I'm Here

Alison/Ting. 23.

[owlmylove]

no one tells you how much of life takes practice. not just writing, painting, running, singing, etc, but practicing how to make friends. how to make the right ones. getting practiced at how to be a good friend, a good sibling, a good person. practice identifying when people haven’t earned that. learning to recognize your right to rage and, eventually, how to offer mercy. so much of life is muscle memory, and i’ve begun to realize there are so many more parts of ourselves to flex and stretch and strengthen than those we’re taught in anatomy lessons

[blackqueerblog]

Rutger Bregman is the Dutch historian who became a global sensation after an appearance at this year’s Davos summit, where he accused attending billionaires of ignoring taxation. Now he has created another viral moment in an extremely uncomfortable interview with Fox News’s Tucker Carlson.

Bregman so riled Carson with his accusations of hypocrisy, critiques of Fox’s conservative agenda, and attacks on Donald Trump that the TV host called him a “moron” and angrily told him: “Go fuck yourself.”

Source

Lot more people around the world are going to watch this now than if it actually aired. Speaking truth to power is the best viral content!

[somewherefaroff]

Today has been a challenging day. It’s good to know that I’m looking forward to tomorrow.

Knowing that there’s a relatively high suicidal/depression rate in the vet profession scares me. I am functioning and trying, but it throws me off when I have days like this when I feel the need to escape and resort to thoughts of self-harm (and I hate it, because I DON’T want to at all), I feel lonely, anxious, unable to focus (with a final tomorrow)...I binge-eat as a way to feel better, but I always end up feeling worse. Ugly, unworthy in ways I can’t explain, and lonely with an obsession no one can really help me with.

BUT! I’m going to say that despite all these struggles, even with this painful lump in my throat as I try not to cry, it was just a really bad day. And I think about all the ones I’ve had before when I have one...and of course it’s going to feel heavy, but tomorrow can be better. I’m looking forward to finishing an exam and spending time with friends and my boyfriend. I’ll get to go home next week. I’m not overweight or in bad physical health, and I still have a really strong will. I was stronger than before in my last counseling session, and I emailed my counselor telling him that I wanted to work on my binge-eating when I get back.

And here, I’m talking myself up. I won’t this stuff keep me down.

[somewherefaroff]

I went to group yesterday, and I can hear how pitiful I sound with worrying so much about my looks, how people see me, how people can leave me...and ugh, I’m so grossed out by it. The evident lack of self-esteem.

I want to feel like I can turn it around immediately. Just not question my self-worth. But I don’t. I only get sad. I tell myself to wake up tomorrow as a different person, but a part of me knows it’s going to take much longer. Unmet expectations are just so frustrating to sort out.

I have to do something. At least I gotta try.

[bangtanbinches]

[bangtanbinches]

[bangtanbinches]

[somewherefaroff]

IT’S BEEN A WHILE!

I’ve been having a strange night. To put it into words, I was feeling that cycle of anxiousness-binge eating. Definitely ate more than I should. Thought about why I felt this way. I didn’t see Alan today, and writing a letter for our anniversary last week...I don’t know. A part of me was sad. We might not have had an anniversary. He broke up with me and got back with me in less than a few hours. I just don’t know which part to believe: the part of him that started to feel distant in the past few months or the one who told me he loved me and missed me the night he broke up with me. When I’m with him, I’m happy. When I can’t see him, I have these thoughts.

[somewherefaroff]

I want to note that it made me really happy and reassured when I came back from SoCal because he took in what I had told him before I left and did little things that I told him made me feel better. Even though we can’t see each other as often as I wish, I feel like I worry less about us when we’re not together. I think we’re just taking time to become cooler/better versions of ourselves when we’re apart so we can share all of that good stuff when we’re together.

[somewherefaroff]

Overeating

from stress hasn’t really stopped for me.

I’m sitting here studying for my finals, and here’s what I ate today: - bowls cereal (didn’t count) - chicken tika masala - a whole bag of corn chips and heavy salsa (some southern corn/black bean bbq kind of thing) - a whole lot of water - a pear - a bag of cheese puffs from TJs - a BBQ chicken salad from TJs I don’t know if that seems like a lot to people, but the fact that I’ve still continued to eat even after I know I’m full, even though I don’t remember when I last felt hungry. I also end up regurgitating bits of things because I’m so full.

I can’t help but feel disgusted with myself. It freaks me out that it seems like such a simple concept to eat when you’re hungry and stop when you’re full...and I can’t seem to follow that. I stress about school. I stress about how much I like my body. I stress how much my significant other likes my body (I think about this so much...it changes the way I am with him, and I don’t like it). I think of the pictures I’ll look back on in the future. I don’t like showering, because I have to look at/touch my body that feels full and distended. I see beauty in larger women. I see their figure, and then beyond. I think I’m afraid people will not see me beyond a figure they think I should have. That I think I should have.

I want to be more patient, but I also want to get stronger and understand more of what my body needs instead of what my mind is telling me I need.

These are things I think about when I find myself stress eating.

[somewherefaroff]

I’m back in Davis from visiting home in SoCal for my cousin’s wedding and my dad’s birthday. Alan came along, and I’m still learning new things. It’s just nice to have that time to go on adventures with him without thinking too much about studying (though I have a lot to do now).

I think I’m in an okay place right now. School will be over soon. I can focus a bit more on myself. I know I didn’t write about it, but Alan and I talked things through even though it was tough, and I’m glad we did. I think it helped a lot to know where we stand now, what brought us here in the first place, and what we both wanted. I think it helped us be kinder to each other, too.

It’s good to revisit home.

