Reflections of a Pothead

[somethingverysubliminal-blog]

Insight

Early this morning, this realization came to me. I make life choices, or decisions about my wants and needs to accommodate my marijuana use. For example, I would decide that I don’t really want to be a musician, because I’m not working at it and I don’t really have the motivation. I don’t really want this career, because I don’t feel like interacting with people, or getting up and going everyday. I don’t really need to go to 12 step meetings.

Decisions like this however, come only after a lot of heady deliberation and confusion, leading to a very unstable sense of self. I did not want to accept that it was my marijuana use creating the lack of energy and motivation to do things. It’s a blind spot. Rather than looking at the marijuana use as a problem, I tried to modify my life over and over again to make make things right. So, I will begin many jobs, many hobbies, even many ways to practice self-care, and then abandon them because they don’t give me what pot does - a sense of truth and decisiveness, when really it was making my decisions for me. This has been many years off my path, then back on, and then off again.  

[somethingverysubliminal-blog]

Two Weeks In, Feeling Alone

I had decided I was going to try to smoke in a controlled way, say, once a week, on account of how it improves my quality of life. In a way, it was giving up. I had relapsed and didn’t want to withdraw again, so I tried to space out my use in a way that let me still feel okay, while also still giving me some sense of control. It seemed to work for a while. It felt like I could manage my life because I still had my escape hatch. I had some good conversations with my family and friends while high that I felt I wouldn’t have had normally. I felt I was getting on, out in the world. But I was hiding my use from my boyfriend. He had recently quit drinking. We were both going through something very difficult, but he pushed through and I couldn’t. I felt weak and ashamed of my failure, and I didn’t want to trigger him so I smoked well before I saw him, or when he was out late. And there was also this growing sense of disconnection that I felt, from others, from the world, from life. A flat kind of melancholy that deadened moments and made things matter less. My use increased. 

I’m a funny kind of pot-head in that I have probably smoked less than most of the pot smokers that I know. When I smoke, it’s a few tokes, but it creates such a change in my consciousness that the impact is great. 

I feel like I have a lot to explain, and it’s taking a long time for me to talk about right now, which is what I really want to do. I haven’t smoked for two weeks, because of what I mentioned above, and because of a growing awareness of how it hijacks my brain and affects my spiritual path. A kind man at a recovery group (also primarily a pot smoker) once told me that some may consider pot a harmless folly, but if you feel that it affects your spiritual life, than you shouldn’t do it. And I do feel like it affects my spiritual life. But I keep losing that truth. I pray to hold on to it this time.

To explain why I feel alone seems too overwhelming for right now, but I know I isolate myself. I was on facebook today noticing how much attention people get for their birthdays. All the people in other people’s lives that are inspired to take a moment and send them a facebook happy birthday. It’s only a moment. But this past year, only my aunt sent me a birthday message. Not another soul. And that is a good measure of my social life. I message no one. No one messages me. I call no one. No one calls me. I see no one. No one sees me. I do acknowledge my role in this. I don’t take those moments to reach out either. 

There’s so much more to say, but I’m not going to obsess about getting it all out right now. I’ve done this, instead of going to the dispensary. As useless as it may seem, and even though no one may read it, I’ve done this. I’ve made a different choice for today. Maybe reaching out to no one will lead to reaching out to someone, some day soon. 

[somethingverysubliminal-blog]

Two Months In

Good Friday, two months after quitting today. I’m having a really hard time. Fuck! I don’t even know what to say. I keep writing things and then erasing them. My decision making ability is out of whack. I want to reach out, but this depression I’m feeling makes it hard. 

I went to a Buddhist recovery group this week. For a few days before I went to the group, I fantasized about honestly and eloquently sharing how I was feeling, winning me the caring and admiration of the group. Instead, I muddled through some annoyingly self-deprecating share and I had to cross my arms over my body while I spoke to protect myself from feeling so awkward, and selfish. I was sure no one would care after all. No one spoke to me as I made my way out, except for one woman, a former heroin addict that I had made a tentative connection with the last time I had gone to the group several months ago. She said it was nice to see me, but I could tell she was just being nice. I said “you too!”, and I was just being nice. I left feeling as completely alone as when I had arrived.

Today is good Friday, and I’m home alone. Yesterday was a stressful day for reasons I won’t go in to here, but I knew I would be home alone today, and I thought about spending the day smoking. I’m still thinking about it, but the hours are fading fast before my guy and stepson come home and I wouldn’t be able to hide it from them. 

