Witch In Training

Finally Beginning to Follow My Own Path

[solitarywitchintraining]

I saw a post where someone said that life needs to break us so we can be remade into something worthy and it struck such a cord in me. I have been through so much abuse in my life and part of me wonders if it's because I would not be broken. I endured this abuse because I would not give up and it angered those who did not want me to be happy, to succeed, to be truly myself. I may be bruised and beaten but I promise you I have never been broken and I refuse to let anyone do that to me.

[solitarywitchintraining]

You really popped up again just to try to rub salt in a wound that's not there, tried to kick me when I'm down, and tried to take something away that I let go of. You wanted to hear about how sad I am without you, have me beg to be in your life, and have me tell you how lost I am but I'm not. I'm realizing how I twisted myself for you, how I hid parts of myself, and how I was willing to lose myself to be what you wanted.

I'm thankful that I met you when I did because I was in such a dark place and you helped me. As much as I loved you we just aren't a good match, I see things in color and to you there's only black and white. You so desperately want things to be simple to solve, a yes or no answer and any hiccup in the road is left behind. The unexamined life isn't a life worth living, and my anxiety has me mulling over every speck of my life, yet you are something that I no longer allow to cripple me.

So here's to you squid-boy, I do wish you all the happiness you can grab, just not from me.

[solitarywitchintraining]

My mother thought she was giving me the world by protecting me, by teaching me to be scared, by warning me that others just wanted to hurt me, that no one could ever love me like her. I was not a child, I was a safety blanket made of flesh to be used at her whim, sent into the world to gather necessities and then report back.

I wasn't allowed to have feelings, I wasn't allowed to have friends, I was told to stay close to my family because everyone hated us. I was abused and raped but told the man who did this was someone who loved me, I was told that he would protect me, and I was forced to wait on him hand and foot because he was my family and I should always help family.

I was held up for my sharp tongue, praised for my silence, and commended for my humor, all of which I'm learning were simply ways I used to cope with the pain. As I get older I desperately want to run away from it all, I want to sit in a quiet room with my dog and forget that my life before this moment existed.

[solitarywitchintraining]

You were so bad for me that you helped me find myself, you helped me realize that I'm worth more than you are willing to give. You weren't as smart as you thought, in one breath telling me how everyone was against me and in the next telling me how bitter you were that all our friends thought I was the nice one. You would tell me how you spent so much of your life lying, but for me you left that behind, but then seeing your lies and hearing how you would so easily lie to others about your life.

I was with you so long that I began to see through it, could see your tells, could feel when you were twisting a situation. You had a panic attack, told me your doctor's said it was a panic attack, then the next day told me it was a heart attack. You told someone with an anxiety disorder your panic attack symptoms and then got angry when I told you it was a panic attack. You wanted so badly to have something "worse" than what I experienced to hold over me. Then it just disappeared, it didn't suit you anymore and so it was left behind you because you got bored of it.

Desperately you want to be special, you want to be different, you want to be better than but your actions keep you from your pedestal. You have so much potential to be an amazing person but it's wasted because you strive to be better than instead of simply being you, someone who is so intelligent and talented. I hope you find your peace one day because even before we met I know there was a war going on inside you that you can't win.

[solitarywitchintraining]

When working on yourself they forget to mention the days where you are emotional for no reason, when you are taking down the wall you built up and then find yourself in touch with stuff you thought you buried. I live alone, I work full time, and then I come home to my dog and watch videos or play games and people may think that is a lonely existence but I'm happy. I think I'm happy with that life because I don't want anyone to come close to me, I don't want someone to be touched by the things I've went through like I was.

Then again that could all be bullshit and I'm just scared, which as I write this feels so much more likely. I used to read about witches of the woods and think that existence sounded wonderful, I used to read about Medusa and wonder if she was as bad as people thought, and I would dream of having all the money I could need to live alone without connecting to a single soul. Reading that now is kind of telling, but I know I have to put in the work now to get better. Not that a solitary life is bad, but that I have to face what I'm afraid of and see what I really need out of life.

