Somya

Hello !! Weclome to my cafe here I serve some hot angsty tea, your one and only soucre into an unhinged mind.

[singh25-shreya]

Drew The Fool today!

To anybody reading this-

The time is NOW! Take that leap of faith, even if you do not feel 100% ready or equipped for what is coming (who knows what it could be?!). Seriously, what are you waiting for? Do you think you need to have everything mapped out before you can begin? No way! Not with the Fool. He ventures out on his journey with just his essential belongings – and now he invites you to do the same. You don’t need to wait for someone to give you the green light or hold off until you have all the skills, tools and resources you think you might need. You are ready! If you’ve been watching for a sign, this is it! Now is a time when you need to trust where the Universe is taking you

[wordsnquotes]

“You are what you do, not what you say you’ll do.”

— Carl Jung

[singh25-shreya]

What a weekend it has been.

I was mostly overwhelmed due to the amount of pending things in my functional memory stack, but roamed around so much, had interesting conversations (which I didn’t know would be so helpful in gathering new insights),got a set of tarot cards and tried reading them. Spent a lot of time out there in the open in parks or reservoirs. And those were the absolute best moments, I absolutely love the picnic state of mind. The fresh crisp air , and the floating clouds, tends to take all the worries away.

Although For every three happy moment , there were two nagging thoughts that I should be studying and being productive.

Pondered about the idea of permanency that is crippling me. I know very well that nothing would be permanent and this thought should be liberating. That you do the best you can in any situation (that is what your job is), outcomes, happiness, sadness are not fixed. Things will run their course, but you have to decide how you live everyday.

It wouldn’t be that one day you are 30, and you would wake up and feel, man I am sorted, now I am ready to be in relationship, or for that huge job opportunity. Your parents also had you when they had you, and not postponed having you cause they weren’t ready or prepared. You have to keep on living. This idea just is a facade to hide the fact that you are scared! Scared of rejection essentially. That your love won’t be reciprocated, that you wouldn’t be able to sustain in a tougher work place(which in term make you feel not good enough). So what do you do? Live every moment doing things as best you can. Spending time with a friend, make sure you are present fully with them, either lending a ear or they lending you one. Be grateful to be having this experience. Working on solving a problem at work, make sure that you do the all the absolute possible things to solve that problem. Instead of being mad on the thing for not working in the first place, think of things you can do to understand the situation and fix it. Cooking a meal , then enjoy every step of the way from raw material to the final product. That is only what you can do. Life will keep on throwing new unfamiliar situations at you, and that is what keeps thing going and exciting.

[singh25-shreya]

Feeling super irritated at the habit of looking up solutions, rather than continuing to brainstorm my solution.

How does one draw the line between spending too much time on your own v/s jumping to look up the solution

I am going to timebox myself now. 1 hr to get my solution right, otherwise just look up solution and hope you get it correct next time

[somyasees-blog]

Woah, We're Halfway there

                                              *50/100*

                        Woah, we're halfway there

                           Woah, livin' on a prayer

                Take my hand, we'll make it I swear

                          Woah, livin' on a prayer

I am done with one of my exams, sort of. I had my exam on 9th June, wasn’t sure how it went, the competition is so fierce that even if I did fine in the paper I just have that feeling that obviously, it’s not gonna be me, out so many people why would I be the one who gets thought as I do not deserve it because I didn’t work hard enough for it. But in fact, I worked hard enough, more than I have before so why don’t I deserve it as much as anyone else?

And these thoughts are after when I have already once cleared a written paper, and the competition was equally if not more intense, but didn’t get through the interview which automatically means it was by chance or luck... that one time by mistake.

I remember since I became horribly bad at scoring marks in school, and as per usual when I used to study last minute and realize that it’s not possible for me to complete this gigantic syllabus in one day. I used to panic and then waste more time by talking/planning with God. I prayed intensely for the apocalypse to befall upon humankind; I mean we have been waiting for that for so long already why not before this stupid exam will save everyone the trouble?

And Ok, it's ok God if we don’t want to kill everyone then just scare these stupid people who want to conduct exams by some earthquake or a storm that will somehow destroy all the question papers, a fire maybe or a flood with no harm done to people but just stop this exam from happening?

