God Iâm feeling so low right now. I swear it just comes out of nowhere sometimes and I canât seem to shake it. Itâs like the weight of all my problems come on all at once and Iâm left completely overwhelmed, anxious, and crying my eyes out hoping for some kind of relief but never receiving any.
I want to believe that things will be this time. I want to believe that can be hopeful because thereâs finally something to look forward to. I want to be optimistic about what the future has in store but I canât. It hurts too much to think about those things when I think back to a year ago when I felt similarly and reality came crashing down and I was left feeling like a complete failure and fool all because I wanted to be hopeful and optimistic and trust that things would just work out for me. And then they didnât. Things got worse, much worse, and now anytime I feel myself feeling hopeful Itâs immediately followed by the reality of what being hopeful got me before.
Iâm feeling anxious again. The angsty kind anxious that makes me want to get up and go but then realizing I have nowhere to go. I hate how easily others around me are able to move through life while Iâm constantly trying to survive it. I hate this stuck feeling I feel all the time watching them quit their shit job to pursue their dream career or have the ability to up and leave a living situation their unsatisfied with while I remain trapped in this stupid fucking life of mine. I hate seeing everyone else move on with their lives while Iâm stuck in mine with no direction of where to go or what to do next.
The ache I feel in my heart everytime I have to witness it is so unbearable It makes me want to rip my heart from my chest. I just hurt so much inside and I donât know what to do about it anymore. Iâm tired and donât have a lot fight left in me at this point. Iâve given myself a timeline and I keep having this sinking feeling that I wonât make it and my time here will really be over because thereâs no way Iâm going to continue living a life like this, there no way, I canât, I wonât. I canât bear the pain and loneliness I feel inside all the time and I refuse to settle for a version of myself whoâs only âpurposeâ is to work a job they donât like all to make enough money to pay their bills and not starve. Thatâs not a life.
Iâd ask for help but whoâs going to help me? I have no one but myself and every single person Iâve met makes that very clear. Iâm not important to anyone, Iâm not a priority, Iâm not loved or missed by anyone. Iâm nothing, Iâm no one, and I hate it.
But hey, at least I can come here and talk to myself, like always.
