Forgiveness // self para
Sophia suddenly snapped her eyes open, gasping a gulp of oxygen that sent her chest rising and falling heavily. A split second thought crossed the girl’s mind, believing she was actually back home in her room safely in her bed while Toby milled around with the daily chores downstairs. A moment of peace, but this was a waking nightmare. This bed wasn’t hers, the ceiling above was not the familiar one she saw every morning, and this wasn’t the childhood home she spent many years with her mother and brother. A stark reminder...this was hell.
A constant loop replayed of how she arrived here. After watching the figure of her older brother running down the street disappear, Soph remembered little of the car ride to the hospital. It felt like hours, days, and then she was carted in a large building only to be dumped in a sterile white single bed room. One expects with this environment to be on their absolute best behavior if movies were anything to base an opinion of. However, as per Sophia’s typical modus operandi, a Detling wouldn’t go down quietly. If they were separating her from society, from her family, she was becoming a hurricane not even the most skilled doctors could contain. An uproar. In the duration of 24 hours, orderlies continued pushing every type of drug in her system with hopes of subduing her, believing she would tire eventually and give in. No. An endless routine, drugs, assurances she was in the right place, utilizing her nails to scratch at any flesh she could grab, until finally, the doctors decided to take extremes: restraints. The second day, Sophia had awaken with straps wrapped around her hands and feet.
Two days, two days she went tied down to that mattress, only permitted to use the restroom in a fucking pan and meals practically spoon fed to her by someone else. Miserable, pathetic, a life wasted. Everything that made Sophia who she was had been stolen, her clothes, her dignity, her will to live, they even ripped the dog tags from Boone she religiously wore no matter what. Her hope disappeared. What hope was there of Tobias finding her if he held true to his promise? What resources could he possibly possess to bring her home? Sophia wondered for a millisecond whether her brother did have something to do with this by contacting a hospital. Understandable, perhaps, that he reached the end of his rope and sought help. Taking her in such a manner was maybe a mistake, not what he intended. That look on Toby’s expression...it banished the doubt altogether. Something was terribly amiss and her family wasn’t responsible.
“Hello, Sophia.” Soph turned her head in the direction of a professionally dressed woman she hadn’t noticed before seated on a chair a small distance away, likely instructed to position herself a certain distance for safety reasons. She wore a white coat, pointed stilettos, and a badge with a name Sophia couldn’t make out from where she lay. “I’m Doctor Andrews. How are we feeling today?”
“What kind of a stupid fucking question is that?” Sophia bit out, tugging on the restraints to indicate that she was, in fact, not feeling absolutely wonderful today. The remnants of a medication cocktail pumped through an IV permanently connected to her arm creating the most groggy disposition she never experienced since drinking became the number one hobby. No hangover compared, no bender, ever prepared the young woman for this.
Doctor Andrews hummed lightly with a nod, “Fair enough. I’m more curious about what you’re feeling mentally as well as on an emotional level. What this is for you, Soph, is a massive shock to the system.” She rifled through a stack of papers, consulting the Detling file collected from the doctors at the hospital. List of medicines, the tactics to calm the girl, now she just required a clear psychological view. The damage set before her feet in more than black and white letters.
“Don’t call me Soph. Only people to call me Soph are the ones I consider friends. And last I checked, that’s not you.” The young woman growled, “I know you doctors think you know everything, but let me spell it out for you. I’ve been plucked from my home, ripped out of the arms of my brother, and taken to some god forsaken looney bin that I never once gave clear consent to stay in. You assholes have added to what you state is a massive shock to my system by injecting me with shit I can’t even pronounce, all so you can keep me chained,” She yanked on her binds multiple times over and over as if one move would cause the straps to snap in two, her voice growing angry, “I’m pissed, I’m exhausted, poked and prodded like a fucking deranged experiment, and I miss my brother.” She burst in a mini fit of laughter that was filled with melancholy, “Oh, and don’t get me started on Toby. When he finds out where I am, he’ll fucking sue every doctor who laid a hand to me and burn this place to the ground “
Doctor Andrews allowed the woman release the majority of her rant, jotting down notes patiently with an emotionless expression painting her calm features. She wrote a few descriptive words, volatile, anger issues, quick to lose temper, possible dependence on brother, all she anticipated from Sophia. When it appeared the spiel reached an end, she clicked her pen a couple times in thought. “First, Ms. Detling, the medication they have been giving you has some relative side effects that does include sleepiness. You were willing enough to use your nails as a weapon, resulting in an orderly to sustain multiple scratches along his arms. Those restraints, while cumbersome, are the only thing keeping you safe.” She leaned forward, peering in Sophia’s eyes, “You’ve fought and fought against our help when all we want is to stop something terrible from happening to you. I know in your mind, something terrible is already happening, but you’re here because somebody grew concerned you posed a danger.”