Ok, ok okkkk!!! last option. Break my leg or hand or something so I don’t have to give this paper? No one’s hurt and I have a good enough reason to not give the paper?

But eventually, I will give the paper, God this is you stalling for me once I have time because of all these events I would be so prepared and definitely get a 100/100 score, no doubt about it.

I am not even kidding, this is exactly how I felt about giving exams just a few years ago.

Well, I guess someone might have been feeling this way and God listened. As the paper, I gave on 9th got cancelled. It has been rescheduled and I am not sure how to feel about it; I don’t know how my paper went so maybe It's finally my chance to prove to God that If you would have stalled for me, I would have definitely performed better.

I didn’t write even after the paper because I was so anxious about the result. I didn’t want to use my brain for anything as I would have thought “You ain’t gonna get through, you do not deserve it as you have made all the wrong choices as usual and If you would have given a little more efforts, you wouldn’t be in this situation” If I can’t have positive thoughts, I try to distract myself enough to not have negative thoughts at least.

Why are my idea of success and hard work so flawed? Is it because of the stupid TV shows and movies I watched? Maybe no one is to be blamed but me, but I don’t know how I am so far off from reality with such things. I believe in happily ever after, as in If I get this one thing, it will settle my life, no issues no more. I am aware that is not how things work, but still, this illogical hope exists? Why though? What is reinforcing this thought process? Never has this illogical hope, the magical fairy doing things for me sort of thinking ever worked out. Yet I always feel that some miracle will take place in my life and change everything for me.

Now, what can I do if these things surrounded me as a child? I saw son pari doing magic for this girl and solving all her problems. “Mera Secret hai magic pencil” No Thanks Sanju I even got that pencil, and I tried drawing stuff that never came to life, your secret was a lie. Then came Jadoo, I knew my jadoo will come someday and enhance my brain power give me dope muscles and make me pretty. Well, he stood me up.  I never got my letter from Hogwarts. No Chemical-X was ever dropped on me.

A spider did bit me once, and it gave me invisibility, I was very small so I am not sure how true or clear this memory is but apparently a spider bite me or took a shit on my face (I am saying shit cause the kids around me used to say that this thing on my face looks like shit so maybe the spider took a shit on my face and I forgot to wash it off). That area turned red for some time and then it got so ugly, big and brown I was basically nonexistent to my family and friends.

Teachers used to love me and during assemblies, if any event had to happen I was always leading it, but then this superpower came along and teachers totally forgot about me, didn’t even look at me.

Luckily I lost that superpower.

Anyway, I will treat this exam being rescheduled as a sign from the universe that this is your chance, now you have all the extra time you always wanted, so better use it.

I have been anxious but not depressed and that’s progress. I have started loving songs again, feeling and emotions apart from sadness are more prominent and visible. 50 days done 50 more to go.

[somyasees-blog]

Emotional Beings

*44/100*

I decided not to write till I am done with my exams, But I had to. This blog is helping me calm down a lot. I used to write before but never like this, this has a very different feeling and insights.

I am anxious, what a surprise?

I met my childhood colony friends today, and it was nice remembering all the stupid and fun stuff we all used to do together. It was not at all awkward, as I was hoping it to be.

My mom got mad at me today. The reasons she gets enraged over are still an enigma to me. I maybe understand her but don’t want to as it affects my ego severely.

I have put too much pressure on myself regarding being validated for my actions by my mother. It really affects me a lot when she is happy because of me, that is one of my source of happiness. But she is not always happy with me and that affects my very fragile sense of self. My self worth falls down crumbling over trivial things and I know that’s never her intention. Yet because I felt that way, and she caused it, I hold it against her, never really comprehending the lesson she is trying to teach but only carrying the emotions she evoked.

I tried not to cry over her harsh words when she was angry, and I did it by reminding myself that she wants the best for me. I got past that situation but not that emotion. When my tears decide they wanna come out they come out. After a while, I found some other reason to cry over.

Suppressed emotions always find a way and I always project them onto wrong things or people.

Even the anger I have towards myself is projected on other people.

Need to find: ways to not suppress emotions yet express them or let go in a healthy way?