I just want to feel happy again. That seems too simple. I want the moments and objects in my life, and what I choose to do with my time, to feel meaningful. Nothing can replace that feeling. When I smoke, feelings, events, people, and moments can all seem to make sense in a some sort of grander scheme. It’s like I can feel things properly. Right now, it’s like the feeling part of my psyche is hiding deep under the water where I can’t see it, but it keeps grabbing hold of my feet and dragging me down. 

Why do I keep this up? Maybe I just want to know who I actually am. I’m hoping I’m not just a couch potato. How could I choose to spend my time if I just watch, but don’t judge? Is it okay to just watch Netflix for a while? How much is okay? What do I want to practice in my life?

At least, I’m glad that I’m writing. It’s been a while.  

[observando]

[somethingverysubliminal-blog]

Untitled

So, why do I want to quit smoking marijuana, exactly? Because, I know I am dependent. Dependent, so that when I think of quitting, I have to buy at pack of cigarettes to get me through. Then I smoke weed again to deal with the cigarette cravings. 

The worst is the empty feeling when I’m not smoking, even thought it’s perfectly functional consciousness. I wouldn’t be writing now if I wasn’t high. Everything feels like more of an effort. When I’m not high, I lose insight into how it is harmful to me. I guess part of the reason I want to write about this is an exploration. A record, so I can see the truth plain.

Now, I have my vape up and running again, on 0 nicotine. A sure-fire way to distract. And I meditate too. That seems to be the only thing..

Ah, but the long hours drawn in to the music playing, swaying around my living room. Singing, open throated so that the neighbours would comment, oh I hear you sing all the time. It’s lovey. And yet, I never sing. Do I?

Why can I not go on like this? Ignoring my life, and yet, this is my life, right?

I read a forum post about a man who was reading a bed-time story to his young daughter. Suddenly, she throws her arms around his neck and says, I love you, daddy! And he starts to cry, because he’s high, and doesn’t feel that he’s present enough for her, and realises he may not even remember.

I want to remember.

I want to stop beating myself up.

I want to feel good when I wake up in the morning.

I want to write songs, and play them for people.

I want to remember. 

I want to do more than live out my karma. 

[somethingverysubliminal-blog]

Insight

Addicts can lack insight into their behaviour when they are drunk or high. I have discovered that , as a pot head, I am not different.

My boyfriend came home from work one day recently, while I was getting ready to go out. I was planning to watch a friend sing an opening set at an open jam night. Shortly after he came home, I went out to the balcony and had a couple of tokes on a joint. I wanted to give myself a bit of time before leaving for my high to settle in, so I wouldn’t leave the house in a complete daze. I immediately started to try to put together a funky outfit for my night out, but I was stumped, and rushing to catch my friend’s set. My boyfriend was a bit moody, and distracted doing other things that I don’t remember now, around the apartment. As I have many times before, I tried to enlist his impeccable fashion sense to help me figure out what to wear. He responded by stating simply that his mind was on too many other things at the moment. Fair enough.

But in that moment, I didn’t think it was fair at all. Conscious of being high, I thought he intentionally wanted to wanted to disengage from me in the state I was in. I was ashamed. Normally disregarded passing thoughts flooded my mind and became very important to my interpretation of his behaviour. 

“He doesn’t like me when I’m high..no! He’s not liking me much at all lately. He’s disregarding me, as a person, because he knows all my weaknesses. He know how I am so very lame! He probably actually is in love with the lead singer of the band that he plays drums with. I see it all so clearly now. We’re falling apart!”

I reacted. I don’t remember exactly what I said, but it was something along the lines of “Well, you don’t have to be like that about it”, or “you’re being so dismissive. You always shut me out when I’m stoned!”

To my surprise, he was angry. He proclaimed he was not going to made the bad guy, just because I’m overly sensitive when I’m stoned. He said I need to be aware of how I’m altered when I’m high. He was almost yelling at me with frustration. This has happened before.

I tried to defend myself, while the essence of past arguments came back to me. I stood there, feeling like a small child being chided by, and shrinking from an angry parent. Could he be right? Could he be acting normally, just with me interpreting it differently? Yes. I thought so. I thought he was right. 

Feeling terribly, I stopped trying to defend myself and listened to him. I apologised, and admitted he was right. 

With this new insight, I resigned myself to quit again. This couldn’t be right behaviour, or the eightfold path’s right action for me to continue. Not if it could cause a rift between my love and I. In the moment, this was a problem I couldn’t deny any longer. 

Feeling a little bit sobered and trying to keep things light with my boyfriend until I went out, I resigned myself to enjoy this one last night out stoned. This resignation helped me to let go of those guilty feelings that can so often bring me down.

