet this morning." Diana lifts her head sleepily, blinks at Beatrice silently. The silence drops like a stone in her stomach. "Are you okay?" Diana drops her head back against Beatrice’s shoulder with a huff, toying with the neck of Beatrice’s shirt. Beatrice frowns.

"She woke up right before we got you. She’s probably still be waking up." Shannon offers, pats Diana’s back when she slips into the kitchen. Martha smiles at them before offering a plate of pancakes. Beatrice takes one and pulls a little piece off, offering it to Diana. She takes it, but doesn’t eat it, inspects it closely instead.

It’s early. Earlier than Diana is normally awake.

"Did you have a bad dream, baby?" Diana’s bottom lip quivers and she drops the pancake in her hand, presses her face into Beatrice’s shoulder and clenches a fist around the front of her shirt.

Beatrice slips into the den, lifts the blanket from the couch and cradles Diana against her chest while she rocks in the rocking chair. Diana twists around, trying to see the Christmas lights on the tree so Beatrice flips the chair around so she can see them easily. Wraps the blanket around them, searches the surfaces of the room.

Shannon calls her name from the doorway, offers one of Diana’s pacifiers that she accepts gratefully. She waits, tucks herself into the corner of the couch and waits for Diana to fall back asleep before speaking.

"So?" Beatrice sighs and glares at her. "What’s wrong, Speedy?"

Beatrice hesitates, glances down the hallway towards the stairs.

"I think I fucked up, Shan." Her voice cracks and she takes a long, shaking inhale. Shannon is sitting on the coffee table with her hand on Beatrice’s knee before Beatrice can even finish her breath.

"What happened?" Shannon’s inspecting every inch of skin she can see, searching for a bruise or a burn to explain away Beatrice’s tears.

"She kissed me. Last night. And I - " Beatrice shakes her head and shrugs, drops her gaze to Diana.

"You what? Did you slap her?" Beatrice flinches at the accusation, shakes her head forcefully. "Tell her you’re straight? Tell her you’re not in love with her? What?"

"I kissed her back, Shannon." There’s a stinging bite around her words, burning and singeing in her chest.

"Okay…?" Shannon leans back, tilts her head and furrows her eyes. Beatrice waves her hand between them like all the evidence has been presented and Shannon’s an idiot for not seeing what she is. "Okay, I’m actually confused.

"You’re in love with her." It’s a statement, a fact. Undeniable. It’s visible from here to a blind astronaut on the International Space Station. Beatrice can’t deny it.

"Okay so, here’s what I’m getting, let me know if I’m wrong: you’re in love with Ava and you kissed her last night and now you’re freaking out?"

"She was drunk, she didn’t mean it."

"Oh shut the fuck up. That girl has been in love with you since I first met her. Also, she had two glasses of champagne. She was barely tipsy."

Beatrice drops her eyes to Diana who wiggles when Shannon speaks. She doesn’t respond, she knows Shannon’s right but she can’t admit that to herself without getting her hopes up.

"Okay so you kissed and then what?" Beatrice shakes her head and Shannon groans. "You kissed her then went to sleep? You didn’t even talk about it?"

"I told her we could talk in the morning."

"Well it’s morning now, why aren’t you talking? Oh my god, you need to get your ass up there before she wakes up because she’s going to think she fucked up if she wakes up alone." Shannon pulls her from the seat, leads her to the bottom of the stairs and motions up them. Beatrice hesitates, gut churning so hard she thinks she’s going to vomit. "Look. You can’t change what happened, Bea. But you can go up there and tell her you’re in love with her."

Beatrice’s heart pounds so loudly, she worries it will wake Diana. She can see her heart beating against her chest, feel it pressing heavy behind her eyes, thrashing in her ears. She feels unsteady, like the time she had a concussion and the ground felt like water beneath her feet. She knows, on an intellectual level, Shannon is right. But right now, in her aching chest and burning bones and spinning head, it doesn’t matter. Because she let the fire burn too long and now she’s going to lose the forest.

She paces in front of the door, forces herself still and breathes deeply and opens the door quietly. Ava’s sitting up in the bed, legs crossed and holding something in her hands.

"Good morning." Beatrice freezes in the doorway, waiting for the courage to move closer. Ava’s eyes are shimmering when she looks up, frowning when she sees Diana in Beatrice’s arms.

"Is she okay?" Her voice cracks and she clears her throat before repeating herself.

"Yeah, she had a bad dream." Beatrice is rooted in the doorway, unmoving. Ava doesn’t move to her either. "She’s - she’s asleep again now."

Ava nods solemnly, picks at the dry skin on her lips for a moment before turning back to the object in her lap. Beatrice takes a step forward. Then another. And another. She stops at the foot of the bed, ears ringing and heartbeat louder than a war drum.

