softer sea

no one belongs here more than you.

[softersea]

27.

morning tumbles in like bricks to the back of my throat, and the sky soft-gurgles like a hospital’s hallways at 3am. my face is soft from last night’s silent, silk tears. tears that thread themselves, slowly, down the cheeks, as though they are weaving a blanket - something to keep my face warm, and oh my god was the room cold.

maybe if i can write this year. maybe if i can hydrate properly. or walk enough to get my sea legs back and relinquish these strange logs standing in their way. maybe if i can figure out who i am and what i want to do, or accept that nobody ever really knows. maybe then.

[softersea]

[softersea]

I crumble out of nowhere, for no reason at all spleen sticks itself to couch or floor or wraps around lungs until breathing is straw-tight limbs break contact with brain-stems unhinge at the hips, fold and fold sneak words through slivers of panic and door cracks everything that has ever haunted me bangs on the windows of what? what am I a home to? this - funeral procession in my gut this - wedding of my mind-body swearing themselves into eternity like a signed contract ever really kept anything together, no there will be a war in all of us until we return to dust.

[softersea]

I spend five extra minutes in shavasana.

the new yoga mat is mauve and I love that,

I feel like it matches my soul and even though

the old one was blue, just like everything else

is blue, blue, blue,

maybe it isn’t my color anymore.

I think about trading my car in this week.

I think about dying my hair.

maybe saving a life again, all this time

I have spent not breathing

as if breathing is something self-serving

anyway, it isn’t.

I’ve built nine cathedrals by way of

breathing alone & have not attended service

at a single one,  

but all of their doors are still open.

[softersea]

morning rises and I fraction the light with my bare hands. I think of your teeth and love them as a meditation even though I could hate them as much as you do, I choose love I choose love.

[softersea]

I think of you often. Especially in the evenings, when I am on the balcony and it’s too dark to write or to do anything but wait for the stars. A time I love. One feels half disembodied, sitting like a shadow at the door of one’s being while the dark tide rises. Then comes the moon, marvellously serene, and small stars, very merry for some reason of their own. It is so easy to forget, in a worldly life, to attend to these miracles.

Katherine Mansfield

[fromanotherroom]

Visit Original Link

I’ll Be Seeing You playing from another room Billie Holiday

[softersea]

The mind I love must have wild places, a tangled orchard where dark damsons drop in the heavy grass, an overgrown little wood, the chance of a snake or two, a pool that nobody's fathomed the depth of, and paths threaded with flowers planted by the mind.

Katherine Mansfield

[softersea]

we are all ointment for each other's wounds.

@soft-poem

[softersea]

natasha grace // embracing the feminine

[softersea]

happy place.

[softersea]

I broke this mirror within 24 hours of receiving it... but, this is the first time in over 8 years that I’ve owned a mirror and it is very interesting to look at oneself every day.

[softersea]

today, I learned how to be so gentle with a mango that it didn’t get stuck in my teeth. I want to be this way with everything.

[softersea]

Mallory told me about this parable yesterday & I can’t stop thinking about it.

[softersea]

mistakes i’ve made.

(from a July List Poem prompt by Amy Kay.)

nine mangoes in five minutes this morning.

forgiving before anyone can apologize.

going back to sleep while sunrise screams outside the window.

framing the leaves that caught your nosebleed.

every four a.m. taco bell run.

november of 2012. every november since.

leaving new york instead of becoming the sun.

silencing the love in me to accommodate those who are afraid of it.

twenty-seven journals filled with heartache & the shut up, sewn up, absence of fruit now.

every time i want to show up, but sit on the floor instead.

quieting my voice & stomach & needs so that yours can be heard.

taking the wounded seagull back to the beach. (this one still stops me in my tracks.)

[softersea]

things i am mad about:

how easily we confuse torment for love.

paying for everything. all the time. physically, mentally.

how long it has taken me to feel mad & how i still won’t allow myself to feel it fully.

this world of people so afraid of facing their trauma, they go around traumatizing others.

it’s not cute to be insensitive or emotionless.

the overall lack of consciousness.

my negativity & complaining & angry skin.

the moon.

the words i’m keeping from myself.

everyone’s response to the list of regrets included a line about abandoning oneself to love someone else & i want to be a better example.

any creature being mistreated in any country right now.

how typing this makes me want to stuff my face or take a sleeping pill and leave it with everything else i’m not saying.

[softersea]

my hand is in the honey jar again.

i know, i know, i know.

it looks like leaving.