[somyasees-blog]

My plants are dying

*43/100*

I don't know why my plants keep on dying. I am taking care of it, watering it. Definitely not over-watering it. Yet the leaves just keep on falling down. what is wrong with my room. I got a baby spider plant from my friend's place, I took care complete care of it and thought would keep it outside till it grows then once it's all full and lush will keep it in my room. After some time the plant started looking really dry so one day I decided to keep it outside so it can gain back its shine or nutrients or whatever it needs. That same day it rained like cats and dogs and in the morning the plant was all brown and dead and I was devastated.

But it's ok!! I got over the loss and then bought new really cute jade plants and enquired properly about the care and everything from the gardener, but it has been not more than two weeks and they are almost dead, they have a life span of 70 to 100 years.

I have kept them outside and hopefully, they will recover in the sun and grow big, green and strong.

I want to get a few more plants, but if I can't take care of these small babies that are difficult to kill then what's the point of getting more just so I can kill them.

I one day hope to keep a dog, most probably a pug. I like taking care of things/ people and would love to take care of a dog, but I also understand that these emotions are coming from a place of ignorance as I do not know what it takes to take care of someone. Anyway, I will check on youtube if I can find some solution for my plant. Also, Youtube is one of the greatest inventions ever, you can learn about anything. People are so nice to put up information as well. Everyone is sharing their knowledge in the best possible way they know.

I have been studying and going on walks/run. One day I ran and I almost died, the next day I ran and I again almost died and had no energy left to even attempt a third day of running so I have started brisk walking. Yeii progress.

I hope my plants get better soon.

[somyasees-blog]

Contradictions

*42/100*

42 days feel like nothing but looks like a big number.

Again back to deal with unsettling anxiety about the future. I have been feeling a lot better about myself though.

Since I have started noticing my mindset, I realized I do have a growth mindset, and unknowingly one of the things I had been working on is this. I have grown a lot and I am so proud of myself.

What makes me question everything though is when I act in a contradictory manner.

Everything is contradictory. I do believe that I have a growth mindset, as in I don't give up and try to find better solutions and ways to deal with my problems. But then I tie my self-worth to achievements and validation from others.

I feel like I am taking too much space and that my needs are less important than others need, elder people, richer people, good looking people deserve more than me. But then sometimes I feel I am the stupidest genius ever and even though I am stupid others are just way stupider than me and I am the one who deserves everything because of my genius. There is no middle ground, there never has been which shows a fixed mindset.

This is how people lose their mind.

Note to self: dear future somya, I hope when you are reading this in the distant future you haven't lost your mind completely. And best case scenario you are sane and helping others find their way towards sanity.

I understand things in extremes, either beautiful or ugly, rich or poor, good or bad. But things aren't that way they are neither good nor bad, and the idea that basically everything is average, (which could also mean balanced) is so unsettling. The good lies on one side of the spectrum and bad on another side, and we move from good to bad and bad to good but always find out a way to settle in the middle.

And expectations are never on the middle but always on the two extreme sides, hence they always cause distress.

Which could also mean that you shouldn't expect good things but average things as that's what balance is and as Thanos said that balance is how all things should be but then it also means killing half of humanity and that doesn't seem right. I was in support of Thanos, he made sense to me but then I saw a video in which this person argued that couldn't he have just snapped his finger to double the resources that would have also balanced things and people wouldn't have to die.

How do you know what's black and white when everything finds its way towards grey. How do I not lose my mind when the idea of happiness/fullfiment/ satisfaction for me is to stay in extremes and the grey area is an ordinary place, but its where I have always been. I have been ordinary, I am grey and I expect myself to be extraordinary. Why I see ordinary as such a bad thing, why it gives me the anxiety to be ordinary.

Note to self: don't ever do drugs.

[somyasees-blog]

A ravenous apetite

*41/100*

Food can be an instant source of happiness. Instantly comes and instantly goes. I sometimes get extreme hunger pangs.

After I am struck with this ravenous need for something fried, crispy and totally unhealthy two things happen:

1. I don't find anything to eat as these hunger pangs always strick at 2 a.m. and nothing crispy tasty unhealthy is available inside the fridge. I obsessed over it and then cry myself to sleep.

2. I do get food. I don't eat it for a while as I have to keep the food a secret and eat it in privacy so that I can not only enjoy the food but also the thrill of getting away with a crime.