Ava has a picture frame in her lap, scribbled green and bearing half a book of stickers. If she flips it over, she’d see where Diana had tried to write her name across the back.

Inside, there’s a picture of the three of them. Diana’s hoisted on Beatrice’s shoulders and she pointing at something out of frame, smiling. Beatrice is looking at Ava, smile softer and eyes glimmering. Ava is in front of them, grinning, bright and vibrant as the summer sun. They were on their way home from the park, had stopped to get ice cream even though it was nearly freezing.

It’s Beatrice’s favorite photo. The only one in a frame in her room, the crooked picture frame filling her bones with warm helium that defies gravity around her until she floats above the ground.

"How’d you sleep?" God, this shouldn’t be this hard. How is she supposed to start this conversation?

I’m in love with you and I’ve been in love with you since before we met, it’s you, Ava.

"Fine. You?"

You’re the one I want for the rest of my life.

"Not very well." Ava looks up from the image in her lap.

The heavens and the earth were formed to be compared to you.

"Sorry." Beatrice wants to kiss her again, to flatten the wrinkle between her brows under the pad of her thumb, to tangle her hand in her hair and breathe in her breaths.

Under all forms and under all aspects, I am yours.

"It wasn’t your fault." Ava nods silently and Diana shifts in Beatrice’s arms, they both watch her whine and push against Beatrice’s chest until she settles again, huffing and curling her fingers around Beatrice’s shirt collar.

You are the rising sun which I adore.

Beatrice moves to Ava’s side of the bed, sitting on the edge and waiting for her to check on Diana. It’s simple. Routine. Beatrice rocks her and Ava flattens the wrinkle between her brow with the pad of her thumb and they sit in silence.

You shame the stars with the brightness in your eyes.

"So, last night." Ava tenses beside her, her breath stutters and she pulls away with an awkward laugh.

"Haha yeah. I - um - I don’t remember much. Hope I didn’t do anything weird." Beatrice’s heart sinks and her face falls as she watches Ava tuck her knees to her chest, she bites her lip to hide her frown.

"No, you’re - " Beatrice sighs. "You’re good. You were fine."

I am irrevocably, undeniably, catastrophically in love with you.

Beatrice stands again, moves to the door and invites Ava to breakfast.

"I’m not very hungry, but thank you." Beatrice nods and closes the door quietly behind her.

Shannon is sat at the bottom of the stairs, twirling a paintbrush through her fingers. She looks up when Beatrice starts down to her, her easy smile falling away to furrowed brows. She presses their foreheads together when she reaches her, cradles the back of her head and listens to her cry. She doesn’t shush her, doesn’t tell her it’s going to be alright. She holds her and she waits.

"She lied." This is the unfortunate truth of knowing someone as well as they know each other. "She said she doesn’t remember last night.

"Shannon, she didn’t have that much to drink."

Shannon glances up the stairs before leading Beatrice down them and out the back door. They crunch over the muddled snow and Shannon guides her to their old, run down treehouse.

"If she said she doesn’t remember that means two things." Shannon drapes her arm over Beatrice’s shoulders and pulls her into her side. "One, you did the right thing by stopping last night. If she can’t talk about a kiss, she’s not ready for more than that. And two, she’s at least as enamored with you as you are her."

Beatrice lifts her head curiously, chewing on her bottom lip and trying to fight back the tears.

"She wouldn’t pretend to have no memory about the atom bomb she dropped in your lap if she wasn’t scared it was going to blow you both up." Beatrice sobs and Shannon pulls her back into her chest. She lets her tears soak through her pullover and listens to the sobs Beatrice muffles with her fist.

They sit for a long time in silence, their breaths puffing around them in tiny thunderclouds. The back door opens and someone calls their names, it’s muffled and too soft to make out entirely, but Beatrice knows it’s Ava.

Shannon watches Beatrice when she doesn’t reply, offers her hand to hold until Beatrice exhales heavily and stands. She sniffs and wipes the dirt from her pants and takes a shuttering breath before re-emerging beside Shannon, Diana still tucked carefully against her chest.

Their cheeks are flushed and their fingers ache and Beatrice worries Diana has gotten too cold, but her face is warm and coated in a thin layer of sweat. Beatrice kisses her forehead before following Shannon in through the back door, through the kitchen, and into the den where she eases into the rocking chair and begins to rock.

She can’t be certain if she’s avoiding Ava or if it’s the opposite, but they don’t speak the rest of the day. In fact, they don’t speak until the early hours of the next morning.

Beatrice isn’t asleep, but she’s pretending to be. Ava doesn’t say anything when she sits upright and tucks her knees to her chest.

"Hey." Despite being wide awake, Beatrice’s voice is groggy. "Are you alright?"

Ava hooks her chin over her shoulder to look at her. She’s not crying but she wishes she were. Maybe if she were crying the ache in her chest would ease.