[solitarywitchintraining]

I dunno how big of an audience I have BUT if anyone could help I would really appreciate it. My friend's son is going through a dark time and could really use some help. He unsuccessfully tried to commit suicide but was saved and has begun putting in the work for his mental health. Unfortunately while he's trying to put things back together in his life he can't work so if you have ever been in a similar situation and you can donate it would be really appreciated, if not I get it but if you would pass it on in the hope that someone else would donate it would go a long way.

Help for my son Cameron, organized by Denise Romero

My name is Denise and I am the mother of Cameron Streeper. I am asking for help today from ever… Denise Romero needs your support for Help

[solitarywitchintraining]

It's not about the anger that you have every right to, it's the fact that you needed to try to look like you are doing so much better. You needed to tell obvious lies in the hopes of rubbing salt into my wounds, needing to show me what you want me to see. You aren't as great of a liar as you think you are, you're easier to read than you think. I'll take the anger though and allow you to build yourself up with the words you think hurt me because I know I was wrong.

Things have ended and I took off my rose colored glasses and I see you for who you are, I may be in the wrong but you aren't someone who is good for me. While we were together I had so many people tell me how I'm the nice one, that I'm the understanding one, and I listened to what you let slip, that our friends liked me more than you. You aren't a bad person but when you care so much about appearances people see right through you, they see the anger and lies that you try to put up to hide.

Eventually it will come tumbling down and I'm beginning to realize that I don't want to be near you when it does happen. When your entire life is a performance eventually the curtain will fall and you'll find yourself lost between who you are and who you were pretending to be.

[solitarywitchintraining]

I feel guilty for not feeling more guilty, a sign that I was raised by a narcissist. I'm learning that I wasn't really loved for who I am, I was loved for the performing monkey that I was for them. I'm smart, funny, attentive, and I always apologize for mistakes that aren't mine. When I do make mistakes my world crumbles and I know that I'm deserving of anger and realize that I'm a bad person and it further proves how undeserving I am of love.

So here I sit realizing that even though I kept everyone at arms length there are people who pushed past it, who understood how damaged I am, and loved me instead. I have a younger sibling who amazes me with the amount of love and understanding they give, but then again they walked the battlefield with me. It's not my job to feel bad for the people who took no interest in getting to know me, it wasn't something that I did. I was awkward, weird, and in need of love and I got passed over and that's not my fault.

I survived so much and it wasn't my fault. Being raped as a kid was not my fault and it was not his way of showing affection, it was his way of showing power he felt he was robbed of. My mother wasn't trying to protect me, she was scared of life and used me and my sibling as a buffer for the outside world. My father wasn't cold, he was raised by an emotionally barren mother and did the best he could.

I need to remember to write each day because I need to learn who I am again.

[solitarywitchintraining]

Being alone with your own thoughts is scary to some because they are afraid of what they might hear, which is something I'm facing right now. I'm realizing more and more that he wasn't good for me, he wasn't a good friend, I didn't agree with his outlook or politics, he was just someone who drowned out the noise from my head.

I shouldn't let it get to me because that noise is what I need to deal with, I need to come to terms with what I'm hearing and forgive myself for what's being said. I can do it, it won't be easy, it's going to be rough, but I can do it.

[solitarywitchintraining]

Life is about changing and growing, I need to remind myself of that and remember that sometimes there are growing pains. I need to remember that I made mistakes but that doesn't mean I'm a bad person, it doesn't mean that I'm not worthy. I have been through some rough stuff and it's not my fault, what I did in life was try to survive with what I've been given. I was raped as a child, I was starved of love, I was raised by a hoarder, I was not shown how to care for myself, I was taught to push people away and not show love, and now I need to work on all of that.

It's time that I move forward and get back on the path that I should be on, it's time that I show kindness to myself the same way I show kindness to others.

[solitarywitchintraining]

I have grown up watching so many people in my family hate themselves, never speaking it but showing it in their actions. I never understood it because I looked up to them all so much I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that they were anything other then the people I love. As I get older I understand mistakes, missteps, and perceived slights; how they effect your views on yourself and the world around you. I realize now, through their lens, that I feel the same way about myself and I hid that from myself.

