Sex with trans* people: A short guide for their cis partners
Ultimately, sex with trans people follows the same basic guidelines as sex with anyone:
Be considerate of your partner(s).
People seem to treat trans people specifically as if there’s something inherently different about them. The porn industry treats them as things to be fetishized. Bigots treat them as liars, particularly trans women. Ordinary people display stunning amounts of transphobia without even thinking about it, especially when it comes to trans people’s sex lives. They deserve so. much. better. from their partners. Don’t “other” the people you sleep with.
That said, it’s worth keeping in mind that everyone has different wants and needs when it comes to sex. There is no such thing as a one-size-fits-all guide. However, as a general rule, there are things that are worth keeping in mind when your partner is trans.
Body issues of any kind can make sex tricky. If your partner deals with them, make an extra effort to be considerate. Ask before you touch. Use kind words. And, as in any sex situation, do not push their no.
Ask your partner how they’d like you to refer to their genitals. For example, some trans women don’t seem to have any problem with “penis”. An alternative I’ve heard used is “trans clit”, although “clit” would probably be better during sex. After all, the clitoris is analogous to the penis, and they’re more closely related than they are different.
Some trans people prefer not to engage genitals at all during sex. Get creative with your sex life.
Recognize that your body may trigger dysphoria in them. Don’t take it personally, and, as always, be considerate.
Remember that even though sometime, trans people have issues with sex that cis people might not have, sex with a trans person is not inherently more complicated (or, God forbid, more illicit or exotic) than sex with anyone else. Literally everyone brings some kind of baggage to bed with them. To be a good partner, be considerate. So many sources would tell you that there’s so much to being the ideal partner, but to be the ideal partner to the person you’re with, just be respectful. Ask questions, and actually listen to their answers. Ask permission, and be prepared to accept “no” for an answer. Don’t objectify your partner. They’re a person, not a puzzle or a plaything.
People deserve respect on the streets, in the sheets, and everywhere in-between. And trans people are people. Your trans partner is a person. So many people don’t want to treat them that way; they deserve better from us.
