THIS WEEK IS TIME FOR CHANGE!
I am a chronic over-thinker/day dreamer/inward thinker/self mind explorer/man on a mind mission/man-child who gets stuck in the sinking sands of my own thoughts and for years I’ve tried to kill that part of me.
There has been an epic battle happening within me. My state of mind giving my inner emotions an uppercut, my emotions strangling my voice box stopping me from explaining how I truly feel, my throat strains and mouth struggles to say anything. Just let out anything. And all the while, my outer self walks around as if nothing is wrong.
But i think its time for this fighting to stop, a peace treaty needs to be signed, hands need to be shaken and everyone to work in harmony. But before all that happens, I want to overthink my overthinking and see how this aspect of my life has affected my artist/performance work? Where would I be without it? Do I truly love or hate this part of myself?
The love for this part of me has helped me grow in to the type of artist I am now. (although I have a very long way to creating the type of art I dream of producing) but I’m making steps in the right direction which is so much better then standing still. Taking painful, happy, embarrassing, stupid moments of my memories and turning them in to something I can put out into the world and maybe for someone to read one day and help set them on a weird and wonderful path or aid them through any road blocks in their lives while still trying to figure this life out my damn self.
From my acting point of view, this over analytical part to my mind has pushed some of the characters I’ve played from word on a page to well established, real, three dimensional person with thoughts and emotions that other can relate to. Friends have come to me with their problems, their issues and to hear my weird words of wisdom because with this way of thinking, has come my own brand of wisdom which I would never want taken away from me. Because it is me.
But the flip side of all of those positives (and so many more) some of these amazing thoughts have led me to dark places and times. Thoughts of me not being smart enough, not good enough for people and not good enough for myself. I dont say what really on my mind and regards it beating myself up for not just doing what most human do and just open my bloody mouth and say what I think needs to be said. Or saying something that so might not be understood or not getting the response I wanted and instantly shutting my down to not make that mistake again.
If you’ve noticed the picture at the top of the post and you don’t know who it is, his name is Nega-Scott from the comic book and film Scott Pilgrim V.S The World. If you’ve seen the film, there is a scene near the end where the real Pilgrim has to battle Nega-Scott (an “evil” version of himself). There is a big build up to this fight. Cut to, them both walking out a warehouse unharmed, making plans to meet up and finding they have so much in common that they done need to fight.
I always think about this scene because I feel like that basically me (but without a physical representation of an evil version of myself). I cant continue battling my inner self which with end with both being equally as weak as each other. They need to work together, find that common place where we both have peace and I can be the best version of me. THAT TIME IS BLOOD NOW…
And the unanswered question…do I truly love or hate this part of me? I’ll let you know then I figure that out.
Hence the time for change…
Changing now…
Slowly but surely…
Aaron/Ronald 2.0