Finally, when everyone is asleep its time to get the food out, the excitement is reaching its peak levels. Its time to heat up the food, I turn into a ninja and somehow manage it without waking anyone up. After wasting 10 minutes on Netflix searching for something to watch while my food gets cold, I play The Office.

I can now enjoy the food, Oh Sh@T!!! I forgot to get a cold drink then I obsess over that for sometimes and give up, the experience I was hoping for has already been hampered by this missing ingredient. After enjoying the food halfway I start feeling full, my experience was already not meeting my expectations due to the missing cold drink. Now I am mad at my stomach for not having more capacity. I force feed myself and after it's all over I am annoyed, guilty and too full. I wish I hadn't eaten that much, the food wasn't even that good.

So the gluttonous nature of my desires and expectations are simply creating new needs that will never be fulfilled as nothing will ever meet those expectations. That goes for everything else in life as well. I want to have perfect experiences, a movie needs popcorn and someone I can share the experience with, a little bit of change just ruins the whole idea of it.

Note to self: Happiness is never found in things, stop looking for it in all the wrong places and stop keeping unrealistic expectations from everyone but mainly from experiences(something still feels missing in my understanding).

[somyasees-blog]

Self Appreciation time 👏 👏

*38/100*

You only have your thoughts and dreams ahead of you. You are someone. You mean something.

- Batman

Today is about appreciating myself. I have been too critical. I will attempt to write down the things I like about myself without instantly countering how that positive thing is actually negative. I need to give myself more love.

You need love to give love

1. I never stop trying

2. I take responsibility for space I am in, keep in looking pretty, fresh and clean.

3. I try to help others.

4. I am empathetic.

5. I take extra efforts for the work or responsibility given to me

6. I can drive all kinds of cars

7. I can now reverse park like a pro.

8. I always assess how I can make my work unique

9. I can draw

10. I take care of others

11. I am nice to people who are mean to me

12. I don't wish bad upon anyone

13. I take care of myself

14. I make sure to give myself enough sleep

15. I let myself learn new things

16. I try to do what's right for me, even if it means saying no to others

17. I try not to hurt anyone though my actions

18. I am very sensitive and emotional (I used to think these were not good but now I like this about myself)

19. I try new things

20. I find ways to be more independent

21. I am good with savings

22. I have good self-control when it comes to food or money.

23. I love that I love taking care of plants and someday a dog

24. I notice the beauty around me

25. I am thankful for everything I have

26. I have good intentions

27. I am honest about my opinions

28. I have an amazing sense of humour (that has been ageing like a fine wine)

29. I know how to cheer myself most of the time

30. I can spend quality time alone

31. I make good coffee

32. I try not to generate waste, I think about the environment

33. I bounce back from disappointments

34. I love my Instagram page

35. I click really nice pictures

36. I am creative

37. I challenge myself

38. I am quite ok with being out of my comfort zone

39. I have great taste in TV shows

40. I take responsibility for my choices

41. I am learning to love my imperfections

42. I am a great, wonderful person and I love myself.

Damnnnn !!! I could have gone on even longer. This exercise made me feel genuinely good about myself. Will read this next time I am feeling shitty. Would recommend, 10/10.

Took me 40 minutes, starting was difficult, but by the end, it got really easy.

[somyasees-blog]

Look Up

*37/100*

The dancing queen by ABBA has been on loop today.

I was the dancing queen. Happy just because this amazing song exist.

I have mixed emotions about this youtuber/influencer David Dodrik, who made me obsessed with this song.  I love to watch his fun videos but then I always end up wanting that life, surrounded by crazy fun people doing crazy fun stuff.

I don’t always feel that. I understand that’s the vibe he is going for in his vlogs; he does it so well.

     “why my life can’t be this way” even after understanding the irrationality of this statement, I can’t shake off this feeling. I don’t know what exactly the impact of his vlogs is on me.

So the growth mindset........ that’s what the law of attraction is also sort of trying to convey.

“It’s not about what you want, it’s about who you are”, you don’t get things just by wishing upon it. A goal/desire/wish means nothing if there are no goal-oriented actions taking place.