[postitforward]

✨ Mental Health Starter Pack for Times of Change ✨

Change can be scary. It can be difficult, overwhelming, and affect our mental, physical, and emotional health in all sorts of ways. Whatever you’re feeling right now, you definitely don’t have to feel it alone. Below is a list of resources and self-care tips to help make life a little bit easier. And if you don’t need them right now, pass ‘em along to a friend who might.

Got more tips? Reblog and add your favorites to the bottom, or make your own post and tag it #postitforward so we all know where to look.

Resources

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Available 24/7 at 1-800-273-TALK (8255).

Crisis Text Line: Free, 24/7 support for anyone in crisis. Text START to 741741.

IMALIVE: Chat confidentially with a volunteer trained in crisis intervention.

7 Cups of Tea: Speak anonymously with a trained active listener.

NAMI: Dedicated to improving the lives of anyone living with mental illness. Free to chat at 1-800-950-6264.

Trans Lifeline: Dedicated to the well being of transgender people. USA: 1-877-565-8860. Canada: 1-877-330-6366.

The Trevor Project (@thetrevorproject): Confidential suicide hotline for LGBTQ young people. Available 24/7 at 1-866-488-7386.

The GLBT National Help Center: Provides LGBTQ people with free and confidential peer support at 1-888-843-4564. Youth Talkline: 1-800-246-7743.

It Gets Better Project (@itgetsbetterproject): Communicating to LGBTQ youth around the world that it gets better.

To Write Love On Her Arms (@twloha): Dedicated to helping people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.

American Psychological Association: A resource for finding mental health care in your area.

NEDA: Help and support for people struggling with eating disorders. You can call 1-800-931-2237 or chat with them online.

Self-Care Tips

Don’t be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

Remember to be kind to others and yourself.

Drink plenty of water and don’t forget to eat.

Get enough sleep.

Have a movie or TV marathon.

Read a good book. Start a new series.

Read the #positivity and #postitforward tags on Tumblr.

Draw something or color in a picture.

Take a bath or long shower.

Write your thoughts down in a journal.

Turn your feelings into art. Make crafts.

Bake or cook something you like.

Go for a walk. Have a dance.

Watch a funny video.

Light your favorite candle(s).

Listen to your favorite music.

Take deep breaths. Try meditation.

Talk to a friend, a loved one, or someone you trust.

Make a list of things that bring you happiness. (This really works!)

Do some of those things! See those people!

[somethingverysubliminal-blog]

These may not be Canadian resources, but it looks like some could still be useful. And the Self-Care Tips are good.

[somethingverysubliminal-blog]

Introduction

I have been thinking about writing about my experiences with marijuana for a while now. As the Canadian legalisation and regulation of marijuana looms close, and more and more dispensaries open in our neighbourhoods, we seem to be moving towards a very pot-friendly culture where regular pot use is normalised. Messages we receive from the media and from the people in our lives, imply all hail this wonder-drug with helpful, healthful properties and a built-in good time. I don’t dispute most of this, and I know first-hand that marijuana can be enjoyable and even beneficial. Medical marijuana in particular seems to be life-changing for some.

A recent article in Toronto’s NOW Magazine features a former soldier who’s use of marijuana returned him to a functional life after ptsd “turned him into a monster” who never left his house. However, the article also highlights how Veteran’s Affairs has reimbursed veterans for 10g of medical marijuana per day, as opposed to the National medical marijuana program average of 2.6g per day. This seems an excessive amount of weed to me.

Despite all the benefits and potential benefits of marijuana use, my personal experiences with using marijuana and observing its effect on others have taught me that it can be a double edged sword which has the potential to cause harm as well, especially considering the increasing doses of thc and availability in my city. For example, I have noticed that smoking weed can reduce my social anxiety a great deal and help me to get out and socialise, however smoking too much weed can make me incredibly socially anxious and isolated. Sometimes I don’t know where to draw the line. I believe it is now more important than ever for users to have open dialogue about experiences. Let’s learn from each other and make sure this cultural phenomenon doesn’t do us more harm than good.

I am not an expert on marijuana by any means, but it has been pervasive in my life in many ways and for many years. As I’ve said, I’ve been thinking about writing about this topic for a while, as over the years I have both struggled with and enjoyed consuming marijuana. But I never knew where to start. I once started writing a history of my use, perhaps just to give myself an understanding of why I have been so drawn to and confused about this drug. It wasn’t until a very clear experience while stoned a few nights ago that I felt an in-road to a beginning. Reflections on this night will be my next, or next few, entries.