It’s my birthday in two days. And I’m trying really, really hard not to allow myself to be bitter. To be more understanding and nonchalant about it. Yknow, like how most people are, that they don’t care, that their birthday doesn’t really affect them.
I’m trying really hard to force myself to not care either. Because if I care, I’ll feel horribly bitter and sad about it, and I don’t have room to be alone on my birthday and cry like I may have done otherwise.
I have so much to look forward to. A new apartment - my very own first one. A new job. A new, glorious relationship.
And yet, it’s my birthday and I can’t help but feel so, so sad that, once again, it’s going to be shit. You know what actually really gets me, though? Every single time I’m proven right, that the lengths I go to for people, will never, ever be returned to me. I sacrifice so much for others (except for family for whom I should sacrifice the most for and for which I hate myself, but that’s a whole other thing), and I honestly can’t recall the last time I’ve felt like someone bent over backwards for me. I sacrifice, I go the extra mile, I think ahead.
The thing is, I shouldn’t expect. That’s where I always go wrong. But honestly...I really don’t expect. Except for on the days I should expect...like my birthday. I’m sorry alright, but year after year I feel so, so dissapointed in the people who are in my life, on my birthday.
I have a dress. A beautiful red dress I brought from Dubai 3 years back which I’ve been meaning to wear on my birthday. You see, it’s too pretty to wear any other time except for an occasion like that. So yeah, 3 years I’ve been waiting on a time where I get to dress up and celebrate my birthday. And it hasn’t happened. It’s never happened.
I guess it was 2 years ago that just put me down about my birthday so, so much. He never showed up, wasn’t even picking up, I was at a bar drinking alone for two hours. I paid for an extremely expensive dinner 3/4 of which was his meal’s cost. My friends abondoned me that night, too. It was a sad, sad day and I cried myself to sleep that night, right next to him. He wanted to do something, I know. But didn’t have cash to splurge. To which I asked, not even a poem? Nothing at all, really? I was so disheartened that day. Because of everyone.
And I’m going to be disheartened this year, too. I don’t blame anyone. I understand what it must be like to be in their shoes.
But it just plain old sucks, that’s all.
Couple that with how I’ve been feeling at work. I hate being unproductive. I hate being the person who’s wasting her entire morning doing nothing, then watching shows during the evening to pass the time. I miss being producitve, feeling passionate and driven. This job has taken so much out of me and yes, I’m leaving for a better place but as of this moment, these next 2 weeks I have here....it’s getting to me. So, so much. Tbh I just want a bottle on my birthday to wallow in my feelings and sadness, and that’s all right now.
I love being the trope of the strong, independent woman. But at times I wish I was taken care of, spoiled, not be the man in the relationship. I’ve never felt that way. I just wish I knew how it felt, just once.
I feel useless and pressured and just...spent. I feel like I have no energy in me anymore to do anything and when I feel moody and down, I hate how it impacts other people, so I don’t let it show. As a certain someone once said, I feel like I internalise a lot. All the time, everyday.
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