OK! time to implement. As I look at the current condition, Oh boiii!! how I have been so blind.

First: My fixed mindset :

1. I can’t really put in that much effort

2. How come others are getting things so easily and I am stuck even when I work.

3. Why can’t it be me? without putting in the efforts (David Dobrik)

4. finding external/ uncontrollable excuses for my failures.

5. Being afraid of failure and not analyzing my mistakes so I can improve, covering those mistakes up with excuses.

6. Wanting perfection.

Second: My Growth mindset:

1. How can I be better myself as a person?

2. How can I fix a certain thing/ problem?

3. find a better solution to my problem.

4. I don’t give up on things as often as I used to before.

5. Finding better strategies to improve my studies, my surroundings, my attitude and my things.

I might have missed out a few things, but this is all I have been doing even before I started with the audiobook. I am on the right track.

I still can’t figure out why it is so difficult for me to just pick up and start especially with studies.

I usually over analysis and try to make a perfect strategy to maximize my results, but I am always unable to make that perfect plan and end up cramping at the last moment thinking I know better now have a great strategic start for my next exam.

This is what I do. But why? Where is this fear coming from? Why am I so afraid of Hard work when I genuinely enjoy studying? (maybe because studying and continuous efforts are two different things).

What I have read is that people don’t put in work as they are afraid of failure but if you don’t put in work then also there is a failure so both way you have a fear of failure so why choose the one that guarantees it? Makes no sense. And my behavior makes no sense either, I can’t figure out? Have I simply developed a habit, or is it some serious unconscious fear? or am I just lazy?

happy as I can see progress. I am proud of me for coming this far.

[letyourbeautyflow]

“There are days that must happen to you.”

— Walt Whitman  (via decamilla)

[areasonablydressedwoman]

[somyasees-blog]

Wandering

I might not be the only one who has experienced this. One day you learn a word for the very first time and then it’s all that you can see. Watch a TV show, now your Instagram has memes about it all over when you haven’t even ever searched for it. I could have missed those memes before as I wouldn’t have understood them then. But NO!! I can’t think of better examples but it happens all the time. You get familiar with something and randomly it shows up in places you are sure you haven’t seen before.

I have experienced this also with certain struggles in life. Somehow solutions appear, not using them is a whole different story. But they do always appear.

I have not been doing great with my 100 days situation; I have fallen down and I am trying to pick myself up.

My sister is very stubborn and illogical, most of the time and that is something that drives her to get the things she wants (this is speculation).

If people tell you-you won’t be able to do this, it’s dangerous and stupid, there is no positive outcome, but you are stubborn enough to believe in yourself despite all signs screaming for you to RUN. Yet you don’t care about others cribbing about and come out victorious.

That’s one way to look at things. I had been marinating on this thought. How I have always believed in what people have told me. You are stupid because you can’t spell thing correctly, I still cannot. You are stupid because you can’t understand what “I” am trying to explain to you. You are stupid because you spend hours in front of books yet barely pass your classes. Many people experience this behaviour from family and friends, but maybe they are not logical enough to see that those people are right and because of that they find success.

Maybe being logical is not always the best way to look at things.

Coming back to solutions appearing in life, I found this audiobook called Mindset, which is telling me exactly what I had been thinking but in a more reasonable manner. Your mindset can be of two types:

1. Growth Mindset

2. Fixed Mindset

With a fixed mindset, one goes around running behind success with the goals to prove themselves, define their worth according to other’s standards. One might find success with this mindset as well but it will never be enough, people will set newer and tougher standards to measure your worth.

With Growth Mindset, one is doing things because they want to learn, grow and be better. A test doesn’t define their worth they see it as an opportunity to learn and think about how they could do well next time.

There’s so much more to it, I am still on chapter 3.

My goal for the next few days is to check my mindset,  I lie more on the fixed mindset. I had never wanted to get good marks or study for the sake of learning during school. I had always wanted to prove myself to those people who told me I am stupid; I measured my worth in terms of my marks and my looks. Blamed external variables for my failure. And well I never got good grades ever in school (hoping for miracles everything, also a trait of a fixed mindset) so my worth was damn low.

More than a month of discovering happiness. I can see the progress, I am not giving up; I am finding better solutions to find happiness because that is my top priority.

