Why is it just as easy for me to love someone as it is for me to want to completely cut ties with them?
My last “relationship” and I put relationship in quotation marks is because while it lasted over 3 years, it was when I was incredibly young, and it was mainly fuelled by sexual discovery, fear of the unknown and fantasy. When that ended, I never really felt break up sadness, as I never really lost a person that I had a deep connection with. Don’t get me wrong, I pined for him, but for all the wrong reasons. That didn’t last long.
Soon and at an incredibly young age, my experiences with men, sex and connection took a turn for the worst. I lost my virginity on a couch, with my friend having sex in a nearby room. My sexual escapades were typically in odd locations and it wasn’t until 3 years after I lost my virginity and a few one night stands later that I finally had sex on a bed. To this day, I have yet to make love. I crave to know what it is like to make love, or to sleep with someone that isn’t a stranger. Is it really as different as everyone makes it out to be?
While I am typically not the type to ponder and usually when I am suffering from insomnia, my mind is almost always blank, but this time around I can’t help but wonder what is my red flag? I joke around with my friend that it’s my fear of commitment, but I’m not afraid to commit, or I don’t think I am. I don’t chop and change my hairstyle, the way I dress, my friendships - heck, it takes time for me to change my toothbrush. I love the idea of love, and having someone to rely on for a long period of time. Another thing I find myself saying is, “ I can’t be bothered getting to know them or telling them about me,” the more I think about it, that’s me being afraid to be vulnerable (I think?)
As cliche as it is, having someone know the real me might be what I’m really afraid of. Whatever or whoever that is. Currently, I feel uneasy. I want someone but I’m scared that I’m needy, so I’m being deceitful in showing how I want them. But I find myself convincing myself to pull away. Convincing myself that he’s not someone for me. Telling myself that I need or what I want is to be doted on. And because they don’t dote on me in the way that I want, that I should block all forms of contact from then. This is fleeting. I value communication so much, but why is it so hard for me to say what I want and need. Why am I so afraid?
Is it the sudden realisation that because I’m moving away from them that I feel like I’m taking myself out of the equation and removing the possibility of what if?
Is it the fear of losing a friend? Not to say they were the best friend that I have ever had. I definitely find myself limiting what I say and I do in front of them. I find myself being shy and coy. But it’s losing someone that I know I can turn to if I needed to.
Is it the unknown of how everyone around me will react? I have been relentless in denying how I feel and how we are. But thinking about this, I am disgusted that I think I know what their feelings are. One minute he is hot and tells me I’m beautiful and that he misses me and makes jokes about me not wanting to date him, when that has never been raised or discussed. The other minute he is completely aloof and takes advantage of me. Thinking about this makes me want to cut ties from him completely so he misses me. And while he notices my absence, it’s not the reaction I am hoping for.
I feel so uneasy. Uneasy is how I can singularly describe it, but it’s not the perfect adjective. My chest feels heavy, my stomach is both in knots and feels queasy, my mouth is turned down and I can feel myself on the brink of tears. But, for what? I want to sleep so I can dream something up that will lift my spirits, but what would?
My red flag is that I don’t know how to be loved. This leads me to be a romantic but I self destruct any notion on true connection.
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