Sophia could do no more than scoff at the excuses, nothing she hasn’t heard before or held a desire to keep hearing. “Really? And who told you I was dangerous? Was it that fucking orderly who had to cry like a little baby bitch over a few fucking scratches, or how about the other orderly who was holding my brother back while they carted me off?”
The doctor glanced to her notes, sighing, “You want to talk about why you’re here, but you aren’t willing to really dig deep why someone seemed compelled to contact a hospital. Alright.” She nodded once and leaned back in her chair again, “From the information presented to me by the individual, you’ve developed a co-dependency on your elder brother after your father left. You came from a broken home, perhaps blocking out the abuse your mother endured. A textbook case of what we call checking out. This pattern of checking out created a domino effect of drinking, especially after the only parent you had left started getting sick. It’s natural to behave when you feel you’ve lost control, I know.” Her lips pressed together firmly, “It produced destruction, unstable footing, the implosion of every relationship you had. Your brother’s arrival shattered the dam, Sophia, resentment doesn’t vanish just because he expresses reuniting a front with your mother now gone.”
Sophia instantly ripped her gaze from the woman, finding anything else to focus on than the recount of her entire life laid bare, stripped of sugar-coating and empathy. All she stated were facts, everything she hasn’t thought of herself before. Suddenly, the events of the previous days caught up with her. She relinquished her will, forfeiting ever fighting to find a way out of this place, she wasn’t leaving. A hospital was a deserving fate for someone so broken. Discarded. A useless waste of a human dumpster fire. “You don’t know anything.” Soph clenched her teeth, whispering meekly.
“Is it or is it not true that you wanted to die?” The question rang a resounding chord, hanging in the balance. “I need honesty if we’re building a foundation of trust. I’m on your side, Sophia, and I know you’ll have a difficult time accepting that, I’d understand. Is it true that you still want to die?”
Is it true that you still want to die? A striking blow piercing through the resilience built from the long hours enduring torment. Sophia’s conversation with Toby at the bar drilled itself inside her skull, playing and replaying her confessional desire to join their mother six feet under. The invading thoughts wriggled free from the box she locked them in and tied the noose around Soph’s neck, choking the life from her lungs. Wasn’t it the easy route? A world free of pain where she saw her Mom again, could be with her, nothing but blue skies and the warmth of the sun on her skin. A pure paradise. Happiness didn’t exist for Soph, Toby would tell her otherwise, Boone would, but as she expressed to her brother, they were better off anyway. Toby wouldn’t have to suffer anymore and then maybe, he could discover something good in his life he can’t have while searching the impossible solution to help his sibling that would never arrive. “I don’t know.” The girl’s eyes welled with tears. ‘Maybe.” She paused before slowly turning her head to face her fate. A life of doctors and examinations, restraints and sedation. “Yes.” Sophia released a shuddered breath, “Alcohol...alcohol was my way out. I thought this could be the night or maybe this night. I fall asleep with a bottle in hand and never wake up. It was a simple fantasy.”
Doctor Andrews watched the process of emotional turmoil catapult Sophia on a personal journey of discovery, feeling the sympathetic twinge tangle her gut in knots. “And in these times, no one stopped and asked if you were actually okay. They wrote you off.” This went against her code as a doctor to make these assumptions with someone so fragile, but it was part of the deal she begrudgingly agreed to. Turn the mirror around and show Sophia that her situation was on no one else but her. “Your brother, try as he might, was waiting until you decided on your own to seek help. He let it come this far and only contributed to your agony. Sophia,” The doctor closed the file folder with finality and rose from her seat, “Toby can’t help you, but we can. This is what you’ve been seeking all along.” She stepped to the girl’s bedside, “We’re here for you.”
Sophia grappled with the therapist’s statements, the rationality sent into haywire. Not a single person regarded her condition as anything more than the party girl drowning her self-esteem at the bottom of a bottle. Sure, Link took her home after the binge drinking all-nighters and Boone understood her demons and Toby...he kept waiting for a miracle. What if this was the way to fix her? Heal her? If she couldn’t fix herself, if this hospital couldn’t, then she was lost. She is lost. And the only way to survive what became the inevitable trials meant killing something inside of her. Abandoning hope. They would restrict her limbs and poison her veins, treated as a lab rat, until the signals in her brain weren’t misfiring. Soph pressed her head to the pillow and rested her eyes on the ceiling, the tears previously streaking her cheeks drying. A tunnel, an endless tunnel ripe with despair and darkness.
The fight died with the final nail in the coffin. She hoped to see Toby again, it was only a matter of time. And when she did see him...Sophia prayed for forgiveness.