You may know people or see people who have a lot of friends, who have a very good social life, and who are invited to all these cool parties, and who everyone wants to be friends with.
You may even think that about me.
But it is far from the truth. Having many people and an exciting social life does not define us. If defines what we do, but not who we are.
I get called an “Illicha Vai” (fool in Tamil) by my parents and sister all the time. And I have had that title for many years, maybe even since I was a child.
I had no friends in school until I was about 10. The only friend I had was my dads friend’s daughter who I met when I was 6 years old and she is still my best friend to this day. The moment I entered high school in Germany, I made a tonne of friends. No idea how that happened, but everyone wanted to be my friend. This in turn made me pressure my parents for new clothes and stay trendy and cool, so I will remain liked and popular. From the ages of 10 - 14, I was really enjoying school life. Everyone wanted to be my friend.
When I moved to the UK at the age of 14, it changed for me again. I sat in the back of every class, spoke no word of English, and was bullied again. You would think that wearing a school uniform like everyone else would disguise me, but no, I stood out like a sore thumb. The way I spoke, or the way I walked was an indication enough that I didn’t apparently fit in. But only one girl spoke to me, who also came from abroad, struggled to fit in and was also bullied. Today she is one successful lady who is one of the kindest people I know, may I add. She is also my best friend to this day.
When I entered College is when all my troubles really started. From boys, to missing classes, to a lot of other things Teenagers are exposed to, and you feel pressured to doing so. During these confusing times is when you seek out someone you can trust and can talk to. My childhood friend still lives in Germany, and my high school friend had moved to Scotland at the time, and we had no mobile phones back then, so you relied on speaking to the person you saw on a regular basis, and man I cannot even count the amount of people I trusted and who stabbed me in the back! Figuratively speaking.
I then enter adulthood, and you meet a lot more horrible people at work, or you end up in a relationship with them, or you find out your extended family cannot be trusted either. It gets from bad to worse.
I wouldn’t be surprised if the reasons of being so depressed and on medication most of my early adulthood was due to all these people and factors. I just couldn’t fathom the things that were happening around me at the time.
You will not believe how poisonous, the industry that I work in, really is. I think that is when it hit me how people can be and what power, desperation, and jealousy can do to people. Ever seen the movie, The Purge? A horror film based on a 12 hour time period where all illegal acts are de-criminalised. So basically you can kill anyone in whatever way you like, and you will not be prosecuted. Well, if that did really exist, I am pretty sure I will be on most of these people’s hit list. Not because I am a mean person, but just to eliminate any competition they may feel, or jealousy, or whatever it is that causes them to treat me the way they do sometimes.
I love my job, I really do, and I get to meet some amazing people, and some of these people become really good friends. Whether it is from my industry, or outside of it, I meet really nice people. The problem I have been facing recently is figuring out the reasons behind some of these new people who enter my life. I have had quite a few people through the social media world who I became very good friends with, who I have allowed into my home, and who I have trusted with a lot of personal stuff, to use me and abuse my trust. With some of these people I got over it very quickly, but with others, it took much longer to get over the hurt, or still am getting over the hurt.
But you know what I have started realising?
I need to stop blaming them, and blame myself. People are who they are. What their reasons are to act in the way they do is not our problem. Their issues and problems are not our problem. The demons they are fighting every day is not our battle. The bitterness they carry is not for us to deal with. But how we react to these people, how we behave around these people, and how we deal with these people does define us. It is in our own head. How we react to negativity is entirely up to us, not anyone else.
If I trusted the wrong person with a lot of my personal information who then went and told others, or helped someone in the industry who then used me to climb up the ladder, is not their fault but mine. We see the good in people, and we should be kind and helpful and generous, but there should be a limit no? It’s like eating cake. It tastes so nice to begin with, but the more you eat you end up feeling sick. Whose fault is that? Definitely not the cake’s. You should have known when to stop. And that is how life is people. Cannot believe it took me until my early thirties to figure it out.
When we are not in a good place, we tend to unleash our sorrows on others, and it is very easy to blame the other, or find excuses and justification on our behaviour. I do that a lot. I always pretend it is never my fault, but someone else’s. That I am always the victim, and that other people are bad. But this is not always true. I am still learning that I shouldn’t have such expectations. I put people on a pedestal and expect them to put me on one too. Why don’t we put ourselves on a pedestal? Why don’t we respect ourselves and not let anyone make us feel inferior? People need to stop hashtagging squadgoals or relationshipgoals. What does that even mean? You see a pretty picture with a group of people or a husband and wife who seem to have it all? Who seem to portray a life of perfection? You think that there are no problems or issues? Any relationship is all about problems and issues, because that is how we learn and bond. So don’t feel pressured to have anything that is put up on Instagram. It is ok to be “abnormal”. It is ok to not have everything that society demands, or social media demands. Don’t even ever feel that way from my posts. Those are just pictures. And pictures tell a million stories. My social media is for business purposes, more like a magazine that sells a brand, if that makes sense? But the real me is when you see me live, or via these blog posts, because that is real life. Not an image with my gucci bag, or posing next to Vijay Sethupathi. You don’t need trendy clothes, designer bags, or an awesome car to be cool. You don’t need to have a flashy and luxurious lifestyle to be cool. Because people who become friends with you based on these, or your fame and popularity, or whatever else they may benefit from, are not real friends. Which is something I am still learning the hard way.
The moral of this post is not that you cannot trust anyone, but be selective of who you trust. There is no rule here. Some people say you can only trust your family, but I am sure a lot of us can agree that this is not always true. Some people think that when you meet someone who has faced the same problems as you must be trustworthy, but that is not always the truth either.
I base my trust on not what they do for me, but how they are with me. How they treat me. I don’t need gifts or beautiful captions under an Instagram post, my few friends who knew me before I had x amounts of followers on social media are the real friends who I can fight with, cry with, and laugh with.
So stop for a moment, and think of the people who have been there for you from the beginning, who have supported you, who sense when you feel low, who can laugh with you for hours about silly things, who also share their most inner secrets and allow you to be a part of their pain, and who will stay loyal to you no matter what.
If this post has made you realise that there are a lot of fake friends in your life, just cut them out. People come and go, don’t ever feel sad. And don’t ever long for someone who has hurt you.
As long as you trust yourself and trust and stay true to yourself, it will all be fine.
Now go and hug those people who are good to you. Hehe
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