[somewherefaroff]

I keep crying. I’m sad and angry. It’s a day before an exam, I’m stressed, I have friends here who support me but who are also busy with school. School stresses me out because I’m not doing as well as I want (even though it actually is good enough). I’m frustrated that I can’t focus on studying because I can’t see past my tears as they keep coming up. The person I want support from most is the person I’m afraid will break up with me in this very difficult moment, which will make it worse. I’m antsy with my hands, and I used a pen to slash into my notepad instead of hurting myself. The good thing is I didn’t hurt myself, the bad thing is I had to throw away a perfectly fine notepad and I still feel so gross. I don’t have any friends to cry to right now, because everyone is studying for this exam. I am weighed down by how small I feel in school, how guarded I have to feel around Alan, how I can’t turn to my parents with this, and how I will still have to make it through even though it’s hard and debilitating. I’m screaming and crying because I’m alone and I have frustration that has been new to me, and I don’t know what my outlet is when it gets to this point.

Maybe I don’t study tonight. Just so I can feel less like this. I’ll know that if I get a bad grade, it was because I sacrificed a good one to help myself calm down tonight.

[somewherefaroff]

Thinking about how bitter I still am over that one night when I thought Alan was pretty prepared to break up with me. I understood him, but I was wishing he understood me more. There are a lot of specific things I pull from that memory that still sting. I remembering not knowing if I could turn such a difficult situation around. I was already so sad about facing depression/anxiety/stress-eating again (it was worse thinking about how I knew I didn't want to do this to him but I was just so lost), and it was like he set a time limit for me. Almost like, “Get better soon, I can’t be here for you much longer.” He was protecting himself (and that’s okay), but maybe I was hoping he was more patient and not calculating how good of a person I can be within x amount of years. It was understandable, but it wasn’t what I anticipated. Now that I’m better, I’m happier with myself...but it’s sad to think that a part of me told myself, “Get better, because if he makes you feel this way again, show him what he would miss out on.” Sadness became anger really quickly. It became an aggressive and forceful transition. Luckily, I’m where I want to be, and my motivation is fueled entirely by me being a better cheerleader to myself.

It’s aggravating to feel like I’m still in debt, like I’ve used up all the “I can be there for you just a little more” passes he had to offer. I get it. I can be a mess. But god, I was so hurt. I felt so abandoned. We’re still together, but what I felt then was just the same as when I was actually left. When I think about it, I get so emotional. I love him like crazy. He’s so good in so many ways, but I wonder if this part of me that’s pulling away will eventually disappear. I know we’re in a good place, I just want to not let what happened affect me so much.

Added: I woke up, read this, and tbh I'm not sure if this is all in my head. I can't know for sure if he doesn't tell me, and I don't want to ask and put myself in a tough situation again. At least for now.

[somewherefaroff]

I don’t even know what today is. Not super great, not bad, but like...what.

[somewherefaroff]

Today was honestly such a good day. I’m studying a bit, but also letting myself relax. The weather was BEAUTIFUL today, and I was following along during lab. I’m starting to take action with $$$-making things, and honestly, they all seem like interesting jobs/projects. I miss Alan, but at the same time...just comparing how I was two weeks ago...maybe it was good how I reacted to us being on the edge. I think we’ve become mindful of each other, and I’ve become mindful of myself so much more. I’ve been taking healthier steps. I’m taking care of myself a little bit more each day, and it has definitely improved my mood and energy.

I can see why Alan could see this as a hassle (oh gosh, dude, I don’t know if you’re still reading this blog after I sent the link to you...but it doesn’t matter!) Who wants to spend so much energy thinking about all this stuff? But I need to, even if I don’t want to. And as long as I can do it, I can be pretty decent.

Good things I’m going to remind myself to be proud of:

people see me as a kind person

I can tell jokes!

I have moments when I actually do think I can be beautiful and desirable xD

I have been learning how to adult a bit each day throughout my life just like everyone else (maybe at a different pace, but)

I worked hard and reached my dream of going to the one vet school I wanted to attend

I’ve been able to help people by sharing my empathy and experiences

I’m not lazy when it comes to taking care of my mental health, because I know this responsibility is mine

I started caring about my life more (to the point where I can see a future far ahead for me)

I got heartbroken so many times, but always got back up (and never regretted having feelings for really great people)

I’ve become a better sister to my brother over time

I can be giving

I get to keep so many friendships because we all make the efforts to reconnect when we can

I chose a profession that I knew I wasn’t naturally good at but worked hard to be better at because it’s important to me

I get involved and have spurts of being proactive

When I love someone, I love them fully and honestly

I learn to adapt to changes, even some of the really difficult ones

I’ve been known to be a very happy person (and I’m glad I get to show that side of me)

I’m thinking about how Alan told me I wasn’t who he thought I’d be. I’m not the happy-go-lucky girl who is always bright, cheerful, and optimistic. I can be! And I love that part of me! But there are things that get in the way. The more I think of it, I’ve come to understand what patience it takes for me to get that cheerful part of my out again. So I asked him to wait. To not call it quits too soon, because that part of me does come back. Of course I’m always working to figure out how to keep her around more often.

I just figure that’s how life works. Things suck. But we give it time and mindfulness, and it eventually becomes better. That’s how I’ve lived my life. Doesn’t love follow the same waves?

[somewherefaroff]

Quite honestly, the biggest drive for me to not drink is the fact that even though I don’t know if it will be good or bad, I end up pushing any kind of responsibility and worry onto my friends and Alan. When I think of how nice it would be to drink, I think of how disappointing it is for people when they have to see me like that.

It’s sparkling water for me here on out!

[somewherefaroff]

i will always believe in you ting. goodbye

Hi anon <3 thank you~ I’ve been doing pretty okay with eventually getting out of funky moods. Hope you’re doing well, too. I believe! No bye’s, just see-ya-later’s!