"Fine."

Beatrice shakes her head at her and sits up. "What’s wrong?"

"Tell me I didn’t ruin this." Now Ava cries. A single desperate sob that shakes the bed.

"Ava…"

"I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I know - I know I - I should - "

"Ava." Beatrice’s hand is soft and warm in her own, pulling her gently to face her.

"I’m sorry." Beatrice shakes her head again, cradles Ava’s face in her hands.

"Ava, stop." She’s gentle. Soft. "You’ve done nothing wrong. You’ve ruined nothing, Ava."

"I - I lied." Ava pulls away.

"I know."

"I remember last night."

"I know."

"I kissed you." Ava finally lifts her head, eyes wide and red. "I’m sorry."

"Ava," Beatrice sighs and smiles. "I kissed you back."

Ava sniffles.

"I kissed you back." Beatrice cups her cheeks again, glances at Ava’s lips before continuing. "I’m not sorry."

"You…" Ava doesn’t continue.

"Yes, Ava." Beatrice nods. "I’m not sorry. I’ll never be sorry for loving you."

Ava doesn’t have any words. She doesn’t know what she would say even if she did. She doesn’t know how to put the heat in her chest into words.

Ava thought she loved JC. She thought she loved him so much she had a baby with him. She moved in with him and they were supposed to be a family. Her, Diana, and JC. She was going to marry him.

Loving JC was like loving a hurricane, unpredictable and dangerous. He never hurt her. Not physically. But Ava used to wonder if he took some sick joy in breaking her heart over and over again.

But Beatrice?

Beatrice is safe and kind and tender. Beatrice is careful with Ava’s heart and protective of Diana’s. Beatrice teaches Diana how to make breakfast and tie her shoes, she tucks her into bed and she reads her bedtime stories. Beatrice takes out Ava’s trash because she knows how it hurts Ava’s back to carry it down the stairs and she always walks on the side closest to traffic when they’re walking on the sidewalk, she brings Ava anti-inflammatory medicine and hot tea and a heating pad when Ava’s back is flaring up.

Loving Beatrice is like coming home from a long trip away, like waking up in your own bed after being away for so long. It’s familiar and gentle and secure.

"I kissed you back. And, if it’s alright with you, I would very much like to do it again?"

Loving JC never felt quite right. Ava always felt like she had to work hard to love him, it felt like a chore that she had to do every day. By the time Ava realized she wasn’t in love with him, she was already pregnant. so she stayed. Because she grew up without a dad and she didn’t want that for her baby.

If only she’d known JC wasn’t going to stay. Maybe she’d have left him sooner. Maybe she’d have met Beatrice sooner and this wouldn’t scare her so much.

Loving Beatrice has always been easy. It’s been so easy Ava didn’t know she was doing it at first. It was as easy as breathing. That’s the scariest part. Ava doesn’t have to try to be someone Beatrice loves, she already is.

"Are you sure?" Ava needs Beatrice to make the move, she can’t. Ava can’t be the person responsible if this burns to the ground around her.

"I’m certain, Ava. May I?" Beatrice traces her thumb over Ava’s jaw, feather light and it makes Ava shiver.

"You may." Beatrice doesn’t move so Ava continues, voice trembling and barely a whisper. "Please."

When Beatrice’s breath fans across Ava’s face, Ava shivers again and Beatrice pauses.

"I’m going to kiss you now." She glances between Ava’s eyes when she speaks, her voice steady and low.

"Okay," Ava whispers, eyes fluttering closed when her nose brushes against Beatrice’s.

And, oh. This kiss is nothing like the one before. It’s gentle and slow and Ava feels alight. Every place when Beatrice is touching her, the hand on her cheek and the one at the base of her neck, is on fire.

God, Ava doesn’t know what she was so scared of.

Ava follows her when she tries to break away, gripping Beatrice’s shoulder as she pushes her back into the mattress. Straddling Beatrice’s hips, Ava finally pulls away to kiss along Beatrice’s jaw, finding that spot on her neck that made Beatrice whine last night.

"Ava…" Beatrice whimpers. Immediately Ava stops, pulling away, prepared to sleep on the floor if she’d crossed a line Beatrice wasn’t ready for her to.

"I’m sorry," Ava’s stopped by Beatrice’s hand tangling into her hair, her heart rupturing when Beatrice’s eyes meet hers, pupils blown.

"Don’t be. I was going to tell you not to leave a mark."

Oh.

Beatrice’s hand slides to the small of Ava’s back, pushing her shirt up in her search for Ava’s skin. Ava has to remind herself to breathe before she kisses Beatrice again.

Beatrice’s lips against her skin is addictive, scorching as they move across her jaw to her neck before pulling away abruptly.