I questioned my confidence for a while, wondering why I didn't end up hating myself the way they did. I'm not happy with my body, I'm not happy with my life, I feel lonely, and I am not where I wanted to be in life. On top of that I push others away and keep them at arms length because I don't think I deserve love, I don't think I'm worthy and so I just shove it all away. Ironic that I feel lonely when I'm the one that has created an impenetrable bubble around myself, making it impossible to get close to me.

It makes sense though because my family was never warm, they never gave hugs or encouragement. My family was about expectations and tearing each other down, building yourself up by putting everyone beneath you. I don't want to tear people apart like that, I desperately reach out with kindness and adoration but don't know how to accept it in return.

I have been given a chance to truly grow and I need to take it, I need to make sure every single day I try to make myself better and hopefully love myself.

[solitarywitchintraining]

They forgot to mention the pain when they recommended ripping off the bandaide, they yes it's freeing but that wound underneath might not be healed completely yet. Yes, I can move forward and learn to be myself but I'm so tired of fighting and being strong. So badly I want to hide in bed, cuddle my dog, and block out the world because facing so much is exhausting.

Yes, I have survived so much and it has made me strong but what if I just want to be weak. What if I just want to ignore the world and forget that I even exist, what if I don't want to be kind and put on the mask or politeness, and what if I just want to lay down and cry until there isn't a drop of moisture left in my body.

Please, just let me exist without pretensesm

[solitarywitchintraining]

I do not cry because they offered me love or understanding, I cry because they left me alone with the echo of my thoughts and the pain I was distracted from.

[solitarywitchintraining]

Today I woke up from a dream that my mother had run away, that she had been on her way home from work but decided to just not come home. I tried calling her over and over again to be met with garbled speech and confusion and then I woke up. I woke up and it hit me, it hit me that she's been gone for 4 years, just like my father. It hit me that my brain is still trying to process that she had a stroke and then just gave up, that she pushed us all away, that she basically committed suicide by refusing to eat, by refusing care, and then withered away.

Right now I am in a transition point in my life, I say transition because it sounds more positive than saying I started a new job that seems overwhelming but really isn't because I'm just scared of change. I was fired from my previous job due to a higher up that I am very sure didn't like me and so found a way to get rid of me. That job was my family and so I feel scared and sad that it's gone, but ultimately as much as I want to stompy feet and scream at the sky I need to just move forward and remember that I can do it.

[solitarywitchintraining]

I'm frustrated and emotional, I know my life could be a lot worse but I am so tired of having to fight to simply get to where I was before. I know there are others who don't have that option, that get knocked down and can't get back up, but I am so tired of having to swim up stream. I just want to be in a state of oblivion, floating through life happy without a single thought in my head. I'm tired of the anxiety pulsing through my body, worrying about everything and anything, hoping that I'll be ok.

[solitarywitchintraining]

I don't dream of fame or power, I dream of freedom and quiet. I want nothing more than to be left alone, to live my quiet life without threats, prodding, and uninformed judgement. Let me curl so deep into my blankets that I have to use the crumbs of my depression nest to find my way out. Leave me to be free from my past, help me forget recovered memories of how he took from me and left me dirty, let no one have power over me again, let me be left to blow away piece by piece in the wind. I don't want to fight, scream, or beat my fists against the chests of those who speak my name as if they know my heart, I just want to have an existence of obscurity.

[solitarywitchintraining]

Why do I have to fight?

Why do I have to remind myself each day not to give up?

Why do I have to tell myself that "I've got this, we will be fine" each day I feel the anxiety curl up like a ball of fire in my stomach?

Why do I have to stand strong against a world that I try to treat with warmth and understanding?

Why does my simple existence seem to anger others who don't know me at all?

Why can't I just be?

Why can't I just be left alone?

Why can't I simply be left to exist and not poked at and threatened?

I just want to be, please just let me be...