[somyasees-blog]

SURPRISE

*31/100* 

I wasn’t expecting my exam date to be this close but it is, every exam I am giving is for the same course. Yet they all have a different process. 

I have been studying the same things for more than a year now. How come whenever I open the same book I seem to have forgotten everything yet again. I try clearing my concepts, making connections. But the things I learn for the first time are so deeply understood that when I go back to revise I feel I need to learn it again the same way I did before, but if they were so deeply understood then why the frick am I forgetting them.  

Things aren’t going to great in terms of anxiety. 100 days of happiness is now Anxious for 100 days and beyond. Assumed root cause: regret caused by the actions of my past self, blaming her for everything and then being hopeful yet again since class 4th that my future self now knows how to handle this more orderly and be a totally different disciplined person.

When will I stop relying on my future self to be responsible and my past self to not be reckless and stupid? How can someone know everything yet not change? 

Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me. Doesn't make much sense when talking to self, all it means is I am a fool.

Note to self: Stop giving yourself anxiety or else you will die of a heart attack one day. Surround yourself with other people so you can put blame on others for once ( obviously joking here) 

[somyasees-blog]

Shadows

*29/100*

I love taking pictures of my shadow. Although whenever I go back to see the picture, they always give me a puzzling vibe.  

Movies idea:(do not copy): The souls of dead people are trapped inside a dark world, they get to see the world through shadows; it is a very thin line, and it depends from people to people, how their aura is. Some people attract more souls because of their aura and hence feel an eerie presence around them.

My current place of work is in a government hospital. I sit alone in my office not experiencing the hospital environment. But once in a while, I go out into different departments and a different section of this place. There is always so much happening everywhere all the time. It’s non-stop activity.

From silent stairs to different chaos on each floor surrounded by patients, caretakers, care provider. Small kids running around in the corridors turning it into their playground. 

A few days back I saw a woman crying, she just got the news of her loved one passing away. Today I saw a dead body wrapped in sheets, people transferring it from a gurney into those death vans(I don’t know what they are called). I felt nothing since then I can’t stop wondering why I felt nothing? Maybe today’s dream will represent how I truly felt.

Can happiness come from experiencing pain? Is it possible that the cause of self-harming behaviour is clandestine happiness from the pain it causes mental or physical? 

[somyasees-blog]

Nilofer Aunty ka blueberry soda

**26/100*

How places are affecting you?

It’s amazing how when you enter a place for the first time and then slowly explore your way around it. First time I felt this was in class 9th, I had recently made a friend and not just any friend someone I had a different level of connection over Taylor swifts love story, this is is a whole different blog FYI we are still friends after 10 years. 

It was raining heavily. Usually, schools give a day off in case of a rainy day but despite the heavy rain school was open. No one showed up, just about 2-3 students in each class and obviously, I was present. The classes were dead silent and teachers were taking rounds after every hour. When no one was looking, I and my friend escaped the classroom to explore the school in heavy rain. My school had a church and under that church in the basement was the chapel. Students were not, but as no one was there to monitor us we went inside, we slowly kept on moving just a little ahead of the boundary lines for students, we heard someone playing the piano and then people singing in chorus, but the whole place was empty. We ran for our lives and survived to tell the tale. I am sure things were not that mysterious as they seemed at the moment, but that was the first time I felt intrigued by how a familiar location can evoke a variety of feelings and create different associations. 

In summers it was just a place to sneak off from classes. During winters it was almost always exam time, so it turned into a place of superstitions, meditate before the exam and keep a piece of a melted candle in your pocket for good luck. I always had so much faith in it and was so sure it would work, spoiler alert!!! It obviously never did. 

Today I had this same feeling in an Irani restaurant. The whole aesthetics was to give homage to Irani restaurants. There while sipping on Nilofer Aunty ka blueberry soda, I realized how little I know of the Irani culture yet had the good fortune to experience some of its essences through a place. Realizing how a place has changed you and how it has changed for you will always fascinate me, and I hope to never lose this fascination. Today a familiar place made me feel stuck in life, in a loop while an unfamiliar place took me right out of that feeling and into a new world of endless curiosity and possibilities. 

Nilofer Aunty ka blueberry soda was the highlight of my day.