"This isn’t going to work." Ava blinks, heart and lungs frozen in her chest, when Beatrice glances to the mattress beside them and grins at her, the hand on Ava’s shoulder moving to her hips and wrapping around them tightly when Beatrice flips them. "That’s better."

Ava drops her head against the pillows and takes a steadying breath, trying to ease the icy tension in her body.

"Is this alright?" Ava nods but Beatrice doesn’t move. "Ava, what’s wrong?"

"I thought…" What does she say? I thought you changed your mind? I thought you were going to leave? It’s irrational. Beatrice watches her gently, one hand stroking Ava’s cheek and the other tangling their fingers together.

"Thought what, darling?" Beatrice probes when it becomes apparent Ava has no intention of continuing.

Ava shakes her head and forces a smile. "Nothing, it doesn’t matter."

"It matters to me."

A series of quick smacks against the door save Ava from having to form an answer, Shannon’s voice calling through the door.

"I have a belated Christmas gift for you two, is it PG-13 in there? I got little eyes I don’t wanna traumatize."

"Ava, tell me." Ava bites her lip before kissing Beatrice softly.

"I thought you changed your mind," Ava whispers. She expects Beatrice to laugh or maybe to get upset, she doesn’t expect Beatrice to soften.

"I’ll never change my mind about you, Ava. Neither you nor Diana. I’m sorry I haven’t properly articulated that to you. I want you, " two louder knocks and Shannon repeats herself, " and I want Diana and I always will. I promise."

"You can’t promise that." JC had promised Ava the rest of his life.

"I can and I have and I will continue to until you believe me."

"You have three seconds to make yourself Disney approved before I’m returning your gremlin child," Shannon threatens through the door after a series of fort rattling knocks.

Beatrice kisses Ava softly once more before rolling off of her and opening the door. Shannon narrows her eyes and glances between them as Diana races past Beatrice and rockets onto the bed.

"You good?" She looks Beatrice over as she speaks and Beatrice assures they are. "Alright, well. Mary and I don’t have a kid yet and we’re trying to sleep, which Diana seems vehemently opposed to so, no more sleepover. You’re welcome."

Diana bounces on the bed next to Ava, spinning and twisting as she giggles.

Shannon offers Beatrice Diana’s duck blanket and stuffed monkey before she wishes them a good night and returns to her room.

Diana bounces and jumps into Beatrice’s arms when she approaches the bed, squealing.

"Bedtime, little one?" Beatrice proposes.

"No! No bed! Play!" Diana throws herself back to flop against the mattress. "We play, mama?"

I love you. Ava thinks as she watches Beatrice talk Diana out of a two a.m. snowball fight. It doesn’t matter that they’re both tired, Beatrice is readily prepared to keep Diana entertained regardless of the hour. I’m going to marry you.

Beatrice whispers something in Diana’s ear and they both look to Ava with the same mischievous smile.

"Whatever it is: my answer is no. No, nope, nada." Ava catches Diana when she throws herself into Ava’s chest while Beatrice climbs onto the bed beside them.

"Diana, now!" They both start to tickle Ava at the same time, grinning when Ava tries to fight them off as she squeals and tries to wiggle away. Diana giggles and flops away, leaving Beatrice with her fingers sprawled across Ava’s stomach.

I want to kiss you. Ava thinks and Beatrice laughs, fingers crawling up Ava’s sides and sprawling over her ribs.

"Then kiss me."

Shit, I said that out loud. Beatrice laughs again and nods at her.

"Did I do it again?" Ava scrunches her face.

"You did." Ava leans into her and groans, Beatrice watching her bemused. "Do you still want a kiss?"

"Yes, please." Ava lifts her head from Beatrice’s shoulder, heart racing when Beatrice leans into her and presses a gentle kiss against the corner of her mouth, pulling away with a mischievous grin.

"Me too!" Diana crawls under Beatrice’s arm and pushes between them, kissing both their cheeks before presenting her face for her kisses.

Beatrice kisses Diana’s cheek before squeezing her against her chest and tickling her. Diana shrieks and squirms, begging Beatrice to stop or Ava to save her. When Beatrice relents and releases her, Diana crosses her arms and pouts.

"No, Dada. Only tickles for Mama," Diana chastises, eyebrows drawn together and head shaking.

"I’m so sorry, patinho, will you ever forgive me?" Beatrice clutches her heart. Diana considers her question for a moment before grinning toothily and answering.

"I cream."

"Ice cream? It’s almost three in the morning, are you sure?" Ava shrugs when Beatrice glances at her. "You know what? Let’s do it. But just this once."

Diana leaps of the bed and thumps to the ground, bouncing to the door and wiggling excitedly while she waits Beatrice.

"Would you like to join us?" Beatrice helps Diana onto her back, Diana’s arms wrapped around her neck and head peeking over Beatrice’s shoulder.

I’d follow you anywhere.

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